Quarter Final Match Report - Home versus WAMSAD

With the quarter final draw now published we looked at the fixtures and saw WAMSAD at home. Nice one, we thought, we can put that to bed early and then shoot down to the Bell to watch BAPL play the Forresters, should be a good match. That cunning plan went awry thanks to a bloke with a broken arm, a woman nine months pregnant and worryingly, a nasty case of the jitters.

The Mummy’s Revenge

Here at Rackspack towers we’ve never lacked confidence. Even before the draw for the quarterfinals we were confident that Coach Southam could succeed where others had failed in the past i.e. take Rackspack to the summer league title and onwards to knockout glory. Our confidence was such that even at this crucial time, Coach Southam had taken leave of us to chair the meeting of the International Brothel Playboys Union in Germany. It was a gathering where a Zorro mask and white bobbie socks are the ensemble du jour. It meant that we weren’t able to count on his vast leadership qualities as we prepared for our quarter final with WAMSAD.

Not a massive surprise to start the night, JY had mailed earlier me to say that he'd spoke to Tizzard and he was definitely coming, only for the aforementioned “Wizard” to not turn up. Never mind, Craig 'Muttley' Wilson was on hand and ready to show us just what he could do with a load of balls and a (four hundred pound) Parris Cue [eat your heart out Chas and Dave – Ed.]

For the serious stuff of the quarter finals the Showboat has been suspended, and it was down to the 'Wonder' Walls to take on the mammoth task of getting the order just right for this last 8 clash. Throwing caution and common sense to the wind, and in stark contrast to his stint as team captain, he decided to lead from the front and put himself in first. His opponent was Mark 'The Mummy' Richbell. Why the Mummy? Fresh from a broken arm Mark’s arm was wrapped up tighter than Tutankhamen and was only playing as WAMSAD were missing two of their normal starting line up. Because of the state of his arm he had to give Wonder the break – a bizarre move in itself - however more bizarre was the sight of Mark getting prepared for the frame.

See if you can picture this - Mark in full arm cast holding the cue horizontally and then one player holding the top end of the cue, another player the 'butt' end a third unwrapping some of the bandage from his busted arm and tying Mark’s hand to the cue! Eventually man and cue had become one and we were underway.

The Wonder broke and went for it, then seemed to forget what he actually went for and then realised he should have stayed home and ordered it online as "The Mummy" cleared up with his second visit to put WAMSAD 1-0 up. We all knew that the Wonder could be beaten by a man with one arm and now the evidence was right there in front of our eyes.



“Mark celebrates his win with the Peter Crouch Robot Dance”

Frame two, and Hokey Cokey has taken more slating this season than the roof of St Paul’s Cathedral but he ground out the next one in his usual composed fashion. Andy Gatehouse didn’t get much of a look in once HC covered a couple of pockets and it was 1-1.

Chris Stanmore then missed a great chance to put WAMSAD in front when he missed a red against the 'Bear' and when Muttley put his new cue to good use against Sam Stanmore normal service had been resumed. 3-1 to the Pack.

Frame five and it was the turn of the Rackspack Sol Campbell AKA John Young. Just like the "Velvet Judas" JY also tends to disappear after one match, and who knew what to expect as he took on Debbie "I’m expecting" Richbell. Yes, young Debbie was 8 and 3/4 months into her attempt at breeding. Interestingly if you put her and JY behind a screen and made silhouettes you might have struggled to guess who was who. So with Mark "the Mummy" Richbell having already played we now had Debbie "The Mummy II" Richbell coming out of trap five. All we needed now was the little one to appear and we could have had a trilogy.

As it was JY got the solid a good victory we needed. Debbie was struggling to reach the white when there was a stretch on and was using HCs hand for bridging in order to play some shots. This led to the question of whether or not we could still claim 2 shots if HC accidentally touched a ball? Still she was unlucky in that while clearing up the reds she inadvertently snookered herself on the last two balls and it cost her the frame.

4-1 up and surely it was all over? Not so fast readers. Matt Fry was a grateful recipient of a frame when Magic somehow potted a red and cannoned the black across the table and into the middle bag and 4-2.

We couldn’t afford to be complacent so the Wonder went for the jugular and put Bradley Bear out to bat in frame 7 with strict instructions to come back with a win. Mark 'The Mummy' had got his strap on sorted out and was looking for the unlikeliest double in league pool – beating the Bear and the Wonder in one sitting. Well, 5 minutes later this unlikeliest of doubles was written into pool folklore as the bandaged maestro did it again and secured a more popular double than Les Dawson’s chin and suddenly it was 4-3. Now everyone wanted a bandage and to be tied to their cues as it seemed to work miracles.

At that point the last thing I need was to be asked for an update by Coach Southam…

(text from Coach) “How’s it going”

(text to Coach) "It’s 4-3! Me and Brad have lost to a bloke with a broken arm."

(text from Coach) "you guys better not lose. How can you play pool with a broken arm? In fact you'll find out if you screw this up!"

Technology – isn’t it wonderful.

4-3, game on, and it was time for us to open our legs and show our class. Muttley Wilson played Andrew Gatehouse and after missing a black Muttley found himself snookered. He got out of it but the frame was there for the taking. Andrew was left with the classic 'Robbie Williams' into the top right hand pocket (looks straight but definitely isn’t). It rattled, but he left Craig snookered yet again. But you don’t buy an expensive cue like Craig’s unless you either know how to fluke your way out of a snooker or you are completely stupid. Luckily for us it was the former, and a missed red from Andrew and it was soon 5-3.

Frame nine and the Wonder had to redeem himself. His confidence was severely dented after losing to a one armed pool player. In order to try and make certain of the frame he tried something totally out of character - a safety shot. Looking like he had been playing them all his life he glanced off his yellow…and sunk the white into the corner bag! But Sam Stanmore missed his one chance when he tried to free his red near the corner and didn’t get it clear. The Wonder played an excellent positional shot (one out of ten isn’t bad) to get onto his penultimate ball and we were on the hill at 6-3.



'Safety is not The Wonder's strong point'

We needed one more and we got it via Hokey Cokey as he did the business with a no nonsense effort on Chris Stanmore. John 'Sol Campbell'' Young took out Matt Fry in good style and while we munched on the sandwiches the only excitement left was whether or not Neil ‘Magic’ Cameron could save himself from the dreaded double doughnut against Debbie "The Mummy II". As it turned out Magic couldn’t pull a rabbit out of the hat this time, and it was the yummy mummy who beat Magic and left him with the doughy taste of two losses. Debbie then told us that the kid was due on Monday, and it was to be called Neil – ironic, because we've got a Neil and he is going to be dropped next Monday as well!

So it finished 8-4 and after the handshakes and cast-shakes we raced to The Bell to catch the rest of their match, except it was all over – BAPL had beaten The Foresters 7-0! What on earth happened there? If anyone cared they would have their own blog! Next week we’re in the semi final versus Heinz 57 and plenty of inter team rivalry as the members of the Thursday night Irish Club side find themselves on opposite sides for a place in the final.

Happy cueing.

Match report - home versus The Pondhouse

Before we get to this week report, we'll dip straight into the mailbox and we've received a letter from Giles Denney's lawyers. Giles, you'll remember, dished Brad last week and was promoted by Brad to take his title of The Most Hated Man In Pool:

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Dear Rackspack,

I am instructed on behalf of my Client, "the second most hated man in pool", to instigate immediate proceedings against you, should you fail to cease and desist from your blatant deformation and improper promotion of my client from "second most" to "most". Your proposition is ridiculous and we will have no problem establishing the facts by way of testimony from his fellow Rackspack team and for that matter half of Maidenhead! Brad is the most hated man in pool and for him to even consider relinquishing his top spot is clearly absurd. Whilst writing, we take the opportunity to point out that Brad seems to be under the misapprehension that turning up and showing his boat race (face) is in some way considered to be a Showboat!

Yours faithfully Dingbat, Warts & Shingles LPA & PMTS
Solicitors in Dennis Law
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Thank you for getting in touch. We're very happy to say that as per your request Mr Robinson has been reinstated at the most hated man in pool.

Match Report

We'll start this week with our favourite quote from the Lord's book:

Pool 16:11 - And the Lord said "Let Rackspack be the greatest pool team ever. Let them kick arse in the Maidenhead Summer league and let anyone who stands before them be swept aside by a wave of flair". And lo, it came to pass that on the twenty first day of the ninth month in the year of two thousand and nine, Rackspack tidied up their final match of the group stages in the Maidenhead league.

The title was over some weeks ago but there was a small matter of our 100% record and the Showboat roll-over to be settled and we knew there'd be no favours done and no quarter given when we entertained The Pond House on Monday night.

The Return of the Prodigal Son

The first miracle of the evening was when I got a phone call from Craig Wilson.

"Wallsy!"

"Craigy!"

"Where are we playing tonight ?"

Craig making an appearance? What's this "we" crap? Having not been seen all season, and having promised and failed to turn up to previous matches, the 'Muttley' of Thames Valley Pool had appeared not only on the previous Thursday night in the Slough league but now for the Monday nights in Maidenhead. The smell of a trophy and the lure of the Showboat roll-over meant that Muttley (" gimme gimme medal snicker snicker snicker...") had volunteered himself for service for the final game. However with Hokey Cokey, JY, The Bear, Wonder, Magic and Coach Slugger already having declared themselves available, Craigy would have to keep his powder dry while we all had a shot at the boat.



Muttley: "Gimme gimme medal"

Another week and another Coach Southam random draw saw the Wonder stuck in lowly sixth spot. HC was up first and with time rapidly running out in his quest for a million and one dishes he had promised us, he took on Mark Webb. The red down the rail didn't drop, but a few visits later we had won the frame and John had won strangest colour selection of the season for going for reds when Yellows seemed the choice all day. The Bear looked out of sorts in the next but still pulled it together to take out the last 3 and the black to beat Ray Enderby and it was 2-0.

Pondhouse captain-for-the-night Tracy Harmon cares not for reputations. In our last encounter she left Tizzy with 7 on the table. This time she had drawn Magic Cameron. Tracy broke, potted one and then pulled out the shot of the season. Knowing full well the rules of the Showboat, she completely wrecked any chance Magic had by playing a shot which involved rolling the white right up the backside of a red, leaving Neil on nothing - not even a chance to fluke one in. It was a great shot warmly applauded by the rest of us, and the unclaimed Showboat was now pushing towards the £20 mark. A few visits later and Tracy had two yellows left to Neil's seven reds. The reds were scattered all over the middle of the table and Tracey's red was in the middle of them. All Neil had to do was flick of one of his balls and leave the white at the top of the table and she would have been snookered. Neil saw the same shot, but played in such a way to not only fail to leave her snookered, but to somehow clear a pathway through his reds for the yellow to pot in the bottom corner! Moses himself couldn't have parted those balls better. A couple of pots later and Tracy had left another "Packer" with seven. 2-1



Moses - “With a wave of the cue, the reds parted…..”

JY took out Mikey Diaz, Coach Slugger made it 4-1 and the Wonder beat James Graham to give Rackspack a healthy 5-1 lead at half-time. Beating Mikey must have taken its toll on JY, as shortly afterwards he disappeared to tend to the Thai bride he keeps at home in his basement. Craig "Muttley" Wilson stepped up to the plate for the back half and the boat was still afloat.

Return of the Whack

Having missed most of the season it was only fair that Muttley had to pay a little bit extra to join in on the showboat tomfoolery. The £3 we agreed upon was duly deposited in Justina, and it was over to Coach "Blatter" Southam for another wholly fair and above board draw...Amazingly the Wonder came in sixth and in a 'surely not' move Muttley drew trap one and was first up!

The stage was set - no one had seen him all season, our calls had gone answered and our voice-mails and texts unreturned, and yet just 8 balls separated Muttley from the eternal glory of the showboat, a prize of £22 and a popularity rating about as high as that of Emmanuel Adebayor at the Arsenal Christmas party. We held our breath as the cue was drawn back...a mighty thump followed...the break was solid but the white ball flew down the middle pocket hole quicker than John Shiel into the private cabins at the HP. Three quid for a break, that's the Showboat folks! Craigy recovered to beat Jemma Clifford but the showboat was now just a distant memory.


"When you pay £3 and go in off on the break – you’ve failed”

Hokey Cokey had one final chance to write his name into Rackspack folklore. The chance was there for all to see and he had a yellow two foot from the middle pocket to open up the frame. Unfortunately his cue brain was writing a cheque that his cue arm couldn't cash, and the yellow was left a foot short, giving away two shots for not hitting a cushion. Mark Webb couldn't, however, take advantage though and HC got his second win of the night.


“technical malfunctions beset the NASA nerds computer while waiting for news of John's first clearance”

The Miracle of the Long Yellow

Only two men had managed the giant feat of claiming a Showboat crown, the Bear (twice) and Coach. When Coach stepped in and broke against James Graham it didn't look on. There were 4 easy balls but another couple that were in a mess around the corner. He managed to work a position that let him pot yellows 5 and 6 but they left him trying to get on his last ball with a delicate little stun-run through off another ball. He tried, he failed.

"Total snooker".

Har-de-har, Coach was tucked up on the last yellow which was around the black spot. The white almost level but a couple of inches nearer the bottom cushion and a juicy red smack in between them. As we giggled amongst ourselves and looked to the scorecard to see who was up next, the miracle happened. Taking his time to size up the angles, he proceeded to smash the white off the bottom cushion with right hand side, and it cracked the yellow as clean as you like into the top right hand corner - almost the length of the table. As if that wasn't enough the white stopped perfectly for a cut on the black. A centimetre more and he was snookered - as it was the thin cut to the corner was on and a few seconds later - HONNNNNNNNNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ker-ching! £24 banked, and Coach Southam's Showboat winnings were over £50 this season.


Brad, Keith & Neil play for what was left of the showboat.

After The Lord Mayors Show

With Justina our Showboat piggy bank now emptied, the final frames were very much an anti-climax. Brad took out a nice finish to prevent Tracy from claiming another scalp, Neil avoided the double doughnut by beating Ray Enderby and the Wonder took the last against Mikey Diaz. 11-1, and a stunning result for the pack that equalled our best of the season.

So the group stages are finally over. It was ironic that Coach Southam took the last Showboat before the serious pool begins, being as he will be away with work for the quarter finals. However the rest of the pack are in fine form as our 11-1 victory showed. The quarters are next Monday, and the draw looks like this:

RACKS PACK v WAMDSAD A
GOLDEN X A v COOKHAM SOCIAL
BELL BAPL v FORESTERS
HEINZ 57 v WWSSC B

SEMI FINAL DRAW

WINNER OF GAME 4 v WINNER OF GAME 1
WINNER OF GAME 3 v WINNER OF GAME 2

So if we overcome WAMDSAD we'll be away to the might of the "Heinz 57". Heinz may have 57 varieties, but here at Rackspack towers we only have one - a catering size can of whoop-ass, and (all things going to form) we'll be dishing up all over the Heinz 57 boys in two weeks at their place.

Happy cueing.

Fred Lofts

It's a debate we've all had - who's he best pool player you've seen? Have that debate with anyone who has played pool in the Thames Valley area in the last 20 years and sooner or later (mostly sooner) you get to Peter Lofts. We're sorry to report that last week Peter's father Fred (‘Pops’) passed away.

Fred seemed to attend every match that Peter played in on a Thursday night, despite the fact that none of us at Rackspack can actually remember seeing him play a frame! He seemed to take a great deal of enjoyment and pride in turning up, socialising and watching his son Peter play. He became part of the fixtures and fittings; when Peter was playing, Fred was shadowing his every shot. He was a very likeable character and all of us at Rackspack extend our sympathies and condolences to Peter and his family.

Match Report - Home versus The Bear

Greeting fellow cueists.

This weeks match was a derby, pitting two former racks teams against each other at their new home, The Bear. The first match was a closely fought affair, ending in a gratifying 7-5 victory for the pack. We knew Michael "The Wizard" Tizzard was a no-show for this game ("I'm broke"), but with the prodigious but unpredictable talents of Wonder Walls taking his place on the rackspack roster I felt confident that we could open our legs and show our class. Another no-show was "Grinder" Greenwood who was last seen single handedly running the Greenwood sandwich empire after his father's recent operation.

Their was a buzz of anticipation about the pre-match practice. Brad was dishing up John almost at will, and Keith was dishing up almost everyone else. After two showboat dishes in the last match at NMCC, surely the Showboat would go again this week! With two pounds in Justina (the showboat piggy bank) and six tight-wads waiting to find out who was first to have a crack at the money Coach Southam made the eagerly totally random draw, and Neil was up first, followed by JY, Brad, Hokey Cokey Shiel, Coach himself and finally Wonder Walls. No one was pleased to see the boy Walls at the arse-end of the first half draw, no one except Mr Walls that is. Having been banging in the clearences in practice he showed what a truly classy man he is by promising to donate his showboat winnings to the Dean Godwin charitable foundation for little guys.

Sad to say but after the buzz of the random draw the match itself was very much a case of after the lord mayor's show as Baron Staples, Steve Newell, Tony Baxter, Giles Denney, Mike Bisset and Jon Williamson all succumbed to the awesome power of the pack. 6-0 at the end of the first half and all that remained was John Shiel to seal the victory in the seventh frame of the evening against Steve Newell and the pack were once again on the march.

The match was done and dusted by 10PM and ended in a 9-3 victory for the pack, with Wonder, Brad and Coach Southam all losing in the second half.

More importantly than the score, y'all want to know who claimed the showboat! No-one! The only attempt of note was by Coach Slugger Southam who managed to get on the last two balls, and then miss his next pot by so much that what started as a attempted cut in the top corner ended as a double off two balls into the middle pocket. What followed was the worst shot of the evening as Coach attempted a cut-double on his last red that he hit so fine that the ref had to borrow the hot-spot cricket camera off Sky Sports to make sure a contact had been made.

There was one clearance of note in the match. Giles Denney, who in the first half against John Hokey-Cokey Shiel looked like he couldn't clear a dinner table, produced what can only be described as the best clearance this reporter has ever seen. Full of subtle flicks and deflections, it was the kind of clearance that would have you wishing it was against someone else. The recipient of this lesson in pool was Brad, who left the table mumbling something about Giles being a "'orrible man" and "how can I be the most hated man in pool after that!". Being as gracious as ever, and reflecting on the fact that Brad had only put 95p into the pot instead of the requisite £1, Coach Southam made Giles an honourary member of Club Showboat and donated £1 to Giles!

So the Showboat is a roll-over (£13) and we go into the last week of the league format of the summer season wondering what to do with the showboat if no-one wins it next week. Bradley suggested putting the money behind the bar, but seeing as he arrives at our Monday night home fixtures on Sunday evening that was a no-go. Keith suggested a convoluted one frame knock-out competition, and Coach Southam suggested he would "look after" the money until next season. None of these ideas was really ideal, so we throwing the question open to you, the Rackspack readers, to come up with some ideas what we can do with the money. Email your answers to rackspack@hotmail.co.uk.

Into The Mailbox

In preparation for your answers, we've been into the mailbox this week to clear out all the spam. In amongst the willy cream, porn mail and offers from Nigerian Emperors to help them with some unreleased funds there were some useful ones.

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Hey Rackspack

Are you the pool version of the England football team ?

Is this going to be yet another season where you go on and on and on about how great you are and how you’re going to win this thing, but then once you’ve qualified and it gets to the serious knockout stages you collapse in a pile of hype? If so can you just get on with it and save us all the time and trouble.

Cheers,

Hugh Mather-Farquar
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K&K – What can we say Hugh? This time, more than any other time, this time, we'll get it right. It’s coming home. There’s only one way to beat them, get round the back, etc, etc

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Dear Rackspack, yeah

My mate yeah, er, let’s call him…Andy...well, he keeps gettin stuffed by Maurice Sheehan. It’s appening neerly every week yeah. Wot can I do to stop it as its getting embarrasing 4 him wot?

I is er, I mean he is a really grate player normally and you know dat you bitches.

Mandy Brant err Grant
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Dear Rackspack

I’ve been reading with some interest the problems you are having being forced to endure the frames of John "Hokey Cokey" Shiels frames this season and I have a suggestion. Whilst performing certain "activities" in the bedroom, the wife and I insist on having a 'safe word' that one of us can call out when things start getting too painful. Once the safe word is yelled, all actions have to stop until we have agreed that it is ok to continue again. Might I suggest you use the approach when watching HC ??

yours

Keiron D. Community
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K&K - An inspired email. Certainly we here at Rackspack towers are starting to feel sorry for our “Nobby Styles” as we have to sit through frame after frame waiting for John to demo his famous clearances. From now on if it starts getting really painful we will start shouting "EPSOM SALTS!" and demand a clearance attempt!

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Bonjour mes ami

I wonder if you can help me with a small problem. Next month will see the last matches of the World cup qualifying groups. I am worried that some of my friends and their countries wont make it and will have to go into the play-offs. Portugal, Germany, Russia, even my beloved France might have to play off. Now I don’t want them to draw each other and have difficult games to get through - I want them to draw the smaller teams so that they can win easy and generate more money for me. The only way to do this is to somehow rig the draw but we have done this before and we are running out of ideas on how to get away with it. After reading what Coach Southam did with the showboat selection the other week, would he mind helping me out? I will contact you soon.

Bon Chance

Michel Platini
Head of UEFA

PS there will be a brown envelope on your desk in the morning.
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K&K - Michel, no one knows how he did it and the Coach certainly isn’t letting on, but these days even Derren Brown is taking lessons from the master of sleight of hand.

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Dears Rackspack or whatever it is you call yourselves.

Stop giving us a bad name or we will sue you !!

Dwayne Pipe

Chief Legal officer, Kripsy Kreme
U.S.A.
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K&K - We'll stop using your Krispy Kreme name as soon as John Hokey-Cokey Shiel starts winning games and you stop invading oil-rich countries under the pretence of international security!

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Dears Rackspack,

I demand a clarification on what exactly you mean by a showboat clearance. In the last home game report you reported that I went for an impossible clearance when all I did was break and come up dry!

Yours, the most hated man in pool after Giles Denney,

Brad
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K&K - thanks for getting in touch Brad. The dubious clearance attempts committee has been in sitting this week and have adjudged that a Johnny dry-break is technically impossible to clear up from, therefore qualifies as an impossible clearance!

Remember, you can get in touch at rackspack@hotmail.co.uk! Next weeks home game is the last league game so do let us know what we can do with the showboat money!

Happy cueing!