Special Report - Yarmouth Seven-Man Team Qualifiers

If You Want Great Yarmouth – Follow The Bear (or How I Tried To Buy Some Time Before Having To Write The Match Report Where I Lost Twice In One Night)

We have another bye this week readers so before we get to last weeks report (is that the match where you lost twice?) I thought I would thrill you all with a tale of whooping-ass and ass-whooping that is the final qualifiers for the Yarmouth Seven man team competition.

For those who don’t know, there is a UK-wide competition every year called “The Champion of Champions.” The only criteria for entry is that (1) you must have won or come second in the top league of your association or (2) you must play for Robert Uzzell. There are play offs between the best teams in the various regions, and the winners go to the finals at Great Yarmouth. The finals are supposed to determine the best ‘pub’ team in the UK.

In the last few years winning the league in Slough was enough to get you straight through to the finals in Yarmouth, but in recent years the competition has expanded, we (The Irish Club) found ourselves in a qualifier against The Twigg – the winners of the Bracknell and Ascot league.

The qualifying format is a race to eight frames. The first to win 8 frames goes through and if the match goes to 7-7 then there’s a tense one frame winner-takes-all decider.

Our team consisted of JY, myself, Coach, Bradley Bear, Terry “Triple T” Dingley, Pat “Phudger” Phelan and Steve Payne (the player not playing in the Maidenhead league).

The match was played at the Irish Club, and the atmosphere was fantastic - The Twigg brought around 15 supporters on top of their playing side. As a result every frame victory brought with it a series of high fives and cheering that resembled the Ryder Cup matches. From 3-1 down we wrestled our way to 4-3 up after Terry and JY played some outstanding stuff to help drag us back into it. Brad’s win preceded a sublime 8 ball finish from Steve to put us into a 6-4 lead as the match reached it’s denoument, but The Twigg battled back to 6-6. Coach then gave us all a heart attack when he turned a simple finish into a “Go your own way” special to give us a 7-6 advantage and it was on JY to try and clinch the match.

After knocking in an excellent long yellow down the rail, he let himself a thin snick on the black that he just over cut, and the Twiggs man cleared his last few balls to level the match at 7-7 and force the decider. The three candidates to play the deciding frame were Steve, Brad and myself. Steve said he didn’t fancy it, but Brad had one of his “I am not losing this even if I have to play left handed” looks – so the choice was simple.

The Twigg’s captain then made what I consider to be a critical error.

In a decider I always prefer putting in someone who is 100% reliable to play their frame, and that’s not necessarily the best player on the night. In this case they put in a guy who had won twice, but frankly had gone for and got clearances where I thought he had got the run of the balls. He had played brilliantly no doubt, but I wasn’t sure how he would cope with the pressure if he had to get into a safety exchange.

Part way through the frame Brad left him a teaser - a long red that needed a miracle to pot and free his last ball - and he fell for it. After potting the red he was left with no shot on his last ball and could only knock it out into the open. Brad played a snooker, got the two shots and potted the last four yellows before rolling in the black for the win.

Brad went berserk and we went berserk with him. He screamed out “GET IN THERE “as the black was still on its way to the hole and we all piled in on top of him when it dropped. An amazing match and wonderful result for us. Oddly enough everyone had played two and lost one over the first 14 frames so each player contributed something (so you didn’t lose both then Keith, that makes a change !). The Twigg players have to be commended for helping create a great atmosphere, playing some excellent pool and sportingly wishing us luck in the finals. It was good to see Rab Weir for the first time in a long while. ‘Wazza’ produced a top class eight-ball clearance under pressure in the second half and the guy who lost the decider really didn’t deserve that fate considering the two frames he had won.

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So now that’s over with, lets move on to the controversies. My first one - and this really bugged me - was watching ‘Lucky’ Birdy refereeing all their matches. A referee is one of those ‘seen and not heard’ jobs i.e. just stand back and let the play continue. What annoys me with lucky is that he practically tells his players what shot to play. If they have a few balls left he walks round the table and eyes up the pots, sometimes actually bending down to ‘sight’ balls.

Five times on Friday he ‘sighted’ a pot for his players.

When I say sighted I will give an example of what happened in Steve’s first match. The Twigg player has a few yellows left and one tied up on the black spot touching some reds. The yellow didn’t go and had to be freed somehow. Lucky walked around the table and looked at a yellow into the centre. He positioned himself where he thought the white should be so that you can pot it and cannon into the bunch. He even crouched down to stare at the angle on this yellow even though the white is somewhere else. He effectively told his own player where he should put the white so that he can clear the difficult ball out. I’ve no doubt that the player would have seen the shot anyway, but that’s not the point and it’s not in the spirit of the game.

Now onto controversy number two (coincidently the number of frames you lost last Monday!)

We at Rackspack towers like to believe that we are teachers as well as students of the game. Our reason for being is to try and pass on over 100 years of collective pool playing knowledge. We’ve seen it, done it and got the paperweight plastic trophy. Occasionally we get self indulgent and tell some stories and reminisce about old times. But last week we added a new ‘string’ to our bow – predicting the future. Does anyone remember this prognostication from last weeks blog:

“The Lady Haig (Slough – Lee Greenwood, John Townsend, Danny Raj, Ben etc) travel to The Twigg in Bracknell this Thursday to play off for a place in Yarmouth at the national 7 man finals. They are up against a side captained by Dave “nom de plume” Bryant * so make sure you check those cards carefully up there.”

The Lady Haig were runners-up in the Slough league, and they were drawn away to the Twiggs second team in one of the other qualifiers. The match was played the night before ours on the Thursday and the LH lost it 8-6. By all accounts it was a close encounter with plenty of winding up going on from both sides as the match went on.

To enter the CoC you must register all your players on the entry form, and the rule is that all of the players you register must have played 50% of your team’s league matches when you qualified for the CoC. The rule is designed to stop sides qualifying, and subsequently grabbing the best players from their area and sticking them together in a side. All sensible stuff really and it means that if you won a league and then moved teams you would still be able to go back to the old side and play in Yarmouth even though you were now playing elsewhere.

So it was a bit of a surprise when a certain Twigg player mentioned to Lee that he had only just signed up for the Twigg and this was his first season.

Yes, as forecast by us it was yet another Dave Bryant special, straight from the man who brought you “This is Steve Ring, I mean Leigh Morshead”. The man who is currently serving a ban from the Maidenhead league for playing ringers to try and win the premier. A phrase involving “leopard” and “spots” springs to mind.

I have no problem with Dave’s players as it’s not their responsibility - it’s their captain who is taking the risks. Most of their team - including Dave - came to the Irish on Friday to support the other Twigg side. We gave our customary welcome to Leigh Morshead of “Hi Steve” and Leigh took it in good humour as it’s all done with smiles and handshakes.

So a complaint is being filed and another tournament committee is going to have to sort out this guys mess yet again. Why does he do it? He runs loads of tournaments and competitions in Bracknell and Ascot and puts a lot of time and effort into the game, so surely he knows what a total pain in the arse it is sorting out other peoples mess?

To compound the ‘faux pas’ prior to the game you could log onto the Bracknell and Ascot website, click on the teams from last year and it shows you all the individual players and their averages. Of course the offending player’s name is nowhere to be seen. The player admitted he wasn’t part of the side and the website backs it up so there’s your evidence. The Haig has a watertight case by the looks of it.

Or do they ???

Go to the same website now, and click on the teams name and - in my best Keyser Soze impression “like that….’puff’ - he’s gone!“

Yep, unless I am looking in the wrong place or at the wrong thing the whole lot has vanished, no stats, no players lists nothing. Coincidence?

Why do I even bother to raise this issue? Basically because I can’t stand seeing cheating and corruption, I cant help it. I was on the Thames Valley committee for ten years and you get sick and tired of dealing with crap from players who should know better. Oh and don’t get me started on things like FIFA, UEFA, Cup draws or other branches of football and sporting governing bodies (oh god, please DO NOT get him started on this – ED). It’s one of the only things that truly winds me up (if only – ED)

I’m not claiming the moral high ground here as none of us are perfect, but I know the Lady Haig players well we would normally share caravans, sort out drivers to get there, etc. So with what’s happened can they book the time off work yet? Of course not and no doubt by the time it’s eventually sorted out some of them wont be given the time off at short notice and will miss out. Can we arrange cars and drivers to get there? No. How many caravans and chalets we need to book? No idea.

Of course the Champion of Champion organisers will have to make a decision, and until then the Lady Haig and Bracknell players will have no idea who is through. The Slough league committee need to be involved in my opinion, as the Lady Haig are their league representative in the tournament and they should be fighting their corner as well. Are you getting my point now?!? One silly move and suddenly 20 or 30 people are caught up in this screw up.

So watch this space and we will report on whatever the outcome is when we hear it. The finals are on the first weekend in November.

Now I can finally climb off my soapbox for another week.

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To try and end on a happier note, I will give you two bits of classic cheating, both from the Rackspack Towers archive and both from the same guy who I wont name. He played for one of the top teams in the Slough league a few years ago, and his name cropped up in a conversation I had with Peter Lofts a few weeks back. I was reminded of two stories about him. I was on the receiving end of the first one, but only heard of the second second-hand.

At the Irish Club, the guy in question has one red left over the right baulk corner. The black is on its spot with my yellow stuck to it so the black doesn’t go anywhere. There are no other balls left and the white is touching the black so the cueing is awkward. The bridge is quite tricky over the top of the black and yellow but he plays the white dead weight all the way up the table to tap in the last red over the top corner. As the white trickles up the table the ref watches it all the way…not seeing the fellow in question use the thumb of his bridge hand to quickly roll my yellow a centimetre to the left. When the red drops he walks round the table and suddenly the black now pots into opposite corner! I raised this with the ref and the player said “did you see it ref” , “err…no I didn’t” , “well then you cant call a foul then can you !”

On this occasion there was natural justice - He then went in off the black. What a tosser.

The second incident involved the same player in a competition. He broke and potted a red, and with his next shot rolled another one over a pocket. His opponent approached the table, and asked what colour he was on, so he told “reds”. The opponent then pots a red and the guy called a foul and two shots against him, claiming it was the opponents fault for not paying attention to the frame. The organisers are called and he denies saying anything and goes on to clear up knocking the other guy out.

Nice man, very nice man.

K&K

Dear Racks Pack...

I know, I know - we have been too lazy, or too busy, or just caught up in other things. Either way the blog has suffered lately and we can only apologise.So what have we all been up to then? What excuses do we have for not putting some work in?

On Wednesday night I spent four hours up against Videsh in the final best-of-nine singles qualifier for Yarmouth. I think he is great but when he is in one of his match ‘trances’ you don’t need to call a clock on him, you need a calendar. With no Racks Pack match that week, I had warmed up for this winner-takes-all event by letting Coach Shiel beat me like a ginger step-child on the Monday night. Anyway, after eventually beating Videsh 5-4 I eventually got out of Racks and down to the train station to meet my train home with seconds to spare.

It’s a pain in the arse to have to cycle home from Slough to Langley, and on this occasion this was literally the case as I arrived at Slough station to find my saddle had been nicked. The journey home was long and painful having to stand up and ride, and I was in constant fear that I was the merest drunken memory-lapse away from a metal pole up the ace.

It was an eventful week for the rest of the pack. ‘Magic’ had spent 72 consecutive hours on the sofa watching the Ryder Cup, shattering his own personal record for laziness. Slugger has discovered there is an exciting world of food outside of McDonalds and it’s golden arches after his cookery course, and the ‘Bears’ love-life has taken another turn after discovering that – contrary to many of his favourite R-rated DVD’s – three-into-one doesn’t go.

The ‘coach’ is about to get his own engraved pint glass down at Smokey Joe’s now that his Platinum membership card has come through (you get one for 50 visits in a year). Vic is on the verge of becoming a fully fledged tax dodger as ‘freshers’ week approaches, and JY has slipped faultlessly back into his 9.45pm disappearing act. On the subject of things vanishing, no-one has seen Ben Kiely in three months.

In other ‘pool’ related news, the Dean Hardesty/Trevor ‘Buenos’ Dias management team is flourishing in the county C team, after a stunning comeback against Surrey last week. We can only imagine the scale of the shouting and yelling in that match. Even the ladies are performing well. However the “A” ream are not fairing so well - Brad’s frank assessment of them was “they are all sh*t apart from me and Loftsy. We were 8-0 down when I got my first frame…it hardly got the adrenaline flowing”.

The pool world championships hits SKY this week, commencing on 23^rd September with the men’s team event. A finely groomed Robert Uzzell could be seen managing the England team to victory. Looking increasingly like a youthful Bobby George the commentators changed his name to “England Manager Robert Oooozell”. Still some things never change - I bet he had his trainers on with the suit.

The Lady Haig (Slough – Lee Greenwood, John Townsend, Danny Raj, Ben etc) travel to The Twigg in Bracknell this Thursday to play off for a place in Yarmouth at the national 7 man finals. They are up against a side captained by Dave “nom de plume” Bryant * so make sure you check those cards carefully up there.

(* ‘nom de plume’ a fictitious name used by someone in place of their actual name; having a false name)

The Irish Club (me, Brad, Pat Phelan, Steve Payne, Terry, JY, and Coach) take on the other Bracknell side on Friday. This is great planning and captaincy from “Triple T” (Terry The Turncoat) because we have an excuse for going out Friday night afterwards. The sharp-eyed among you will have spotted the lack of ‘Andos’ Brant in the team list – and why? Because the pink oboe player is off to a snooker presentation instead and isn’t going to play. I can’t believe he is letting us down like that and hadn’t told me.

Claire ‘the dormouse’ Dormer from Racks finally put one over arch rival Anne Middleton to qualify for the ladies finals. I think it’s the first time she has managed to beat Anne, her victory no doubt all-the-sweeter for being 3-0 down at one point.

Over in Slough, the summer league coming to a gripping conclusion. With the knockout stages just around the corner, expect to see Kevin and I whoring ourselves out by joining a team at late notice to try and steal a medal out of it. They don’t call us ‘Mutleys’ for nothing (‘gimme gimme medal’).

So with all that going on we’ve not found the time in the last few weeks to spew out a few words for the blog. Thank goodness for the mailbag which was packed to the gills yet again, so it’s time for us to address the burning issues in the pool world. First up, a response to the excellent article we published a few weeks ago on how to use the rest:

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Dear Racks Pack,

Yous too are gunna get a rite smack in the feerce when eye get hold of ya. Yous made me sound like a feckin jordy when im from tha Boro’ ya conts!

JY (talented b@stad with a rest!)

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K&K – sincerest apologies John. In the spirit of right to reply, it’s true to say you are a talented bastard with a rest. In fact we wish you’d take a rest more often.

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Dear Racks Pack,

Is it true that hunky chunk of beef-cake Brad dropped two of his three women by email and text last week? If so can you pass my details onto him, as clearly one woman is not enough for him. I would offer myself to any of you but unfortunately I only date players who are top of the averages.

Hugs and Kisses

Tara Raboomsiyay

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K&K - Due to a banning order issued by Mr Robinson’s lawyers we’re unable to comment on his current relationship status. However if top of the averages is what you want, you may want to check those average tables.

RANKING	Player	Played	Won	Win %
1	Brad	6	6	100.0
1	Keith	7	7	100.0
1	Ben	2	2	100.0
4	Kevin	11	10	90.9
5	Vic	11	9	81.8
6	Lee	9	6	66.7
7	John Y	8	5	62.5
8	Neil	9	5	55.6
8	John S	9	5	55.6

So that’s the averages at the halfway stage, based purely on frames won. Brad is all your Tara…or is he? It’s a well known fact that you can’t be top of the averages based purely on playing and winning six frames. Also, you have to take into account the opposition – playing in fourth place every week you’re more likely to get pub drunk who’s been roped into playing because you’re opponents are a man down.

There are a number of competing calculations we could use to reveal the true ranking table, and they each have their merits. Here at Racks Pack towers, we choose to us the Southam/Walls exponential weighted method of calculation. It’s a bit complicated, and we would explain it to you, but it’s very long winded and frankly you’d need more computing power than Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair to work it out. For your viewing pleasure, here are the results of the calculation:

RANKING	Player	Win %	Attendance %	Total
1	Kevin	90.9	100.0	191
2	Vic	81.8	100.0	182
3	Lee	66.7	100.0	167
3	Keith	100.0	66.7	167
5	John S	55.6	100.0	156
5	Neil	55.6	100.0	156
7	Brad	100.0	50.0	150
8	John Y	62.5	83.3	146
9	Ben	100.0	16.7	117

Feel free to drop Mr Slugger a line any time to his personal email address flirtybigwidthtackle@hotmail.com.

In fact Tara’s email gives us an excellent opportunity to bring in the ‘Casanova of the green baize’ and let him make a contribution to the blog. As his attendance at matches is now better than mine we thought it was only fair to give him a forum to pass on some of his legendary knowledge of all things female. We sifted through the mail bag to seek those needing advice, and asked the big-man to lend us his ear. For all our lady admirers, we present a new section to Rackspack.blogspot.com – Dear Bradley…

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Dear Bradley…

I have a dilemma. I have been seeing a woman for sometime now and it’s been great, but a few weeks ago I was at a works do and met another younger girl. After a few drinks I found myself strangely attracted to her and one thing led to another blah blah blah – you know how it is. Now I have two women in my life and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to keep both of them happy. I’m trying to share my time between the two but its very tricky, what should I do?

Crispin Dry, Cookham

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The Bear writes:

I sympathise with your plight Crispin, and my answer is a simple one - get another one. Two’s company, three’s an adventure.

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Dear Bradley…

I was supposed to be playing in a football tournament with my mates which was held at a leading seaside resort. But I had promised to meet up with this women I met on holiday on the same weekend. I am considering driving 150 miles to the tournament, playing, then making an excuse that I have to get back for work and driving 300 miles to the other side of the country to catch up with her for a bit of jiggy jiggy D.T. action. Am I mad? Have you ever done something like this? What if my team mates find out?

Hedley Throbinson – Beaconsfield

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The Bear writes:

Can I plead the fifth? Next question please…

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Dear Bradley…

With all the modern wonders of technology, do you think breaking up using text messaging or emails rather than calling the person direct is proper etiquette.

Russell Hobbs – popping up somewhere.

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The Bear writes:

Excellent question, etiquette is my speciality. I see nothing wrong with dumping your squeeze via text. With most service providers offering 400 free texts every month it’s possible to almost constantly rotate your social life at minimal cost. A word of warning though, don’t take your phone out with you when you are out drinking with the gang or you might end up texting the wrong message to the wrong person. Leave the mobile at home before heading out for 3 litres of vodka and red bull.

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Dear Bradley…

You should have seen this munter I ended up with last week, she was huge. I went back to her place right, she strips off and reveals herself in a g-string that was so tight that when she bent over I thought she was gonna slice herself in two. When I was on the job it was like waving a straw at the channel tunnel.

When the deed was done she went to the bathroom and when I glanced up from the sheets the back end of her looked like two sea-lions trying to mate. She was so large, the only thing she fit was her own description.

Any chance you could wing-man for me sometime and help stop me making such bad choices?

Jeddie Parker – Chesham

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The Bear writes:

Jeddie, we’ve all been there – literally. She turned up at Yarmouth last time and went through the men of the site like a dose of the clap. No problem though, wherever there are women in need of love and affection that’s where you will find the caring, sharing Bear.

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K&K - Thanks very much there to the Bear for those words of wisdom. I’m sure we all can take something from that session.

Keep your browsers on rackspack.blogspot.com for the report on this weeks match versus Farmers Rats, including news of the most unexpected double-doughnut of the season so far…

Match Report - Away versus Earls Angels

After spending almost a month tirelessly scouring Moscow for undiscovered (pool) talent, it was great to find myself back in the familiar surroundings of Racks Pack Towers. In my absence the guys had managed to put themselves top of the section, as good as booking our place in the knockout stages at the same time, and pulled off a miraculous recovery at the Thatched. Perhaps the greatest achievement was that ‘the Slugger’ had single-handedly managed to keep the blog going so I was able to keep up with events from behind the Iron Curtain.

It’s a tough life this blog business. It may read like a pile of dribble that gets knocked-up in about 5 minutes but that isn’t the case. It takes work to produce this quality of dribble every week.

Firstly you have to try and make 12 frames of pool sound exciting every single week, and that’s not easy when at least four of those frames belong to Coach Shiel, ‘Grinder’ Greenwood and JY. Robert Uzzell has got more flair in his trousers then these three put together!

Secondly you have to try and remember who played who (if you weren’t clever enough to write it down, and most of the time we aren’t).

Finally do you seriously want to watch 12 frames of pool every Monday? Of course not. You want to have a beer, chat with a few people, play a few frames yourself and lose some money in the fruit machine!

So Monday night comes around again, and having missed a few games I spent the first few frames catching up with the rest of ‘the pack’. In truth it only took me about 15 minutes to get up to speed with most of them - the other 45 minutes was taken up getting the full sp on Brads love life. They say a week is a long time in politics – that’s nothing compared to three weeks in ‘the bears’ social life. Apparently big boobs are out this autumn. The beeping SMS messages were raining in to ‘The Beaconsfield Casanova’ so fast we might as well have been having the conversation in Morse code.

On the pool side (a whole lot less interesting frankly, but it is why we’re here) Coach Shiel had sensibly dropped himself following four straight losses. It had become so bad that other teams were starting to spell his name on the result cards with an extra L on the end just to save time. I was restored to the starting line up in his place, presumably because he was hoping I would lose and he could take the piss. Ben didn’t show yet again and is rapidly turning himself into the new Brad, whilst Brad did turn up and is rapidly turning himself into the new Mr Reliable.

After some early season chopping and changing, it’s become a regular and predictable occurrence that Slugger leads off for the Racks pack, and this week was no different. Up against Ashley Dingley he always felt confident, especially after Lisa, the Earls Angels Captain, had won the toss and asked him Ashley if he wanted to break. The reply came back “yes, at least I’ll get a shot”. 0-1

Brad followed this with a routine win over Anthony Coombes that included at least one entry for pointless shot of the week (0-2) and Vic & myself quickly made it 0-4, Vic beating everyone’s favourite pool girl Claire Dormer after the Dormouse went in off. Lee then continued where he left off last week, losing to Tyler Coombes in a result that will surely be repeated again and again if Tyler continues his development and Lee’s continues his indifferent form, A nice finish from Tyler and it was 1-4.

Last but not least “Magic” decided that 1-4 was not exciting enough for the home crowd and lost to Blue Tatham. Displaying flawless local table knowledge he left himself a long yellow down the rail that dambustered its way along the cushion and into the top right corner with the black at his mercy. 2-4

In the second half Brad decided that only having one entry into the pointless shot of the week competition was not enough to stack the odds heavily enough in his favour, and added at least two more in his defeat of Lisa Floyd. 2-5

Last week JY had given us all a lesson in how to use the rest, and this week continued his educational tour demonstrating “how to use two shots on the black”. In fairness to him, when he’s down on the black and about to seal the game the last thing he needed was Lee Greenwood yelling at him “Don’t let him use the rest HAHAHAHA” as he cued up a sitter 8 ball. I didn’t think it was possible to miss a six inch pot by four inches, and I don’t think Lee did either, but there you go - he cannoned it wide of the pocket but still left himself straight on it with his second visit against Baron. 2-6

The rest of us managed to clinch our double double-u’s on the night, and even Coach Shiel managed to sneak himself into a 12th frame victory over Anthony Coombs and end that four game losing streak.

Anthony gave Lee and I a lift home so a big thank you going out to him.

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While I was away I bumped into Laura Average’s cousin Helena in a bar. Contrary to some hideous slander that appeared on the blog last week, she was a complete lady. I agreed to show her how to properly handle some equipment that I was holding. It was bigger than she was use too but she got to grips with it in the end.

It got me thinking that perhaps we should use this blog in a more educational way and for the benefit of the pool community. On Monday Anthony Coombes was after some DVDs that would be educational to his son. Luckily he asked me, as no doubt Brad would have suggested the r-rated version of “three into two does go”, and goodness only knows what filth Lee would have suggested. Unfortunately I wasn’t aware of anything any.

Tyler is an excellent young player and perhaps most importantly seems to have a spot on attitude for his age. Personally I think this is absolutely key to him becoming a great player in the future. Anyway I couldn’t think of anything to help him off the top of my head so I asked the team on Monday to help out and John Young kindly volunteered this piece based on his frame at the Thatched Cottage last week.

Ow ta use the rest by John Young

“Sumtimes ya play a shot rite, and the fooking b@sted white rolls too far up the fooking table. That’s wen ya hav to get the fishing tackle oot. Get Brad or sum other ugly koont to put the thing on the table rite, cos yous don’t wanna do it yourself and maybe drop it like.

Get ya cue rite, and put the pointy end on the bit with the cross and carefully move the b@stad in ta position. Tek a few practice swings cos yous have to have the line rite and then deliver the b@sted in a smooth motion.

Then rite, yous need to pull the rest up fookin sharpish, making sure that you hit the black with it and smack it across the table givin’ away too shots like. Actually, don’t fookin do that otherwise sum other ugly koont will win the frame. Goan Racks ya talented b@steds!”

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Thanks for that insightful explanation JY - There’s something for us all to learn there. Next week, Wonder Walls will explain the benefits of having a pointless drag shot in your locker – is it the most useless shot in pool? Keep your browsers on Rackspack.blogspot.com to find out.

Week 7 - Results & Tables

Apologies to all, but with the sheer number of byes and missed games this season I have been misnaming the results. To the sharp eyed among you that noticed (i.e. no-one) the most recent set of published results should have been called week six not week five. Anyway here are the results for the week just gone:

Week 7 Results
1st September 2008

Thatched Cottage 6 Racks Pack 6
Unlikely Lads 10 Farmers Rats 2
Golden Cross [bye]
Earls Angels [bye]

Table
played (won) points

Racks Pack 5 (4) 13
Thatched Cottage 5 (4) 13
Likely Lads 5 (2) 6
Golden Cross 5 (2) 6
Earls Angels 5 (1) 3
Farmers Rats 5 (1) 3

Commentary:
After last weeks games, including what is surely the greatest comeback since Take That reformed, we're tied top of the table with Thatched Cottage. However our frame difference is superior to the thatchers (having lost five games fewer) thus we are top.

Further down the table it's one-from-four competing for the ignominy of "nearly second place", with the Likely Lads in pole position having, as they do, an eleven frame advantage in the frames-for column over their nearest rivals.

As we're now halfway through the season, this week sees the start of the reverse fixtures from the first half of the season - which means that the Earls Angels will be looking to avenge the 11-1 defeat dished out to them on the first night of the season, as will the Golden Cross and Farmers Rats (losing to Rackspack, The Likely Lads & Thatched Cottage 11-1, 10-2 and 9-3 respectively).

We'll be dipping into the mailbag this week, so don't forget to send your news, views, reviews to rackspack@hotmail.co.uk. We've already got a full bag this week (as has John Young after an unfortunate incident with his draining tube, however that's another story) but we're always looking for more contributors, so after tonight's games if you feel hard done by, or hard up, or just hard, then do email us your story. Actually if either of the last two apply, then we don't want to know but thanks for reading anyway.


K&K.

Match Report - Away versus Thatched Cottage

“Oh What A Night!

Late past midnight in the Thatched were we,

What a very special game to see,

What a late night Monday night!”

Cueists – what an amazing night Monday. Regular readers will know we were both ahead and behind before staging a remarkable comeback. That’s the summary – but as usual it’s only half the story…

Match report
by your reporter Kevin "Slugger" Southam

Having beaten The Unlikely Lads the previous week – the 7-5 scoreline flattering the lads – we knew that our Monday away match at the Thatched Cottage was the single hardest game left between now and the end of the season, and not only for the quality of the opposition.

Anyone who has played at the Thatched will know that it is - how can one put this – not ideally set-up for competitive pool having, as it does, a wall too close to one side of the table, and a pillar just above the middle pocket on the other. Despite (or perhaps because) of this, and due in no small part to the quality of player at the Thatched, matches here tend to last quite late and tend to be quite close.

Having played first and lost last week I wasn’t confident about retaining my place. Once I started running late at work (literally – I went to the gym) and I knew I wouldn’t get there until near dead-on 8PM I thought I was on the drop-tip for sure.

So 7:56PM and I’m doing a Steve Carmichael - 87MPH down the A404 and she wanted more - and I arrived just after the nick of time at 8:01PM. Surely it was time to grab some pine? NO! Three things counted in my favour – firstly, no-one else from my team had arrived yet so none of them knew I was “late”. Secondly, I know for a fact that Coach Shiel reads the blog and he knows he would get a right royal slagging off if he dropped me. Thirdly, and perhaps most crucially, Brad had text coach Shiel earlier in the day to say he couldn’t make and thus we only had six players.

And so it was that shortly after eight I was joined by Vic “no nickname” Summers, Coach Shiel, Lee “Grinder” Greenwood”, Neil “105.4” Cameron and, finally, the man with more expletives than an unrated Roy Chubby Brown DVD, John “****” Young.

It was time to settle down and get the first game underway – your truly Slugger Southam versus the man who needs no introduction but will get one anyway James Harness. And what a game it was – incredible potting, advanced tactical decisions, intense drama – this game had none of those things. What it did have was a cagey opening, followed by a super shot by James that opened the pack and exposed what should have been a dot-to-dot finish for a man of James’ calibre. Inexplicably he missed the easiest pot of the game into the middle bag and it was down to me to try an contain him long enough to fashion my own chances. I knew how tight the pockets were, and I used this to my advantage as I left James a tempter at the finish that required him to pot a ball down the cushion and hit it hard to get on his last ball. In the end he was tempted, missed and I had earned myself a shot at the game, which I duly took. 0-1

To paraphrase Wonder Walls, from then on it was Thatched Cottage alllll the way as the excellent start I had given us went to waste. Coach Shiel was up next and lost a tight one (1-1). Lee “G” G followed against Carl, and it appeared to all the world that neither of them wanted to win. They both had plenty of chances and in the end it fell to lee to garner two shots on the black. With the wise words of his Dad ringing in his ears (“Always use the two”) Lee attempted to set the black up with the first and pot it with the second. Great thinking, if only the execution had lived up to the conception. After his first shot he left the black harder than it should have been, and he promptly missed giving Carl a dolly black. 2-1

With Vic and Neil C up next I was confident that we would get back on track, but it was more of the same as we were railed-roaded into a 4-1 deficit. We had chances in both frames, both players suffering with some unusual bounces off the cushions, but by the start of frame six we were 4-1 down and needed JY to show us that last weeks “rest” had done him good. It looked good for us as Stevie Adams went in off giving JY two shots, ball in hand and a finish on. It looked even better as he got down to his last red with one shot left but he left himself too straight, and had to hit it hard to get on the black…and missed it in the tight corner pocket and Steve made him pay. 5-1 and we were being absolutely hammered.

Second half, and we needed a message from the captain. We needed some inspiration. It came in the form of a very short conversation between John Young, John Shiel and myself.

“John, I was thinking about putting you straight back on” said Coach Shiel

“John, will you win?” I asked.

“Yes I will. I want to play again straight away”.

That was it right there. That’s what we needed – Yes I will win. I want to play again straight away. It was the inspiration I was looking for, and from then on I knew we had a fighting chance. Cynics will say he wanted to play first so he could do his usual trick of getting home and through his front door before frame eight has started. Perhaps he wanted to avoid refereeing in the second half. No, I could see he wanted to stay and play. I could see it in his eyes, that steely determination, and I could hear it in his belly – the food hadn’t arrived yet and he was starving.

Whatever the reason he played a superb game against Steve Adams and gave us the start we needed. I turned to congratulate him but like the Scarlet Pimpernel, he had faded into the night. No matter, his job was done. 2-5.

John Shiel up next against John Molley, and this frame gave James Harness and myself the chance to scream “Come on John!” at ever shot. At the frames dénouement John M was left with an impossible double – it was too straight and surely there was no way he could avoid the double kiss? In the end he didn’t as he hit the shot hard, the red double-kissed the white, hit the cushion and doubled back into the other middle bag and leave him perfect on his last three reds. Home advantage has stalled our progress and had left a happy John and a bitter John. 6-2

Frame nine and I was up again. At 6-2 down there was no room for error – we had to win them all. I knew Lee would beat Carl and that Vic would beat Rob Uzzell in the next two frames, so I if I could beat Lol it would all be on Magic versus Dog in the last frame. It didn’t start well, I was budg. Lol gave me two and I ended up with a touching ball against my own ball and nothing else on. That’s when the luck changed. I played a hit and hope – I hold my hand up to that. All I was trying to do was disturb a few of his balls to make his finish harder. What I did do was send the white round the table, off two of my balls, back off the side cushion and it hit another of my balls, knocking it over a pocket around which two of Lol’s balls had gathered. Perfect. Lucky but perfect. After that it was anyone’s game. He covered a bag, I covered the black. He covered my balls, I cleared them away again. It was an engrossing tactical battle but I felt I was on top. I knew the shot I had to play I just needed the right time…and when the chance came I potted one of Lol’s balls leaving him with two balls over a pocket that my red was holding, and the black in a similar situation. Four visits later it was over 6-3.

Lee took his revenge on Carl Whose-surname-I-can’t-remember (6-4) and when Vic played Rob he was on top all the way, eventually extracting a foul snooker. One fantastic shot later (potting one of Rob's balls and opening his own balls up) and the game was at his mercy and the momentum was with Rackspack. 6-5.

It was all on Neil, and it turned out to be one of the longest games I’ve ever seen. Neil went for the finish early on but missed, leaving himself one red left. After that all he could do was hang on, and that’s not easy to do when your opponent has six balls and you have one. Neil was playing superbly well, covering balls, leaving the white in a difficult position, leaving Dog snookered – at no point did he leave Dog any kind of finish. I knew he would eventually get a chance, maybe only one, and I told him so. Eventually he managed to work his ball into the open and not leave Dog an easy finish.

Vic was pleading with his sister to take him home. John Shiel was shouting encouragement through the front window of the pub from the outdoor smoking area. James Harness and Rob Uzzell were blaming each other for the foul smells emanating from their corner of the pub. It was that kind of frame.

After not potting a ball for an hour, and with Vic physically with us but spiritually having left the building some time earlier, Neil worked his chance. He sank a fantastic red, but left a very difficult black into a blind pocket – rattle! After over an hour of pool, and at 1AM it came down to whether or not Dog could take out the difficult finish with the black hanging over the bag. He potted his first and with an ill-fitting sense of anticlimax went in off the top pocket leaving Neil two on the black that he didn’t need. 6-6.

Amazing stuff. A fantastic comeback and I was knackered. Coach Shiel had got himself so worked up over our potential comeback that when it came, he was relieved – metaphorically and, I dare say, literally.

I got home at 1:30AM and had to have a beer.

------------------------------
Something to look forward to cueists - Wonder Walls is back next week with his unique brand of wit and pool, so if you have anything to let him know about, email us at rackspack@hotmail.co.uk and we'll open up the mailbox next week.

Dear Racks Pack...

As news of the Rackspack exploits spreads across the globe, we have begun receiving offers of trials from the team. As a result ex-coach "Wonder" Walls has been sent to RUSSIA on a three week scouting mission, seeking out the best and hottest talent the nation has to offer, and recruiting them for Rackspack.

If the highlight of this week mailbox is anything to go by, "talent recruitment" barely covers it...

-------------------------------
Dear Racks Pack,

It's me again - Laura Averages!

Hey guess what , my cousin - Helena Hankart - has just called to say she met ex-coach Walls in a bar in Moscow last night - how weird is that?! She saw him sitting by himself and recognised him from the website. She's always had a thing for him so she went over and sat next to him.

"Hi" said Helena

"How you doin" said the ex-captain.

She took his hand and put it on her thigh. "So does that make you feel good ?" she asked.

"Yes" he said.

"I bet you have never felt as good as you do at this moment ?"

"Well," said the Wonder "actually I have. A few years ago my pool team made the final of this huge event. It was in front of 3000 people and my heart was racing before the start of it".

Helena was not happy with this answer, so she took his hand and started to run it up under her blouse and across her breasts. "How do you feel now" she asked.

"Pretty good" replied Wonder Walls.

"Have you ever felt a thrill like this? I bet you have never experienced a thrill as intense as right now" she said.

"Well," said the Wonder "in that same final I played the sudden death frame for the championship. I was snookered on my last ball, so I came off three cushions and potted it , sent the white round the table leaving me perfect on the black. With everyone cheering and my team mates going crazy it was one of the greatest thrills of my life" he reminisced.

Helena was getting quite angry at this point and grabbed his hand , shoved it up her skirt.

"OK THEN TELL ME THIS, HAVE YOU EVER FELT SUCH A FANNY??"

"Yeah" said Keith "I went in off in the middle bag".

What's with this guy?!?

Helena was so upset and all he kept going on about was pool! He kept asking her about who the local pool players were and going on and on about where he should go to watch the local talent...in the end he drilled her all night long. Such a disappointment for a girl. Still, when you come over to Sweden you are more than welcome to pump me and my sister for as much information as you like.

Yours in pool,
Laura Averages, Sweden
-------------------------------

Thanks for getting in touch Laura. It's fair to say that when it comes to talent Keith certainly has a one track mind. Still when he gets back I shall thoroughly debrief him in Smokey Joe's.

Outstanding result!

Cueists!

An amazing game last night! Not fast & frenetic, more slow and calculating - but nerve tingling and as dramatic as they come!

We were 1-0 up then 5-1 down...but we made a staggering comeback and ended the match at 1AM all square at 6-6.

The game had everything - great tactical duels, superb finishes, and bowel ripping flatulence. Amazing stuff and drama all the way.

Keep your browsers on rackspack.blogspot.com for a full match report later in the week.


K&K

Week 5 - Results & Tables

Week 5 Results
25th August 2008

Racks Pack 7 Likely Lads 5
Earls Angels 2 Thatched Cottage 10
Golden Cross [bye]
Farmers Rats [bye]

Table
played (won) points

Racks Pack 4 (4) 12
Thatched Cottage 4 (4) 12
Golden Cross 5 (2) 6
Likely Lads 4 (1) 3
Earls Angels 5 (1) 3
Farmers Rats 4 (1) 3

The table is starting to look good for Rackspack - we're on top! Barring Committee Chairman Dingley's threat to ban us from the league, the good result against his Likely lads looks set to have sealed our place in one of the top two places of division one.

After tonight's games all teams will be level on five games played, being as we will be halfway through the season - all of which adds even more significance to our away game against Thatched Cottage tonight. Realistically only the Golden Cross can catch us and "Thatched" in either first or second place, so a win or a draw tonight and the Cross will need to win virtually all their second half games AND hope that others teams take points to have a chance of pipping either of us to second place.

The same goes for the newly monikered Unlikely Lads; A win tonight and they'll be on six points and needing a significant swing in form and results to make it into the knock-out stages.

Watch this space...