Following a spectacularly unsuccessful assault on the Berkshire Open at the weekend it was back to league duty on Monday, and second match of the season was our first match at our new home – The Bear.

Not only has the new venue played havoc with our team name, but it’s also not too helpful when writing reports when one of your own players is nicknamed “The Bear”. I haven’t seen this much sporting confusion since German Bundesliga team Wolfsburg appointed Wolfgang Wolf as their manager.











Wolfgang Wolf – manager of Wolfsburg - ecstatic after he learns that Andy Brant and Ray Wootton are still an item.

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SPECIAL MATCH REPORT – THE BERKSHIRE OPEN

Sunday morning, and the great and good of Thames Valley Pool had descended on Reading for a go at the Berkshire Open. I began my campaign by sinking the greatest pressure ball black in the history of pool to squeak through 4-3 in the opening round. My wonder-pot of the decade gave me much kudos, but also cleverly served to disguise the fact that I had been absolute tripe all the way through the match and had somehow ballsed up two shots on the black to win it and stuck the black to a cushion. Word had got round that the “Wonder” was about to crash out to an utter unknown who didn’t know the rules, and by the time the crowds arrived I was 3 minutes into a 5 minute stare down between me and the black while I tried to figure out how I got into the mess I was in. Anyway, the black eventually went down and I advanced.

Away from the featured table “The Bear” wasn’t playing well (according to himself!), so we headed into the snooker room for some much needed practise. He rattled in a 43 break and in an instant became “The most hated man in pool and snooker too”. He followed up givng me a snooker smack-down by dry-humping Kevin Bassett 4-0 in the first round – I’d hate to see him when he wasn’t struggling!

‘Magic’ was really unfortunate to lose to Jack Davies. 2-0 down, he turned it round to lead 3-2 and Davies was all over the place with a number of slap-shots missing by miles. But just as it looked to be all over Neil left him a long yellow which would finish or save him and JD pulled out a tremendous pot in no way keeping with his previous 20 minutes. The final frame went to Jack who gathered himself well having been given a lifeline.

JY's plan to play and win the plate competition looked on course as he crashed out to Gary Sefton, and Andy got Billy Warmupmatch to then go through and play Neil’s conqueror Jack Davies.

Terry lost out to Mick Worsfield in a cliff hanger that went right to the wire. Ben Clarke, the world junior champ, had travelled an hour and a half to participate only to get there and draw Rob Uzzell. The Ruzzler opened up the industrial sized bucket of Fudge and the kid couldn’t resist it. Every time I looked round he was facing more containers than an Eddie Stobart garage, the Ruzzler running out an easy winner in the end.

The clash of the second round was “Wonder” v “The Struggling Bear”. The Bear going 2-0 up in no time wasn’t unexpected but the match turned on a missed yellow in the fifth frame. It allowed the Wonder to go 3-2 up and with Dish of the Day cooling gentle on the window sill, the Wonder cleared the next frame to win it 4-2. After this great victory against the former UK #57, all that was left was for the inevitable to happen i.e. The Wonder then plays an inferior opponent and crashes out in sorry fashion. Enter Gary Sefton, exit the Wonder.

While Andy was struggling against Davies and accusing him of being a “lucky c…”, JY had discovered Coors lite and was at it like water. By the time he lost in the plate quarter finals and Magic had gone out to the eventual plate winner Kevin Bassett the rest of us had long gone.

The semis were made up of Ruzzler, Steve “she wanted more” Carmichael and the Sabharwal brothers who, although sounding like a Southall cash and carry, were no doubt eyeing up the prize money and a deal.

Then the absolute worst thing of all happened – England team manager Robert Uzzell won it!! He beat brothers Vikas and Vid in the semi and final respectively. For years we’ve been ridiculing him for doing singles draws in his front room and then bringing it to a tournament. Check the draw sheet and you see he has Mr Bye in the first round, Mrs Bye in the second, the neighbour’s dog in the third and a quarter final against the winner of Local Muppet and Johnny Dreamdraw. Now he has gone and won the flippin’ thing!

Congratulations from Rackspack!







Wolfgang cant believe the news coming through – Uzzell won the open.

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ALL ABOARDDDDDD !!!!

MATCH REPORT – HOME VERSUS NMCC

Back to the matter at hand, and arriving at The Bear on Monday it was nice to see so many ex-Racks players out the front enjoying a drink in the sunshine. The other side playing from the Bear this season also happens to be one of our former Racks teams, so we had a bit of a catch up.

However the most welcome face we spotted was by far that of everyone’s favourite bar wench Amy who was now working at The Bear. Distraught at the loss of Racks and unable to face a summer without “the pack” she had taken up a job in The Bear just to be with us all once a week. She’s a legend, and if we had honorary membership badges we would have given her one there and then.

Coach Southam confirmed that he had the same bunch of reprobates to choose from as last week, but to heighten the excitement of Monday night pool there was the all new Rackspack Showboat Jackpot ®

Yes it was time to roll out the competition that no one can ignore! A pound per frame you play and the money rolling up until someone dishes off their first visit and follows it up with the steamboat honk.

The first team up for punching us out because we look like we are taking the p**s was NMCC A, not to be confused with NMCC B or last weeks opponents WWSC A. They were a totally different proposition and acronym altogether, led by Jim “Pretty Boy” Floyd and Dave “I’ll call myself DD if it gets me in the blog” Dawson.

After his successful debut at number one last week, up stepped the Wonder to lead us off. Pound coin paid into the Show Boat kitty The Wonder opened with a lovely break. But taking his eye of the pot he missed his red which would have left the finish. “Pretty Boy” couldn’t take advantage of this chink in his formidable armour, and the Wonder put us 1-0 up.

John Shiel was up against Maurice Dingley MD, a kinda of Doogie Howser but in reverse. “Hokey-Cokey” was clearly up for the showboat challenge and despite the ridicule of all who had ever seen him play, confidently reminded us that his record over the years spoke for itself, and warned us to “just watch how many clearances I make this season”.

Well. After we had all stopped laughing we realised that in order to keep track of the sheer number of clearances John would make this season we would need help. We put out a couple of calls to NASA and head hunted two of their top scientists. Not only that but we managed to build a super computer just big enough to calculate the massive number of clearances John was going to put in this summer. Not even E.R.N.I.E the premium bonds draw computer could take on the job. Every week we will try and publish the running total of all these dishes.



Wolfgang finally stops crying with laughter when Hokey-Cokey lays the beat-down about all his clearances over the years

12 visits later and we led 2-0!

Up stepped Brad and the stage was set for yet another in the long sequence of events that makes him the “most hated man in pool”. He broke, knocked in red after red and ended up on the black to centre. Before you could say “what a c**k” the black hit the knuckle and stopped right on the lip of the pocket. Unbelievable, it looked in all the way. Shame. 3-0 up and the Show Boat kitty was at £3.

Talking of the show boat, JY clearly had read the rules wrong and thought the prize was for who could take the most visits. At some point shortly after his forty-second visit he managed to clip in a great long black – only for the white to bounce round the table and knock in one of his opponents yellows. 3-1

Couch Southam was untroubled in making it 4-1 and Magic took the next for a 5-1 lead at the break.

With the match all but in our hands, it was all aboard the showboat and the jackpot money was up for grabs. JY avoided the double polo mint beating Craig Brand and the Wonder missed his last red but took the frame against Ray Dawson.

The Bear at the Bear had a slight chance in the next but despite winning the frame couldn’t take the cash and it was then the turn for the man of a thousand dishes to show us how it should be done. Two wins for John Hokey-Cokey Shiel on the night, but more pressing was what was the news from NASA on John’s extra-ordinary career? After he beat MD we rang NASA who had put their top nerd on the case and he computed the numbers.

OFFICIAL NASA REPORT

SUBJECT: John Hokey-Cokey Shiel
CAREER FLAIR RATING: 0.00
TOTAL FINISHES:




















Stay tuned each week because I’m sure those numbers will be spinning like fruit machine wheels before you know it.

So the last two to step were Magic and Coach Southam. Magic had the second best chance of the night. Looking down the barrel of a straight yellow down the cushion with black at his mercy he opted for a slow roll. However the table took over and the white dam-bustered its way down the cushion, bouncing on and off it about 5 times before clubbing the yellow into the jaws. There was no silver lining either as Pretty Boy finished off in style to make it 9-2.

Coach had no hope of the money in the last but settled for yet another W and the final score was 10-2. More relevant that the score was the fact that the Showboat Jackpot is a rollover! Next match it starts at £12 and with those absent players (Lee/Craig) having to pay up as well this could hit £20 in no time !!

The league is for lady-boys – real men play the showboat !

HONK !!!

ANNOUNCING - THE SHOW BOAT CHALLENGE

ATTENTION ALL RACKSPACK PLAYERS!

To celebrate the skill and flair of all those who serve upon the good ship Rackspack, we are pleased to announce the Rackspack Show Boat Challenge.

Each time you turn out for the Rackspack you pay £1 into the Show Boat Challenge pot. The pot is awarded to any player who EITHER clears up from their break OR clears up after his opponent breaks.

Failure to do either of these things and your chance to win the Show Boat Challenge Pot will roll-over to the next player.

In addition, to claim the money the player must demonstrate the SHOW BOAT HONK. Failure to do so will before sitting down/shaking hands, etc will result in prize forfeiture and a roll-over.

Entry is payable each frame you play.

For those players who miss a week or more, they can re-enter the competition by paying £2 per completed match they missed where the pot has remained unclaimed.

Any infraction of the rules will adjudicated on by Messrs Walls & Southam, whose decision will be final. A full copy of these rules can be obtained by emailing rackspack@hotmail.co.uk.

Happy Show Boating!

Match Report - Away Versus White Waltham Social Club

EPISODE IV – A NEW HOPE

£85 Million!!! Eighty-five! Is anyone seriously worth that amount of money? After all its just a sport for goodness sake. Sure you can make most of it back in merchandising, personal appearances, shirts, scarves and TV deals. And of course your attendances are going to go up as you pack in the crowds every single week. So the talk of the town this summer, and the question on every sports fans lips was – who would take on the mantle of hosting Rackspack now that Racks had gone under!

The whole thing had come as a bit of a shock after Vinny had sent a text two weeks ago to say that the liquidators were in and Racks had gone under. Not only had I already paid the summer league entry fee, printed the t-shirts and commissioned the commemorative mugs, but we had shareholders and season ticket-holders to keep happy!

The off season had seen us busy in the transfer market trying to secure not one but two teams for the venue. We had been inundated with literally one request to join our team since our most recent failure to take the Summer league trophy. After losing in the worst semi final I have ever played in the inevitable casualties followed as Coach Shiel was given the bullet. Now lacking not only the captaincy but also a nickname, John was pulled back into the playing ranks and new Coach Kevin ‘Slugger’ Southam stepped up to take on the awesome responsibility. The king is dead – long live the king!

Reeling from the body blow of Racks going under, Vinny’s text now meant that we were without a venue and unable to field the two sides we wanted. Not only that, but we were stuck with a team name that now has no relevance to our venue. The statement of “Racks gone into liquidation – closed down for good” was one of those ‘you remember where you were when you heard’ days…

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It took me back actually to a Saturday night in Northern Ireland. I was over there visiting family back in 1990 and some of us had spent the small hours in a club in this out of the way place called Cookstown. In a drunken stupor, my older cousin had pulled some atrocious looking woman and then disappeared with her around 10pm. At 3am he arrived back to meet us and catch the coach home, but wouldn’t admit just how bad looking this woman was. All of us on the coach were ripping into him while he sat in silence taking the abuse and trying not to react. After 30 minutes of relentless abuse he stood up at the back of the coach, and in front of 40 people (most of which we didn’t know) he said:

“ LOOK, I didn’t realise how bad she was ‘til we got under a street lamp. She had a set of teeth like a witchdoctors necklace and her growler needed more work than Terry Waites allotment! ALRIGHT! “

Vinny’s text had the same effect – stunning and something I wasn’t going to forget.

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All of which brings us back to this seasons pool. Rackspack needed to regroup, so JY and ex-coach Shiel did a pub crawl/reccy to find a new venue, and after venturing up and down Maidenhead High Street finally settled on The Bear. Our top brass negotiated long and hard with landlady Jane, and she eventually agreed to the world-record fee of £85 million that would bring the handsomest most talented people ever to pick up a cue to her venue. She got the bargain of the summer , and all we had to do now was settle on the side.

Coach Southam rallied the troops and after an extensive and exhaustive selection process settled on:

Coach “Slugger” Southam
Keith “The Wonder” Walls
Neil “Magic 105.4” Cameron
Brad “The bear at The Bear” Robinson
John “JY” Young
John “needs a new nickname” Shiel
Lee “Grinder” Greenwood
Craig “If he turns up at all I will owe you a fiver” Wilson
Ben “I’ll put him in a double with Craigy” Kiely

We had dotted the ‘t’s, crossed the ‘i’s, and all that remained was a name for our now legendary assault of the league title

Summer League 2009 – This Time it’s Personal

Match Report: WHITE WALTHAM SOCIAL CLUB 2 – 10 RACKS PACK

Like pulling on a old pair of slippers we slipped effortlessly into the usual routine and traditions. The first one, of course, being that we barely made six players on the night and the second one was getting lost on the way to our first match.

I went straight from work as it was only 4 miles away. Leaving bright and early at 7.10pm I got there dark and late at 7.55pm! Thank god Terry rang me while I was driving and was able to tell me where the place was. JY, Coach Southam, John and Bradley Bear were already there, and it was left to Neil to make the six. After a frantic phone call to find out where he was we knew that he had less idea of how to get there than we did. Fortunately JY spotted his car in the distance going the wrong way, so we rang Neil and told him to do a swift bat-turn and head back. Twenty minutes later Neil was still nowhere to be seen, and it dawned on us that perhaps it wasn’t Neil’s car that JY had seen after all. So of course we had to ring him again and tell him he was probably going in the right direction in the first place and could he get a move on. At 8pm he had managed to find a local cricket club, and eventually at 8.20 we managed to guide him back to WWSC.

The match got under way, and Coach Southam’s first big decision was who would lead us off on the path to eventual glory. The answer was “Wonder” Walls and he justified the decision with an 8 ball dish – it was the start of dreams. For the rest of the team, who had to be talked through it in excruciating detail, the stuff of nightmares. 1-0 to The Pack, and Dish of the Day already in the bag for the Wonder.

John was up next against Wayne Parr, and in a typical John Shiel frame no-one could figure out quite what he was doing or what shot he was going to play next. One minute he was in the frame, then he was out of it, then back in, then out, in, out, in, out. At one point he did actually shake it all about, and at that stage it struck us. A new star was born in John “hokey-cokey” Shiel. Luckily for John, at the conclusion of the frame he was in rather than out, and he duly stroked the black into the pocket and we took a 2-0 lead.

With things going swimmingly we carried on another Rackspack tradition of trying to chuck it all away. Brad’s mind was clearly and understandably on other things, and a slightly out-of-sorts Bear lost to Mick Rapley who hit a couple of cracking pots to pull one back for WWSC. The cocktail of Strongbow, Stella and a half-dozen Menthol cigarettes since four o’clock that afternoon was also having an effect on Brads game. Mind you, he did tell us how Dean Wisher was the best one frame pool player he had ever seen and then slipped in the “when I beat Dean Wisher on the Region 7 tour 7-1 he said to me… “ blah blah blah. Thus proving that ‘the most hated man in pool’ had lost none of his swagger during the summer hiatus. At least he was man enough to admit that John Terry had gone off the boil and would be better off going to Man City!

What was needed now was a real captains performance. Gritty resolve and a steady nerve were just two of the characteristics missing from Coach Southam’s game as Mark Trillow levelled it up at 2-2.

JY has spent hours on the practise table in recent weeks trying to work his game up from piss poor to slightly below average. It paid off as he put in an excellent finish against ‘Happy’ Gilmore which meant we took the lead again (3-2). ‘Magic’ followed JY, sporting for the first time a newly tipped cue courtesy of Robert Uzzell. After one shot where “it felt spongy”, he then cleared with the next visit and put us 4-2 up at the half.

One thing we wont miss from Racks is the sandwiches. But it’s good to know that despite it’s demise, the spirit of Racks lives on in outside catering as something strikingly similar to Racks fare appeared at half time, jazzed up by some sliced peppers.

Perhaps this Racks spirit fired us up, as the second half was a blitzkrieg as we stepped up a gear and “brought the thunder”!

JY doubled up against an unfortunate Rapley who could have taken a notable couple of scalps in JY and Brad but for a missed pot (5-2). The Wonder got past ‘Happy’ Gilmore who played two really good frames on the night but for no reward and “Hokey Cokey” put it all in once again and after shaking it all about notched up his double (7-2).

It was then left to the only losers from the first set to see if one of them was going to record the dreaded ‘double bagel’ in the opening match of the season. Coach Southam was never in danger with a polished performance and The Bear did what he does best – looking like he was in trouble he slammed a yellow the length of the table down a rail, and dropped in the black despite the white being wedged under the cushion.

Magic Cameron and his SpongeBob tip whittled through the final frame of the night and we had taken 8 in a row from 2-2 to get a 10-2 victory against a pretty useful side.

Pointless Flair Shot of the Week went to ‘hokey-cokey’ Shiel who slammed a double in with absolutely no effort at position on any other ball. Whacking it in and casually standing back trying to look like you know what you are doing is what this shot is all about.

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*newsflash*

Keep your mouse fingers flexed and your browsers pointed at rackspack.blogspot.com for earth-shattering news of what will surely be the most talked about event of this summers league - The rackpack.blogspot.com showboat special!

An announcement and more details follow...

*newsflash*