Greeting fellow cueists.
This weeks match was a derby, pitting two former racks teams against each other at their new home, The Bear. The first match was a closely fought affair, ending in a gratifying 7-5 victory for the pack. We knew Michael "The Wizard" Tizzard was a no-show for this game ("I'm broke"), but with the prodigious but unpredictable talents of Wonder Walls taking his place on the rackspack roster I felt confident that we could open our legs and show our class. Another no-show was "Grinder" Greenwood who was last seen single handedly running the Greenwood sandwich empire after his father's recent operation.
Their was a buzz of anticipation about the pre-match practice. Brad was dishing up John almost at will, and Keith was dishing up almost everyone else. After two showboat dishes in the last match at NMCC, surely the Showboat would go again this week! With two pounds in Justina (the showboat piggy bank) and six tight-wads waiting to find out who was first to have a crack at the money Coach Southam made the eagerly totally random draw, and Neil was up first, followed by JY, Brad, Hokey Cokey Shiel, Coach himself and finally Wonder Walls. No one was pleased to see the boy Walls at the arse-end of the first half draw, no one except Mr Walls that is. Having been banging in the clearences in practice he showed what a truly classy man he is by promising to donate his showboat winnings to the Dean Godwin charitable foundation for little guys.
Sad to say but after the buzz of the random draw the match itself was very much a case of after the lord mayor's show as Baron Staples, Steve Newell, Tony Baxter, Giles Denney, Mike Bisset and Jon Williamson all succumbed to the awesome power of the pack. 6-0 at the end of the first half and all that remained was John Shiel to seal the victory in the seventh frame of the evening against Steve Newell and the pack were once again on the march.
The match was done and dusted by 10PM and ended in a 9-3 victory for the pack, with Wonder, Brad and Coach Southam all losing in the second half.
More importantly than the score, y'all want to know who claimed the showboat! No-one! The only attempt of note was by Coach Slugger Southam who managed to get on the last two balls, and then miss his next pot by so much that what started as a attempted cut in the top corner ended as a double off two balls into the middle pocket. What followed was the worst shot of the evening as Coach attempted a cut-double on his last red that he hit so fine that the ref had to borrow the hot-spot cricket camera off Sky Sports to make sure a contact had been made.
There was one clearance of note in the match. Giles Denney, who in the first half against John Hokey-Cokey Shiel looked like he couldn't clear a dinner table, produced what can only be described as the best clearance this reporter has ever seen. Full of subtle flicks and deflections, it was the kind of clearance that would have you wishing it was against someone else. The recipient of this lesson in pool was Brad, who left the table mumbling something about Giles being a "'orrible man" and "how can I be the most hated man in pool after that!". Being as gracious as ever, and reflecting on the fact that Brad had only put 95p into the pot instead of the requisite £1, Coach Southam made Giles an honourary member of Club Showboat and donated £1 to Giles!
So the Showboat is a roll-over (£13) and we go into the last week of the league format of the summer season wondering what to do with the showboat if no-one wins it next week. Bradley suggested putting the money behind the bar, but seeing as he arrives at our Monday night home fixtures on Sunday evening that was a no-go. Keith suggested a convoluted one frame knock-out competition, and Coach Southam suggested he would "look after" the money until next season. None of these ideas was really ideal, so we throwing the question open to you, the Rackspack readers, to come up with some ideas what we can do with the money. Email your answers to rackspack@hotmail.co.uk.
Into The Mailbox
In preparation for your answers, we've been into the mailbox this week to clear out all the spam. In amongst the willy cream, porn mail and offers from Nigerian Emperors to help them with some unreleased funds there were some useful ones.
---------------------------------------
Hey Rackspack
Are you the pool version of the England football team ?
Is this going to be yet another season where you go on and on and on about how great you are and how you’re going to win this thing, but then once you’ve qualified and it gets to the serious knockout stages you collapse in a pile of hype? If so can you just get on with it and save us all the time and trouble.
Cheers,
Hugh Mather-Farquar
---------------------------------------
K&K – What can we say Hugh? This time, more than any other time, this time, we'll get it right. It’s coming home. There’s only one way to beat them, get round the back, etc, etc
-------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack, yeah
My mate yeah, er, let’s call him…Andy...well, he keeps gettin stuffed by Maurice Sheehan. It’s appening neerly every week yeah. Wot can I do to stop it as its getting embarrasing 4 him wot?
I is er, I mean he is a really grate player normally and you know dat you bitches.
Mandy Brant err Grant
-------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack
I’ve been reading with some interest the problems you are having being forced to endure the frames of John "Hokey Cokey" Shiels frames this season and I have a suggestion. Whilst performing certain "activities" in the bedroom, the wife and I insist on having a 'safe word' that one of us can call out when things start getting too painful. Once the safe word is yelled, all actions have to stop until we have agreed that it is ok to continue again. Might I suggest you use the approach when watching HC ??
yours
Keiron D. Community
-------------------------------------------
K&K - An inspired email. Certainly we here at Rackspack towers are starting to feel sorry for our “Nobby Styles” as we have to sit through frame after frame waiting for John to demo his famous clearances. From now on if it starts getting really painful we will start shouting "EPSOM SALTS!" and demand a clearance attempt!
-------------------------------------------
Bonjour mes ami
I wonder if you can help me with a small problem. Next month will see the last matches of the World cup qualifying groups. I am worried that some of my friends and their countries wont make it and will have to go into the play-offs. Portugal, Germany, Russia, even my beloved France might have to play off. Now I don’t want them to draw each other and have difficult games to get through - I want them to draw the smaller teams so that they can win easy and generate more money for me. The only way to do this is to somehow rig the draw but we have done this before and we are running out of ideas on how to get away with it. After reading what Coach Southam did with the showboat selection the other week, would he mind helping me out? I will contact you soon.
Bon Chance
Michel Platini
Head of UEFA
PS there will be a brown envelope on your desk in the morning.
-------------------------------------------
K&K - Michel, no one knows how he did it and the Coach certainly isn’t letting on, but these days even Derren Brown is taking lessons from the master of sleight of hand.
---------------------------------------
Dears Rackspack or whatever it is you call yourselves.
Stop giving us a bad name or we will sue you !!
Dwayne Pipe
Chief Legal officer, Kripsy Kreme
U.S.A.
----------------------------------------------
K&K - We'll stop using your Krispy Kreme name as soon as John Hokey-Cokey Shiel starts winning games and you stop invading oil-rich countries under the pretence of international security!
---------------------------------------
Dears Rackspack,
I demand a clarification on what exactly you mean by a showboat clearance. In the last home game report you reported that I went for an impossible clearance when all I did was break and come up dry!
Yours, the most hated man in pool after Giles Denney,
Brad
----------------------------------------------
K&K - thanks for getting in touch Brad. The dubious clearance attempts committee has been in sitting this week and have adjudged that a Johnny dry-break is technically impossible to clear up from, therefore qualifies as an impossible clearance!
Remember, you can get in touch at rackspack@hotmail.co.uk! Next weeks home game is the last league game so do let us know what we can do with the showboat money!
Happy cueing!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment