--------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
I am instructed on behalf of my Client, "the second most hated man in pool", to instigate immediate proceedings against you, should you fail to cease and desist from your blatant deformation and improper promotion of my client from "second most" to "most". Your proposition is ridiculous and we will have no problem establishing the facts by way of testimony from his fellow Rackspack team and for that matter half of Maidenhead! Brad is the most hated man in pool and for him to even consider relinquishing his top spot is clearly absurd. Whilst writing, we take the opportunity to point out that Brad seems to be under the misapprehension that turning up and showing his boat race (face) is in some way considered to be a Showboat!
Yours faithfully Dingbat, Warts & Shingles LPA & PMTS
Solicitors in Dennis Law
--------------------------------------
Thank you for getting in touch. We're very happy to say that as per your request Mr Robinson has been reinstated at the most hated man in pool.
Match Report
We'll start this week with our favourite quote from the Lord's book:
Pool 16:11 - And the Lord said "Let Rackspack be the greatest pool team ever. Let them kick arse in the Maidenhead Summer league and let anyone who stands before them be swept aside by a wave of flair". And lo, it came to pass that on the twenty first day of the ninth month in the year of two thousand and nine, Rackspack tidied up their final match of the group stages in the Maidenhead league.
The title was over some weeks ago but there was a small matter of our 100% record and the Showboat roll-over to be settled and we knew there'd be no favours done and no quarter given when we entertained The Pond House on Monday night.
The Return of the Prodigal Son
The first miracle of the evening was when I got a phone call from Craig Wilson.
"Wallsy!"
"Craigy!"
"Where are we playing tonight ?"
Craig making an appearance? What's this "we" crap? Having not been seen all season, and having promised and failed to turn up to previous matches, the 'Muttley' of Thames Valley Pool had appeared not only on the previous Thursday night in the Slough league but now for the Monday nights in Maidenhead. The smell of a trophy and the lure of the Showboat roll-over meant that Muttley (" gimme gimme medal snicker snicker snicker...") had volunteered himself for service for the final game. However with Hokey Cokey, JY, The Bear, Wonder, Magic and Coach Slugger already having declared themselves available, Craigy would have to keep his powder dry while we all had a shot at the boat.
Muttley: "Gimme gimme medal"
Another week and another Coach Southam random draw saw the Wonder stuck in lowly sixth spot. HC was up first and with time rapidly running out in his quest for a million and one dishes he had promised us, he took on Mark Webb. The red down the rail didn't drop, but a few visits later we had won the frame and John had won strangest colour selection of the season for going for reds when Yellows seemed the choice all day. The Bear looked out of sorts in the next but still pulled it together to take out the last 3 and the black to beat Ray Enderby and it was 2-0.
Pondhouse captain-for-the-night Tracy Harmon cares not for reputations. In our last encounter she left Tizzy with 7 on the table. This time she had drawn Magic Cameron. Tracy broke, potted one and then pulled out the shot of the season. Knowing full well the rules of the Showboat, she completely wrecked any chance Magic had by playing a shot which involved rolling the white right up the backside of a red, leaving Neil on nothing - not even a chance to fluke one in. It was a great shot warmly applauded by the rest of us, and the unclaimed Showboat was now pushing towards the £20 mark. A few visits later and Tracy had two yellows left to Neil's seven reds. The reds were scattered all over the middle of the table and Tracey's red was in the middle of them. All Neil had to do was flick of one of his balls and leave the white at the top of the table and she would have been snookered. Neil saw the same shot, but played in such a way to not only fail to leave her snookered, but to somehow clear a pathway through his reds for the yellow to pot in the bottom corner! Moses himself couldn't have parted those balls better. A couple of pots later and Tracy had left another "Packer" with seven. 2-1
Moses - “With a wave of the cue, the reds parted…..”
JY took out Mikey Diaz, Coach Slugger made it 4-1 and the Wonder beat James Graham to give Rackspack a healthy 5-1 lead at half-time. Beating Mikey must have taken its toll on JY, as shortly afterwards he disappeared to tend to the Thai bride he keeps at home in his basement. Craig "Muttley" Wilson stepped up to the plate for the back half and the boat was still afloat.
Return of the Whack
Having missed most of the season it was only fair that Muttley had to pay a little bit extra to join in on the showboat tomfoolery. The £3 we agreed upon was duly deposited in Justina, and it was over to Coach "Blatter" Southam for another wholly fair and above board draw...Amazingly the Wonder came in sixth and in a 'surely not' move Muttley drew trap one and was first up!
The stage was set - no one had seen him all season, our calls had gone answered and our voice-mails and texts unreturned, and yet just 8 balls separated Muttley from the eternal glory of the showboat, a prize of £22 and a popularity rating about as high as that of Emmanuel Adebayor at the Arsenal Christmas party. We held our breath as the cue was drawn back...a mighty thump followed...the break was solid but the white ball flew down the middle pocket hole quicker than John Shiel into the private cabins at the HP. Three quid for a break, that's the Showboat folks! Craigy recovered to beat Jemma Clifford but the showboat was now just a distant memory.
"When you pay £3 and go in off on the break – you’ve failed”
Hokey Cokey had one final chance to write his name into Rackspack folklore. The chance was there for all to see and he had a yellow two foot from the middle pocket to open up the frame. Unfortunately his cue brain was writing a cheque that his cue arm couldn't cash, and the yellow was left a foot short, giving away two shots for not hitting a cushion. Mark Webb couldn't, however, take advantage though and HC got his second win of the night.
“technical malfunctions beset the NASA nerds computer while waiting for news of John's first clearance”
The Miracle of the Long Yellow
Only two men had managed the giant feat of claiming a Showboat crown, the Bear (twice) and Coach. When Coach stepped in and broke against James Graham it didn't look on. There were 4 easy balls but another couple that were in a mess around the corner. He managed to work a position that let him pot yellows 5 and 6 but they left him trying to get on his last ball with a delicate little stun-run through off another ball. He tried, he failed.
"Total snooker".
Har-de-har, Coach was tucked up on the last yellow which was around the black spot. The white almost level but a couple of inches nearer the bottom cushion and a juicy red smack in between them. As we giggled amongst ourselves and looked to the scorecard to see who was up next, the miracle happened. Taking his time to size up the angles, he proceeded to smash the white off the bottom cushion with right hand side, and it cracked the yellow as clean as you like into the top right hand corner - almost the length of the table. As if that wasn't enough the white stopped perfectly for a cut on the black. A centimetre more and he was snookered - as it was the thin cut to the corner was on and a few seconds later - HONNNNNNNNNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ker-ching! £24 banked, and Coach Southam's Showboat winnings were over £50 this season.
Brad, Keith & Neil play for what was left of the showboat.
After The Lord Mayors Show
With Justina our Showboat piggy bank now emptied, the final frames were very much an anti-climax. Brad took out a nice finish to prevent Tracy from claiming another scalp, Neil avoided the double doughnut by beating Ray Enderby and the Wonder took the last against Mikey Diaz. 11-1, and a stunning result for the pack that equalled our best of the season.
So the group stages are finally over. It was ironic that Coach Southam took the last Showboat before the serious pool begins, being as he will be away with work for the quarter finals. However the rest of the pack are in fine form as our 11-1 victory showed. The quarters are next Monday, and the draw looks like this:
RACKS PACK v WAMDSAD A
GOLDEN X A v COOKHAM SOCIAL
BELL BAPL v FORESTERS
HEINZ 57 v WWSSC B
SEMI FINAL DRAW
WINNER OF GAME 4 v WINNER OF GAME 1
WINNER OF GAME 3 v WINNER OF GAME 2
So if we overcome WAMDSAD we'll be away to the might of the "Heinz 57". Heinz may have 57 varieties, but here at Rackspack towers we only have one - a catering size can of whoop-ass, and (all things going to form) we'll be dishing up all over the Heinz 57 boys in two weeks at their place.
Happy cueing.
No comments:
Post a Comment