The Risks Associated With Pulling A “Dave Brubeck” (or the night we decided to ‘Take Five’ and finally got our comeuppance)
In case the Brubeck reference has passed you by and jazz isn’t exactly your forte then try this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDOgYw5-pNs
In fact I would advise running this in the background while you read this weeks mind numbing dribble. You never know, with any luck the music might take your attention away from this weeks blog entry.
On Monday I decide to take a new approach. I wasn't going to text anyone, mail anybody or make any last minute phone calls. I would just assume we weren’t going to have six players and live with it. I got home from work on time for a change, jumped on my bike (which badly needs maintenance or dumping in a canal, whichever is easiest) and cycled to Slough Station. The train arrived as soon as I got on the platform, what a nice way to start to the evening. I arrived at Racks for 6:20pm and it was empty. More importantly the Murphy’s was back on. What’s more, the main table wasn't reserved – could it get any better??
Dom Taylor’s monthly direct debit to Racks must have got caught up in the banking system or maybe he’s cut back after the recent stock exchange crashes. Either way I jumped on it in a flash and even managed to get Vic’s balls as well. Things were going a little too well but it did put me in a joyful frame of mind - certainly joyful enough to shrug off the usual “I cant make it, working” SMS from Brad. Leo was nowhere to be seen either, he has obviously learnt his lesson the hard way and I doubt he will ever be in Racks before 8 o’clock while the summer league rolls on. Everyone else had made it and I’m tired of chasing up players so to hell with it - we would just “Dave Brubeck”.
********************************************
As a side note (and this one is for any committee members that are reading), any chance you can put the rules up for the summer league onto the front of the website? You managed to get the scores and tables done last week so thanks for that part. However a few people have asked me how the knockout stages will work and I don't honestly know. Any chance you can put up how the last eight are selected including how you will sort out a tiebreak between teams if its needed. It would be good for the players to know how its going to work and it also means everyone should know where they stand going into the last few matches. I think it will save you a lot of hassle in a months time when the sections finish. If you get any complaints just give them the “it was clearly stated on the website” and that will cover it – it’ll certainly avoid any accusations of corruption if people know in advance what the criteria are. Something nice and simple would do – “winners go through plus the ……..” “ they will be decided by….. yah da yah da yah da…”
If that's not possible then mail it to us on rackspack@hotmail.com and we will shove it on here as we would be interested to know as well.
********************************************
Of course, we shouldn't be in any danger of worrying about the runners up spots. After all we may have just five players but it’s only away to the Grenfell Arms for goodness sake, what can possibly go wrong?? We pop in, have a drink, rattle off the frames by nine thirty and its back to Racks for some beers, some pointless flair and a chinwag.
Fast forward to 9:32pm…..
JY: “ what’s the score now then?”
“We’re 6-3 down John”
“F*****g hell, how the f**k did that happen yah cheeky f****n’ c**t?”
…How indeed – rewind to 8:01PM…
It may be drawing to the end of the summer but the evenings are still bright until about 9’ish – unless of course you are in the Grenfell. It’s like the Black Hole Of Calcutta [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Hole_of_Calcutta - ED]. You open the front door and its bright sunshine outside. But you move two metres inside the door and you are bumping into tables and stools. Your eyes are squinted like a Vietnamese weight lifter during the clean and jerk.
We managed to arrive in one car at 8:01pm. By the time we walked in and managed to find each other again it was quarter past. Any other teams that go to play there - I would suggest some sort of ‘buddy’ system between you. There were three light sockets above the table but only two of them worked so one half of the table was all shadows. The only lights were coming off the fruit machine and the TV, but the barman turned them off so it wouldn't distract us!
Mark Hedges walked over and said “We are missing a bulb”. I showed him our card which, in Brad’s absence, had only five names on it, and replied “So are we!”. [You set ‘em up , and I’ll knock ‘em down…Ed]
The table is one of the slowest I have played on. It feels like you are playing on a shag-pile rug. You have to wallop just about everything and trying to bounce a white off a cushion and down the table is an impossible task. However it's the same for everyone so not to worry, and besides if you don't have a table you don't have a team so there’s something to be said for it.
I kicked it off with a win and Kevin followed up for an early 2-0 lead. JY then lost a shocker before disappearing into the night in the direction of the ‘Tri Towers’ card game on the amusement machine. Lee put us 3-1 up and it was looking good.
Back in our first meeting with the Grenfell, you may remember our guest appearance from Will Graham ending in a disaster. He landed Richard Meadows in the front and back six and Richard had brought out the Family Sized Bucket O’Fudge specially for him. Well, this time he worked his magic on ‘Magic’ and beat Neil. 3-2.
Throw in the two frames we had to give up and we found ourselves 4-3 behind at the turn. To make matters worse Richard then doubled up on the night and beat Lee. You can’t fudge with budge. 5-3.
With luck, at that point the sandwiches came out. Seizing the moment I managed to grab one of them and lay a small trail of breadcrumbs from the games machine to the table, enabling JY find his way back to the baize for frame 9. Fifteen minutes later I was wishing that I had left him to the ghosts and ghouls of the gloom as he brought out the flange stick, waved it around, hit himself full in the face with it and lost. 6-3.
“What’s the score now then?”
“We’re 6-3 down John”
“F*****g hell, how the f**k did that happen yah cheeky f****n’ c**t?”
You may well ask, Double Doughnut boy!! (0-0)
Hopefully, one thing that will stand us in good stead for the remainder of the season is our ability to win crucial frames. Goodness knows we have had plenty of practice so far with not having enough players. Sure enough we took the last three to snatch the draw. Neil nailed a tough black from under the cushion for 4-6. Kevin cracked in another to hold onto a slender lead at the top of averages, and it was left to me to complete the comeback 6-6.
Talking of averages, here are the standings in the Racks Packs “I am the greatest and now I have a trophy to prove it and I will be larging it over all of you ‘til next season” Trophy.
Kev 80% (8 from 10)
Keith 79% (11 from 14)
Neil 79% (11 from 14)
JY 71% (10 from 14)
Lee 66% (4 from 6)
At the end of the match we all shook hands, until Neil demonstrated the benefit of eating lots of carrots and pointed out that in the darkness we were actually shaking hands with each other and not the opposition. So JY lit up a flare he found by the fire extinguisher and we spotted Richard and co on the other side of the bar. We ran over, signed the cards, thanked everyone for a good night and jumped into the car and sped off into the relative light of Maidenhead at 11PM.
No game next week as it’s bank holiday so have no doubt that Brad has probably arranged time off in order to make it.
Note from the editor:
No game next week - it's a bank holiday, so a two week gap until our home game against NMCC gives us time to regroup for our final assault on the league title.
If we needed any more encouragement, our glorous "leader" Captain "Coach" Walls will not be available for selection as he is on a scouting trip to Switzerland. So for the first time this season vice-under-chairman-captain-uber-lord Southam will take charge of the team. I'd like to say I've learned a lot about how to be a team captain from Coach Walls. It would be a complete lie however, so all I'll say is I have already put the word on the street that we are looking for a couple of quality players to fill the gap left by Coach Walls (I wonder if Anne-Marie is still available) and I hope to schedule a press conference in due course.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Dear Racks Pack...
Postal Strike?? What postal strike??
It's a packed mailbag yet again down here in the Racks Offices. Let's print some grievances and give airtime to some oddballs as we open up the sack.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
I hear that you guys play a bit of poker and know your stuff. I was at the Racks £6 freezeout on Wednesday and I found myself in the following situation - what do you recommend.
I was in the Big Blind with a pair of 7s. The person in first position raised to 1000, this was called by a woman who had not played a hand all night (worrying I thought). Then the person on the button thinks for ages before calling and the small blind folded. I decided not to raise, but instead just called hoping to hit another 7. Just as the flop came out, so did the sandwiches. What I want to know is - was I right to eat the sandwiches or should I have bought a snickers?
Juan Tonamero, Taplow
RP - This is a serious dilemma and one that we have all found ourselves in. I was there on Wednesday playing in the singles league and I heard from a source that some of those sarnies had been there since Monday. Of course the difference between the pair of sevens and the tuna sandwiches is that at least you could always fold the sevens.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
Is the sight of James Harness coming up the stairs into Racks in full motorcycle leathers and still wearing his crash helmet the scariest looking thing on planet? I honestly thought my number was up and the grim reaper had arrived for me. Can you stop him doing that again or at least give a warning that he is going to arrive?
Frightened of Maidenhead
RP - We will try our best. But to be honest we have seen him consume a four course meal for two by himself and then down a pint of lager on top of that. Far more frightening.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys,
I’ve just purchased "Relaxation and Tranquility - a step by step guide to Inner Peace" by Rod Harvey, is it up there with Martin Smith’s "Learning to pot balls" course?
Karl Von Warehouse
RP - Pretty much. I can also recommend "Me and Ray - a guide for lovers" by Andy Brant, "Great Handshakes through the Ages" by Steve Payne and "Conquering Shyness" by Robert Uzzell. If they’re not available we have two of Gary Hoads books in the office, you are welcome to borrow them - "Cue Snapping - enter the ninja" and "Magners Cider - its part in my downfall". [Don’t forget the Rackspack bestseller “Hiro loves Andy and Ray”, Andy Brant’s seminal guide to under-age, under-the-counter Thai adoption – ED]
-------------------------------------------------------------
Hi RP, what’s the deal here??
Does this Brad guy actually exist or is he made up? My wife and I are always arguing about it. I say he must exist, but she says that you guys have made him up just to have an extremely thin 'running joke' every week. Maybe it’s like Arthur Daley’s wife in Minder or Keyser Soze in that film Usual Suspects.
Anyway, I say that he does exist and further more I think I have tracked him down for you. A few weeks ago I was in Thailand on holidays with some mates. We all drank a few too many and for a laugh we went to one of those 'Lady-Boys' theatres. It cost us about 50 pence to go in and we were hoping to set up my mate as it was his birthday.
When we took our seats they began by performing a 30 minute play called "Larder Boys Nob In". The star of the show was a bear of a man with a Chelsea tattoo on his left “breast”. It was actually very funny and at the end we even managed to get an autograph from him, the well named Babylon Resin Rod.
Back at the hotel after a few more beers imagine my amazement when I worked out that Larder Boys Nob In and Babylon Resin Rod are actually anagrams of Bradley Robinson!!!!!!!!! [Is this the blog equivalent of the leading man explaining the plot of a confusing film to his leading lady and simultaneously making sure the audience understand what is going on? – ED] We were stunned!!! We raced back to the theatre but it had shut for the night and we never returned.
Could I be onto something?
Marcus Absent
RP - Are you onto something? For your sake Marcus, let’s hope not.
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
I’ve just looked up on the web where you play. Your town is next to places called Cookham and Burnham, what the hell do you do down there? Burn Witches??
Anon.
RP – Very droll anon. Sorry to disappoint you though but we don’t burn them, we recycle all of our used magazines.
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
Just to let you both know, the op went well, I am now recovering xxxx
Jane (ex Brad)
RP - Hmmmm…….
---------------------------------------------------------
More inane dribbling next time we open our bulging sack...
K&K
It's a packed mailbag yet again down here in the Racks Offices. Let's print some grievances and give airtime to some oddballs as we open up the sack.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
I hear that you guys play a bit of poker and know your stuff. I was at the Racks £6 freezeout on Wednesday and I found myself in the following situation - what do you recommend.
I was in the Big Blind with a pair of 7s. The person in first position raised to 1000, this was called by a woman who had not played a hand all night (worrying I thought). Then the person on the button thinks for ages before calling and the small blind folded. I decided not to raise, but instead just called hoping to hit another 7. Just as the flop came out, so did the sandwiches. What I want to know is - was I right to eat the sandwiches or should I have bought a snickers?
Juan Tonamero, Taplow
RP - This is a serious dilemma and one that we have all found ourselves in. I was there on Wednesday playing in the singles league and I heard from a source that some of those sarnies had been there since Monday. Of course the difference between the pair of sevens and the tuna sandwiches is that at least you could always fold the sevens.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
Is the sight of James Harness coming up the stairs into Racks in full motorcycle leathers and still wearing his crash helmet the scariest looking thing on planet? I honestly thought my number was up and the grim reaper had arrived for me. Can you stop him doing that again or at least give a warning that he is going to arrive?
Frightened of Maidenhead
RP - We will try our best. But to be honest we have seen him consume a four course meal for two by himself and then down a pint of lager on top of that. Far more frightening.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys,
I’ve just purchased "Relaxation and Tranquility - a step by step guide to Inner Peace" by Rod Harvey, is it up there with Martin Smith’s "Learning to pot balls" course?
Karl Von Warehouse
RP - Pretty much. I can also recommend "Me and Ray - a guide for lovers" by Andy Brant, "Great Handshakes through the Ages" by Steve Payne and "Conquering Shyness" by Robert Uzzell. If they’re not available we have two of Gary Hoads books in the office, you are welcome to borrow them - "Cue Snapping - enter the ninja" and "Magners Cider - its part in my downfall". [Don’t forget the Rackspack bestseller “Hiro loves Andy and Ray”, Andy Brant’s seminal guide to under-age, under-the-counter Thai adoption – ED]
-------------------------------------------------------------
Hi RP, what’s the deal here??
Does this Brad guy actually exist or is he made up? My wife and I are always arguing about it. I say he must exist, but she says that you guys have made him up just to have an extremely thin 'running joke' every week. Maybe it’s like Arthur Daley’s wife in Minder or Keyser Soze in that film Usual Suspects.
Anyway, I say that he does exist and further more I think I have tracked him down for you. A few weeks ago I was in Thailand on holidays with some mates. We all drank a few too many and for a laugh we went to one of those 'Lady-Boys' theatres. It cost us about 50 pence to go in and we were hoping to set up my mate as it was his birthday.
When we took our seats they began by performing a 30 minute play called "Larder Boys Nob In". The star of the show was a bear of a man with a Chelsea tattoo on his left “breast”. It was actually very funny and at the end we even managed to get an autograph from him, the well named Babylon Resin Rod.
Back at the hotel after a few more beers imagine my amazement when I worked out that Larder Boys Nob In and Babylon Resin Rod are actually anagrams of Bradley Robinson!!!!!!!!! [Is this the blog equivalent of the leading man explaining the plot of a confusing film to his leading lady and simultaneously making sure the audience understand what is going on? – ED] We were stunned!!! We raced back to the theatre but it had shut for the night and we never returned.
Could I be onto something?
Marcus Absent
RP - Are you onto something? For your sake Marcus, let’s hope not.
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
I’ve just looked up on the web where you play. Your town is next to places called Cookham and Burnham, what the hell do you do down there? Burn Witches??
Anon.
RP – Very droll anon. Sorry to disappoint you though but we don’t burn them, we recycle all of our used magazines.
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
Just to let you both know, the op went well, I am now recovering xxxx
Jane (ex Brad)
RP - Hmmmm…….
---------------------------------------------------------
More inane dribbling next time we open our bulging sack...
K&K
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Week 6 Captains Report - Away versus WAMDSAD
Five go mad down the WAMDSAD Social!
Great god almighty is it that time again?? Monday afternoon, pool this evening! Quick check of the fixtures…da da da de da…(finger going across the page). There we go. Oh Lordy, it’s time to play against everyone’s favourite 80s pool cover band WHAM-SAD!
Ok, mail everyone
“WAMSDAD away. Meet at Racks if you like, I should be there about 7:30”.
Right, all I have to do is sit back, relax and wait for Brad to blow us out yet again…..sure enough, despite mailing me and saying how he would be there and having the front to call me a ‘butt monkey’, the inevitable 7:26pm SMS arrived:
“sorry mate working”.
********************
I’m just going to digress here for a moment so bear with me......Last week the football season kicked off with Sunderland playing Tottenham. SKY had been hyping up the premiership to all new levels of tackiness with the promise of excitement and thrilling action. Ultimately, the game turned out to be one of the worst in premiership history and if it wasn't for the last minute goal, it would have been an utter damp squib and a total waste of time watching. I’m starting to get that feeling about Brad Robinson’s eventual debut!
I wake up in a cold sweat at night in the middle of this reoccurring dream. We are playing Dom’s lot in the final. [please make this part come true – ED] Brad has sent me a text telling me he will be there in the second half. He then loses and it ends up 6-6. He begs me to let him play the decider and promises me he will make up for missing the season by winning the clincher. I give in and he clears up to leave a simple black over the bag. Just as he hits the white his boss rings him , the phone goes off in his pocket and Brad miscues topping the white in to lose the match.
It occupies my every waking minute……
********************
I get to Racks to cop the usual flak from the slack jawed yokels in the team about us only having five again. But my spirits are lifted when I see that Martin Smith has an advert on the noticeboard. He is offering ‘potting’ lessons at reasonable rates. The mind boggles. What’s next I wonder - how to have a good attendance by Brad Robinson? Don't let alcohol ruin your pool semi final at 6-5 down with Steve Cox??? Sandwiches - how to make the meal of kings by the Racks Bar staff ?? [I sense a whole article coming on here – ED]
Brad missing again but Leo is in ‘da house and he is in full effect (one for all you young homeys out there). He takes some convincing but finally agrees to make up the sixth player to add to the usual suspects and the return of ‘Grinder’ Greenwood.
Kevin offers him a lift down but Leo hasn't eaten yet and says he needs to stop off at McDonalds.
“MCDONALDS!!!”
Kevin freezes in his tracks like a gun dog hearing a duck quack at 400 yards. The shoulders are back, ears are pricked…he’s motionless…hmmmm McDonalds…
We snap him out of it and send him off with JY instead to save him from temptation.
It's the second half of the season and it’s time to kick the arse of PAMSDAD and stamp our authority on the section.
I’m useless [should there be a full stop here – ED] in the opener and get lucky when my opponent gives me two shots. I clear up to the black and attempt a double into the corner instead of the simple cut to clinch ‘Flair shot of the week’ but choke it and need to use the second visit. 1-0
Kevin is total budge! I’ve seen better frames round the pictures in a curry house. It is woeful and the current King of the Averages has blundered the lead away. The team gives him the slating he deserves but he has his revenge on me with the football card. I chuck in a pound and ask for Norwich and Plymouth but he writes down Celtic and Bolton as he tells me that I cant pick my nose at the moment. I don't need to tell you what happened…
“I thought you had taken Norwich” says the vocal local from WIGWAMSMAD as he walks off with the tenner that should have been mine!
JY goes on and is nothing short of awesome. They break and JY produces the dish of the summer season - fresh fruit, ice cream even the cherry on top. He went through his opponent so fast that we had to hose pieces of the guy from out of the grill of the JY-mobile that had just run over him.
‘Magic’ chalked up another W for 3-1, and two weeks at an intensive Spanish summer training camp paid off for Lee immediately afterwards. 4-1.
Game six, and Leo stepped up as the man with the 100% record and sat down ten minutes later as the man with the 80% record. At the break it was Racks Pack 4, HAMSALAD 2.
Leo then got back up to 84% with an excellent black to the centre. Kevin redeemed himself and his reputation and JY and Lee took their games without much fuss.
I ended up playing a woman who pleaded with me to make sure she got at least one shot. She broke, I potted three yellows, split the pack, managed to sink the black in the centre off two reds, shook her hand and sat down again - what a gentlemen! Racks Pack 8 LAMBSNADS 3.
It was left to ‘Magic’ to put up his double on the night and join JY at the top of the averages board. So it finished 9-3, six wins out of six, and having side-stepped the pate and onions on French bread, we managed and got back to Racks by 10pm - result.
Great god almighty is it that time again?? Monday afternoon, pool this evening! Quick check of the fixtures…da da da de da…(finger going across the page). There we go. Oh Lordy, it’s time to play against everyone’s favourite 80s pool cover band WHAM-SAD!
Ok, mail everyone
“WAMSDAD away. Meet at Racks if you like, I should be there about 7:30”.
Right, all I have to do is sit back, relax and wait for Brad to blow us out yet again…..sure enough, despite mailing me and saying how he would be there and having the front to call me a ‘butt monkey’, the inevitable 7:26pm SMS arrived:
“sorry mate working”.
********************
I’m just going to digress here for a moment so bear with me......Last week the football season kicked off with Sunderland playing Tottenham. SKY had been hyping up the premiership to all new levels of tackiness with the promise of excitement and thrilling action. Ultimately, the game turned out to be one of the worst in premiership history and if it wasn't for the last minute goal, it would have been an utter damp squib and a total waste of time watching. I’m starting to get that feeling about Brad Robinson’s eventual debut!
I wake up in a cold sweat at night in the middle of this reoccurring dream. We are playing Dom’s lot in the final. [please make this part come true – ED] Brad has sent me a text telling me he will be there in the second half. He then loses and it ends up 6-6. He begs me to let him play the decider and promises me he will make up for missing the season by winning the clincher. I give in and he clears up to leave a simple black over the bag. Just as he hits the white his boss rings him , the phone goes off in his pocket and Brad miscues topping the white in to lose the match.
It occupies my every waking minute……
********************
I get to Racks to cop the usual flak from the slack jawed yokels in the team about us only having five again. But my spirits are lifted when I see that Martin Smith has an advert on the noticeboard. He is offering ‘potting’ lessons at reasonable rates. The mind boggles. What’s next I wonder - how to have a good attendance by Brad Robinson? Don't let alcohol ruin your pool semi final at 6-5 down with Steve Cox??? Sandwiches - how to make the meal of kings by the Racks Bar staff ?? [I sense a whole article coming on here – ED]
Brad missing again but Leo is in ‘da house and he is in full effect (one for all you young homeys out there). He takes some convincing but finally agrees to make up the sixth player to add to the usual suspects and the return of ‘Grinder’ Greenwood.
Kevin offers him a lift down but Leo hasn't eaten yet and says he needs to stop off at McDonalds.
“MCDONALDS!!!”
Kevin freezes in his tracks like a gun dog hearing a duck quack at 400 yards. The shoulders are back, ears are pricked…he’s motionless…hmmmm McDonalds…
We snap him out of it and send him off with JY instead to save him from temptation.
It's the second half of the season and it’s time to kick the arse of PAMSDAD and stamp our authority on the section.
I’m useless [should there be a full stop here – ED] in the opener and get lucky when my opponent gives me two shots. I clear up to the black and attempt a double into the corner instead of the simple cut to clinch ‘Flair shot of the week’ but choke it and need to use the second visit. 1-0
Kevin is total budge! I’ve seen better frames round the pictures in a curry house. It is woeful and the current King of the Averages has blundered the lead away. The team gives him the slating he deserves but he has his revenge on me with the football card. I chuck in a pound and ask for Norwich and Plymouth but he writes down Celtic and Bolton as he tells me that I cant pick my nose at the moment. I don't need to tell you what happened…
“I thought you had taken Norwich” says the vocal local from WIGWAMSMAD as he walks off with the tenner that should have been mine!
JY goes on and is nothing short of awesome. They break and JY produces the dish of the summer season - fresh fruit, ice cream even the cherry on top. He went through his opponent so fast that we had to hose pieces of the guy from out of the grill of the JY-mobile that had just run over him.
‘Magic’ chalked up another W for 3-1, and two weeks at an intensive Spanish summer training camp paid off for Lee immediately afterwards. 4-1.
Game six, and Leo stepped up as the man with the 100% record and sat down ten minutes later as the man with the 80% record. At the break it was Racks Pack 4, HAMSALAD 2.
Leo then got back up to 84% with an excellent black to the centre. Kevin redeemed himself and his reputation and JY and Lee took their games without much fuss.
I ended up playing a woman who pleaded with me to make sure she got at least one shot. She broke, I potted three yellows, split the pack, managed to sink the black in the centre off two reds, shook her hand and sat down again - what a gentlemen! Racks Pack 8 LAMBSNADS 3.
It was left to ‘Magic’ to put up his double on the night and join JY at the top of the averages board. So it finished 9-3, six wins out of six, and having side-stepped the pate and onions on French bread, we managed and got back to Racks by 10pm - result.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Retraction
We recently published an article concerning the Maidenhead league match between Racks Pack and The Golden Cross. In the article it was reported that Mr John Farquar-Smythe Young saved himself from a "double doughnut" by winning in the second half of that match.
Since then we have been contacted by lawyers representing Mr Young who pointed out that, in fact, Mr Young won his first half game and thus was never in danger sealing the aforementioned "double doughnut".
Furthermore, Mr Young's lawyers asked us to point out that contrary to an earlier article that appeared on this site, Mr Young has stayed until the end of at least two matches this season.
http://www.rackspack.blogspot.com/ is happy to publish an apology to Mr Young, and wishes him all the best in his upcoming attempt to break the world record for the most swear words uttered in a single sentence.
Since then we have been contacted by lawyers representing Mr Young who pointed out that, in fact, Mr Young won his first half game and thus was never in danger sealing the aforementioned "double doughnut".
Furthermore, Mr Young's lawyers asked us to point out that contrary to an earlier article that appeared on this site, Mr Young has stayed until the end of at least two matches this season.
http://www.rackspack.blogspot.com/ is happy to publish an apology to Mr Young, and wishes him all the best in his upcoming attempt to break the world record for the most swear words uttered in a single sentence.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Week 5 Captains Report - Home versus Woodlands Park
Half way, half a team and still winning!!
I don't think I need to write this bumbling rubbish anymore. I’ve discovered that every weekly report starts with the same thing, but like a suburban swingers orgy there’s something warm and friendly about it all. So let me just clear my throat and start this weeks blog on our match with Woodlands Park …..urrhrgh urghhghh…[cough]…Ahem...
So we were going to have six players for the first time ever and I could finally relax for change. Or so I thought. The next thing I get a text message from Lee saying he can’t make it and we are down to five. Brad had rung me on the Sunday to tell me that he would be there and how it would be good to play again, but seeing as he was not in the building and it was 7:45 I was starting to have my doubts.
It’s a sorry state of affairs when Brad doesn't even bother making up some lie about picking up his boss – these days he just doesn't bother turning up. JY texted him about 8:30 to find out where he was and got the reply “somewhere outside hemel – was trying to get back but don't think I’ll make it”!
An emergency phone call went out to James Harness, who again showed superb commitment and even better parenting skills by agreeing to play a couple of frames for us while his daughter propped up the bar. A true Harness. As for the extra player we needed, well, why break the habits of a season by having someone on standby , we were just going to wing it and grab someone from the bar.
I kicked off proceedings and made it 1-0. Kev took out another good finish for 2-0. As the black went down James turned up to bail us out, but asked if he could play his matches as soon as possible. After JY ran away with his match for 3-0, everything was looking rosy.
*Whose frame is it anyway*
So now it was time for our now weekly round of “Whose Frame Is It Anyway”. I’m thinking of turning this into a regular blog competition that you can write in for. We’ll give away a prize if someone can guess the correct order in which we played our frames.
On the team sheet James was in sixth spot to give him plenty of time to get there. But with his daughter in tow, we moved his sixth frame up to fourth to get his first one in. He duly made it 4-0 with this weeks winner of ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’. Trying to get his frame over in the quickest possibly time he slammed everything. His opponent then decided to leave the white on the bottom cushion and the black on the top one to slow him down. This was sheer folly on his part as James was up out of the seat before the balls had stopped rolling and had smashed the double in while his opponent was still walking back to his team mates and talking about what a great safety he had played!
Because James wanted to go as quickly as possible (and who wouldn't after that double) we played his second half, position seven frame next. But he couldn't perform to his previous high-flair standard, lost, grabbed his daughter who had sat politely at the bar and left.
Then it was back to the original running order with frame four, where ‘Magic 105.4’ was hoping to carry on his good recent form. It wasn't to be. In fairness he was up against a talented player. The Woodlands Park guy had everything a great pool player needs - except any kind of decent positional sense, potting ability, tactical skills or decent cue action – in other words, he owned a cue! 4-2
While this was going on Kevin had been ‘circulating’ looking for this weeks mystery guest who would end up playing twice. In the best traditions of ‘The Reputation’ he came back with a woman on his arm. Anne-Marie Hamilton started the evening wondering if her boyfriend would get a game for the over subscribed team of Dom Taylor, and finished it playing for the under subscribed but vastly more talented and better looking Racks Pack. Complete with 6 month old child she became the latest debutant for the Racks Pack.
Truthful to her talents Anne-Marie told us that she couldn't break but could pot a bit. She proved the first part of that statement when she broke, dislodged a sole red from the front of the pack, and went in-off via the side cushion. The second part was in no danger of being disproved as the Woodlands Park player needed no second invitation and cleared up pretty quickly. 4-3 and with Anne having to play again in the second half our 100% record was looking in danger.
Now for all of you in the “Whose frame is it anyway” competition, you will remember that James had already played seventh, so Anne-Marie went straight back in at number eight. That makes this weeks winning numbers:
1 – 2 – 3 – 6 – 7 – 4 – 5 – 8 - 9 – 10 – 11 – 12
If you had those numbers be sure to contact us on the racks pack email address to collect your signed photo of ‘The Reputation’ in his one of his ‘ladies night’ shirts. Truly a thoughtful gift for that special lady in your life.
Back to the action, and with Anne-Marie having lost again the score was 4-4. We needed to win three of the final four frames to scrape a victory. We didn’t need me to play like a monopoly set that had half the pieces missing, but I got away with it. 5-4
JY was monstrous yet again, and after Kev and Neil both secured there second wins of the evening, the score looked far more comfortable than it was at 8-4.
So our 100% record is intact, and it’s 5 wins from 5 so far. Given the personnel problems we’ve had, it’s a miracle in itself.
*Half-time*
Having mocked Dom’s team (and rightly so) for having so many players, I took a role call of who we have used this season, and scarily enough it’s TEN.
Keith, Kevin, Neil, JY, Lee, Will (Graham), Justina, Anne-Marie, James, John Cornell and his wife Sharon.
So we’re ten-up, and that doesn't include Brad, who is bound to turn up in the last game of the season to ensure that he gets a trophy. This would help justify not only his reputation as ‘the most hated man in pool’ but also his new nickname ‘Mutley’. For those of you old enough to remember Mutley was Dick Dastardly’s dog in the “Stop the Pigeon” & “Wacky Races” cartoons, and would do anything for his boss if it meant that he would get a medal (“gimme gimme medal”)
To add an extra kick in the butt for our side [do you mean incentive – Ed] here is the current percentages (assuming I can add up properly) of the Racks Pack ‘proper’:
Keith 80% (8 from 10)
Neil 80% (8 from 10)
JY 80% (8 from 10)
Kev 83% (5 from 6)
Lee 50% (1 from 2)
Brad 0% (0 from 0)
Can you feel the love???
Facing four of our last five matches away from home is going to make it even more difficult (if that were possible) to drag in somebody to fill the inevitable gaps. But with five wins from five we can afford the odd slip up. I’ve no idea who is behind us in the league as the league website hasn't been updated for weeks. Come on chaps, if I can find an hour or two to write this dirge [It takes you over an hour to produce this filth? – Ed], then surely the scores can be put on weekly [as oppose to weakly – Ed]
*Coming Soon*
On a final note, your blog hosts K&K have been busy in the last few weeks, gathering thoughts, opinions and tips from the great and good of UK Pool, and no, I’m not just talking about Robert Uzzell. We are hoping to have our exclusive interviews with these luminaries of the modern game on the site pretty soon, and hopefully another mailbag as my sub-vice-zwitter-in-waiting-‘always the bridesmaid never the bride’-under-captain informs me that his sack is bulging and needs airing.
Ciao.
I don't think I need to write this bumbling rubbish anymore. I’ve discovered that every weekly report starts with the same thing, but like a suburban swingers orgy there’s something warm and friendly about it all. So let me just clear my throat and start this weeks blog on our match with Woodlands Park …..urrhrgh urghhghh…[cough]…Ahem...
So we were going to have six players for the first time ever and I could finally relax for change. Or so I thought. The next thing I get a text message from Lee saying he can’t make it and we are down to five. Brad had rung me on the Sunday to tell me that he would be there and how it would be good to play again, but seeing as he was not in the building and it was 7:45 I was starting to have my doubts.
It’s a sorry state of affairs when Brad doesn't even bother making up some lie about picking up his boss – these days he just doesn't bother turning up. JY texted him about 8:30 to find out where he was and got the reply “somewhere outside hemel – was trying to get back but don't think I’ll make it”!
An emergency phone call went out to James Harness, who again showed superb commitment and even better parenting skills by agreeing to play a couple of frames for us while his daughter propped up the bar. A true Harness. As for the extra player we needed, well, why break the habits of a season by having someone on standby , we were just going to wing it and grab someone from the bar.
I kicked off proceedings and made it 1-0. Kev took out another good finish for 2-0. As the black went down James turned up to bail us out, but asked if he could play his matches as soon as possible. After JY ran away with his match for 3-0, everything was looking rosy.
*Whose frame is it anyway*
So now it was time for our now weekly round of “Whose Frame Is It Anyway”. I’m thinking of turning this into a regular blog competition that you can write in for. We’ll give away a prize if someone can guess the correct order in which we played our frames.
On the team sheet James was in sixth spot to give him plenty of time to get there. But with his daughter in tow, we moved his sixth frame up to fourth to get his first one in. He duly made it 4-0 with this weeks winner of ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’. Trying to get his frame over in the quickest possibly time he slammed everything. His opponent then decided to leave the white on the bottom cushion and the black on the top one to slow him down. This was sheer folly on his part as James was up out of the seat before the balls had stopped rolling and had smashed the double in while his opponent was still walking back to his team mates and talking about what a great safety he had played!
Because James wanted to go as quickly as possible (and who wouldn't after that double) we played his second half, position seven frame next. But he couldn't perform to his previous high-flair standard, lost, grabbed his daughter who had sat politely at the bar and left.
Then it was back to the original running order with frame four, where ‘Magic 105.4’ was hoping to carry on his good recent form. It wasn't to be. In fairness he was up against a talented player. The Woodlands Park guy had everything a great pool player needs - except any kind of decent positional sense, potting ability, tactical skills or decent cue action – in other words, he owned a cue! 4-2
While this was going on Kevin had been ‘circulating’ looking for this weeks mystery guest who would end up playing twice. In the best traditions of ‘The Reputation’ he came back with a woman on his arm. Anne-Marie Hamilton started the evening wondering if her boyfriend would get a game for the over subscribed team of Dom Taylor, and finished it playing for the under subscribed but vastly more talented and better looking Racks Pack. Complete with 6 month old child she became the latest debutant for the Racks Pack.
Truthful to her talents Anne-Marie told us that she couldn't break but could pot a bit. She proved the first part of that statement when she broke, dislodged a sole red from the front of the pack, and went in-off via the side cushion. The second part was in no danger of being disproved as the Woodlands Park player needed no second invitation and cleared up pretty quickly. 4-3 and with Anne having to play again in the second half our 100% record was looking in danger.
Now for all of you in the “Whose frame is it anyway” competition, you will remember that James had already played seventh, so Anne-Marie went straight back in at number eight. That makes this weeks winning numbers:
1 – 2 – 3 – 6 – 7 – 4 – 5 – 8 - 9 – 10 – 11 – 12
If you had those numbers be sure to contact us on the racks pack email address to collect your signed photo of ‘The Reputation’ in his one of his ‘ladies night’ shirts. Truly a thoughtful gift for that special lady in your life.
Back to the action, and with Anne-Marie having lost again the score was 4-4. We needed to win three of the final four frames to scrape a victory. We didn’t need me to play like a monopoly set that had half the pieces missing, but I got away with it. 5-4
JY was monstrous yet again, and after Kev and Neil both secured there second wins of the evening, the score looked far more comfortable than it was at 8-4.
So our 100% record is intact, and it’s 5 wins from 5 so far. Given the personnel problems we’ve had, it’s a miracle in itself.
*Half-time*
Having mocked Dom’s team (and rightly so) for having so many players, I took a role call of who we have used this season, and scarily enough it’s TEN.
Keith, Kevin, Neil, JY, Lee, Will (Graham), Justina, Anne-Marie, James, John Cornell and his wife Sharon.
So we’re ten-up, and that doesn't include Brad, who is bound to turn up in the last game of the season to ensure that he gets a trophy. This would help justify not only his reputation as ‘the most hated man in pool’ but also his new nickname ‘Mutley’. For those of you old enough to remember Mutley was Dick Dastardly’s dog in the “Stop the Pigeon” & “Wacky Races” cartoons, and would do anything for his boss if it meant that he would get a medal (“gimme gimme medal”)
To add an extra kick in the butt for our side [do you mean incentive – Ed] here is the current percentages (assuming I can add up properly) of the Racks Pack ‘proper’:
Keith 80% (8 from 10)
Neil 80% (8 from 10)
JY 80% (8 from 10)
Kev 83% (5 from 6)
Lee 50% (1 from 2)
Brad 0% (0 from 0)
Can you feel the love???
Facing four of our last five matches away from home is going to make it even more difficult (if that were possible) to drag in somebody to fill the inevitable gaps. But with five wins from five we can afford the odd slip up. I’ve no idea who is behind us in the league as the league website hasn't been updated for weeks. Come on chaps, if I can find an hour or two to write this dirge [It takes you over an hour to produce this filth? – Ed], then surely the scores can be put on weekly [as oppose to weakly – Ed]
*Coming Soon*
On a final note, your blog hosts K&K have been busy in the last few weeks, gathering thoughts, opinions and tips from the great and good of UK Pool, and no, I’m not just talking about Robert Uzzell. We are hoping to have our exclusive interviews with these luminaries of the modern game on the site pretty soon, and hopefully another mailbag as my sub-vice-zwitter-in-waiting-‘always the bridesmaid never the bride’-under-captain informs me that his sack is bulging and needs airing.
Ciao.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Week 4 Captains Report - Home versus The Golden Cross
Una Cervaza Por Favour!
Despite knowing the hassle I've had, and despite having to help me through the pain-in-the-ass problems of scratching a side together every week, you would think my second in command would know better. But incredibly, after the usual Monday night slating of all the absent players, an email drops on my desk Thursday morning from the vice-sub-underling-by order of the royal garter-second in command, saying:
“by the way , forgot to tell you , Im on holiday next Monday and cant make it”
Terrific, here we go again.
I'm starting to think that there must be a pool team abroad that they are all playing for instead! I've got Kev in Spain, Lee still in Spain , Leo was in Spain last week and Brad is supposedly in Falaraki! Did we qualify for some sort of European UEFA cup of pool and no one told me about it? Have they all sloped off and are playing for the Thatched Cottage?
So off we go again on the phonecalls. Fortunately John ‘Crucial’ Cornell was available but not on time - he wasn't going to be there until nearly 9PM. Leo was going to be there around the same time once he had finished his dinner.
Of course we had our new signing, the all singing and all dancing James “he’s our hero” Harness. Doing the decent thing he abandoned his child to her grandparents in order to make Monday night pool (You other ‘holiday’ monkeys could learn a thing or two!).
So we had six!!! A round of applause please……
Neil and I got to Racks around 6:30pm and it was empty. We tried to get the middle table but the barman said “Sorry, Dom Taylor has pre-booked that for him and his team. You’ll have to take another one.”
“Cant you give it to us anyway, he’s not here and we wont tell him or his team.”
“I'm ON Doms team!”
Oh good grief!
8pm rolled around and we started our top of the table clash with the Golden Cross of Twyford. That catweazle fella who is always at their pub hadn’t made the journey.
We were off and running and I made short work of the first frame thanks to a nice split off the break. James took the second and JY raced through the third and we were 3-0 up. Unfortunately it was only 8:20 and Leo and ‘Crucial’ Cornell hadn’t appeared. We were in danger of Neil winning the next one too quickly and then having to forfeit two frames because of only having four players!! Unbelievable.
Some fine captaincy had to come into play. I hid one of the balls claiming that one was stuck in the table and Neil ran off to toilets saying that he needed a dump and that may be some time. Finally after ten minutes we either had to start the frame or they were going to call an ambulance for Neil as he was in there so long.
With only a few balls left it was looking dodgy but ‘Crucial’ arrived in the nick of time and Neil cracked in a superb long black to put us 4-0 up.
John went straight on and lost to ‘Flair shot of the week’ as, for the third time this season, one of our opponents somehow hit a trebled black into a corner pocket.
Meanwhile Leo had arrived and he went on to maintain his 100% record by not only winning his first frame , but going on early in the second half and taking that one as well. He wont be available next week as the Racks Pack are going to enter him instead in Chicago Rock Cafe's “Maidenhead's Got Talent” competition.
Back on the baize James “he's only half a hero now” Harness lost his frame but it set up ‘Crucial’ Cornell for the match winner and he made no mistake once his opponent made six of them.
JY saved himself from registering a double doughnut (0 0) by making it 8-2 and ‘Magic’ Cameron made it 9-2.
It was just left to me to make the score respectable, but there was never any danger of that from the moment I went in off on the break and handed it to them. In fairness to myself I did introduce “Larry the Launch” into my repertoire just to get the frame finished as quick as possible so we could carrying on drinking and playing on the free pool table!
9-3, top of the heap, kings of the hills, the top dogs, the head cheese, the numero uno honchos ….etc etc …
It was all finished by 9:40pm and while we played on we were able to watch the match on the other table between Dom's Racks side and Scott Oliver's Cookham Social Club. CSC came through a tight struggle to keep their hopes of qualifying alive. It was played in a fine spirit with handshakes all round at the end – that part of it took longer than the match itself by the time all of Doms team had a shake.
Next week we are at home to those giants of the game – Woodlands Park. Also, it's time to introduce the captain to a whole new experience – having six players available. Neil, Kev, JY, Brad, Lee and myself should all be there.
‘Should be’ but somehow I doubt it...
Despite knowing the hassle I've had, and despite having to help me through the pain-in-the-ass problems of scratching a side together every week, you would think my second in command would know better. But incredibly, after the usual Monday night slating of all the absent players, an email drops on my desk Thursday morning from the vice-sub-underling-by order of the royal garter-second in command, saying:
“by the way , forgot to tell you , Im on holiday next Monday and cant make it”
Terrific, here we go again.
I'm starting to think that there must be a pool team abroad that they are all playing for instead! I've got Kev in Spain, Lee still in Spain , Leo was in Spain last week and Brad is supposedly in Falaraki! Did we qualify for some sort of European UEFA cup of pool and no one told me about it? Have they all sloped off and are playing for the Thatched Cottage?
So off we go again on the phonecalls. Fortunately John ‘Crucial’ Cornell was available but not on time - he wasn't going to be there until nearly 9PM. Leo was going to be there around the same time once he had finished his dinner.
Of course we had our new signing, the all singing and all dancing James “he’s our hero” Harness. Doing the decent thing he abandoned his child to her grandparents in order to make Monday night pool (You other ‘holiday’ monkeys could learn a thing or two!).
So we had six!!! A round of applause please……
Neil and I got to Racks around 6:30pm and it was empty. We tried to get the middle table but the barman said “Sorry, Dom Taylor has pre-booked that for him and his team. You’ll have to take another one.”
“Cant you give it to us anyway, he’s not here and we wont tell him or his team.”
“I'm ON Doms team!”
Oh good grief!
8pm rolled around and we started our top of the table clash with the Golden Cross of Twyford. That catweazle fella who is always at their pub hadn’t made the journey.
We were off and running and I made short work of the first frame thanks to a nice split off the break. James took the second and JY raced through the third and we were 3-0 up. Unfortunately it was only 8:20 and Leo and ‘Crucial’ Cornell hadn’t appeared. We were in danger of Neil winning the next one too quickly and then having to forfeit two frames because of only having four players!! Unbelievable.
Some fine captaincy had to come into play. I hid one of the balls claiming that one was stuck in the table and Neil ran off to toilets saying that he needed a dump and that may be some time. Finally after ten minutes we either had to start the frame or they were going to call an ambulance for Neil as he was in there so long.
With only a few balls left it was looking dodgy but ‘Crucial’ arrived in the nick of time and Neil cracked in a superb long black to put us 4-0 up.
John went straight on and lost to ‘Flair shot of the week’ as, for the third time this season, one of our opponents somehow hit a trebled black into a corner pocket.
Meanwhile Leo had arrived and he went on to maintain his 100% record by not only winning his first frame , but going on early in the second half and taking that one as well. He wont be available next week as the Racks Pack are going to enter him instead in Chicago Rock Cafe's “Maidenhead's Got Talent” competition.
Back on the baize James “he's only half a hero now” Harness lost his frame but it set up ‘Crucial’ Cornell for the match winner and he made no mistake once his opponent made six of them.
JY saved himself from registering a double doughnut (0 0) by making it 8-2 and ‘Magic’ Cameron made it 9-2.
It was just left to me to make the score respectable, but there was never any danger of that from the moment I went in off on the break and handed it to them. In fairness to myself I did introduce “Larry the Launch” into my repertoire just to get the frame finished as quick as possible so we could carrying on drinking and playing on the free pool table!
9-3, top of the heap, kings of the hills, the top dogs, the head cheese, the numero uno honchos ….etc etc …
It was all finished by 9:40pm and while we played on we were able to watch the match on the other table between Dom's Racks side and Scott Oliver's Cookham Social Club. CSC came through a tight struggle to keep their hopes of qualifying alive. It was played in a fine spirit with handshakes all round at the end – that part of it took longer than the match itself by the time all of Doms team had a shake.
Next week we are at home to those giants of the game – Woodlands Park. Also, it's time to introduce the captain to a whole new experience – having six players available. Neil, Kev, JY, Brad, Lee and myself should all be there.
‘Should be’ but somehow I doubt it...
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