Week 7 - Results & Tables

Week 7 Results
24-Aug-06

WAMDSAD 5 Bell 7
Farmers Boy 3 Thatched Cottage 9
Racks Pack [bye]

Table
Team (played) points

Thatched Cottage (5) 57
Racks Pack (5) 54
Farmers Boy (6) 39
Bell B (6) 37
WAMDSAD (6) 22

We remain within touching distance of the top of the table thanks to the Farmer Boy taking three frames from our main rivals. Their 9-3 loss means that, as predicted, a win against the Thatched Cottage at home on September 4th will see us assume control, and leadership, of the division with two further games to play.

NEXT GAME: Sept 4th home versus Thatched Cottage.

Practice makes perfect?

Bye week for the racks pack so the hard core head to racks for some much-needed practice...

My Knight with Sir-Cumference.
Keith Walls
With no game on this week, Brad and I headed down to Racks for a fight to the death that left me bloody, but reasonably unscathed after a 20-16 defeat.

I was about 5 frames behind for most of the match. A couple of times I got close to him but came up dry on the break and he would dish up. Then more often than not he would take out a clearance on his break and I would be 5 frames down again in a matter of minutes. I cant believe how something as simple as potting a ball of the break could be so difficult. I kept a count and from my 18 breaks I only potted off 6 of them. I was 1 from 9 at one point! Tried all sorts of angles and speeds but still cant crack it.

Anyway enough of my bitching.

We watched some of our guys from our Thursday night Irish club team play Racks' ladies side and also my old Noctors team run the other Racks side close in a 7-5 defeat from 5-3 up. While watching the matches we were in a conversation with Jen and Claire ''the knee trembler'' about coping with pressure on an important shot. Since we don't have a report to put up this week I thought I would put up a story of something that I was reminded of during the chat.

Way back when I was first playing I ended up in a team called Brambles that, oddly enough, was playing from the Brambles Hotel. The team had qualified for the national 7-man championships and had the final regional qualifier at a pub in Harrow - the name escapes me. There were two tables in the pub and while we played on one table another match was taking place on the other side of the bar involving their 'B' team.

While you could have cut the tension with a knife on our table at 1-1 (first to 4) there was all sorts of shouting and noise coming from the other match. The captain of our opposition must have asked them a dozen times to keep it down and players were constantly having to stop when down on a shot because of some sort of distraction.

The bar itself had a strange design. When you walked through the double doors you were in a long corridor running to your left and right. In front of you was the bar , a room to the left with one table and a room to the right with the other table. The corridor wall itself was only up to waist height so when you were in either of the two pool rooms you could see the top halves of anyone walking to the gents on the left or the ladies on the right.

The captain apologised a number of times for the other guys behaviour but to be honest it wasn't as bad as some places we had been to and we told him not to worry. He appreciated it and during the break at 2-2 went on to say how "they've been banned from 4 leagues you know and they probably wont last long in this one the way they are going"

"Four leagues! What for? Fighting?"

"No," says the captain - "jousting"

"err.. What ?"

"Jousting - I'll show you"

The guy takes us to the back room bar and on one wall is about 20 trophies - champions of this, section winners of that blah blah blah - and on the opposite wall there is an equal amount of framed letters, different dates , different writing and all from pool committees. Most of them were along the same lines 'Dear Sir, our committee has found you guilty of breaking rule da da da with regards to the standards we expect in our league yada yada yada…and therefore we have taken the step of imposing a one year ban from the such and such league'. Three or four letters contained the lines 'jousting during pool matches' and the captain tried to tell us what it meant but his explanation made very little sense and he was too busy laughing anyway. We got a shout from the bar that the next frame was starting so we headed back in.

At 3-2 up and needing one more, there was a huge cheer next door - the B team had won their match and the other side was leaving so we stopped while everyone was moving about and waited until their side of the pub cleared.

After I had missed a black (some things never change) my opponent was looking to clear two yellows and the black for 3-3. After he sunk the first yellow and was cueing up on the second someone shouts out "TO YOUR STEEDS KNIGHTS" and two guys run to one end of the corridor and another two run to the other side but these two are standing on the other side of the corridor wall (which is waist high remember). Both guys jump onto their partner so theres a piggy-back thing going at each end of the bar. They look at each other and the first guy cries out "SIR MISS-A-LOT IM GOING TO KNOCKETH YOU INTO THE MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK"

To which the reply came "SIR PUKE-A-LOT , I WILL NAIL YOU TO THE WALL YOU SCURVY KNAVE"

"CHAAAAAAARGGE!!"

The two piggy-backed players then ran at each other on opposite sides of the corridor wall with a lowered pool cue in hand, and had an almighty smash in the middle of the bar - sending each other crashing to the floor. They had grabbed old pub cues off the wall and flipped them round so they had the fat white rubber end pointing forwards and clattered into each other; beer, bodies, cues and tables scattered all over the place.

Meantime on our table, the guy cueing up for the yellow misses it by a barn yard as the shout of "CHAAAARGE" went up and I tapped in for the win.

It turned out that they went through this every home game. They all had nicknames and whoever lost during the pool match had to joust, the loser then bought a round. The only other names I can remember was Sir Cumference, Sir Cum-cision and Sir Per-Trooper - a 'knight' who would put the Abba song on the jukebox when it was his turn.

Five contests later and Sir-Cumference, clutching his ribs after Sir Puke-A-Lot had caught him square in the mid-rift and sent reeling over a chair, was off to the bar to pay his forfeit.

At 3-2 down, and trying to pull out a finish to save your team in a national tournament, the last thing you need is a jousting match going on behind you - that's real pressure!

Next report - how Kev 'Slugger' Southam held his breath on the last three balls to win his match at Yarmouth and almost passed out!

Remember team, no match this coming bank holiday Monday. Next game is the Thatched in the big one at Racks on the 4th September. You may be pleased to hear that there is an almost 100% chance that the captain will be working in Germany and miss this crucial encounter.

Rumours that Kev and JY rang my boss to organise it are unconfirmed.

Home versus Bell B

A note from the editor

As editor-in-chief of the most influential blog since www.hotasianchicks.blogspot.com I have an awesome responsibility, both to the truth and to myself. The captain's reports are mailed to me on a weekly basis by Keith 'poetic license' Walls and go, largely un-edited, straight into the blog, through the worlds servers and pc's, and into the critical glare of the waiting public.

A painless process one would think. Painless, that is, until one becomes the first player of the season to lose two games in one night.

Should I have been nervous? Did the threats of a 'right royal slagging off' have any substance? Would I have to abandon my policy of non-sanitisation? Cueists - decide for yourself as we read the latest reportage...

Captains Report
Keith Walls

"With a two week break coming up, and the Thatched Cottage having a week off, it was a chance for the Racks Pack to take the division by the scruff of the neck by opening a can of whoop ass on the Bells B. This was the first game in the 'second half' of the season, and having beaten the Bell 11-1 in the opening game the captain was eyeing up a comfortable win to put the pressure on the Cottage in the race for the division title.

So with that in mind the captain went in first to bat and lost again. It was a little bit unlucky when he doubled the white off the side cushion, back across the table to knock his last yellow into the middle, only to see the white fly in straight after it. But that would overshadow his two pathetic attempts on the yellow when he should have cleared up to leave Chris Grant with 7 reds.

Mr Grant must rub his hands with glee when he sees 'K Walls' on the opposite side of the card to his name - you might recall he chinned the captain to save the 12-0 in the first match. He's going to be queuing up to play the captain everytime now and let me tell you, that queue seems to get longer and longer every week!

"Take a ticket son, we'll call you when its your turn"

In the second game JY was fortunate to beat Andi, who played well yet again. She should have won but after potting a long red the white shot up the table and managed to pot the black in the corner. It could have been 2-0 - it made it 1-1.

Brad 'its as good as a two-nil lead' Robinson huffed and puffed through his frame and finished it off with our winner for 'Pointless Flair Shot of the Week'. I don't care what anyone says - it was as pointless as it comes ! 2-1.

So after a momentary stumble things were taking shape and this was where we were going to kick on - wrong. Kev played a sitter of a black so slowly towards the pocket you would have thought he was playing it uphill. It was exactly the way you should play it with two shots - just a pity he only had one! Kerry, his lady opponent, needed no second invitation and cracked in the last few reds, followed by the black, and it was level at 2-2.

The captain got some extra punishment by reffing Neils frame. Neils lack of experience of the rules shone through as he struggled to get into a frame which got bogged down into a long tactical battle. Unfortunately neither he or his opponent had any idea what a tactical battle was and Neil managed to hang in there until his opponent made a mistake 3-2. It was actually a damn good win considering the score at the time and the position Neil found himself in with three pockets all covered.

Swanny pulled off an outrageous fluke in the next on his final red, but guilt got the better off him and he deliberately missed the black by so far it had to change postcode - surely he could not have been trying to pot it? 3-3.

A perfect second half?

A brilliant bit of team selection was needed to turn this thing around. The captain got off the quiz machine after thinking that "a Straw Boater" was the South African primeminister and a team huddle ensued. Having seen enough of the farce unfolding before him JY had legged it, and was replaced by the recently-arrived Treddy - a straight swap.

Up first, Treddy put in a superb error free break-and-dish, and Brad almost did the same but for some 'captain-like' positioning on his last ball. However he recovered and it was 5-3.

The captain then proved to be deadly when you give him 5 chances at a single yellow over the bag and Swanny temporarily changed his name to "Ron Seal" to make it 7-3 , what a lovely finish!

We were heading for a back six of straight wins for the second week running when an unnecessary (and frankly unwelcome) appearance from 'Judge Budge' made it 7-4. It was a double loss for Kev and our teams first one of the season. I've been told to go easy on him, so all I can say is that on his day he is a great player. Unfortunately his day is Wednesday and we play on Monday nights!!

Thankfully Neil continued his good form and took the last to give us an 8-4 win.

So not exactly the result we needed but we have two weeks off before the big clash with the Thatched that should decide the division. The final stages are seeded, so winning the group and avoiding one of the top teams is vital - we don't want to be relying on qualifying through a 'best runners up' spot.

POINTLESS FLAIR SHOT OF THE WEEK:
Brad Robinson - two yellows left, one near the middle , the other over the corner pocket. The one near the pocket is partially covered by a red and the black stuck on top of that. He cuts the yellow in, ploughs into the black that hits the red, that pots his last yellow and the red in turn comes back off the cushion flicking the black leaving it dead straight into the corner. I don't care what anyone says - that shot was not necessary!!

Next game - September 4th at home to the Thatched!"

Thank you for going easy on me Keith, my journalistic integrity remains intact - I needn't have worried! Not having a game for three weeks affords me time on the baize to eradicate the judge budg element of my game. As Keith rightly says, the key game is home versus the Thatched Cottage in three weeks. Win that and the league is as good as ours.

Wishing you all good cueing,

Kevin.

Week 5 results & Tables

Week 5 Results
07-Aug-06

WAMDSAD 3 - Thatch B 9
Farmers Boy 3 - Racks Pack 9
Bell B [bye]

Table
Team (played) points

Thatch B (4) 45
Racks Pack (4) 43
Bell B (4) 23
Farmers Boy (4) 22
WAMDSAD (4) 16

We're at the half-way stage of the season and, courtesy of their 7-5 victory over us, the Thatch B remain two points clear.

In the race to take part in the cup knockout at the end of the season, we are in prime position. Continued good form against the 'lesser' teams of our division will keep us within a few points of the Thatch. Our home game against them in a few weeks could be crucial - going into that match with the margin at less than five points gives us the opportunity assume league leadership with a victory.

Notwithstanding that we have the highest average (in terms of frames/match) of any of the second place teams and thus even second place should see us qualify for the knock-out competition.

They say you hurt the ones you love the most. If that is indeed true then there must be a lot of love in this, the team that takes barracking to a new level!

Cueists of the world rejoice! For as Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead in the Gospel of John, so let the Gospel of Budg show that Mr Walls is well and truly back.

Captains Report
Keith Walls

"At 6.45pm the captains ulcer started playing up again - Neil "the newcomer" rang to say he wasn't going to make it unless we were absolutely positively desperate. Swanny had already called in sick, so with two men down I was beginning to regret my masterstroke of telling JY not to bother coming as "we had 6 players and it would make team selection easy"!

In the end Brads tactful phone call to JY telling him to "get his arse down here now" meant that we did scrape together the necessary six players. So off we trooped to see what the Farmers Boy had for us.

The captain showed his high altitude [should that be 'attitude' - slugger] training in Northern Ireland had paid off by leading out a nice Fleetwood Mac clearance in the opening frame. ("Fleetwood Mac" - one where the player takes the most complicated and bizarre route to finish a basic clearance, normally accompanied by the rest of the team singing the Fleetwood Mac hit "You can go your own way").

Treddy went on second and grabbed the opportunity with both hands, subsequently dropped it, found it again, but ultimately forgot where he left it and it was 1-1. He was not helped by the 10 minutes it took to work out who was on what colour. Some drunken monkey stuck his oar in when it was not wanted or needed and confused everybody. He wasn't even playing, just passing painfully through like an accidentally swallowed marble.

Brad shrugged off the humiliating pastings he had taken from "the duke of fluke" and "the slugger" during practice at Racks to clinch the third and things were back on track 2-1. With The Slugger putting down his marker for the Pointless Flair shot of the week award during his victory, things were looking good at 3-1.

But 3-1 became 3-2 when Lee (who was back from a three week break) took some time out from his frame to cook up a giant flange and present it to all of us on the table!

JY justified his inclusion by taking frame six and then justified his reputation by losing frame seven - 4-3!!!

It was time for the gas to be stepped on and Brad had a date with Destiny. In fact she was waiting for him in the Honey Pot and he knew that only a quick victory would do as he had to clear up and get his cue into JYs car before he drove off to save him carrying it into the bar. The crockery was out and the dish was lovely - 5-3.

Kev managed to get his double when his opponent played one of the worst tactical frames in history. With the black hovering over the middle he cleverly maneuvered his yellow right on top of it. Then, heeding no warnings from that shot he did the unthinkable and put yet another one of his yellows on top of that. The whole lot was balancing delicately like a trifle on a boiled egg and all that remained was for him to complete his own suicide. In one of those car crash moments, when you know you should look away but you just have to see what happens, and with no regard for his own safety or that of his reputation, he ignored the three remaining yellows and buried the black in a three ball plant attempting to clear up the mess he had left previously. 6-3.

Lee redeemed himself with a confident finish in the next and Treddy followed suit with another fine clearance. It was left to the captain, the Duke of Fluke himself, to put this puppy to sleep and Tony Gibbons was the victim of the coup de grace.

At one point it was 4-3, the next it was 9-3 and job done. The pressure is back on the Thatched Cottage at the top of the table! Handshakes exchanged, cards signed and now it was off to Racks to right the world.

A five minute walk back into town turned into the longest five minutes of the captains life as he was abused all the way home by Brad and the slugger whinging about his team selection. Apparently I should have played Treddy last so he would have to stay to the end and could have given us a lift back to town so they could get to the HP quicker!

A quick one in Racks and after heavy persuasion the captain got his first taste of the yellow building, accompanied by Maidenheads answer to Crockett and Tubbs. Ironically one of the pool committee was in there so that saved me getting my cards stamped - which is more that can be said for the other two!

Next week - home to the Bell!

THE CAPTAINS POINTLESS FLAIR SHOT OF THE WEEK

Runaway winner this week - Kevin 'the slugger' Southam. With the match finally balanced at 2-2 a fluked snooker gives him two shots with one yellow and the black left. After sinking the yellow he is faced with the black on its spot and the white about 12 inches up towards the middle of the table. He couldn't take the black into the bottom left because a red covered the pocket; the shot was to double into the vicinity of top left and then use the second shot to finish it off.

Or, you could just slam the double straight in, as hard as possible, and to hell with the second shot."

Once again thanks for the report Keith. Next weeks match is at home versus the Bell. We have reached the halfway stage now, and once all results are known we'll have a better idea of where we stand in relation to teams in other divisions. Keep it here for the results and tables later this week.

Until then this is your cue correspondent signing off.

Supplementary report

A polite reminder from the returning Captain

"While the captain was relaxing in a Northern Ireland bar, he was disturbed to read in the Irish Times of rumours that certain members of his team had been seen once again heading off to the HP - and they weren't talking sauce (or maybe they were).

He had also read in dispatches that half the team were now taking Tuesday off work next week in order to turn next Monday night into 'the half-sister of all benders'.

Team members are politely reminded that the two legs they should focus on each week are not those carrying around the ample bosom of 'Roxanne' or 'Cherry'.

Next Monday we should put aside all erotic diversions, and instead concentrate our efforts on humping the farmers boy."

Week 4 - Results & Tables

Week 4 Results
01-Aug-06

Racks Pack 9 - WAMDSAD A 3
Bell B 5 - Thatch B 7
Farmers Boy [bye]

Table
Team (played) points

Thatch B (3) 33
Racks Pack (3) 31
Bell B (4) 23
Farmers Boy (3) 19
WAMDSAD A (3) 13

"With the Thatch B taking only 7 frames in their win over the Bell B (compared to our 11 in the first game of the season), our 9-3 victory over WAMDSAD takes us to within 2 points of the summit.

Our gameweek 8 home game against the Thatch B could be crucial. Assuming both teams win all their other games, even a 7-5 win - and thus a 5 point swing - could be enough to see us win the division and get in to the play-offs."

Home versus WAMDSAD

And so it was that a rudderless, leaderless Racks Pack team pitched up for their first home game of the season without its captain and inspiration, Judge Keith Walls. Further encouragement could be gained from the fact that the other Racks team, also at home that night, was a team of ladies – surely Southam and all would be in their element?

This weeks Captains report comes from the stand in captain; a man of such calibre and reputation that the only thing more minor than his pool is his schlong.

Captain’s Report
Kevin Southam

Good news and bad news for week four of the Racks Pack demolition of the Maidenhead Summer League Division E. Without Lee G and Judge Budge we were down to the bare six for our first home game of the season. This was tempered by the return of Brad Robinson – we were as good as 2-0 up before the start!

The Young…

Needless to say 8PM rolls around and we only have five players. First decision made – Tready is on last! With an hours free practice on two tables everyone was well and truly warmed up.

My theory of team selection is simple - put your best player on third and you’ll never be more than 2-1 down. It was a close call but BR edged it by virtue of the fact the rest of us are complete dross.

My keen observation of the practice hour evidenced a break from form. JY actually looked like he could hold a cue and thus was thrust into the pressure-cooker atmosphere of frame one. He delivered his best game of the season for 1-0.

Swanny ‘flair master general’ and Brad followed, and by the time Tready put in an appearance the boys had secured a 3-0 lead. Brad showed a class the rest of us lack by astutely observing that the key to victory against a young and inexperienced opponent was to leave him as many opportunities to clear up as possible, thus crushing his confidence with each successive miss. Chalk one up for the master tactician – ruthless.

With myself and Tready also winning in the first half, the only blip on the radar was Neil’s loss giving us a 5-1 margin at half time.

…and the restless

Tready asked for a time out from holding up the middle order, and thus a vacancy was created for his spot at position 7. JY was still buzzing from his first half performance, and even before I could ask he had volunteered his services as battering ram. Another good performance and 6-1.

Neil was up next to prove to us all that his first half performance was a mere hiccup, and had JY hung around I am sure he would been among those congratulating Neil on a decisive win and 7-1. Rumours of a smash-and-grab raid at KFC abound.

In the next Brad gave more weight to his reputation as the most reviled man in pool by securing all six of his opponents balls around the corner pocket covered by his black. He toyed. She folded. In the end she was just prayin’ to die. 8-1.

With only one bad shot in my frame I ruined our chances of an 11-Neil victory, and not to be outdone Tready also showed that it was possible to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Last game, and having watched Brad in the first half, Swanny was aiming to deepen the psychological scars of our young pretender and duly induced a classic (quite literally) schoolboy error. After a chorus of “go your own way” he left his opponent with the black hanging over the middle pocket but an obvious in-off in the top corner. Firm striking saw him deposit the black in the middle bag - but the white careered towards the top corner, rapping the knuckle of the pocket, the rubber on the back of the pocket, ending up on the floor. Cries of ‘unlucky’ were mixed with ‘get in there’ for 9-3.

With Keith not around there were no obvious contenders for pointless flair shot of the week, and we all look forward to seeing him make up for lost time next week.

Next Game: away versus The Farmers Boy.