Match Report - Quarter Final versus Thatched Cottage

Every now and then the sporting gods decide to give someone or some team a chance to right a previous wrong. For example, Stuart Pearce missed a penalty in the 1990 World Cup and then six years later, in front of 90,000 people at Wembley Stadium, scores the penalty against Spain to put England into the semis of Euro 96.

Four years ago Colin Montgomery stood over (and made) the putt to win Europe the Ryder Cup having taken so much stick from the American “fans” that his dad walked off the course, unable to listen to it.

Easily making my top 5 sporting moments was Goran Ivanisevic winning Wimbledon in 2001. Having lost in three finals (twice to Sampras and once to Andre Agassi), he was a 150-1 no-hoper at the start of the tournament. Two weeks later, and after a last service game that was quite incredible, he beat Pat Rafter to finally take the title and exorcise the demons.

Maybe, just maybe, the sporting gods have handed the Racks Pack a similar opportunity…

Exorcising the Demons

After falling at the quarter final hurdle two years running we really couldn’t have picked a worse team to play in the quarters than the Thatched Cottage. The form was with them – they had beaten us the previous week - and we knew it was going to be tough. I had a feeling that we could be heading for yet another 7-6 decider.

There was a fire roaring away in the smokers area as we arrived at the TC so I wrote down “7-6” on a piece of paper and threw it into the blaze…

“Oh ye gods I demand you lift this curse from the pack!!”



JY “the Cinderella man” said that he could make it but wouldn’t be available for the second half. So Coach decided that it was probably easier to give him the night off and replaced him with The Slugger. Kev's ceaseless quest to attend every lap-dancing bar in Western Europe had prevented him from playing in last weeks loss to The TC, but he returned to the fold with wind his sails, chalk on his tip and lead in his pencil.

The first six frames were all nip and tuck. Coach should have been beat in the opener but Vinny made a terrible mess on the match-winning ball and then gave away two shots. John did his version of “Go your own way” with a bizarre set of shot selections but managed to get the job done and we took an undeserving lead. 1-0

The Slugger returned the favour in the next when he rather unfortunately left himself with only a tough long yellow and snookered on his other last ball one over the pocket. After missing the pot John Molley needed no second invitation and levelled the match. 1-1

Lol looked like being in command in the third frame until failing on his last ball. It left The Wonder with five reds and a black that were dispatched accordingly. 2-1

Uzzell then dug in against Magic with a street-wise performance of safety and potting and we were all square again at 2-2.

The Bear was up against Dog in the winner-takes-all, animal nicknames encounter, and the money for the favourite was landed when Brad put the hound down. Once Farrah beat Lee in the sixth frame it was 3-3 on the night and you just felt that there was a last frame decider on its way again.

A Racks Pack team huddle round the hotdogs and roast potatoes began. The order for the second half was now becoming quite crucial and everyone pitched in with a plan, including Andy Brant. Yes, THAT Andy Brant! Where there’s free food you find this half of the Right Said Fred of Thames Valley Pool, and tonight was no exception. We settled on Keith leading out against John “Lord” Molley and was quickly onto last orders as he put in his best finish of the season. Starting with a long red from off the cushion, he then put another into the middle by flicking it in off the difficult ball on the rail. Luckily that ball poked out just enough to leave the pot on and with the black gaping he made it 4-3.

Frame eight, and in what was probably the turning point of the match Lee ‘The Grinder’ played Steve Adams. Lee has not been at his best this season (as the averages will show) but he had an inspired frame this time around, and put in a wonderful finish just when we needed it. The black rattled for a second and then dropping into the corner to add a bit more tension. We had a two frame lead and now the pressure was firmly on the opposition. 5-3

Frame nine and the best one of the night for me. There can’t be many matches where you would see two players with more under their belts than Uzzell v Brad – frames of pool we mean! With these two you know there’s a lot those belts can hold a lot in, and tonight they were stretched to breaking point. It certainly was there to be seen on the Ruzzler!

The Bear engineered a situation where he had to play a clever shot of potting one red, screwing across the table to knock in another that was covered by a yellow, and leaving himself a long black that was in the jaws at the other end of the table. Of course Uzzell knew this, and played some excellent containing shots to stop it…and a long frame of cat and mouse was played out. Eventually Robert got to a situation where he was one more visit away from a chance of turning the frame round…and Brad was forced into taking on the double pot. He played it superbly. Potting the ball over the right corner he managed to fire the white back across and knock in the one over the opposite pocket, the white then flew up the table towards the black and stopped in the only place where he couldn’t put the black in directly. Instead The Bear played the white across the table, off the side cushion and back across to hit the black along the top rail and in. Terrific shot and easily the Flair shot of the week (although not pointless).

At 6-3 we were looking good and Kev bought home the pancetta with a clinical finish. Vinny gave away two shots away and The Slugger never looked in trouble as he knocked in the final balls to give us the win. 7-3

At last we could take that monkey off our back.



So as I said at the start, it’s all about those demons. Talking of which the others Racks team AKA Racks Pack-it-in (Racks Maniacs actually, but I see what you did there – ED) got through 7-6 against Woodlands Park. Steve Cox was the Racks hero, clinching the match. It brings about the scary possibility that he might stop moaning for a change. We had to listen to him bitch about how unfair our section was, what with us, The Likely Lads, Thatched Cottage as his Earls Angels team…only to then find out he transferred to back Racks Maniacs instead!! In the second semi final they have drawn the Foresters who came from 6-3 down to defeat the Thatched Cottage A 7-6.

Also on the subject of Demons, in an interesting development in the first semi-final we are now up against BAPL. Regular readers (all two of them) will now be putting the pieces together as they realise that not only have we exorcised one demon (getting past the quarter finals) we now have the chance to exorcise a second demon by beating BAPL (they beat us in the quarter final last year) with a further possibility of exorcising a third in the final against Foresters (they beat us in the quarter finals two years ago)!

Somebody get me a ouija board, some pins and a voodoo doll!

Updated Averages

Now that the league section of the summer shin-dig is over, here are the updated averages:

RANKING	Player	Played*	Won	Win %	Team -Matches Played	Player - Matches Played	Attendance %	Total Points
1	Keith	13	11	84.6	10	7	70.0	155
2	Vic	12	10	83.3	10	7	70.0	153
3	Kevin	14	10	71.4	10	8	80.0	151
4	John S	15	9	60.0	10	9	90.0	150
4	Neil	15	9	60.0	10	9	90.0	150
6	John Y	14	9	64.3	10	8	80.0	144
7	Brad	12	10	83.3	10	6	60.0	143
8	Lee	11	6	54.5	10	7	70.0	125
9	Ben	2	2	100.0	10	1	10.0	110
		*After home match versus Thatched

Now that I am no longer top I have decided to keep the averages going through the knockout section. With John Young threatening not to come to next weeks quarter final, it's up to John S, Neil and myself to give Keith a race for top spot. It looks difficult for Brad to top the averages now, what with his loss from this week, and the fact that I am calculating the averages.


Slugger.

Match Report - Home versus The Thatched Cottage

Hoping For A Miracle.

I’m a total TV sports addict (apart from cricket!). I watch so much of the stuff is ridiculous, but when you are watching something live it’s always more fun, especially when you see some sort of cliffhanger or one-off miracle happening that will live long in the memory. My work mates’ brother went to the Liverpool - Milan Champions League final in Turkey a few years back, and left at half-time when Liverpool were 3-0 down. He and his friends were totally fed up and couldn’t face the taxi queue to get back into Istanbul centre once the match had finished. After a 30 minute cab ride into town they saw Liverpool fans running out of nearby bars screaming and shouting and the horror of what they had done dawned on them - Liverpool were back to 3-3! It was heading for extra time and the drama of what would follow, with a penalty shoot-out to decide the greatest prize in European club football, will go down in football folklore. Meanwhile, they sat in a bar watching it unfold not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

Of course watching a sporting miracle is one thing, but actually being part of that ‘miracle’ is something special, a story to tell the grandkids for years and years to come. As we arrived at Racks on Monday the question on the back pages of every sports publication in the country was “Could the Rackspack sink the Thatched Cottage 11-1, clinch the section title and create their own sporting miracle?”

We had been greeted by the news that regardless of the result we had drawn the Thatched anyway in the quarters. The only thing left to sort out was the section winner and therefore have home advantage for the knock out stages starting next Monday. Team news showed that The Slugger was away scouting burlesque houses in Paris, France but Grinder Greenwood had returned to take his place and give us the six we needed.

Having to win any pool match 11-1 is not an enviable position, but of course it was our own fault we were in this position the first place - the balls-up with the Golden Cross game had seen to that. However with Christmas rapidly approaching we were heading for that season of miracles so you never know. James “Britain's Hardest” Harness had gone from breaking two vertebrae in his back and fracturing his pelvis on the Saturday, to turning up at the Lady Haig to watch his pool team on the Thursday! Yep, these were certainly strange times and strange things were a-happening. If ever there was time for a miracle it was now.

The Miracle of the Pointless Flair Shot of the Week

We didn’t have to wait long to see it this week. Frame one, and in the battle of the two Johns, John ‘the Coach’ Shiel did his level best to screw up his frame but got let off when John ‘the Landlord’ Molley rattled a long black. It looked safe enough in the middle of the bottom cushion and the white up in the baulk end. But a length of the table double slammed into the top corner put the Racks one up. The scoreboard was up and running and with The Bear up next, the impossible was possible.

The Three Blind Men

One frame up was as close as we got, and it was downhill from here. The Bear went for a finish against Vinny, missed the double on the black and left Vinny to clear up. 1-1

Neil ‘the magic’ got beat by an inspired Farrah (2-1) and JY lost to Dog who had his own miracle when somehow escaping from a snooker and covering JYs only yellow in the process. 3-1

‘Wonder’ took Uzzell out with some ease to get us back in the game (3-2) but the comeback was short-lived as Lee lost to Lol. Lol had three easy reds left all over pockets and the black on its spot. Lee decided the finish wasn’t easy enough so after hitting his last yellow in a wild double attempt he managed to pot two of the three reds and give Lol two visits to finish if off. 4-2 down at the break and by now even a 8-4 win would not be enough, so it was just a case of damage limitation.

The Miracle of the Five Loaves and Two Fishes.

We all know how Jesus fed the crowds near Galilee with just five loaves and two fish. That’s nothing. Every week at Racks Amy somehow manages to feed two pool teams with only six slices of bread, two slices of ham and a tin of tuna - all for only six quid! If there’s ever a second coming then let’s hope the Lord doesn’t decide to start the faith in Maidenhead high street.

The Miracle of the Amazing Vanishing Man.

Despite JYs protests that he wanted to play early in the back six, Coach decided to put the big guns out first to try and get us back into the game and lay down a marker for next weeks knockout. The Wonder doubled up on the night with victory over Vinny, and in an amusing literary twist ‘The Bear’ got one over Steve ‘Grizzly’ Adams. 4-4

With the match all square it was time for us to open our legs and show our class. Unfortunately the quickest finish we could manage in the remaining four frames was by JY, who couldn’t be bothered hanging around for his frame and instead grabbed his cue and legged it. The ‘Cinderella Man’ struck again as he raced off home rather than hang about and turn into a pumpkin by half ten. It was a new and interesting variation on JY’s usual disappearing act.

While most of us were either laughing or just plain dumbstruck Coach was trying to hand Uzzell a double doughnut. Maybe the disappearance of JY to blame, or maybe just the terrible shot selection (or both) but either way Rob sent Coach packing and it was 5-4. Lol was the grateful recipient of JY’s Houdini impression and we went from 4-4 to 6-4 down in a matter of minutes.

Magic played an excellent solid frame against Dog to give us hope of the draw (6-5) but Chris Farrah struck again for his double against Lee to put us down for good. 7-5 after Lee gave away a deliberate foul only to see Chris pull out a fantastic finish for a Man of the Match performance and victory for the thatched boys.

So we taste defeat for the first time in the campaign in unusual circumstances. It’s been a bizarre few seasons. Over the years we have played and won matches having only four players, struggled at times to get even 6, and not turned up for a match by misreading the fixtures. But I don’t recall us starting with a full team and ending up giving away a frame, so we have once again broken new ground.

In the ultimate piss-take JY text late on to say he had left his coat there and could we find it for him. No doubt he was relieved we found it, which is ironic as we only placed it behind the bar after we all relieved ourselves on it.

Next Monday is the quarter finals and the draw couldn’t be tougher. If we beat the Thatched then it looks like Bracknell in the semi (if they win as expected against the Pond House). Meanwhile in the other half, Thatched A, Forresters, Woodlands Park and the other Racks side will do battle for the honour of taking home a large portion Racks Pack whoop-ass in the final.

This is our third year and our third quarter-final, surely it wont go like the last two and end up in a 7-6 defeat for the mighty Racks boys? Not three times in a row!?! What sort of horrible miracle would that be?

A clarification

We at Racks Pack Towers are not infallible. In fact we make more obvious errors than Alan Davies on QI. In this instance we're happy to provide a clarification regarding the following entry from this weeks blog:

"Secondly we at Racks Packs towers were not amused to read their admission that they knew Brad was up for the Irish in the deciding frame and that “all bets were off…Brad was going to win it”. This statement has propelled ‘The Bears’ already insufferable ego to new stratospheric heights! The final line about it being a shame either team had to lose is absolutely bang on – The Twigg were ambassadors for Bracknell pool, both on and off the table."

We have been informed by a reliable source that the name of Brad's opponent in the deciding frame of their match was ALSO called Brad. Thus the comment from the Bracknell website was a tongue-in-cheek, being as it was a pun on the fact that someone called Brad was bound to win either way.

Further investigation has that this was not the only coincidence. Not only do they have the same name, but Bracknell's Brad also has up to four girlfriends at any one time, uses the word c**t too much, and has a lady's night wing-man called Slugger.

Astonishing.

K&K

Match Report - Away versus The Likely Lads

Before we get to this weeks drivel and really get our teeth into Kevin’s horrendous performance we had better mention a couple of other things that have happened this week.

Firstly some bad news. James “Britain’s Hardest” Harness was knocked off his motorbike on Saturday and is currently strapped to a bed in a Surrey hospital. A couple of broken vertebrae and a fractured pelvis doesn’t sound too good but it could have been a lot worse. The Racks Pack doctor advises us that such injuries could badly affect his ability to play pool...or should that be his ability to play pool badly. Either way, we wish him a full and speedy recovery.

If you have any stories or messages to pass on to James, you can email them to us and we will get them to him. James played for us last summer and all of us at Racks have known and played with him many times over the last 15-20 years.

Next up we have a link to the Bracknell and Ascot website, where you’ll find their version of events from the recent Champion of Champion qualifiers. Seeing as I gave my view a few blog entries ago, I thought that it only fair to give them a right to reply.

Click on http://www.bracknellascotpool.com/latestnews.html and scroll down to the “Gypos slay the Haig” headline.

In the report of the match against the Irish Club a couple of things standoiut. Firstly their description of the decider, and more precisely how they thought that “the table had come to the rescue of the Irish”. It’s quite funny and probably tongue-in-cheek, but they have completely missed the point. Brad deliberately left his oppo a pot knowing full well he had no hope of getting on his last ball. The guy was suckered in and played the shot anyway, and of course didn’t get on it and subsequently lost the match. Secondly we at Racks Packs towers were not amused to read their admission that they knew Brad was up for the Irish in the deciding frame and that “all bets were off…Brad was going to win it”. This statement has propelled ‘The Bears’ already insufferable ego to new stratospheric heights! The final line about it being a shame either team had to lose is absolutely bang on – The Twigg were ambassadors for Bracknell pool, both on and off the table.

The account of the game versus The Lady Haig also raised a smile here in Racks Pack Towers. I particularly enjoyed the part mocking the bloke in the long coat – seeing as a couple of the “Gypos” dropped their load when approaching him at the end of the match – one of them with a clenched fist. Other than that, the most glaring error on the page is that it fails to mention their subsequent disqualification for fielding an illegal player.

An interesting aside, it wasn’t until I read their report that I realised how strong the rivalry is between the Bracknell and Slough teams. The Irish Club have easily been the best side in the county for the last decade (even if you say so yourself – ED), however it has to be said we’ve lost our edge lacking, as we do, any serious competition in the area. The match against The Twigg was just the kick in the arse that we needed to pull our fingers out and put in a top performance. That sort of competition between the top sides is needed and hopefully that will encourage the B&A players to keep getting better and help strengthen the county side for next season. It’s a shame that the Irish Club will be disbanding as it brings to an end a golden era of pool at the Irish club.

There could well be a whole blog entry dedicated to the subject if only to allow me to reminisce about some great times and wallow in self indulgence.

Before my mind wanders, let’s move swiftly on to this weeks match report against The Likely Lads.

What became of the Likely Lads?

Thanks to a combination of bye weeks, teams being ejected and of course gross stupidity, none of the Racks Pack had swung a cue in anger for a month. None, that is, apart from Bradley who seems to be aiming for a new pool endurance record playing, as he does, every other day of the week. Taking into account Maidenhead on a Monday, Slough league on Thursdays, Interleague at Chiswick on a Sunday, a recent county match against Surrey and also the Interleague knockout finals in Yarmouth, surely it’s only a matter of time before he tops the averages somewhere. All this is just a typical few weeks pool in the life of the big fella.

All this pool must have taken it’s toll on the bear, as earlier on Monday afternoon he had text Slugger angling for a lift to pool that night, but instead ended up driving and picking him up! Our match was away at The Pond House, and as usual the rest of us had met up at racks for some practice.

It was Coach Shiels’ birthday, and to help him celebrate he had bought Mrs Coach along. She was in the mood for a night of top class pool and entertainment, but must have been sorely disappointed to find out that we were playing the Likely Lads.

To have almost any hope of clinching the divisional title, we needed a big win over the Likely Lads allied to some kind of miracle/shock result in the game between The Thatched Cottage and Earls Angels. Only these two events in unison would set up a ‘winner takes all’ decider with the TC at our place next Monday. Of course Triple T (Terry The Turncoat) was also aware of this and, like the incontinent uncle at the family birthday, would do all he could to spoil the party.

Leading off was our man at the top of the averages, ‘Slugger’ versus Steve ‘she wanted more’ Carmichael. Kevin had already said on a number of occasions how much he enjoys playing the ‘Aslan of the green baize’, although by now probably not as much as Steve enjoys playing Kev. He of the golden mane beat our own fair-haired fop for the second time in two matches. 0-1

The Bear must have been ‘all pooled out’ as he lost to Andos Brant who hit a cracking black up the rail to put the LL 2-0 up, and dancing Danny Raj outlasted the Coach in a tactical finish as they raced into a commanding 3-0 lead.

By now the idea of us registering a big victory to keep pace in the section was now out the window, and instead it was becoming a case of just trying to avoid an embarrassing thrashing. The comeback began when ‘the Wonder’ beat Maurice Dingley, despite missing an 8-ball finish with a shocking in-off from his second last yellow [shocking as in it took you that long in the frame to go in-off – ED]. 3-1

The comeback was short-lived when Magic lost out to Triple T, who pulled off one of the most outrageous, all time great, fluked safety shots, jawing the white ball in the top corner pocket and leaving Magic snookered on the black thanks to a red in the middle of the table. Triple T polished the game off when he got two shots and Magic was left cursing another loss. 4-1

JY clawed a frame back for us against Pat, who made a terrible mistake sinking the white with the frame at his mercy. At the break it was 4-2.

What was needed now was a few of our top people to pull their thumbs out and stop playing like men with no thumbs. The Bear did just that, handing Pat a second loss in two frames (and a fourth loss out of four against us this season) and JY, fearing a hatchet job when his upcoming profile is published notched his second win on the night to draw us level. 4-4

In the next Andos Brant lost the white ball to give your truly two visits, and I produced the Dish of the Day with a visit to spare to haul the Rackspack ahead for the first time in the match. 5-4

All momentum was with the RP and we were looking unstoppable. We thought there was light at the end of the tunnel after all, but the light turned out to be that of an oncoming train as The Slugger had his pants pulled down and his arse spanked by a gleeful Steve Carmichael. With a plant lined up to take the frame his arm wrote a cheque that his ability couldn’t cash and the red stayed up over the pocket allowing ‘Aslan’ to level it up at 5-5. We put out an order for ‘Two bagels to go’ for The Slugger and they delivered.

Needing both the last two to win it my money wouldn’t have been on Magic to beat Danny. Magic has had almost no run of the balls this season, and his task wasn’t made any easier by me putting Fleetwood Mac’s “Go your own way” on the jukebox just a he was putting in his first clearance attempt. He was unlucky to just nudge his last red behind a yellow but recovered to put it over a pocket. Than, after potting the red and surviving a snooker on the black the bad run he had been getting went out the window as he came off the side cushion to escape a snooker, crashed into the black and managed to slam it into the middle pocket. 6-5

And so the scene was set for birthday boy Coach Shiel to go out and win the match for us and with it the love of his woman. Frankly he owed us for the debacle of missing the Golden Cross fixture a few weeks earlier, and with Mrs Coach in attendance everything was poised for him to repay both team and wife. A couple of misfires, some lucky leaves, and a miss from Triple T gave Coach a long black for the win. It rattled in the jaws of the pocket, thought about it, and subsequently decided that since it was his birthday it would finally drop just when we all thought it was staying up. 7-5 and the victory was ours.

So we escaped with the 3 points but really three points and a 7-5 win wasn’t enough. The Thatched won 10-2 some quick calculations on Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair tell us that we need to win at least 11-1 next Monday to nick the section. Unlikely but lest we forget…we are not simply men - we are Racks Pack!!

Player Profile Special - Kevin Southam & Keith Walls

By popular demand, and to satisfy the lust of our legions of female admirers, here are the long-awaited and much anticipated player profiles of Messrs Southam & Walls:

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Name:
Kevin Southam

Nickname:
“Slugger”. Back in the day his league doubles partner was a 18 stone nightclub bouncer called Jason Brown. “Slugger” was the only one who ever got away with slagging him off if he messed up.

Age:
35

Weight:
78 KGs, consisting of 90% McDonalds & 10% Water.

Job:
As co-founder and CEO of Rackspack Incorporated, and Chief Editor of rackspack.blogspot.com, he’s the man to please if you DON’T want your name to appear online.

Fav food:
Pizza.

Fav drink:
Chilled red wine.

Fav woman:
Wife. After that it’s not possible to pick just one.

Fav music:
Anything Keith doesn’t like or has in fact heard of.

He says:
“I don’t have my hair cut – I have it ‘styled’. That’s the difference between me and you”

They say:
With his boyish good looks, understated sartorial elegance, and an uncanny ability to turn on the charm for the ladies, this cue wielding fop is the Hugh Grant of local league pool.

K&K say:
It wouldn’t be the same without him. It might be better, but it wouldn’t be the same.

Where you might find him:
In Smokey Joe’s before anyone else has arrived.

Where you wont find him:
Working out at the gym. He goes five times a week but never actually makes it past the smoothie bar.

One more thing:
It’s a little known fact that Kevin is a body double of World Darts Star Mark ‘flash’ Dudbridge:

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Name:
Keith Walls

Nickname:
In a long career the self-named “mayor of flair” has been known as “Wonder”, “Wallis”, “The Duke Of Fluke” , “On Drugs Clearance” , “Ice Cream Man”, “Sausages” etc.

Age:
35

Weight:
So low that his weight actually doubles if he is walking in the rain wearing a wool jumper.

Job:
Chief creative contributor of Rackspack.blogspot.com; Chairman of the pointless flair shot of the week adjudication committee; Moral compass of Kevin Southam (God help him).

Fav food:
Gerbil. Deep fried preferably.

Fav drink:
The black stuff.

Fav woman:
Partner Hannah & daughter Leah.

Fav Shot:
The pointless drag shot. Feared many times, miscued many more.

Fav music:
Anything and everything you have never heard of.

He says:
Far too much for his own good when hes had too many Guinness.

They say:
If only they could get a word in edgeways…

K&K say:
What can one say about Keith? Take a dose of flair, a pinch of charisma, a dash of gay abandon and a large portion of bombay duck (luck) and you have the ingredients of a legend in Thames Valley pool.

Where you might find him:
On the terraces at Croke Park cheering on the Irish Football team

Where you wont find him:
On the terraces at the next world cup cheering on the Ireland football team

One more thing:
A big Liverpool fan, Keith’s favourite players are Luis Garcia and Dirk Kuyt.

Where you should find him:
At a Just For Men convention

Special Match Report - Home versus Farmers Rats, Away versus Golden Cross, Home versus The Rose

Match Report Special - Bye Bye Baby

Oh dear.

After cruising through the early stages of the season with surprisingly few alarms, and in what will be the first of two grammar lessons this week (mixed metaphor anyone?), the house of cards came home to roost this week. It all started with me getting beaten. Not just beaten, but stuffed. Not just beaten and stuffed, but beaten and stuffed twice in one night. It ended the following week with us having to forfeit our game with the Golden Cross after not one of us had the brains to read the fixture list properly - we thought we had a bye.

So as slugger’s favourite singer Julie Andrews would say, let’s start at the very beginning – a very good place to start.

Match Report – Home versus Farmers Rats

The mists of time are parting, and it’s a warm autumnal evening at our match with the Farmers Boy. I had returned fresh from behind the Iron Curtain eager to impress a non-interested public.

With the halfway averages just published by The Slugger I was boasting an impressive unbeaten record – surely it was a case of just who was going to be ‘the Wonders’ next victim?

My opponents of late had been chewed up and spat out in a blur of 8 ball finishes, and the next lamb to the slaughter was Graham Webb.

Shaking like an 8 stone man in the shower room of a maximum security prison, as he prepared to break off he must have been fearing the worst. From the break he sunk a couple of balls – surely out of desperation to avoid the whitewash. When my visit came I approached the table knowing that it was a matter of laying the snooker and waiting for the two shots. I rolled up behind the yellow perfectly and strode confidently away. Bradley Bear was refereeing. I looked at him with a knowing “Ohh yeah - get that ‘W’ ready” and I was surprised to see a look on his face that was more “was that it?” then “oh yeah that’s it”.

“What the f… was that? You forgot to hit a cushion you twat!”

“Cushion?“

“Foul, two visits reds”

Yep - even after all the millions of frames I’ve played I forgot to hit a cushion and had just rolled up behind my ball in the middle of the table. What a bell-end.

Graham cleared up and I got done.

All that was left now was for the rest of the team to win every frame and nail my hide to the wall. The Bear took out Richard Meadows, Vic (in his farewell performance before going to the University Of Tax Dodging) defeated Albie Blackman, JY beat Mark Hedges, and the Coach put away Rich Hurley – who, disappointingly, had left the tight shorts at home. The Coach ending the four game losing streak he had racked up in stunning fashion.

Even ‘Magic’ got his act together and won! Could it be that the pain of my loss and the potential for ritual humiliation had somehow galvanised the team into a 11-Wonder victory?

The Coach made a classic move in the second half. Rather than drop me like a Racks Sandwich he opted to put me on last instead. Would I bounce back, like the aforementioned dropped racks sandwich, or would I suffer the ultimate in ‘double doughnut’ embarrassment with a second loss?

All looked to be going to plan as The Slugger started stroking balls on his way to a neat finish…but my new bestest friend blew it in the 7th frame. Having his single red over the corner and surrounded by yellows proved to be a problem as slugger tried a delicate little screw and snookered himself on the black. Graham “the Spider” Webb drew inspiration from wiping me out in the first half and found “the skills that pay the bills” to record a double on the night. The disappointment of the team was equally matched by my joy at having dodged the first bullet. 6-2

The Bear, Coach, Magic and JY didn’t let Kev’s loss affect them as they all won (9-2) and it was left to me to try and avoid the ‘Double O’ with a last frame match-up Albie.

I was faced with a horrible dilemma with two reds left. The finish was there but so was the up and down treble to use my one open red to pot the other one over the bag. Do I play it safe and go for the win or do I at least try and claw back some dignity by clinching Pointless Flair Shot of the Week? Needless to say I went for the PFS and got it, but it was at a cost. Left with no shot on my final red I had to launch it round the table. With the rest of Racks Packs support ringing in his ears Albie stuck it to me. 9-3 and it was a case of “clear the runway, the bagels have landed” for the now badly named “Wonder” Walls.

After that bombshell I needed something to try and cover up the shame. I needed some sort of equally tragic circumstance so the Racks boys focus could be deflected elsewhere and take the heat of me… and then it happened….

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Interleague

The following Sunday was the Interleague competition in Chiswick. Replace the words “piss-up” for the word “competition” and you know all you need to know about Interleague.

T o summarise, our Maidenhead team managed to lose twice to both Bracknell A and B by the same score line. Neil was “more tragic than magic” in losing four from four. The usual fights broke out, only this time were from unlikely sources (well, one was anyway) and once again Mrs. Coach went way beyond the call of marital duty and picked us all up at 8PM and drove us home. Frank Callaghan was there and asked Coach whose break was it as he thought their match was still going and it was 4-4 from last month.

Steve Ring won the best averages on the day, and in a ‘you had to be there’ moment, Coach Shiel tried to present the trophy to Leigh Morshead. Will this gag ever end? I doubt it. Robert "Johnny Dream-Draw" Uzzell produced another miracle by managing to draw his star-studded dream-team against the women first - very handy when that very same dream-team has only eight players at the time, and would have forfeited frames against anyone else.

As if to prove that his recent wins against the Farmers were a fluke, Coach got beat by a woman, and finally James Harness arrived having somehow survived being a Hull fan in the Arsenal end the day after Hull beat them 2-1.

A good time was had by all, and apologies to all female pool players out there.

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Match Report – bye/away versus Golden Cross

As far as we were all aware Monday night was a bye so we had all got stuck into the beers on Sunday. I appeared in Racks on the Monday at 6:30 for a spot of practice and a cup of tea.

After 15 minutes of chatting up everyone’s favourite comely bar-wench (the be-vested Amy) she asked where everyone else was. Bless her I thought, it must be hard keeping track with all the byes that we’ve had this season, so I explained to her that we didn’t have a game. In the kind of killer counter manoeuvre you’d expect in Spasky/Fisher chess match she promptly whipped them out – the fixtures that is – and pointed out that we were in fact supposed to be away to that haven of ravin’ – the Golden Cross! Doh!

It was a smack in the face, which is no bad simile considering our opponents, but by now it was after 7pm and far too late get the boys together. Everyone else had either arranged to work or wasn’t around and I couldn’t drag any of the racks regulars to Twyford to make up a team so we had to bin it. A schoolboy error, but perhaps The Likely Lads could do us a favour and beat the Thatched Cottage? No! In an unlikely twist they couldn’t get a side together either, and forfeited their game.

So our bye game turned into a disastrous night for all at Rackspack towers, as we lost 12-0 and the Thatched Won 12-0.

The 24 frame swing in one night has probably left us in an impossible position as far as winning the section is concerned, but thankfully we are definitely through to the knock out stages with the Likely Lads forfeit. We’ve an outside chance of winning the division but the permutations are more difficult to comprehend than slugger’s formula for working out the averages. Basically we need to thump The Likely Lads AND The Thatched Cottage AND hope that the Farmers Rats can take a few frames of the Thatched boys next week. It’s a slim chance.

Here in Rackspack towers we’re not ones for petty recrimination or for playing the blame game. However surely Coach Shiel is the Captain and it’s all his fault. As you will all remember I was ousted in a bloodless coup in the run-up to the season opener, and as such that puts me in a position to give some credible insight (not that lacking any kind of credibility ever stopped me from giving insight but there you go). I don’t remember ever getting the fixtures wrong. Granted, it was a rarity that I got a full side out, and it was rarer still that I exhibited any of the kind of qualities one traditionally expects of a captain, but rudder-less and most probably a man or two down, at least we knew where we were.

The texts rained in on Tuesday

Lee – “ I bloody told John yesterday we had the golden cross”

Brad – “What a load of monkey boys you lot are. You told me we had no game !”

Coach – “err I’m sorry yeah! Its my fault I think.”

Keith – “Don’t worry it will help cover up for my two losses last week – cheers !”

Kevin – “The king is dead, long live the king”.

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Match Report – bye/home versus The Rose

Having checked the fixtures, then checked them again, then asked Amy to produce them so I could check them, then asked Amy to put them away and get the fixtures out so I could check them, then checked with every member of the team, we knew there was no game this week.

You’ll remember that earlier in the season the Rose failed to turn out teams in two separate divisions and were ejected from the league. Well done to the committee for acting decisively.

So no game means no report this week, so we’ll get back in the mailbox later this week, and we’ll also publish the long awaited profiles of the founders members and contributors to Rackspack.blogspot.com, Mr Keith “Wonder” Walls and Mr Kevin “Slugger” Southam.

Keep it here and keep it real.


K&K.