Match Report - NMCC v Rackspack
or “Looks like we're gonna need a bigger boat!"
or “Looks like we're gonna need a bigger boat!"
I was running late. Stuck at work doing pointless rubbish and the clock was ticking. 7.45pm and I’m fobbing off customers and telling them not to worry about a thing until tomorrow. I had bigger fish to fry, ducks to quack and showboats to honk. I managed to get out just in time and race to the NMCC. We had the bare six again. Tizzy couldn’t make it and the door was left open for a triumphant return from Neil "Magic" Cameron from his Scottish hiatus.
At £16 the showboat was a roll-over, and with our position in the quarter finals guaranteed Coach Southam’s advanced tactical nous and strategic decision-making could be put aside for a week as six of Rackspack’s finest clamoured to find out who would have first crack at it.
Fresh from releasing the averages tables that saw him top yet again despite having won less games than two other members of the team, Coach had spent the week devising a fair and unbiased system for deciding the team order for the first half, and revealed all just before the match:
Coach Southam: “Right, I have six names on this piece of paper, somebody shout out a number between one and six, and the person in that position on my piece of paper plays first.”
JY: “Five”
Coach Southam: “That’s me”.
It was straight our of the Robert Uzzell school of draws, but Coach Southam rules with an iron hand inside that silk glove, and the murmurs of dissent barely strayed beyond the personally offensive:
Brad Robinson: “You ‘orrible man”
Jim "Pretty Boy" Floyd was up first for NMCC, and with Coach Southam fearing the likes of Wonder Walls and Bradley Bear would likely get a clearance in later in the first half, not to mention John “Watch how many clearances I do this season” Shiel, he set off for a fast start. However with the break Jimmy quickly got the upper hand, and once the chance of the showboat had gone his heart clearly wasn’t in it. The frame quickly descended into a missing contest that Kevin won. 0-1 to NMCC.
The great great grandfather of Thames Valley Pool, Maurice "Tingley" Dingley was up next against John “Hokey Cokey” Shiel. After actually winning a game last week the Krispy Kreme sponsorship deal was in the balance, and it would take some top class screwing up to clinch a double doughnut this week. But Thames Valley Pool history is littered with sorry souls who underestimated the sheer lack of ability that Hokey Cokey brings to the table. It looked over when Maurice was on his last ball but a miss let John back in. He floundered and managed to snooker himself on the last ball. Confidently he eyed up coming off the cushion and not only hitting the red, but doubled it into the corner. He even pointed it out to us what he was aiming for "just in case it goes in and you think it was lucky"....
INTERLUDE - you know when you were a youngster at school and there was a kid in the maths class who was a bit slow. Little Jimmy was his name. He wouldn’t answer any questions at all, but every now and then the teacher would ask something like” what’s five times five” and their arm would shoot up in the air. They would be straining every sinew of their body to attract the teachers attention…
"ME MISS, ASK ME MISS, ASK MEEEE!"
and she would say "yes, what’s the answer". This was their moment to impress, everyone in the class is staring at them, waiting, hoping, praying to see the kid get it right just once.
"Miss, is it thirty-seven?"
.......that’s what its like these days watching Johns frames.
Eyeing up the speculative double, he spammed the white off the cushion, it collided with the red which then potted Maurice’s yellow into the corner. It’s two shots Maurice and shortly afterwards, 2-0 to NMCC.
Once again 2-0 down and once again the Wonder comes to the table with the scent of Showboat in his nostrils. This boy is like a bitch on heat, yet for the fourth time this season he cleared up to the black and despite four pointless attempts at moving it he couldn’t get it out and had no shot for the money. Showing exactly why the Showboat is not helping our frames tally, he took a run up from the car park, gave it the full "Larry Launch" and smashed his opponents yellow in via the black. Luckily Craig Brand couldn’t take advantage with the two shots and the Wonder pulled one back. 1-2
Frame four, and up stepped the Bear. I remember the days when at 2-1 down we were all glad to see Brad take to the table. With the Showboat challenge in full effect it’s now akin to waiting at the dentists for root canal work. We took our seats fearing the worst, and when he sunk a fantastic yellow for openers it was all on. Pot after pot, it looked there for the taking. A superb pot on the next yellow went unrewarded as he snookered himself on the last two yellows and despite a great escape the yellow rattled and much to our relief the opportunity was gone. Cliff Hulse had a glimmer of a chance to put NMCC 3-1 up…but didn’t take it. 2-2
David Dawson faced JY in the next and JY played and looked a million dollars. However they turned out to be Zimbabwean dollars and before we knew it we were 3-2 down.
Up to plate stepped Scotland’s finest, ‘Magic’ Cameron. The break was thunderous, that’s for certain. The colour selection was, well, less certain and probably dubious. However there was no mistaking the total budge of the first shot as the yellow he tried to pot started out 10 inches from the pocket but missed by it by 12. The three weeks on the sauce had done him no good at all, but he recovered to beat Ray Dawson and levelled up the match. 3-3.
Half time and the Showboat was over the £20 mark. The confidence with which we had stated how the showboat was definitely going this week looked misplaced. We had missed a few chances but Justina the Showboat Piggy bank was still had our money in her and the jackpot was growing.
There was a redraw the positions for the back half. Using all the experience he gained working for Alan Stanford and Harry Redknapp, Coach Southam set up the second half draw, and JY got first crack. Coach got second.
JY saved himself from the dreaded double with a win over Pretty Boy Floyd and then Coach was up. The break was perfect, every ball hanging over the pockets – it was on! Our only hope was some sort of blunder or horrendous kick might put him off. It came down to the last two reds, could he drop one in and not snooker himself on the last? There was a foot of space to land the white in…the pot went in, but what was the postion like? Perfect. A straight black to the middle soon followed and the cry went up…
HONNNNNNNNKK !!!!!!!!
Showboat number 2 banked at £25. Kerching!
During the celebrations, Krispy Kreme rang and asked us when could we give them full copyrights to their new doughy sensation – The Hokey Cokey doughnut. We told them about five minutes. Cliff Hulse put the cherry glaze on top as HC recorded yet another one for the season and brought his run to 5 losses in 6.
Nasa scientists await the news of the first clearance of John's career.
The Rackspack image library has run out of double doughnut and double bagel pics so here, courtesy of Krispy Kreme, is a summary picture of John’s progress this season:
What followed was one of the most shocking events this season. The Bear walked up, broke and was staring another dish of the day in the face. But with the Showboat had been won, the princely sum total of £2 was up for grabs and £1 of that was his! And then it happened, quietly at first...
“Come on the Bradley”
That’s right cueists - suddenly we were right behind him!!
“GO ON THE BRADLEY BEAR!”
Cheers greeted every pot, warm applause every precise positional shot. He grimaced and scowled around the table, nonchalantly knocking in all seven balls and the black. Hoorahs broke out at the Rackspack table as we all shook his hand to celebrate the £2 he had copped. For nicking the shopboat pot our hatred of Coach turned to love – none us would have been able to stomach the Bear winning another £27 to add to his spoils from 3 weeks ago.
In all the confusion it was easy to forget that the match was still in the balance at 6-4 and when Magic lost to Dave Dawson it was all on the Wonder to clinch us the win. A perfect break and another clearance was there for all to see. There were no problem balls, position was easy, the first pot flew in…
“Foul – you didn’t nominate”
Doh!
If Brad is the most hated man in pool then Wonder Walls is the luckiest, as frankly no one is having a luckier run in the Rackspack team at the moment than the Wonder. Every week some poor schmuck throws away a glorious opportunity of listening to Keith whine about how the table is off, the tip is to spongy, etc as they chuck away winning chances. Sure enough this week was no different, as Ray Dawson somehow failed to clear with two shots and we nicked the match 7-5.
So another week gone. The second showboat to Kev, a third one to Brad and only two matches before the knockout stages.
Honk Honk!
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