Not only has the new venue played havoc with our team name, but it’s also not too helpful when writing reports when one of your own players is nicknamed “The Bear”. I haven’t seen this much sporting confusion since German Bundesliga team Wolfsburg appointed Wolfgang Wolf as their manager.
Wolfgang Wolf – manager of Wolfsburg - ecstatic after he learns that Andy Brant and Ray Wootton are still an item.
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SPECIAL MATCH REPORT – THE BERKSHIRE OPEN
Sunday morning, and the great and good of Thames Valley Pool had descended on Reading for a go at the Berkshire Open. I began my campaign by sinking the greatest pressure ball black in the history of pool to squeak through 4-3 in the opening round. My wonder-pot of the decade gave me much kudos, but also cleverly served to disguise the fact that I had been absolute tripe all the way through the match and had somehow ballsed up two shots on the black to win it and stuck the black to a cushion. Word had got round that the “Wonder” was about to crash out to an utter unknown who didn’t know the rules, and by the time the crowds arrived I was 3 minutes into a 5 minute stare down between me and the black while I tried to figure out how I got into the mess I was in. Anyway, the black eventually went down and I advanced.
Away from the featured table “The Bear” wasn’t playing well (according to himself!), so we headed into the snooker room for some much needed practise. He rattled in a 43 break and in an instant became “The most hated man in pool and snooker too”. He followed up givng me a snooker smack-down by dry-humping Kevin Bassett 4-0 in the first round – I’d hate to see him when he wasn’t struggling!
‘Magic’ was really unfortunate to lose to Jack Davies. 2-0 down, he turned it round to lead 3-2 and Davies was all over the place with a number of slap-shots missing by miles. But just as it looked to be all over Neil left him a long yellow which would finish or save him and JD pulled out a tremendous pot in no way keeping with his previous 20 minutes. The final frame went to Jack who gathered himself well having been given a lifeline.
JY's plan to play and win the plate competition looked on course as he crashed out to Gary Sefton, and Andy got Billy Warmupmatch to then go through and play Neil’s conqueror Jack Davies.
Terry lost out to Mick Worsfield in a cliff hanger that went right to the wire. Ben Clarke, the world junior champ, had travelled an hour and a half to participate only to get there and draw Rob Uzzell. The Ruzzler opened up the industrial sized bucket of Fudge and the kid couldn’t resist it. Every time I looked round he was facing more containers than an Eddie Stobart garage, the Ruzzler running out an easy winner in the end.
The clash of the second round was “Wonder” v “The Struggling Bear”. The Bear going 2-0 up in no time wasn’t unexpected but the match turned on a missed yellow in the fifth frame. It allowed the Wonder to go 3-2 up and with Dish of the Day cooling gentle on the window sill, the Wonder cleared the next frame to win it 4-2. After this great victory against the former UK #57, all that was left was for the inevitable to happen i.e. The Wonder then plays an inferior opponent and crashes out in sorry fashion. Enter Gary Sefton, exit the Wonder.
While Andy was struggling against Davies and accusing him of being a “lucky c…”, JY had discovered Coors lite and was at it like water. By the time he lost in the plate quarter finals and Magic had gone out to the eventual plate winner Kevin Bassett the rest of us had long gone.
The semis were made up of Ruzzler, Steve “she wanted more” Carmichael and the Sabharwal brothers who, although sounding like a Southall cash and carry, were no doubt eyeing up the prize money and a deal.
Then the absolute worst thing of all happened – England team manager Robert Uzzell won it!! He beat brothers Vikas and Vid in the semi and final respectively. For years we’ve been ridiculing him for doing singles draws in his front room and then bringing it to a tournament. Check the draw sheet and you see he has Mr Bye in the first round, Mrs Bye in the second, the neighbour’s dog in the third and a quarter final against the winner of Local Muppet and Johnny Dreamdraw. Now he has gone and won the flippin’ thing!
Congratulations from Rackspack!
Wolfgang cant believe the news coming through – Uzzell won the open.
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ALL ABOARDDDDDD !!!!
MATCH REPORT – HOME VERSUS NMCC
Back to the matter at hand, and arriving at The Bear on Monday it was nice to see so many ex-Racks players out the front enjoying a drink in the sunshine. The other side playing from the Bear this season also happens to be one of our former Racks teams, so we had a bit of a catch up.
However the most welcome face we spotted was by far that of everyone’s favourite bar wench Amy who was now working at The Bear. Distraught at the loss of Racks and unable to face a summer without “the pack” she had taken up a job in The Bear just to be with us all once a week. She’s a legend, and if we had honorary membership badges we would have given her one there and then.
Coach Southam confirmed that he had the same bunch of reprobates to choose from as last week, but to heighten the excitement of Monday night pool there was the all new Rackspack Showboat Jackpot ®
Yes it was time to roll out the competition that no one can ignore! A pound per frame you play and the money rolling up until someone dishes off their first visit and follows it up with the steamboat honk.
The first team up for punching us out because we look like we are taking the p**s was NMCC A, not to be confused with NMCC B or last weeks opponents WWSC A. They were a totally different proposition and acronym altogether, led by Jim “Pretty Boy” Floyd and Dave “I’ll call myself DD if it gets me in the blog” Dawson.
After his successful debut at number one last week, up stepped the Wonder to lead us off. Pound coin paid into the Show Boat kitty The Wonder opened with a lovely break. But taking his eye of the pot he missed his red which would have left the finish. “Pretty Boy” couldn’t take advantage of this chink in his formidable armour, and the Wonder put us 1-0 up.
John Shiel was up against Maurice Dingley MD, a kinda of Doogie Howser but in reverse. “Hokey-Cokey” was clearly up for the showboat challenge and despite the ridicule of all who had ever seen him play, confidently reminded us that his record over the years spoke for itself, and warned us to “just watch how many clearances I make this season”.
Well. After we had all stopped laughing we realised that in order to keep track of the sheer number of clearances John would make this season we would need help. We put out a couple of calls to NASA and head hunted two of their top scientists. Not only that but we managed to build a super computer just big enough to calculate the massive number of clearances John was going to put in this summer. Not even E.R.N.I.E the premium bonds draw computer could take on the job. Every week we will try and publish the running total of all these dishes.
Wolfgang finally stops crying with laughter when Hokey-Cokey lays the beat-down about all his clearances over the years
12 visits later and we led 2-0!
Up stepped Brad and the stage was set for yet another in the long sequence of events that makes him the “most hated man in pool”. He broke, knocked in red after red and ended up on the black to centre. Before you could say “what a c**k” the black hit the knuckle and stopped right on the lip of the pocket. Unbelievable, it looked in all the way. Shame. 3-0 up and the Show Boat kitty was at £3.
Talking of the show boat, JY clearly had read the rules wrong and thought the prize was for who could take the most visits. At some point shortly after his forty-second visit he managed to clip in a great long black – only for the white to bounce round the table and knock in one of his opponents yellows. 3-1
Couch Southam was untroubled in making it 4-1 and Magic took the next for a 5-1 lead at the break.
With the match all but in our hands, it was all aboard the showboat and the jackpot money was up for grabs. JY avoided the double polo mint beating Craig Brand and the Wonder missed his last red but took the frame against Ray Dawson.
The Bear at the Bear had a slight chance in the next but despite winning the frame couldn’t take the cash and it was then the turn for the man of a thousand dishes to show us how it should be done. Two wins for John Hokey-Cokey Shiel on the night, but more pressing was what was the news from NASA on John’s extra-ordinary career? After he beat MD we rang NASA who had put their top nerd on the case and he computed the numbers.
OFFICIAL NASA REPORT
SUBJECT: John Hokey-Cokey Shiel
CAREER FLAIR RATING: 0.00
TOTAL FINISHES:
Stay tuned each week because I’m sure those numbers will be spinning like fruit machine wheels before you know it.
So the last two to step were Magic and Coach Southam. Magic had the second best chance of the night. Looking down the barrel of a straight yellow down the cushion with black at his mercy he opted for a slow roll. However the table took over and the white dam-bustered its way down the cushion, bouncing on and off it about 5 times before clubbing the yellow into the jaws. There was no silver lining either as Pretty Boy finished off in style to make it 9-2.
Coach had no hope of the money in the last but settled for yet another W and the final score was 10-2. More relevant that the score was the fact that the Showboat Jackpot is a rollover! Next match it starts at £12 and with those absent players (Lee/Craig) having to pay up as well this could hit £20 in no time !!
The league is for lady-boys – real men play the showboat !
HONK !!!
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