Special Double Match Report - Home versus The Anchor, Home versus The Rose

Four games gone, two to go and the stars were beginning to align themselves in the heavens once again. It was August and so as usual we were cruising to a divisional title and preparing ourselves for the inevitable screw up in the knockout stages. With only the Anchor and the Rose left to play the title was secured, and it was only the small matter the showboat at £16 plus all its kudos that was pulling us into North Maidenhead Cricket Club.

Match Report - Rackspack versus The Anchor

I'd had a pretty abysmal last few days, and to top it all didn’t think I was going to make the match. Coach Southam was in some lap dancing club in Belgium and wasn’t about .That’s another of the Rackspack “bankers” for the season ticked off. “Coach in Euro lap dance club – check”. JY had taken up the temporary mantle of being in charge and without my presence there was going to be no webcam.

However by a stroke of luck and continuing the theme of ‘everything I touch is turning to crap at the moment’ I managed to break something I was fiddling with at work that night (your todger perhaps – ED.) and so my shift came to an abrupt but timely end at 8pm. I raced down to NMCC clutching the laptop and webcam and arrived for the second frame and we were 1-0 up.  I wasn’t in the mood to suffer fools but seeing the faces in the room it left me with very little option. I was bordering on a Michael Douglas ‘Falling Down’ moment as I'd been seething about in a bad mood for a couple of days and didn’t need any jive.

After getting the webcam set up and finding for some reason that it wouldn't quite focus properly I got a Guinness and sat down having done the best I could. I copped flak from Hokey Cokey that last weeks blog was too long and “what was all that about the tree outside the pub thing”. This was followed by the MHMIP chirping in that the blogs were too short now and not like last year. In a desperate attempt to free myself from the two-pronged attack I ref'd Pats frame with Albie and it was dire. In fact it was not so much a refereeing duty more like a hostage situation as I was forced to stand and watch the whole thing to the end. It finished with Pat playing a cunning safety that left Albie a full view of the black into the corner and it was 1-1.

JY had put me in and dropped himself with the idea that me playing would cheer me up a bit. And of course I went on and got beat by this woman from the Anchor and potted one ball and one white in three visits. This included a cracking shot where I tried to pot a red to the middle and left it 3 inches short failing to even hit a cushion.

I know what you're thinking packfans - this is great I can't wait to see it on the webcam highlights. Well here it comes, the old “captains log – supplemental”. Having set the camera up and getting it running I noticed that after this lady broke their ref was standing in front of it. On the laptop I could see the proud silhouette of the back of his head filling the screen. I apologise for not having the name of my lady opponent but I didn’t get the result card this week that Kev normally mails me (errr, I wasn't there – ED.). Anyway, while she was playing her second shot I asked the ref would he mind moving and he replied “I'm the ref I can stand where I like”. I took a deep breath and counted to five. “It's just that your standing in the way of the camera”. The “I'm standing here” was as welcome as an Icelandic volcano and being too tired and fed up to attempt to reason with him I got 6 magic out-of-focus minutes of the back of his head.

It was a shame really, especially as I got totally stuffed and she played really well. So if his thought was to somehow protect her from a possible humiliation, well either he didn't know her or he didn't know me - it backfired. Kev and I did wonder if people would object to the webcam and when we have used it I have asked the opposition if they minded. As we only have 3 teams to play I assumed that it would be fine on both legs and this was at our venue as well.

Just when I was wondering if my week could get any worse I threw a couple of quid into the football card just to finish it off and guess who won it. Yep the human lens cap - remarkable! Why don’t I go the whole hog and pay Brad a tenner to knee me in the sweetbreads?

Anyway the knock on effect was that we then ended up missing the most important frame of the night. Neil “Magic” Cameron broke and dished in frame six and took the second showboat of the season for £22. I almost hadn’t the heart to tell him that we didn’t have the camera running – but Brad was there so I knew I could rely on him to have a giggle at Neil's expense. Not that Neil was that bothered (or so he told me but I suspect otherwise) but he had just taken out a cracker which culminated in a superb double on his second last red to clinch it.

We were 4-2 up at the half I think (who cares) and I was dropped for JY to come in for the second set. 

The rest of the frames passed along without anything of note. JY showed he could play equally as bad as me and the lady who had chinned me became the first player this season to win two on the night against “the pack”. From memory only two people managed it last season. This was a fine effort despite Hokey writing her name down on the card as Wanda Legova for some reason. 

And as the night wore down or I did, one of the two, “Magic” stepped up in the last frame to take on the absolute number one, top of the heap , head cheese , numero uno honcho, motherload of all sporting achievements – could he break and dish twice in one night and therefore complete a mythical double of two showboats? Our breath was baited, I kicked off the webcam, called up the commentary team and we all took our places for the last waltz...

http://www.youtube.com/user/rackspack#p/u/1/ADN5u48Kjbo

And so onto the final week of the league sections before the knockout stages. Standing between us and a 100% record was The Rose. They had there own agenda as a win against us would guarantee them a spot in the knockout stages as one of the best runners up.  For us it was time to relax, let the cue arm go, and see if anyone could match the incredible achievements of Neil who managed to break and dish in both his frames last week collecting a total of £27 of Showboat money.

I'd missed the first game against the Rose thanks to the dreaded “W” word (work !). As I drove up to North Maidenhead cricket club my mind began to wander to the roses I had in my back garden. I was trying to uproot them only last week as they are getting out of control and the area they are in was all overgrown. I bought a pair of those hard wearing leather gloves to guard my hands against the thorns and very useful they were too. When I was finished I only had to suffer a couple of pricks for all the hard work I'd put in. Anyway like I said I got to NMCC and Rob Walsh couldn’t make it and Neil and Kevin were running late as usual.

Match Report - Rackspack v The Rose

Thanks to Neil's showing off last week we were back to zero on the ‘boat’.  In case the unthinkable happened and he did it again he was put in first. And guess what, the unthinkable happened again and he broke and dished! Holy crap - three in a row!?!? Incredible darts from the man who has become known as Mr Boat. The only consolation was that as I was late getting there I didn’t have the webcam set up and missed it. But to be quite honest what is the point in recording them when he is doing it all the time now. Three frames, three breaks, three dishes - it's getting boring.

Nearly every match we play this season is over in two hours or less so it's never dull, and tonights match was no exception. Everyone was looking to launch every ball they could to try and grab a clearance before the knockout stages, and chances are that we wont run it for the rest of the season as the serious stuff begins. After Neil's boat John Shiel put us 2-0 up on the night and Coach Southam kindly kept the opposition in it at 2-1 with a quality in off on his last red that made the highlights reel.

http://www.youtube.com/user/rackspack#p/a/u/0/fZN_yq6Ss4Y

Brad, JY and Keith put us 5-1 up at the break with what can only be described as dubious wins. Trying desperately to have a clearance there were balls flying all over the place as they scrambled for positioning to keep breaks going. By half time it was 5-1 and all we needed was another special moment from the Most Hated Man In Pool. It duly arrived as he extended his moniker to the “Most Hated Man in Scratch Cards” when he won the footy card. That's the thing with Bradley, if he doesn’t get on the showboat then he will get you some other way.

With Neil on for a never-seen-and-never-will-be-again fourth dish in-a-row he was cruelly robbed of the opportunity when his number failed to come out for the second half draw. But a moment of chivalry from JY saw him step down and allow “Mr Boat” to come in for the final frame of the night.

The Rose were 5-1 down and needed the mother lode of all comebacks. It got going when Frank Jones handed Coach Southam the first double doughnut of the season for Rackspack. No one had managed two losses on the night this season but another in off condemned him as Double-O Southam. Brad helped push the Rose score along when losing to Steve Wright and the Wonders complete mess up of a double put the Rose on 4, but that's was as far as they got. John Shiel grabbed his second of the night against Bob Frankel and then Pat Phelan had a sniff at the £9 Showboat. He had brought his wife Natasha with him so was obviously out to impress. The question was, could he hold himself together with “the pack” on his case and his better half chewing her fingernails from the tension…

link to follow...

Last frame, and it came down to Neil to see if he could live up to his new nickname and could he make it four breaks and dishes in a row??? Well, no he couldn’t so that was that! Thank god. He did manage a win though and a final score of 8-4.

It’s a break next week for bank holiday Monday and then the real stuff begins. Five years of hurt is surely coming to an end for Rackspack. This time, more then any other time, this time, we're gonna find a way...