Match Report - Away Versus NMCC

The air around North Maidenhead Cricket club was crackling with anticipation Monday night. It was match day seven, and good beer, great food and, perhaps more importantly, the best table in the league awaited us - clean, no rolls, no bumps and nicely groomed. Into that arena walked the best team in the league - not very clean, a few too many bumps and rolls, and in dire need of a good wash and brush up. Tonight the Showboat Jackpot was a sitting duck so it was eyes down for a quack quack honk honk.

Match Report - NMCC v Rackspack

or “Looks like we're gonna need a bigger boat!"

I was running late. Stuck at work doing pointless rubbish and the clock was ticking. 7.45pm and I’m fobbing off customers and telling them not to worry about a thing until tomorrow. I had bigger fish to fry, ducks to quack and showboats to honk. I managed to get out just in time and race to the NMCC. We had the bare six again. Tizzy couldn’t make it and the door was left open for a triumphant return from Neil "Magic" Cameron from his Scottish hiatus.

At £16 the showboat was a roll-over, and with our position in the quarter finals guaranteed Coach Southam’s advanced tactical nous and strategic decision-making could be put aside for a week as six of Rackspack’s finest clamoured to find out who would have first crack at it.

Fresh from releasing the averages tables that saw him top yet again despite having won less games than two other members of the team, Coach had spent the week devising a fair and unbiased system for deciding the team order for the first half, and revealed all just before the match:

Coach Southam: “Right, I have six names on this piece of paper, somebody shout out a number between one and six, and the person in that position on my piece of paper plays first.”

JY: “Five”

Coach Southam: “That’s me”.

It was straight our of the Robert Uzzell school of draws, but Coach Southam rules with an iron hand inside that silk glove, and the murmurs of dissent barely strayed beyond the personally offensive:

Brad Robinson: “You ‘orrible man”

Jim "Pretty Boy" Floyd was up first for NMCC, and with Coach Southam fearing the likes of Wonder Walls and Bradley Bear would likely get a clearance in later in the first half, not to mention John “Watch how many clearances I do this season” Shiel, he set off for a fast start. However with the break Jimmy quickly got the upper hand, and once the chance of the showboat had gone his heart clearly wasn’t in it. The frame quickly descended into a missing contest that Kevin won. 0-1 to NMCC.

The great great grandfather of Thames Valley Pool, Maurice "Tingley" Dingley was up next against John “Hokey Cokey” Shiel. After actually winning a game last week the Krispy Kreme sponsorship deal was in the balance, and it would take some top class screwing up to clinch a double doughnut this week. But Thames Valley Pool history is littered with sorry souls who underestimated the sheer lack of ability that Hokey Cokey brings to the table. It looked over when Maurice was on his last ball but a miss let John back in. He floundered and managed to snooker himself on the last ball. Confidently he eyed up coming off the cushion and not only hitting the red, but doubled it into the corner. He even pointed it out to us what he was aiming for "just in case it goes in and you think it was lucky"....

INTERLUDE - you know when you were a youngster at school and there was a kid in the maths class who was a bit slow. Little Jimmy was his name. He wouldn’t answer any questions at all, but every now and then the teacher would ask something like” what’s five times five” and their arm would shoot up in the air. They would be straining every sinew of their body to attract the teachers attention…

"ME MISS, ASK ME MISS, ASK MEEEE!"

and she would say "yes, what’s the answer". This was their moment to impress, everyone in the class is staring at them, waiting, hoping, praying to see the kid get it right just once.

"Miss, is it thirty-seven?"

.......that’s what its like these days watching Johns frames.

Eyeing up the speculative double, he spammed the white off the cushion, it collided with the red which then potted Maurice’s yellow into the corner. It’s two shots Maurice and shortly afterwards, 2-0 to NMCC.



Once again 2-0 down and once again the Wonder comes to the table with the scent of Showboat in his nostrils. This boy is like a bitch on heat, yet for the fourth time this season he cleared up to the black and despite four pointless attempts at moving it he couldn’t get it out and had no shot for the money. Showing exactly why the Showboat is not helping our frames tally, he took a run up from the car park, gave it the full "Larry Launch" and smashed his opponents yellow in via the black. Luckily Craig Brand couldn’t take advantage with the two shots and the Wonder pulled one back. 1-2

Frame four, and up stepped the Bear. I remember the days when at 2-1 down we were all glad to see Brad take to the table. With the Showboat challenge in full effect it’s now akin to waiting at the dentists for root canal work. We took our seats fearing the worst, and when he sunk a fantastic yellow for openers it was all on. Pot after pot, it looked there for the taking. A superb pot on the next yellow went unrewarded as he snookered himself on the last two yellows and despite a great escape the yellow rattled and much to our relief the opportunity was gone. Cliff Hulse had a glimmer of a chance to put NMCC 3-1 up…but didn’t take it. 2-2

David Dawson faced JY in the next and JY played and looked a million dollars. However they turned out to be Zimbabwean dollars and before we knew it we were 3-2 down.

Up to plate stepped Scotland’s finest, ‘Magic’ Cameron. The break was thunderous, that’s for certain. The colour selection was, well, less certain and probably dubious. However there was no mistaking the total budge of the first shot as the yellow he tried to pot started out 10 inches from the pocket but missed by it by 12. The three weeks on the sauce had done him no good at all, but he recovered to beat Ray Dawson and levelled up the match. 3-3.

Half time and the Showboat was over the £20 mark. The confidence with which we had stated how the showboat was definitely going this week looked misplaced. We had missed a few chances but Justina the Showboat Piggy bank was still had our money in her and the jackpot was growing.

There was a redraw the positions for the back half. Using all the experience he gained working for Alan Stanford and Harry Redknapp, Coach Southam set up the second half draw, and JY got first crack. Coach got second.

JY saved himself from the dreaded double with a win over Pretty Boy Floyd and then Coach was up. The break was perfect, every ball hanging over the pockets – it was on! Our only hope was some sort of blunder or horrendous kick might put him off. It came down to the last two reds, could he drop one in and not snooker himself on the last? There was a foot of space to land the white in…the pot went in, but what was the postion like? Perfect. A straight black to the middle soon followed and the cry went up…

HONNNNNNNNKK !!!!!!!!

Showboat number 2 banked at £25. Kerching!



During the celebrations, Krispy Kreme rang and asked us when could we give them full copyrights to their new doughy sensation – The Hokey Cokey doughnut. We told them about five minutes. Cliff Hulse put the cherry glaze on top as HC recorded yet another one for the season and brought his run to 5 losses in 6.


Nasa scientists await the news of the first clearance of John's career.

The Rackspack image library has run out of double doughnut and double bagel pics so here, courtesy of Krispy Kreme, is a summary picture of John’s progress this season:



What followed was one of the most shocking events this season. The Bear walked up, broke and was staring another dish of the day in the face. But with the Showboat had been won, the princely sum total of £2 was up for grabs and £1 of that was his! And then it happened, quietly at first...

“Come on the Bradley”

That’s right cueists - suddenly we were right behind him!!

“GO ON THE BRADLEY BEAR!”

Cheers greeted every pot, warm applause every precise positional shot. He grimaced and scowled around the table, nonchalantly knocking in all seven balls and the black. Hoorahs broke out at the Rackspack table as we all shook his hand to celebrate the £2 he had copped. For nicking the shopboat pot our hatred of Coach turned to love – none us would have been able to stomach the Bear winning another £27 to add to his spoils from 3 weeks ago.

In all the confusion it was easy to forget that the match was still in the balance at 6-4 and when Magic lost to Dave Dawson it was all on the Wonder to clinch us the win. A perfect break and another clearance was there for all to see. There were no problem balls, position was easy, the first pot flew in…

“Foul – you didn’t nominate”

Doh!

If Brad is the most hated man in pool then Wonder Walls is the luckiest, as frankly no one is having a luckier run in the Rackspack team at the moment than the Wonder. Every week some poor schmuck throws away a glorious opportunity of listening to Keith whine about how the table is off, the tip is to spongy, etc as they chuck away winning chances. Sure enough this week was no different, as Ray Dawson somehow failed to clear with two shots and we nicked the match 7-5.

So another week gone. The second showboat to Kev, a third one to Brad and only two matches before the knockout stages.

Honk Honk!

Match Report - Home versus WWSC

It’s the halfway stage of the league, and we’re in fine fettle. We’ve managed to get six players every week, won 36 of our 48 frames, and the Showboat was the hundreds and thousands on top of the Rackspack fairy cake. With other teams now taking an interest in the Showboat it’s only a matter of time before we get stuffed trying to go for impossible finishes only to be picked off by wily opponents. Such a possibility was within reach of White Waltham Social Club who arrived at the Bear on Monday eager to avenge the 10-2 defeat from the opening fixture.

HOME TO WWSC (or THE LURE OF THE LUCRE!!)

Having endured a 10 hour drive back from Scotland Neil was missing was this fixture, and thus we broke new ground for Rackspack by actually fielding the same 6 two weeks in a row. We have been running a Rafa Benitez-style rotation system for 3 years and this was the first time I could remember us putting out the same side for two straight matches. Of course this meant good news for us as ‘Tiz’ was turning out for another bash, but it also meant two guaranteed frames for Hokey Cokey who was coming off the back off last weeks double bagel. Brad (the MHMIP) had shown up with a lovely tan probably courtesy of last weeks Showboat money, although he reckoned it was from sitting in the car parked up outside some shopping centre. Frankly neither reason was too appealing.

With Coach Southam running late it was survival of the fittest as to who would grab the team sheet and give themselves first crack at the showboat. Wonder Walls was quickest, and just managed to scrabble his name down in number one spot before Coach turned up and took over team selection

So first up aiming to take down the Showboat Jackpot of a mere £5 (thanks to the MHMIP), was the Wonder. Massive in the Maidenhead league with 8 from 8 wins and devastating in the Slough league with 10 out of 10 and 3 clearances to boot, it was surely a matter of time before he notched another to his tally. Michael Rapley broke and left nothing on - to ironic cheers from the Rackspack and a few “go on the Wonder” sniggers thrown in for good measure. Undaunted by the heckling, he picked off two reds, then three, split another, then a fourth and suddenly once the three ball plant was executed to perfection the ‘impossible dream’ was on!

Left with a long red to the top corner, and the white only 2 inches away, he cued it beautifully to pot the red and screw back into his last remaining colour. It left a razor thin snick to the bottom right but the angle meant he could free the black as well. The pot was sublime, the black was knocked free and the white had come to a halt in the middle of the table - it was all about where the black landed. While he was standing back admiring his work (and no doubt practicing his Showboat “HONK”) the black had careered across the table and was rolling towards the middle pocket. All it had to do was slow down a bit and stop and it was a tap in for the money…but it kept rolling…and rolling…and rolling. Like a Tiger Woods putt it just went on and on before plopping deadweight into the pocket losing him the frame. Robbed of the clearance of the season, The Wonder saw the last remaining unbeaten record of the summer gone as well. 1-0 to WWSC.

The lure of the prize had proved too much for The Wonder and he paid the ultimate price.

Up next was Bradley Bear against Wayne Parr. The Wonder was still in shock and if Brad had dished up it might have pushed him over the edge. St John’s ambulance were on standby but a scrappy frame ensued and they weren’t needed. Wayne missed 3 shots at the black to win it before the Bear levelled it up at 1-1. A huge chance for WWSC had gone begging.

Hokey Cokey was out to redeem his reputation after last weeks Double Bagel. Graham Henwood however was not a man to worry about reputations and was soon in command. When HC missed a straight yellow it was a tap in for Graham to win the frame. But somehow he fluffed it from an inch away from the middle pocket - Hokey Cokey was back in! But he then blundered his last yellow again and he was out of it. Graham, who obviously was enjoying watching HCs antics, inexplicably missed another go at the black and Hokey Cokey was back in to shake it all about once more. However he rattled the yellow for a third time and put it on the cushion. The groans from both sides got louder as Graham had another effort that ended up on the side rail. We were starting to get dizzy from trying to figure out whether HC was in, out, shaking it about or just plain taking the piss. He had only drank 2 bottles of Bulmers but had somehow converted it into a performance of a man who’d had 12.

All that was left was for someone to finish it off in a way that was totally in keeping with how bad the frame had been – and John was the man for the occasion. Doubling the last yellow off the top cushion it travelled 3/4 quarters of the way down the table, hitting Grahams black and potting it down the rail to put us 2-1 down. The worst frame in the history of pool bar none.

Coach Southam came in, and could relax into his game knowing that there was no way he could play a worse frame than what we had just witnessed. He had the nights first good chance of the show boat, but had to carefully navigate around a congested bottom end of the table. When, after a difficult cut, the white sat against his opponents red it left him partially snookered. The showboat jackpot was safe, and for the fourth time this season Kevin had put in the steady shift that we needed to get us back into the match and it was 2-2.

Having got within a coat of paint of taking last weeks Showboat JY had another chance. Geoff Heath had broke, potted a couple, but left a pretty clear table if only John could find a starter. Ordinarily JY never has trouble getting a starter, it’s more the free salad cart that poses a problem, but he couldn’t get one here. The yellow rattled when the rest were all on and Geoff quickly made it 3-2 to WWSC.

Tiz is quickly gaining the moniker of Captain Drybreak. Three frames for Rackspack and for the third time he had the break but failed to pot anything. More annoying was that Andrew Gilmore missed on his first shot and Tiz took out the seven reds and the black. An 8 ball dish but luckily for the Wizard it was on his second visit and didn’t count. Brad looked happier than a dog with its head out of a car window.

3-3 and up stepped Brad against Michael Rapley. Rapley broke and we held our breath as the balls settled and the chance of the clearance was on, but it didn’t happen and Brad had to settle for the win and a 4-3 lead.

JY took the next for 5-3, saving himself from the dreaded double doughnut and the Wonder saved himself with a scrappy victory over Wayne. 6-3 up and having pulled clear it was time to relax.

Tiz took ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’ in some style. One red left, a yellow only an inch behind it, the normal thing to do would have been to clip the red and put the white on the cushion. Instead he fired the red off the edge of the yellow and it shot into the bottom right pocket while at the same time bringing the white round perfectly to land behind a straight black. A round of applause for the shot of the night.

Coach Southam went in and got yet another two wins and all eyes were now on the Hokey. After last weeks double loss and, after losing in the first half, the potential for another double doughnut this week it was clear to all that John had spent the week in negotiations with Krispy Kreme. To clinch the deal he needed to go 0 for 4 in two weeks. Never in the history Rackspack has anyone dialled up for the double bagel/double doughnut two week combo platter. There was also the small matter of £14 now in the Showboat as well so it was all to play for and let the barracking begin. Despite having taken more stick this summer season than a Blackpool donkey, John was never really in danger and rounded off a 9-3 win. The sponsorship deal will have to wait.



NASA scientists wait patiently for news of the huge number of clearances John is going to put in this season

Next week we’re playing away to NMCC and the best table in the area. There’s no way - no way - that the Showboat is going to last next weeks onslaught. With Neil back and possibly 7 players available we are forced to draw lots at the match to see what the running order will be as the money isn’t going to last the night!

Find out who clinches the money next week!

Geoff Collins

It was with some sadness that we learnt of the passing of Geoff Collins last week.

Most of us in Rackspack have been playing pool in the local leagues for 20 years now. With that much time under our belts it is inevitable that we are going to come across the same people over and over again. Geoff was one of those guys that we would bump into 4 or 5 times a year either on a Thursday night or during a singles or doubles competition when he played with his son Tim. He had represented Berkshire at the England over 50s trials and could be seen regulary turning up to play for teams like the Willow Tree in Langley , The Fox and Pheasant in Iver and more recently the Windsor Ex Servicemens club. Whenever any of us bumped into him he always had time for a chat , a handshake and a drink. He was a really pleasant man and one of those people that you enjoyed seeing and catching up with. When we had a drink last week and were talking about him everyones reaction was the same..

"He was such a nice guy"

Our best wishes go out to Tim and the rest of the family.

Match Report - Away versus The Pondhouse

Special message from former coach Walls

The past two weeks had been probably the most hectic of my existence! I got married in Germany one weekend and then had a party at the Irish Club the following Saturday. I had set new personal 'lows' or perhaps 'highs' by passing out in the toilets for an hour during my own celebration. Sometime between the band finishing and 12.30am I was fast asleep in the warm, moist environment of the gents. I was finally woken up by some loud knocking on the door and bounced back to carry on celebrating till 3 in the morning. Despite the pace of the party and gruelling rituals of the previous fortnight catching up on me I was not going to miss the most important night of the year so far. Come hell or high water I would be at the Pond House with a possible £30 Rackspack Showboat Jackpot up for grabs!

ALL ABOARD FOR THE POND HOUSE!!!

The last game if the first half of the season and we were due to be away to the Pond House, but a late phone call from Vinny explained that their table had a problem and so the match was switched to our home venue of The Bear. A change in team selection was needed as Neil was in Scotland and, despite my return to the bosom of the Rackspack, we were still a player short. Stepping manfully into the breach came Michael "Tizzy" Tizzard. Coach Southam had caught him off guard at the wedding party and convinced him to sign up to help us out. The lure of the Showboat proved enough of a worm to dangle in front of him and soon enough the fish was in the pan. Pens were put to paper, and with no more metaphors on the horizon the line up looked like this : 'Hokey Cokey' Shiel, Tiz, The Bear (at the Bear), Wonder Walls, Coach Southam and JY.

Our reputation for flair and quality had obviously preceded us, and in reaction The Pond House had added county A player Rob Sparks to their line up for the summer - we knew it wasn’t going to be easy. In addition it had become clear in the last few weeks that while the Showboat is in operation there’s always a chance that we could get caught out and lose frames chasing the 'green'.

What we needed was a little flair of our own. We already had Wonder, Tizzy and Bradley bear in the ranks but to take on and defeat County A quality flair we needed something special. The kind of man who does clearance for fun. Step forward John Hokey-Cokey Shiel.

Rob was up first against Hokey Cokey and after a good break off shot and a couple of pots Rob missed a ball down the rail to give HC the first crack at the money. But it wasn’t to be and Rob took the frame to give the Pond House the lead. Tiz broke in the next but could only dish-up and Johnny Dry-break. He was then forced to watch Tracey Harman take out 7 terrific balls only to miss a long black to the corner. A few shots later and Tizzy missed a red in the corner from a distance of about three inches, and her first miss became academic as Tracy knocked the black in to give the Pond House a 2-0 lead.

Mark Webb looked full of the joys of spring as he realised he was playing The Bear and his mood wasn’t improved as he broke and left the first real chance of the night for the Showboat. Even though we were 2-0 down and in need of the frame none of us wanted to see Brad take the money and he could feel the eyes in the back of his head and he proceeded to clear up. There was only one difficult ball - but it was enough and he broke down under the pressure of the difficult pot, and the fact we were all muttering under our breath and calling him names. Luckily for us Mark couldn’t take advantage and Brad pulled it back to 2-1 on his next visit. The Wonder had a dry break in the next but leveled the match when Mike Diaz opted for an attempted plant instead of taking the long straight yellow on which would have surely won the frame, 2-2.

Coach Southam put in another solid win against Ray Enderby to turn the match around and then it was JYs turn. After a monstrous break the Showboat looked set to sail....

JY stalked the table Like a tiger stalking a gazelle, or perhaps a cat stalking a mouse. There wasn’t a bad ball in sight. With the first 5 balls despatched and perfect on number 6 it was surely all over. But the pressure of the money coupled with the lack of support from his own team mates made him come out on the wrong side of the final ball and he was faced with a choice. Does he roll it in and go round the back of the two yellows and get on the black, or does he screw across from his last ball, into the yellows and hopefully hold for the easier black. JY played it safe and stroked the last one in but just didn’t hit it hard enough to leave an easy black to the centre. Instead with the white just off the bottom cushion and the black on its spot it was either the tricky cut to the middle or off straight length of the table pot to the top corner. Decisions decisions…

An eon passed as JY weighed up the options and finally went for the cut to the centre. A smooth stroke sent the black on its way as we rose from our seats to applaud him and to the victor the spoils...but NO! REJECTED! The black clips the first knuckle of the middle, then the second knuckle and sits over the pocket. Incredible - Brad and I were right behind the pot and it seemed to look perfect all the way. A collective sigh of relief from our corner was only shattered by the choicest of blue language from the Geordie boy in the other. James Graham then went in off, giving JY two shots on the easy black and he put us 4-2 up to sarcastic cheers and clapping from us about what an 'important' frame that was...













Failure!

4-2 at the break, but the important stat was that the money was now over £30 and all to play for. We now entered the usual routine of trying to bribe coach to play as high up in the order as possible to get the first shot at the cash. Tiz got the first crack in the second half and won the toss against Mike but yet another dry break meant that he didn’t get a chance. However he avoided a double doughnut on his Rackspack debut to put us 5-2 in front and almost out of sight.

The Bear went next and once again had to play the luckless Mark Webb. As if he was going halves with him Mark broke and left them perfect - and if there’s one person you don’t want to do that to, it’s the Most Hated Man In Pool.

If I had ran a book on who was going to get the cash I would have the MHMIP at the top of the list as heavy favourite. Not only is he is our best player but he is the sort of spawny git who was bound to have it handed to him on a plate. Neil was missing his first game in about 3 years of playing for us so you just knew it was going to go tonight when he wasn’t there. When Brad had arrived earlier saying that he only turned up because the jackpot was on a rollover there was a sense of inevitability about the destination of the first Show Boat Jackpot of the season. Sure enough, an absolute dot to dot finish was laid on for him and our only hope was he crumble under pressure, swine flu or our desperate attempts to put him off that would stop him. They all failed and 60 seconds later he was staring down a straight black. With one wave of the cue and a victory cry of " HONNNNNNNNNNNKK " the Showboat was won and he moved into second position just behind 'cold callers' as the most irritating person in Britain.















"Good afternoon, Im calling from the Halifax - did you know that our Brad Robinson Showboat Winner Commemorative Plaque is free when you purchase our house insurance?"

With the depressing sound of JY’s pound coin rattling alone in our piggy bank we trudged on while Brad was busy sending a text message to Neil which simply said "HONK HONK!". Again Tracy Harman played a great frame but was denied a double double-u on the night when JY nicked it. Coach repeated his first half success over Ray Enderby with possibly the finish of the night and the Wonder got away with murder when James missed a black over the bag to remain undefeated so far this season.

9-2 up and time for Hokey Cokey to get some revenge on Rob Sparks for his first half loss. Rob broke and after missing his last ball HC went for the clearance and a palty £4 from the new pot. He hit flair shot of the night smashing a red down the length of the cushion and screwing all the way back up the table to get on his last ball. But he rattled it in the jaws and Rob chalked up his second win on the night - both against HC - and despite no food being available because of the late switch of venue HC had still found time to dial up and order the dreaded double bagel! From shot of the night to worst performance of the night - these are the razor thin margins the Rackspack are dealing with.
















Hokey Cokey - began the night as JOHN SHIEL , then went to JOHN SHIEL L and finally to JOHN SHIEL L L

So , 9-3 and on we march to the second half of the season. We should have been run a lot closer from 2-0 down but got away with three frames after that which we never should have won to pull clear. One Showboat gone, £4 rolling to next week.

Next week we'll be dipping into the mailbox as Mr Bradley Robinson demands a rules clarification and Ben Kiely-Kiely, one of the famous Kiely brothers, demands we stop taking the p**s. One of these people will get what they want!

Match Report - Away Versus The Bear

Week 4, and the good ship rackspack sails on!

Last week was a bye week so no match for the pack. Coach Southam in the person of your truly decided that a hard core practice session in the pool and drinking dens of Maidenhead was not required - frankly this team was playing great and I didn't want them to peak too soon! So with strict instructions that match day three was to to be spent resting cue arms and thumbs, the rackspack split for a week.

This weeks match was a grudge match against "the team formerly known as the other racks team". Following the demise of Racks, TTFKATORT had severed all ties with the past and changed their name to "The Bear". Local bragging rights were at stake, and I needed my best team out to show these boys that it was our patch, and we were number one! The first blow to my plans for world domination was the absence of Mr Walls. To paraphrase The Spice Girls - the favourite girl group of The Wonder - one was to become two; That's right, the Wonder was getting married!

Special Match Report - Keith "Wonder" Walls versus Hannah "Derr Frau" Pieper

Three weeks almost to the day after Keith got down on one knee and whispered those four magic words that would tie them together for the rest of their lives - "you're not, are you?" - we were in Munster for the social event of the year, the marriage of walls and Pieper, The Wonder and Derr Frau, Keith & Hannah!

We had arrived in Munster, Germany Thursday afternoon. There are two things you need to know about Munster. First is that there are some 50,000 students, so it's a very young and vibrant city. Secondly there are more bikes than people. Students can't afford cars so they cycle everywhere.

On Thursday night our first attempt at drinking the town dry had gone well but ultimately failed, so Friday night the wedding party met up for a second attempt. We hired bikes and cycled to a pre-wedding dinner in the forests outside Munster. Four hours and three courses of Tomato soup, Steak and Apple Strudel later the inevitable consequence of cycling too the pre-wedding dinner came to pass - we had to cycle home! Forget flash in the pan trends like inflated tyres, shock absorbers and padded seats, these bikes were as harsh on my stomach as they were on my backside. Luckily there were enough beer stops on the way to break the journey up and we got back to our hotel in one piece.

Saturday was the big day, and the boy Walls was in remarkably good shape. We met in Jim's room at 11AM, where we got dressed, and then got Keith dressed, and once we had "splooshed up" we were ready to send this man down the aisle. Keith's dad met us in reception, and we set of on the short walk to the registry office. It was a boiling hot day and the students were out in force. Needless to say we were the only people in suits so we got a few strange looks as we wandered through town.

As best man my primary job was to get Keith there. Getting him there on time was a bonus, so arriving at the registry office an hour before the conjugals were due to start was a result and job done by me. Keith needed a whisky to settle the nerves, but the first pub we went to was closed. The next place didn't serve alcohol, and the third wouldn't serve us unless we ate as well. As we wandered around the only place we could find to give us a cold beer was a kebab shop, so in true Keith Walls style we we spent his last twenty minutes as a free man in a kebab shop wearing suits drinking beer.

Back to the registry office, and the ceremony went without a hitch. After the well dones, congratulations, and thank god that overs we all headed to a farmhouse to drink the night away in the company of pigs, ducks, ponies, goats and rats - and that was just the buffet.

Keith's speech was a highlight, being as it was in German! For a man who is never seen without an audience, he was a bag of nerves. When he finally stood up to make the speech he was shaking so much he could hardly get the whisky glass to his mouth! Nor the beer glass! Nor the wine glass! However once he got going, despite each sentence being punctuated by a gulp of whatever was in the glass his hand reached first, he was fantastic, and the effort was appreciated by everyone present. It was one of the best wedding speeches I've ever seen despite, or perhaps because, I didn't understand a word of it. We drank and talked and laughed for the rest of the night and, after spending Sunday recovering, I returned to the UK in time to lead the team out against The Bear.

MATCH REPORT - AWAY VERSUS THE BEAR

I mentioned at the beginning that Keith was away in Germany still, so from the six who had won so convincingly in weeks one and two, I was a man down. Lee "Grinder" Greenwood had returned from holiday but couldn't make it, so I had to bite the bullet and ask Craig Wilson to get us out of a hole. Craig is about as useful as a chocolate teapot in these situations and I didn't hold out much hope of him turning up after he ignored both my texts and my voicemails.

I turned up at The Bear expecting to have to tell the team we had to play with just five, but John Young was there and he told me he had managed to get hold of Craig and that he had promised him he would be there by 9PM. Great success! This saved having to ring round and scramble a team together. More importantly than that the Show Boat Jackpot was a roll-over from last week! With £12 in the pot I had five people all desperate to play first and get first crack at the money!

Being the great and magnanimous captain I am I resisted the temptation to put myself in first, and in the absence of Keith I needed equal if not greater flair. There was only one man who fit the bill, and that was John Shiel.

After informing us last week that we should "watch him go" and see how many clearances he would get this season he was obviously the man for the job. My only concern was that after locking them up in darkened room with the greatest super-computer they could build for us, the two NASA scientists we had recruited last week to predict how many clearances he would make this season had gone completely insane and were presently detained under the mental health act. They were last seen mumbling something about "zero point zero" and complaining that the computer was not working properly.

I had to take a chance that John wouldn't do any finishing this week, so in at number one he went and he didn't let me down. 137 visits later and Baron Staples was consigned the pile of players Hokey Cokey Shiel had battered into submission. 1-0.

John Young was up next against Tony Baxter, and it was all one way traffic as John showed us that all the practice he had been doing had not gone to waste. 2-0.

As you might expect from any match between Brad Robinson and Steve Cox it was over in a flash. The showboat challenge was only briefly threatened as brad broke and went for the impossible clearance. He didn't get it, and Steve came in and mopped up. If he had been on our team it would have been worth £15 to him. As it was all he got was Kudos for beating the most hated man in pool. 2-1.

I was on fourth and was in command against Bluey Tatham. In command that is until I botched my last ball. A series of missed pots by both players followed, and eventually I popped the black in the take the frame, if not great applause. 3-1.

Neil was untroubled by Steve Newell (4-1) and in sixth it was Craig's time to debut for the Pack. Except it wasn't. He hadn't turned up. My texts voicemails had gone unanswered, my texts unreplied. I put it to the team, and their feeling were best summarised by a man who shall remain nameless when he said (in a Scottish accent) "Right that's it now. He can f**k off". Well said, the name of Craig Wilson shall not darken our door again this season.

So 4-2 at the break was effectively 4-3 as I knew we had to concede another frame in the second half. Neil had played well in his frame and in practice, so he was up first. He may have been playing a Baron, but Neil truly was Lord of all he surveyed as he won his second of the night for 5-3. I played Steve Cox next and it was a similar story to the first frame, missing a crucial ball as I did. Steve was not as forgiving as Bluey and he got his double for the night. 5-4.

Brad against Tony next, and Tony had a wonderful chance to consign Brad to the double-doughnut hall of fame, but snatched at his final ball. 6-4 after Brad punished the error.

Despite the fact that we were moving through the frames like s**t through a goose, JY clearly had other things on his mind i.e going home to be with his Thai bride, and gave out quicker than a twenty dollar whore (6-5) so it was down to John Shiel to win the final frame of the evening, give us the win we deserved, and maintain our 100% record. With no clearances so far the show boat jackpot was up to £21. John was like a bitch on heat, raring to go - but with a crucial frame to win, the jackpot would have to wait. With John's declaration that he was "fed up playing for the team, I could have gone for it from the off" I knew that the jackpot and the result were both safe, and that we had another week to try and find a replacement for the two scientists. So it proved as John did was John does, and beat John Williamson - former barman of Racks - into submission in under sixty visits. 7-5 the final score, and with us able to welcome back both Grinder and The Wonder next week it's all looking good for the pack.

SHOW BOAT UPDATE

As stunning as it might seem with all this flair on display, the Show Boat Jackpot is a roll-over! £22 in next weeks kitty!

HONK!!!!