Match Report Special AKA The Damp Squib Match
After a fantastic quarter final win we were all looking a potentially classic semi final, replete with great shots, dramatic action and a cliff-hanging climax. Much to our disappointment our season sunk into a sea of mediocrity on Monday night.
What a rubbish match! What an anti climax!
You know when SKY hype up “Grand Slam Sunday” and you sit down telling yourself that this is going to be great…then 20 minutes into Man United/Arsenal v Chelsea/Liverpool, you realise you’ve been duped as you think to yourself “this is the most boring match I have seen, what utter dirge”.
Well, that pretty much sums up our semi with BAPL on Monday. It was crap, virtually from start to finish, utter utter crap.
We lost 7-4 and to be honest I don’t think anyone really cared. The atmosphere was dead, the passion non existent and the only time we perked up was when Deano, Jez and the rest of the Forresters team turned up to see who would be beating them in next weeks final.
We should have suspected something wasn’t right when the first song on the jukebox when we arrived at the Forresters was Alvin and the Chipmunks! The whole night was just terribly wrong. It was like being a teenager invited for a personal tour of Michael Jackson’s ranch – you know you should feel excited about it but deep down you know that something’s not right.
The only decent clearance in eleven frames was Sean Watson’s and that was with two shots and ball in hand on a relatively simple finish. The rest of us - on both sides - never managed put four pots together.
Every one of us fouled at least once in our frames, whether it be stupid in-offs, bad luck, not nominating a total snooker, not hitting a cushion or touching a ball with the cue. It a jolly poor show.
And yet things had started really well. The Slugger good us oof on the good foot by knocking in a nice finish (after getting two) against Mick Worsfield, but really Mick should have won it when he had two shots himself and missed a cut on the black by a country mile. 1-0
The Wonder broke in the next, potted a yellow but left himself tied up and only a red ball on. Nominating reds he knocked it in, but the white flicked off another ball and into the middle. Sean took out the simple finish with his two shots and we were level. 1-1
Magic lost the next when he snookered himself on his last ball and failed to get out of it, and another two shots given away by us and led to 2-1 down.
The Bear fouled in the fourth, and the BAPL player cleared up to his last ball, inexplicably screwing the bal into the middle pocket after potting it. The Bear put the rest away. It was 2-2, and a we were still in it.
Lee battled through his frame with Spike. He tried to bounce out his difficult yellow but the white went up and down the table after clipping another ball and shot into the corner to give Spike two shots and the frame. 2-3
Coach made it 3-3 at the break but only through bad play from his opponent. Coach had only just managed to hit the cushion trying to slow roll a pot to the corner. His opponent then gave away two shots and he duly cleared up. Six of the worst frames you are likely to see, and it was still all to play for.
At this point at least one team should have stepped-up and showed what they were capable of but it just got worse. Wonder lost his second when leaving a foul snooker against Sean. His only saving grace was that he had also left it so that Sean’s yellow wouldn’t go into the corner past his red, but in knocking it past the red trying to set it up, it curled round the red on the wonky table and dropped in. 3-4
In the next Bradley made a total “Cameron” (school-boy error) and forgot to call a total snooker and rolled into his ball, giving away yet another two shots, and with it the frame. 3-5
Coach pulled one back in another awful frame, this time against Matt Gouriet. Coach had two shots with one ball and the black but managed to screw up the positioning and called for a total snooker on the 8ball. As he was playing it ‘Wonder’ (who was reffing) stopped him mid shot to point out that actually he could see a clear edge of the black, and it wasn’t a total snooker! Coach then easily clipped it out of the bunch and potted it for 5-4!!! Why he asked for the total in the first place was anyone’s guess- it was just that kind of night.
It looked for a moment as if the comeback was on, but it wasn’t to be, and at crucial times we had no run of the ball when we really needed it.
Slugger put in the only good frame of the night on behalf of the Racks Pack, and left an excellent snooker behind the black after freeing his last ball. Coach Shiel called it shot of the night, but if any snooker was too good it was this one. Rather than leaving a once across the table escape, the white was so close to the black his oppo had to attempt as escape off three cushions. He skimmed one that he wasn’t aiming for, and left the white just off the top cushion and giving some awkward cueing. It needed a dead weight roll and the table wasn’t going to oblige as the white bent off and Slugger missed the pot. It cost us the frame. Ironically if the original snooker hadn’t been so good he would have probably had an easier shot whether or not his opponent escaped from the snooker. 4-6
Magic was in for the Racks Pack to save the match, and in a frame where the shots went from good to bad and back again, neither player seemed to be able to give it away. It came down to Magic potting an excellent yellow and having to take on a thin cut black into the centre. The pot missed, Chris Tate (I think) laid up the snooker and in line with our previous frames Magic missed and we gave away another two shots. Chris took out his last two balls and brought our season to an end. He summed it up perfectly when he said to Neil at the end “I was just hoping you would pot the black and put me out of my misery – I was awful”.
That sentence covered the entire match for me – it was utterly dreadful.
So the season goes out with a whimper rather than a bang. I would have preferred to have been thrashed to be honest, or perhaps go out on a deciding frame – at least in a way that we would have had some excitement. Considering the amount of county and other quality players on show it was the worst match I’ve been involved in for a long time. Lord only knows what time the match would finally have finished if it had gone all the away – as it was we finished at 12:15. Eleven frames in four hours tells you how scrappy it was.
On a personal note, this season has been another barrel of laughs. After his walkout at the Thatched Cottage we never saw JY again, although we did get a few phone calls from him to see if he was needed. Kev fell for one of Andy Brants “tap on the shoulder” specials – always amusing [in a childish and total juvenile way – ED]. In the end the Golden Cross debacle didn’t make any difference to the course of the season, and it’s Bracknell who will go on to the seasons finale against the Forresters after Dean’s team of reprobates comprehensively beat the Racks Maniacs.
Some of us will be in Yarmouth this weekend for the Champion of Champions matches. It’s a good turnout from the local area with Lee’s Lady Haig team, Rob Uzzell’s Windsor side joining The Irish Club and a team from Marlow. In truth if any of us get through to the second knockout stage on the Sunday it will be an achievement. Coach, the Bear, Vic, Magic and myself are in a 4 man qualifier for the Hainsworth event that Rileys are running and that might be fruitful given the entry criteria they are using.
With various Winter Leagues fast approaching it’s nearly time to wrap up the blog, put it in a warm box with three carrots and handful of straw and allow it to hibernate for another year as the Racks pack team members go their separate ways. Keep your browsers here for a little while longer though, as Creative Director Walls and Editor-In-Chief Southam present their highlights of the season, and THE highlight of any season - The Rackspack Awards 2008, sponsored by Rackspack.blogspot.com.
Don’t forget the deadline for sponsorship of the award ceremony has been extended by one more week, and there are a number of Gold, Silver and Bronze packages available. So if you want to join us on a VIP ladies night out and be associated with these prestigious awards, then contact us at Rackspack@hotmail.co.uk
While Kevin tries to figure out some way for him to finish top of the averages, and we prepare for the awards, we present some other great sporting failures:
http://failblog.org/2008/11/03/wrestling-fail-2/
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Ds0wEBKuxv8
Happy cueing,
K&K
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
Updated Averages - after quarter final
The boy Walls has taken what is surely his rightful place at the top of the averages! Two wins against the Thatched Cottage and the question on everyone's lips is - could he be playing any better? With Slugger & Coach Shiel making up the rest of the top three, can they hold off the relentless charge of The Most Hated Man In Pool (TM) Bradley Robinson.
| RANKING | Player | Win % | Attendance % | Total Points |
| 1 | Keith | 86.7 | 72.7 | 159 |
| 2 | John S | 62.5 | 90.9 | 153 |
| 3 | Kevin | 68.8 | 81.8 | 151 |
| 4 | Brad | 85.7 | 63.6 | 149 |
| 5 | Neil | 56.3 | 90.9 | 147 |
| 5 | Vic | 83.3 | 63.6 | 147 |
| 7 | John Y | 64.3 | 72.7 | 137 |
| 8 | Lee | 53.8 | 72.7 | 127 |
Friday, October 31, 2008
Match Report - Quarter Final versus Thatched Cottage
Every now and then the sporting gods decide to give someone or some team a chance to right a previous wrong. For example, Stuart Pearce missed a penalty in the 1990 World Cup and then six years later, in front of 90,000 people at Wembley Stadium, scores the penalty against Spain to put England into the semis of Euro 96.
Four years ago Colin Montgomery stood over (and made) the putt to win Europe the Ryder Cup having taken so much stick from the American “fans” that his dad walked off the course, unable to listen to it.
Easily making my top 5 sporting moments was Goran Ivanisevic winning Wimbledon in 2001. Having lost in three finals (twice to Sampras and once to Andre Agassi), he was a 150-1 no-hoper at the start of the tournament. Two weeks later, and after a last service game that was quite incredible, he beat Pat Rafter to finally take the title and exorcise the demons.
Maybe, just maybe, the sporting gods have handed the Racks Pack a similar opportunity…
Exorcising the Demons
After falling at the quarter final hurdle two years running we really couldn’t have picked a worse team to play in the quarters than the Thatched Cottage. The form was with them – they had beaten us the previous week - and we knew it was going to be tough. I had a feeling that we could be heading for yet another 7-6 decider.
There was a fire roaring away in the smokers area as we arrived at the TC so I wrote down “7-6” on a piece of paper and threw it into the blaze…
“Oh ye gods I demand you lift this curse from the pack!!”
JY “the Cinderella man” said that he could make it but wouldn’t be available for the second half. So Coach decided that it was probably easier to give him the night off and replaced him with The Slugger. Kev's ceaseless quest to attend every lap-dancing bar in Western Europe had prevented him from playing in last weeks loss to The TC, but he returned to the fold with wind his sails, chalk on his tip and lead in his pencil.
The first six frames were all nip and tuck. Coach should have been beat in the opener but Vinny made a terrible mess on the match-winning ball and then gave away two shots. John did his version of “Go your own way” with a bizarre set of shot selections but managed to get the job done and we took an undeserving lead. 1-0
The Slugger returned the favour in the next when he rather unfortunately left himself with only a tough long yellow and snookered on his other last ball one over the pocket. After missing the pot John Molley needed no second invitation and levelled the match. 1-1
Lol looked like being in command in the third frame until failing on his last ball. It left The Wonder with five reds and a black that were dispatched accordingly. 2-1
Uzzell then dug in against Magic with a street-wise performance of safety and potting and we were all square again at 2-2.
The Bear was up against Dog in the winner-takes-all, animal nicknames encounter, and the money for the favourite was landed when Brad put the hound down. Once Farrah beat Lee in the sixth frame it was 3-3 on the night and you just felt that there was a last frame decider on its way again.
A Racks Pack team huddle round the hotdogs and roast potatoes began. The order for the second half was now becoming quite crucial and everyone pitched in with a plan, including Andy Brant. Yes, THAT Andy Brant! Where there’s free food you find this half of the Right Said Fred of Thames Valley Pool, and tonight was no exception. We settled on Keith leading out against John “Lord” Molley and was quickly onto last orders as he put in his best finish of the season. Starting with a long red from off the cushion, he then put another into the middle by flicking it in off the difficult ball on the rail. Luckily that ball poked out just enough to leave the pot on and with the black gaping he made it 4-3.
Frame eight, and in what was probably the turning point of the match Lee ‘The Grinder’ played Steve Adams. Lee has not been at his best this season (as the averages will show) but he had an inspired frame this time around, and put in a wonderful finish just when we needed it. The black rattled for a second and then dropping into the corner to add a bit more tension. We had a two frame lead and now the pressure was firmly on the opposition. 5-3
Frame nine and the best one of the night for me. There can’t be many matches where you would see two players with more under their belts than Uzzell v Brad – frames of pool we mean! With these two you know there’s a lot those belts can hold a lot in, and tonight they were stretched to breaking point. It certainly was there to be seen on the Ruzzler!
The Bear engineered a situation where he had to play a clever shot of potting one red, screwing across the table to knock in another that was covered by a yellow, and leaving himself a long black that was in the jaws at the other end of the table. Of course Uzzell knew this, and played some excellent containing shots to stop it…and a long frame of cat and mouse was played out. Eventually Robert got to a situation where he was one more visit away from a chance of turning the frame round…and Brad was forced into taking on the double pot. He played it superbly. Potting the ball over the right corner he managed to fire the white back across and knock in the one over the opposite pocket, the white then flew up the table towards the black and stopped in the only place where he couldn’t put the black in directly. Instead The Bear played the white across the table, off the side cushion and back across to hit the black along the top rail and in. Terrific shot and easily the Flair shot of the week (although not pointless).
At 6-3 we were looking good and Kev bought home the pancetta with a clinical finish. Vinny gave away two shots away and The Slugger never looked in trouble as he knocked in the final balls to give us the win. 7-3
At last we could take that monkey off our back.
So as I said at the start, it’s all about those demons. Talking of which the others Racks team AKA Racks Pack-it-in (Racks Maniacs actually, but I see what you did there – ED) got through 7-6 against Woodlands Park. Steve Cox was the Racks hero, clinching the match. It brings about the scary possibility that he might stop moaning for a change. We had to listen to him bitch about how unfair our section was, what with us, The Likely Lads, Thatched Cottage as his Earls Angels team…only to then find out he transferred to back Racks Maniacs instead!! In the second semi final they have drawn the Foresters who came from 6-3 down to defeat the Thatched Cottage A 7-6.
Also on the subject of Demons, in an interesting development in the first semi-final we are now up against BAPL. Regular readers (all two of them) will now be putting the pieces together as they realise that not only have we exorcised one demon (getting past the quarter finals) we now have the chance to exorcise a second demon by beating BAPL (they beat us in the quarter final last year) with a further possibility of exorcising a third in the final against Foresters (they beat us in the quarter finals two years ago)!
Somebody get me a ouija board, some pins and a voodoo doll!
Four years ago Colin Montgomery stood over (and made) the putt to win Europe the Ryder Cup having taken so much stick from the American “fans” that his dad walked off the course, unable to listen to it.
Easily making my top 5 sporting moments was Goran Ivanisevic winning Wimbledon in 2001. Having lost in three finals (twice to Sampras and once to Andre Agassi), he was a 150-1 no-hoper at the start of the tournament. Two weeks later, and after a last service game that was quite incredible, he beat Pat Rafter to finally take the title and exorcise the demons.
Maybe, just maybe, the sporting gods have handed the Racks Pack a similar opportunity…
Exorcising the Demons
After falling at the quarter final hurdle two years running we really couldn’t have picked a worse team to play in the quarters than the Thatched Cottage. The form was with them – they had beaten us the previous week - and we knew it was going to be tough. I had a feeling that we could be heading for yet another 7-6 decider.
There was a fire roaring away in the smokers area as we arrived at the TC so I wrote down “7-6” on a piece of paper and threw it into the blaze…
“Oh ye gods I demand you lift this curse from the pack!!”
JY “the Cinderella man” said that he could make it but wouldn’t be available for the second half. So Coach decided that it was probably easier to give him the night off and replaced him with The Slugger. Kev's ceaseless quest to attend every lap-dancing bar in Western Europe had prevented him from playing in last weeks loss to The TC, but he returned to the fold with wind his sails, chalk on his tip and lead in his pencil.
The first six frames were all nip and tuck. Coach should have been beat in the opener but Vinny made a terrible mess on the match-winning ball and then gave away two shots. John did his version of “Go your own way” with a bizarre set of shot selections but managed to get the job done and we took an undeserving lead. 1-0
The Slugger returned the favour in the next when he rather unfortunately left himself with only a tough long yellow and snookered on his other last ball one over the pocket. After missing the pot John Molley needed no second invitation and levelled the match. 1-1
Lol looked like being in command in the third frame until failing on his last ball. It left The Wonder with five reds and a black that were dispatched accordingly. 2-1
Uzzell then dug in against Magic with a street-wise performance of safety and potting and we were all square again at 2-2.
The Bear was up against Dog in the winner-takes-all, animal nicknames encounter, and the money for the favourite was landed when Brad put the hound down. Once Farrah beat Lee in the sixth frame it was 3-3 on the night and you just felt that there was a last frame decider on its way again.
A Racks Pack team huddle round the hotdogs and roast potatoes began. The order for the second half was now becoming quite crucial and everyone pitched in with a plan, including Andy Brant. Yes, THAT Andy Brant! Where there’s free food you find this half of the Right Said Fred of Thames Valley Pool, and tonight was no exception. We settled on Keith leading out against John “Lord” Molley and was quickly onto last orders as he put in his best finish of the season. Starting with a long red from off the cushion, he then put another into the middle by flicking it in off the difficult ball on the rail. Luckily that ball poked out just enough to leave the pot on and with the black gaping he made it 4-3.
Frame eight, and in what was probably the turning point of the match Lee ‘The Grinder’ played Steve Adams. Lee has not been at his best this season (as the averages will show) but he had an inspired frame this time around, and put in a wonderful finish just when we needed it. The black rattled for a second and then dropping into the corner to add a bit more tension. We had a two frame lead and now the pressure was firmly on the opposition. 5-3
Frame nine and the best one of the night for me. There can’t be many matches where you would see two players with more under their belts than Uzzell v Brad – frames of pool we mean! With these two you know there’s a lot those belts can hold a lot in, and tonight they were stretched to breaking point. It certainly was there to be seen on the Ruzzler!
The Bear engineered a situation where he had to play a clever shot of potting one red, screwing across the table to knock in another that was covered by a yellow, and leaving himself a long black that was in the jaws at the other end of the table. Of course Uzzell knew this, and played some excellent containing shots to stop it…and a long frame of cat and mouse was played out. Eventually Robert got to a situation where he was one more visit away from a chance of turning the frame round…and Brad was forced into taking on the double pot. He played it superbly. Potting the ball over the right corner he managed to fire the white back across and knock in the one over the opposite pocket, the white then flew up the table towards the black and stopped in the only place where he couldn’t put the black in directly. Instead The Bear played the white across the table, off the side cushion and back across to hit the black along the top rail and in. Terrific shot and easily the Flair shot of the week (although not pointless).
At 6-3 we were looking good and Kev bought home the pancetta with a clinical finish. Vinny gave away two shots away and The Slugger never looked in trouble as he knocked in the final balls to give us the win. 7-3
At last we could take that monkey off our back.
So as I said at the start, it’s all about those demons. Talking of which the others Racks team AKA Racks Pack-it-in (Racks Maniacs actually, but I see what you did there – ED) got through 7-6 against Woodlands Park. Steve Cox was the Racks hero, clinching the match. It brings about the scary possibility that he might stop moaning for a change. We had to listen to him bitch about how unfair our section was, what with us, The Likely Lads, Thatched Cottage as his Earls Angels team…only to then find out he transferred to back Racks Maniacs instead!! In the second semi final they have drawn the Foresters who came from 6-3 down to defeat the Thatched Cottage A 7-6.
Also on the subject of Demons, in an interesting development in the first semi-final we are now up against BAPL. Regular readers (all two of them) will now be putting the pieces together as they realise that not only have we exorcised one demon (getting past the quarter finals) we now have the chance to exorcise a second demon by beating BAPL (they beat us in the quarter final last year) with a further possibility of exorcising a third in the final against Foresters (they beat us in the quarter finals two years ago)!
Somebody get me a ouija board, some pins and a voodoo doll!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Updated Averages
Now that the league section of the summer shin-dig is over, here are the updated averages:
Now that I am no longer top I have decided to keep the averages going through the knockout section. With John Young threatening not to come to next weeks quarter final, it's up to John S, Neil and myself to give Keith a race for top spot. It looks difficult for Brad to top the averages now, what with his loss from this week, and the fact that I am calculating the averages.
Slugger.
| RANKING | Player | Played* | Won | Win % | Team -Matches Played | Player - Matches Played | Attendance % | Total Points |
| 1 | Keith | 13 | 11 | 84.6 | 10 | 7 | 70.0 | 155 |
| 2 | Vic | 12 | 10 | 83.3 | 10 | 7 | 70.0 | 153 |
| 3 | Kevin | 14 | 10 | 71.4 | 10 | 8 | 80.0 | 151 |
| 4 | John S | 15 | 9 | 60.0 | 10 | 9 | 90.0 | 150 |
| 4 | Neil | 15 | 9 | 60.0 | 10 | 9 | 90.0 | 150 |
| 6 | John Y | 14 | 9 | 64.3 | 10 | 8 | 80.0 | 144 |
| 7 | Brad | 12 | 10 | 83.3 | 10 | 6 | 60.0 | 143 |
| 8 | Lee | 11 | 6 | 54.5 | 10 | 7 | 70.0 | 125 |
| 9 | Ben | 2 | 2 | 100.0 | 10 | 1 | 10.0 | 110 |
| *After home match versus Thatched | ||||||||
Now that I am no longer top I have decided to keep the averages going through the knockout section. With John Young threatening not to come to next weeks quarter final, it's up to John S, Neil and myself to give Keith a race for top spot. It looks difficult for Brad to top the averages now, what with his loss from this week, and the fact that I am calculating the averages.
Slugger.
Match Report - Home versus The Thatched Cottage
Hoping For A Miracle.
I’m a total TV sports addict (apart from cricket!). I watch so much of the stuff is ridiculous, but when you are watching something live it’s always more fun, especially when you see some sort of cliffhanger or one-off miracle happening that will live long in the memory. My work mates’ brother went to the Liverpool - Milan Champions League final in Turkey a few years back, and left at half-time when Liverpool were 3-0 down. He and his friends were totally fed up and couldn’t face the taxi queue to get back into Istanbul centre once the match had finished. After a 30 minute cab ride into town they saw Liverpool fans running out of nearby bars screaming and shouting and the horror of what they had done dawned on them - Liverpool were back to 3-3! It was heading for extra time and the drama of what would follow, with a penalty shoot-out to decide the greatest prize in European club football, will go down in football folklore. Meanwhile, they sat in a bar watching it unfold not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
Of course watching a sporting miracle is one thing, but actually being part of that ‘miracle’ is something special, a story to tell the grandkids for years and years to come. As we arrived at Racks on Monday the question on the back pages of every sports publication in the country was “Could the Rackspack sink the Thatched Cottage 11-1, clinch the section title and create their own sporting miracle?”
We had been greeted by the news that regardless of the result we had drawn the Thatched anyway in the quarters. The only thing left to sort out was the section winner and therefore have home advantage for the knock out stages starting next Monday. Team news showed that The Slugger was away scouting burlesque houses in Paris, France but Grinder Greenwood had returned to take his place and give us the six we needed.
Having to win any pool match 11-1 is not an enviable position, but of course it was our own fault we were in this position the first place - the balls-up with the Golden Cross game had seen to that. However with Christmas rapidly approaching we were heading for that season of miracles so you never know. James “Britain's Hardest” Harness had gone from breaking two vertebrae in his back and fracturing his pelvis on the Saturday, to turning up at the Lady Haig to watch his pool team on the Thursday! Yep, these were certainly strange times and strange things were a-happening. If ever there was time for a miracle it was now.
The Miracle of the Pointless Flair Shot of the Week
We didn’t have to wait long to see it this week. Frame one, and in the battle of the two Johns, John ‘the Coach’ Shiel did his level best to screw up his frame but got let off when John ‘the Landlord’ Molley rattled a long black. It looked safe enough in the middle of the bottom cushion and the white up in the baulk end. But a length of the table double slammed into the top corner put the Racks one up. The scoreboard was up and running and with The Bear up next, the impossible was possible.
The Three Blind Men
One frame up was as close as we got, and it was downhill from here. The Bear went for a finish against Vinny, missed the double on the black and left Vinny to clear up. 1-1
Neil ‘the magic’ got beat by an inspired Farrah (2-1) and JY lost to Dog who had his own miracle when somehow escaping from a snooker and covering JYs only yellow in the process. 3-1
‘Wonder’ took Uzzell out with some ease to get us back in the game (3-2) but the comeback was short-lived as Lee lost to Lol. Lol had three easy reds left all over pockets and the black on its spot. Lee decided the finish wasn’t easy enough so after hitting his last yellow in a wild double attempt he managed to pot two of the three reds and give Lol two visits to finish if off. 4-2 down at the break and by now even a 8-4 win would not be enough, so it was just a case of damage limitation.
The Miracle of the Five Loaves and Two Fishes.
We all know how Jesus fed the crowds near Galilee with just five loaves and two fish. That’s nothing. Every week at Racks Amy somehow manages to feed two pool teams with only six slices of bread, two slices of ham and a tin of tuna - all for only six quid! If there’s ever a second coming then let’s hope the Lord doesn’t decide to start the faith in Maidenhead high street.
The Miracle of the Amazing Vanishing Man.
Despite JYs protests that he wanted to play early in the back six, Coach decided to put the big guns out first to try and get us back into the game and lay down a marker for next weeks knockout. The Wonder doubled up on the night with victory over Vinny, and in an amusing literary twist ‘The Bear’ got one over Steve ‘Grizzly’ Adams. 4-4
With the match all square it was time for us to open our legs and show our class. Unfortunately the quickest finish we could manage in the remaining four frames was by JY, who couldn’t be bothered hanging around for his frame and instead grabbed his cue and legged it. The ‘Cinderella Man’ struck again as he raced off home rather than hang about and turn into a pumpkin by half ten. It was a new and interesting variation on JY’s usual disappearing act.
I’m a total TV sports addict (apart from cricket!). I watch so much of the stuff is ridiculous, but when you are watching something live it’s always more fun, especially when you see some sort of cliffhanger or one-off miracle happening that will live long in the memory. My work mates’ brother went to the Liverpool - Milan Champions League final in Turkey a few years back, and left at half-time when Liverpool were 3-0 down. He and his friends were totally fed up and couldn’t face the taxi queue to get back into Istanbul centre once the match had finished. After a 30 minute cab ride into town they saw Liverpool fans running out of nearby bars screaming and shouting and the horror of what they had done dawned on them - Liverpool were back to 3-3! It was heading for extra time and the drama of what would follow, with a penalty shoot-out to decide the greatest prize in European club football, will go down in football folklore. Meanwhile, they sat in a bar watching it unfold not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
Of course watching a sporting miracle is one thing, but actually being part of that ‘miracle’ is something special, a story to tell the grandkids for years and years to come. As we arrived at Racks on Monday the question on the back pages of every sports publication in the country was “Could the Rackspack sink the Thatched Cottage 11-1, clinch the section title and create their own sporting miracle?”
We had been greeted by the news that regardless of the result we had drawn the Thatched anyway in the quarters. The only thing left to sort out was the section winner and therefore have home advantage for the knock out stages starting next Monday. Team news showed that The Slugger was away scouting burlesque houses in Paris, France but Grinder Greenwood had returned to take his place and give us the six we needed.
Having to win any pool match 11-1 is not an enviable position, but of course it was our own fault we were in this position the first place - the balls-up with the Golden Cross game had seen to that. However with Christmas rapidly approaching we were heading for that season of miracles so you never know. James “Britain's Hardest” Harness had gone from breaking two vertebrae in his back and fracturing his pelvis on the Saturday, to turning up at the Lady Haig to watch his pool team on the Thursday! Yep, these were certainly strange times and strange things were a-happening. If ever there was time for a miracle it was now.
The Miracle of the Pointless Flair Shot of the Week
We didn’t have to wait long to see it this week. Frame one, and in the battle of the two Johns, John ‘the Coach’ Shiel did his level best to screw up his frame but got let off when John ‘the Landlord’ Molley rattled a long black. It looked safe enough in the middle of the bottom cushion and the white up in the baulk end. But a length of the table double slammed into the top corner put the Racks one up. The scoreboard was up and running and with The Bear up next, the impossible was possible.
The Three Blind Men
One frame up was as close as we got, and it was downhill from here. The Bear went for a finish against Vinny, missed the double on the black and left Vinny to clear up. 1-1
Neil ‘the magic’ got beat by an inspired Farrah (2-1) and JY lost to Dog who had his own miracle when somehow escaping from a snooker and covering JYs only yellow in the process. 3-1
‘Wonder’ took Uzzell out with some ease to get us back in the game (3-2) but the comeback was short-lived as Lee lost to Lol. Lol had three easy reds left all over pockets and the black on its spot. Lee decided the finish wasn’t easy enough so after hitting his last yellow in a wild double attempt he managed to pot two of the three reds and give Lol two visits to finish if off. 4-2 down at the break and by now even a 8-4 win would not be enough, so it was just a case of damage limitation.
The Miracle of the Five Loaves and Two Fishes.
We all know how Jesus fed the crowds near Galilee with just five loaves and two fish. That’s nothing. Every week at Racks Amy somehow manages to feed two pool teams with only six slices of bread, two slices of ham and a tin of tuna - all for only six quid! If there’s ever a second coming then let’s hope the Lord doesn’t decide to start the faith in Maidenhead high street.
The Miracle of the Amazing Vanishing Man.
Despite JYs protests that he wanted to play early in the back six, Coach decided to put the big guns out first to try and get us back into the game and lay down a marker for next weeks knockout. The Wonder doubled up on the night with victory over Vinny, and in an amusing literary twist ‘The Bear’ got one over Steve ‘Grizzly’ Adams. 4-4
With the match all square it was time for us to open our legs and show our class. Unfortunately the quickest finish we could manage in the remaining four frames was by JY, who couldn’t be bothered hanging around for his frame and instead grabbed his cue and legged it. The ‘Cinderella Man’ struck again as he raced off home rather than hang about and turn into a pumpkin by half ten. It was a new and interesting variation on JY’s usual disappearing act.
While most of us were either laughing or just plain dumbstruck Coach was trying to hand Uzzell a double doughnut. Maybe the disappearance of JY to blame, or maybe just the terrible shot selection (or both) but either way Rob sent Coach packing and it was 5-4. Lol was the grateful recipient of JY’s Houdini impression and we went from 4-4 to 6-4 down in a matter of minutes.
Magic played an excellent solid frame against Dog to give us hope of the draw (6-5) but Chris Farrah struck again for his double against Lee to put us down for good. 7-5 after Lee gave away a deliberate foul only to see Chris pull out a fantastic finish for a Man of the Match performance and victory for the thatched boys.
So we taste defeat for the first time in the campaign in unusual circumstances. It’s been a bizarre few seasons. Over the years we have played and won matches having only four players, struggled at times to get even 6, and not turned up for a match by misreading the fixtures. But I don’t recall us starting with a full team and ending up giving away a frame, so we have once again broken new ground.
In the ultimate piss-take JY text late on to say he had left his coat there and could we find it for him. No doubt he was relieved we found it, which is ironic as we only placed it behind the bar after we all relieved ourselves on it.
Next Monday is the quarter finals and the draw couldn’t be tougher. If we beat the Thatched then it looks like Bracknell in the semi (if they win as expected against the Pond House). Meanwhile in the other half, Thatched A, Forresters, Woodlands Park and the other Racks side will do battle for the honour of taking home a large portion Racks Pack whoop-ass in the final.
This is our third year and our third quarter-final, surely it wont go like the last two and end up in a 7-6 defeat for the mighty Racks boys? Not three times in a row!?! What sort of horrible miracle would that be?
Magic played an excellent solid frame against Dog to give us hope of the draw (6-5) but Chris Farrah struck again for his double against Lee to put us down for good. 7-5 after Lee gave away a deliberate foul only to see Chris pull out a fantastic finish for a Man of the Match performance and victory for the thatched boys.
So we taste defeat for the first time in the campaign in unusual circumstances. It’s been a bizarre few seasons. Over the years we have played and won matches having only four players, struggled at times to get even 6, and not turned up for a match by misreading the fixtures. But I don’t recall us starting with a full team and ending up giving away a frame, so we have once again broken new ground.
In the ultimate piss-take JY text late on to say he had left his coat there and could we find it for him. No doubt he was relieved we found it, which is ironic as we only placed it behind the bar after we all relieved ourselves on it.
Next Monday is the quarter finals and the draw couldn’t be tougher. If we beat the Thatched then it looks like Bracknell in the semi (if they win as expected against the Pond House). Meanwhile in the other half, Thatched A, Forresters, Woodlands Park and the other Racks side will do battle for the honour of taking home a large portion Racks Pack whoop-ass in the final.
This is our third year and our third quarter-final, surely it wont go like the last two and end up in a 7-6 defeat for the mighty Racks boys? Not three times in a row!?! What sort of horrible miracle would that be?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A clarification
We at Racks Pack Towers are not infallible. In fact we make more obvious errors than Alan Davies on QI. In this instance we're happy to provide a clarification regarding the following entry from this weeks blog:
"Secondly we at Racks Packs towers were not amused to read their admission that they knew Brad was up for the Irish in the deciding frame and that “all bets were off…Brad was going to win it”. This statement has propelled ‘The Bears’ already insufferable ego to new stratospheric heights! The final line about it being a shame either team had to lose is absolutely bang on – The Twigg were ambassadors for Bracknell pool, both on and off the table."
We have been informed by a reliable source that the name of Brad's opponent in the deciding frame of their match was ALSO called Brad. Thus the comment from the Bracknell website was a tongue-in-cheek, being as it was a pun on the fact that someone called Brad was bound to win either way.
Further investigation has that this was not the only coincidence. Not only do they have the same name, but Bracknell's Brad also has up to four girlfriends at any one time, uses the word c**t too much, and has a lady's night wing-man called Slugger.
Astonishing.
K&K
"Secondly we at Racks Packs towers were not amused to read their admission that they knew Brad was up for the Irish in the deciding frame and that “all bets were off…Brad was going to win it”. This statement has propelled ‘The Bears’ already insufferable ego to new stratospheric heights! The final line about it being a shame either team had to lose is absolutely bang on – The Twigg were ambassadors for Bracknell pool, both on and off the table."
We have been informed by a reliable source that the name of Brad's opponent in the deciding frame of their match was ALSO called Brad. Thus the comment from the Bracknell website was a tongue-in-cheek, being as it was a pun on the fact that someone called Brad was bound to win either way.
Further investigation has that this was not the only coincidence. Not only do they have the same name, but Bracknell's Brad also has up to four girlfriends at any one time, uses the word c**t too much, and has a lady's night wing-man called Slugger.
Astonishing.
K&K
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Match Report - Away versus The Likely Lads
Before we get to this weeks drivel and really get our teeth into Kevin’s horrendous performance we had better mention a couple of other things that have happened this week.
Firstly some bad news. James “Britain’s Hardest” Harness was knocked off his motorbike on Saturday and is currently strapped to a bed in a Surrey hospital. A couple of broken vertebrae and a fractured pelvis doesn’t sound too good but it could have been a lot worse. The Racks Pack doctor advises us that such injuries could badly affect his ability to play pool...or should that be his ability to play pool badly. Either way, we wish him a full and speedy recovery.
If you have any stories or messages to pass on to James, you can email them to us and we will get them to him. James played for us last summer and all of us at Racks have known and played with him many times over the last 15-20 years.
Next up we have a link to the Bracknell and Ascot website, where you’ll find their version of events from the recent Champion of Champion qualifiers. Seeing as I gave my view a few blog entries ago, I thought that it only fair to give them a right to reply.
Click on http://www.bracknellascotpool.com/latestnews.html and scroll down to the “Gypos slay the Haig” headline.
In the report of the match against the Irish Club a couple of things standoiut. Firstly their description of the decider, and more precisely how they thought that “the table had come to the rescue of the Irish”. It’s quite funny and probably tongue-in-cheek, but they have completely missed the point. Brad deliberately left his oppo a pot knowing full well he had no hope of getting on his last ball. The guy was suckered in and played the shot anyway, and of course didn’t get on it and subsequently lost the match. Secondly we at Racks Packs towers were not amused to read their admission that they knew Brad was up for the Irish in the deciding frame and that “all bets were off…Brad was going to win it”. This statement has propelled ‘The Bears’ already insufferable ego to new stratospheric heights! The final line about it being a shame either team had to lose is absolutely bang on – The Twigg were ambassadors for Bracknell pool, both on and off the table.
The account of the game versus The Lady Haig also raised a smile here in Racks Pack Towers. I particularly enjoyed the part mocking the bloke in the long coat – seeing as a couple of the “Gypos” dropped their load when approaching him at the end of the match – one of them with a clenched fist. Other than that, the most glaring error on the page is that it fails to mention their subsequent disqualification for fielding an illegal player.
An interesting aside, it wasn’t until I read their report that I realised how strong the rivalry is between the Bracknell and Slough teams. The Irish Club have easily been the best side in the county for the last decade (even if you say so yourself – ED), however it has to be said we’ve lost our edge lacking, as we do, any serious competition in the area. The match against The Twigg was just the kick in the arse that we needed to pull our fingers out and put in a top performance. That sort of competition between the top sides is needed and hopefully that will encourage the B&A players to keep getting better and help strengthen the county side for next season. It’s a shame that the Irish Club will be disbanding as it brings to an end a golden era of pool at the Irish club.
There could well be a whole blog entry dedicated to the subject if only to allow me to reminisce about some great times and wallow in self indulgence.
Before my mind wanders, let’s move swiftly on to this weeks match report against The Likely Lads.
What became of the Likely Lads?
Thanks to a combination of bye weeks, teams being ejected and of course gross stupidity, none of the Racks Pack had swung a cue in anger for a month. None, that is, apart from Bradley who seems to be aiming for a new pool endurance record playing, as he does, every other day of the week. Taking into account Maidenhead on a Monday, Slough league on Thursdays, Interleague at Chiswick on a Sunday, a recent county match against Surrey and also the Interleague knockout finals in Yarmouth, surely it’s only a matter of time before he tops the averages somewhere. All this is just a typical few weeks pool in the life of the big fella.
All this pool must have taken it’s toll on the bear, as earlier on Monday afternoon he had text Slugger angling for a lift to pool that night, but instead ended up driving and picking him up! Our match was away at The Pond House, and as usual the rest of us had met up at racks for some practice.
It was Coach Shiels’ birthday, and to help him celebrate he had bought Mrs Coach along. She was in the mood for a night of top class pool and entertainment, but must have been sorely disappointed to find out that we were playing the Likely Lads.
To have almost any hope of clinching the divisional title, we needed a big win over the Likely Lads allied to some kind of miracle/shock result in the game between The Thatched Cottage and Earls Angels. Only these two events in unison would set up a ‘winner takes all’ decider with the TC at our place next Monday. Of course Triple T (Terry The Turncoat) was also aware of this and, like the incontinent uncle at the family birthday, would do all he could to spoil the party.
Leading off was our man at the top of the averages, ‘Slugger’ versus Steve ‘she wanted more’ Carmichael. Kevin had already said on a number of occasions how much he enjoys playing the ‘Aslan of the green baize’, although by now probably not as much as Steve enjoys playing Kev. He of the golden mane beat our own fair-haired fop for the second time in two matches. 0-1
The Bear must have been ‘all pooled out’ as he lost to Andos Brant who hit a cracking black up the rail to put the LL 2-0 up, and dancing Danny Raj outlasted the Coach in a tactical finish as they raced into a commanding 3-0 lead.
By now the idea of us registering a big victory to keep pace in the section was now out the window, and instead it was becoming a case of just trying to avoid an embarrassing thrashing. The comeback began when ‘the Wonder’ beat Maurice Dingley, despite missing an 8-ball finish with a shocking in-off from his second last yellow [shocking as in it took you that long in the frame to go in-off – ED]. 3-1
The comeback was short-lived when Magic lost out to Triple T, who pulled off one of the most outrageous, all time great, fluked safety shots, jawing the white ball in the top corner pocket and leaving Magic snookered on the black thanks to a red in the middle of the table. Triple T polished the game off when he got two shots and Magic was left cursing another loss. 4-1
JY clawed a frame back for us against Pat, who made a terrible mistake sinking the white with the frame at his mercy. At the break it was 4-2.
What was needed now was a few of our top people to pull their thumbs out and stop playing like men with no thumbs. The Bear did just that, handing Pat a second loss in two frames (and a fourth loss out of four against us this season) and JY, fearing a hatchet job when his upcoming profile is published notched his second win on the night to draw us level. 4-4
In the next Andos Brant lost the white ball to give your truly two visits, and I produced the Dish of the Day with a visit to spare to haul the Rackspack ahead for the first time in the match. 5-4
All momentum was with the RP and we were looking unstoppable. We thought there was light at the end of the tunnel after all, but the light turned out to be that of an oncoming train as The Slugger had his pants pulled down and his arse spanked by a gleeful Steve Carmichael. With a plant lined up to take the frame his arm wrote a cheque that his ability couldn’t cash and the red stayed up over the pocket allowing ‘Aslan’ to level it up at 5-5. We put out an order for ‘Two bagels to go’ for The Slugger and they delivered.
Firstly some bad news. James “Britain’s Hardest” Harness was knocked off his motorbike on Saturday and is currently strapped to a bed in a Surrey hospital. A couple of broken vertebrae and a fractured pelvis doesn’t sound too good but it could have been a lot worse. The Racks Pack doctor advises us that such injuries could badly affect his ability to play pool...or should that be his ability to play pool badly. Either way, we wish him a full and speedy recovery.
If you have any stories or messages to pass on to James, you can email them to us and we will get them to him. James played for us last summer and all of us at Racks have known and played with him many times over the last 15-20 years.
Next up we have a link to the Bracknell and Ascot website, where you’ll find their version of events from the recent Champion of Champion qualifiers. Seeing as I gave my view a few blog entries ago, I thought that it only fair to give them a right to reply.
Click on http://www.bracknellascotpool.com/latestnews.html and scroll down to the “Gypos slay the Haig” headline.
In the report of the match against the Irish Club a couple of things standoiut. Firstly their description of the decider, and more precisely how they thought that “the table had come to the rescue of the Irish”. It’s quite funny and probably tongue-in-cheek, but they have completely missed the point. Brad deliberately left his oppo a pot knowing full well he had no hope of getting on his last ball. The guy was suckered in and played the shot anyway, and of course didn’t get on it and subsequently lost the match. Secondly we at Racks Packs towers were not amused to read their admission that they knew Brad was up for the Irish in the deciding frame and that “all bets were off…Brad was going to win it”. This statement has propelled ‘The Bears’ already insufferable ego to new stratospheric heights! The final line about it being a shame either team had to lose is absolutely bang on – The Twigg were ambassadors for Bracknell pool, both on and off the table.
The account of the game versus The Lady Haig also raised a smile here in Racks Pack Towers. I particularly enjoyed the part mocking the bloke in the long coat – seeing as a couple of the “Gypos” dropped their load when approaching him at the end of the match – one of them with a clenched fist. Other than that, the most glaring error on the page is that it fails to mention their subsequent disqualification for fielding an illegal player.
An interesting aside, it wasn’t until I read their report that I realised how strong the rivalry is between the Bracknell and Slough teams. The Irish Club have easily been the best side in the county for the last decade (even if you say so yourself – ED), however it has to be said we’ve lost our edge lacking, as we do, any serious competition in the area. The match against The Twigg was just the kick in the arse that we needed to pull our fingers out and put in a top performance. That sort of competition between the top sides is needed and hopefully that will encourage the B&A players to keep getting better and help strengthen the county side for next season. It’s a shame that the Irish Club will be disbanding as it brings to an end a golden era of pool at the Irish club.
There could well be a whole blog entry dedicated to the subject if only to allow me to reminisce about some great times and wallow in self indulgence.
Before my mind wanders, let’s move swiftly on to this weeks match report against The Likely Lads.
What became of the Likely Lads?
Thanks to a combination of bye weeks, teams being ejected and of course gross stupidity, none of the Racks Pack had swung a cue in anger for a month. None, that is, apart from Bradley who seems to be aiming for a new pool endurance record playing, as he does, every other day of the week. Taking into account Maidenhead on a Monday, Slough league on Thursdays, Interleague at Chiswick on a Sunday, a recent county match against Surrey and also the Interleague knockout finals in Yarmouth, surely it’s only a matter of time before he tops the averages somewhere. All this is just a typical few weeks pool in the life of the big fella.
All this pool must have taken it’s toll on the bear, as earlier on Monday afternoon he had text Slugger angling for a lift to pool that night, but instead ended up driving and picking him up! Our match was away at The Pond House, and as usual the rest of us had met up at racks for some practice.
It was Coach Shiels’ birthday, and to help him celebrate he had bought Mrs Coach along. She was in the mood for a night of top class pool and entertainment, but must have been sorely disappointed to find out that we were playing the Likely Lads.
To have almost any hope of clinching the divisional title, we needed a big win over the Likely Lads allied to some kind of miracle/shock result in the game between The Thatched Cottage and Earls Angels. Only these two events in unison would set up a ‘winner takes all’ decider with the TC at our place next Monday. Of course Triple T (Terry The Turncoat) was also aware of this and, like the incontinent uncle at the family birthday, would do all he could to spoil the party.
Leading off was our man at the top of the averages, ‘Slugger’ versus Steve ‘she wanted more’ Carmichael. Kevin had already said on a number of occasions how much he enjoys playing the ‘Aslan of the green baize’, although by now probably not as much as Steve enjoys playing Kev. He of the golden mane beat our own fair-haired fop for the second time in two matches. 0-1
The Bear must have been ‘all pooled out’ as he lost to Andos Brant who hit a cracking black up the rail to put the LL 2-0 up, and dancing Danny Raj outlasted the Coach in a tactical finish as they raced into a commanding 3-0 lead.
By now the idea of us registering a big victory to keep pace in the section was now out the window, and instead it was becoming a case of just trying to avoid an embarrassing thrashing. The comeback began when ‘the Wonder’ beat Maurice Dingley, despite missing an 8-ball finish with a shocking in-off from his second last yellow [shocking as in it took you that long in the frame to go in-off – ED]. 3-1
The comeback was short-lived when Magic lost out to Triple T, who pulled off one of the most outrageous, all time great, fluked safety shots, jawing the white ball in the top corner pocket and leaving Magic snookered on the black thanks to a red in the middle of the table. Triple T polished the game off when he got two shots and Magic was left cursing another loss. 4-1
JY clawed a frame back for us against Pat, who made a terrible mistake sinking the white with the frame at his mercy. At the break it was 4-2.
What was needed now was a few of our top people to pull their thumbs out and stop playing like men with no thumbs. The Bear did just that, handing Pat a second loss in two frames (and a fourth loss out of four against us this season) and JY, fearing a hatchet job when his upcoming profile is published notched his second win on the night to draw us level. 4-4
In the next Andos Brant lost the white ball to give your truly two visits, and I produced the Dish of the Day with a visit to spare to haul the Rackspack ahead for the first time in the match. 5-4
All momentum was with the RP and we were looking unstoppable. We thought there was light at the end of the tunnel after all, but the light turned out to be that of an oncoming train as The Slugger had his pants pulled down and his arse spanked by a gleeful Steve Carmichael. With a plant lined up to take the frame his arm wrote a cheque that his ability couldn’t cash and the red stayed up over the pocket allowing ‘Aslan’ to level it up at 5-5. We put out an order for ‘Two bagels to go’ for The Slugger and they delivered.
Needing both the last two to win it my money wouldn’t have been on Magic to beat Danny. Magic has had almost no run of the balls this season, and his task wasn’t made any easier by me putting Fleetwood Mac’s “Go your own way” on the jukebox just a he was putting in his first clearance attempt. He was unlucky to just nudge his last red behind a yellow but recovered to put it over a pocket. Than, after potting the red and surviving a snooker on the black the bad run he had been getting went out the window as he came off the side cushion to escape a snooker, crashed into the black and managed to slam it into the middle pocket. 6-5
And so the scene was set for birthday boy Coach Shiel to go out and win the match for us and with it the love of his woman. Frankly he owed us for the debacle of missing the Golden Cross fixture a few weeks earlier, and with Mrs Coach in attendance everything was poised for him to repay both team and wife. A couple of misfires, some lucky leaves, and a miss from Triple T gave Coach a long black for the win. It rattled in the jaws of the pocket, thought about it, and subsequently decided that since it was his birthday it would finally drop just when we all thought it was staying up. 7-5 and the victory was ours.
And so the scene was set for birthday boy Coach Shiel to go out and win the match for us and with it the love of his woman. Frankly he owed us for the debacle of missing the Golden Cross fixture a few weeks earlier, and with Mrs Coach in attendance everything was poised for him to repay both team and wife. A couple of misfires, some lucky leaves, and a miss from Triple T gave Coach a long black for the win. It rattled in the jaws of the pocket, thought about it, and subsequently decided that since it was his birthday it would finally drop just when we all thought it was staying up. 7-5 and the victory was ours.
So we escaped with the 3 points but really three points and a 7-5 win wasn’t enough. The Thatched won 10-2 some quick calculations on Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair tell us that we need to win at least 11-1 next Monday to nick the section. Unlikely but lest we forget…we are not simply men - we are Racks Pack!!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Player Profile Special - Kevin Southam & Keith Walls
By popular demand, and to satisfy the lust of our legions of female admirers, here are the long-awaited and much anticipated player profiles of Messrs Southam & Walls:
----------------------------------------
Name:
Kevin Southam
Nickname:
“Slugger”. Back in the day his league doubles partner was a 18 stone nightclub bouncer called Jason Brown. “Slugger” was the only one who ever got away with slagging him off if he messed up.
Age:
35
Weight:
78 KGs, consisting of 90% McDonalds & 10% Water.
Job:
As co-founder and CEO of Rackspack Incorporated, and Chief Editor of rackspack.blogspot.com, he’s the man to please if you DON’T want your name to appear online.
Fav food:
Pizza.
Fav drink:
Chilled red wine.
Fav woman:
Wife. After that it’s not possible to pick just one.
Fav music:
Anything Keith doesn’t like or has in fact heard of.
He says:
“I don’t have my hair cut – I have it ‘styled’. That’s the difference between me and you”
They say:
With his boyish good looks, understated sartorial elegance, and an uncanny ability to turn on the charm for the ladies, this cue wielding fop is the Hugh Grant of local league pool.
K&K say:
It wouldn’t be the same without him. It might be better, but it wouldn’t be the same.
Where you might find him:
In Smokey Joe’s before anyone else has arrived.
Where you wont find him:
Working out at the gym. He goes five times a week but never actually makes it past the smoothie bar.
One more thing:
It’s a little known fact that Kevin is a body double of World Darts Star Mark ‘flash’ Dudbridge:
Name:
Keith Walls
Nickname:
In a long career the self-named “mayor of flair” has been known as “Wonder”, “Wallis”, “The Duke Of Fluke” , “On Drugs Clearance” , “Ice Cream Man”, “Sausages” etc.
Age:
35
Weight:
So low that his weight actually doubles if he is walking in the rain wearing a wool jumper.
Job:
Chief creative contributor of Rackspack.blogspot.com; Chairman of the pointless flair shot of the week adjudication committee; Moral compass of Kevin Southam (God help him).
Fav food:
Gerbil. Deep fried preferably.
Fav drink:
The black stuff.
Fav woman:
Partner Hannah & daughter Leah.
Fav Shot:
The pointless drag shot. Feared many times, miscued many more.
Fav music:
Anything and everything you have never heard of.
He says:
Far too much for his own good when hes had too many Guinness.
They say:
If only they could get a word in edgeways…
K&K say:
What can one say about Keith? Take a dose of flair, a pinch of charisma, a dash of gay abandon and a large portion of bombay duck (luck) and you have the ingredients of a legend in Thames Valley pool.
Where you might find him:
On the terraces at Croke Park cheering on the Irish Football team
Where you wont find him:
On the terraces at the next world cup cheering on the Ireland football team
One more thing:
A big Liverpool fan, Keith’s favourite players are Luis Garcia and Dirk Kuyt.
Where you should find him:
At a Just For Men convention
----------------------------------------
Name:
Kevin Southam
Nickname:
“Slugger”. Back in the day his league doubles partner was a 18 stone nightclub bouncer called Jason Brown. “Slugger” was the only one who ever got away with slagging him off if he messed up.
Age:
35
Weight:
78 KGs, consisting of 90% McDonalds & 10% Water.
Job:
As co-founder and CEO of Rackspack Incorporated, and Chief Editor of rackspack.blogspot.com, he’s the man to please if you DON’T want your name to appear online.
Fav food:
Pizza.
Fav drink:
Chilled red wine.
Fav woman:
Wife. After that it’s not possible to pick just one.
Fav music:
Anything Keith doesn’t like or has in fact heard of.
He says:
“I don’t have my hair cut – I have it ‘styled’. That’s the difference between me and you”
They say:
With his boyish good looks, understated sartorial elegance, and an uncanny ability to turn on the charm for the ladies, this cue wielding fop is the Hugh Grant of local league pool.
K&K say:
It wouldn’t be the same without him. It might be better, but it wouldn’t be the same.
Where you might find him:
In Smokey Joe’s before anyone else has arrived.
Where you wont find him:
Working out at the gym. He goes five times a week but never actually makes it past the smoothie bar.
One more thing:
It’s a little known fact that Kevin is a body double of World Darts Star Mark ‘flash’ Dudbridge:
----------------------------------------
Name:
Keith Walls
Nickname:
In a long career the self-named “mayor of flair” has been known as “Wonder”, “Wallis”, “The Duke Of Fluke” , “On Drugs Clearance” , “Ice Cream Man”, “Sausages” etc.
Age:
35
Weight:
So low that his weight actually doubles if he is walking in the rain wearing a wool jumper.
Job:
Chief creative contributor of Rackspack.blogspot.com; Chairman of the pointless flair shot of the week adjudication committee; Moral compass of Kevin Southam (God help him).
Fav food:
Gerbil. Deep fried preferably.
Fav drink:
The black stuff.
Fav woman:
Partner Hannah & daughter Leah.
Fav Shot:
The pointless drag shot. Feared many times, miscued many more.
Fav music:
Anything and everything you have never heard of.
He says:
Far too much for his own good when hes had too many Guinness.
They say:
If only they could get a word in edgeways…
K&K say:
What can one say about Keith? Take a dose of flair, a pinch of charisma, a dash of gay abandon and a large portion of bombay duck (luck) and you have the ingredients of a legend in Thames Valley pool.
Where you might find him:
On the terraces at Croke Park cheering on the Irish Football team
Where you wont find him:
On the terraces at the next world cup cheering on the Ireland football team
One more thing:
A big Liverpool fan, Keith’s favourite players are Luis Garcia and Dirk Kuyt.
Where you should find him:
At a Just For Men convention
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Special Match Report - Home versus Farmers Rats, Away versus Golden Cross, Home versus The Rose
Match Report Special - Bye Bye Baby
Oh dear.
After cruising through the early stages of the season with surprisingly few alarms, and in what will be the first of two grammar lessons this week (mixed metaphor anyone?), the house of cards came home to roost this week. It all started with me getting beaten. Not just beaten, but stuffed. Not just beaten and stuffed, but beaten and stuffed twice in one night. It ended the following week with us having to forfeit our game with the Golden Cross after not one of us had the brains to read the fixture list properly - we thought we had a bye.
So as slugger’s favourite singer Julie Andrews would say, let’s start at the very beginning – a very good place to start.
Match Report – Home versus Farmers Rats
The mists of time are parting, and it’s a warm autumnal evening at our match with the Farmers Boy. I had returned fresh from behind the Iron Curtain eager to impress a non-interested public.
With the halfway averages just published by The Slugger I was boasting an impressive unbeaten record – surely it was a case of just who was going to be ‘the Wonders’ next victim?
My opponents of late had been chewed up and spat out in a blur of 8 ball finishes, and the next lamb to the slaughter was Graham Webb.
Shaking like an 8 stone man in the shower room of a maximum security prison, as he prepared to break off he must have been fearing the worst. From the break he sunk a couple of balls – surely out of desperation to avoid the whitewash. When my visit came I approached the table knowing that it was a matter of laying the snooker and waiting for the two shots. I rolled up behind the yellow perfectly and strode confidently away. Bradley Bear was refereeing. I looked at him with a knowing “Ohh yeah - get that ‘W’ ready” and I was surprised to see a look on his face that was more “was that it?” then “oh yeah that’s it”.
“What the f… was that? You forgot to hit a cushion you twat!”
“Cushion?“
“Foul, two visits reds”
Yep - even after all the millions of frames I’ve played I forgot to hit a cushion and had just rolled up behind my ball in the middle of the table. What a bell-end.
Graham cleared up and I got done.
All that was left now was for the rest of the team to win every frame and nail my hide to the wall. The Bear took out Richard Meadows, Vic (in his farewell performance before going to the University Of Tax Dodging) defeated Albie Blackman, JY beat Mark Hedges, and the Coach put away Rich Hurley – who, disappointingly, had left the tight shorts at home. The Coach ending the four game losing streak he had racked up in stunning fashion.
Even ‘Magic’ got his act together and won! Could it be that the pain of my loss and the potential for ritual humiliation had somehow galvanised the team into a 11-Wonder victory?
The Coach made a classic move in the second half. Rather than drop me like a Racks Sandwich he opted to put me on last instead. Would I bounce back, like the aforementioned dropped racks sandwich, or would I suffer the ultimate in ‘double doughnut’ embarrassment with a second loss?
All looked to be going to plan as The Slugger started stroking balls on his way to a neat finish…but my new bestest friend blew it in the 7th frame. Having his single red over the corner and surrounded by yellows proved to be a problem as slugger tried a delicate little screw and snookered himself on the black. Graham “the Spider” Webb drew inspiration from wiping me out in the first half and found “the skills that pay the bills” to record a double on the night. The disappointment of the team was equally matched by my joy at having dodged the first bullet. 6-2
The Bear, Coach, Magic and JY didn’t let Kev’s loss affect them as they all won (9-2) and it was left to me to try and avoid the ‘Double O’ with a last frame match-up Albie.
I was faced with a horrible dilemma with two reds left. The finish was there but so was the up and down treble to use my one open red to pot the other one over the bag. Do I play it safe and go for the win or do I at least try and claw back some dignity by clinching Pointless Flair Shot of the Week? Needless to say I went for the PFS and got it, but it was at a cost. Left with no shot on my final red I had to launch it round the table. With the rest of Racks Packs support ringing in his ears Albie stuck it to me. 9-3 and it was a case of “clear the runway, the bagels have landed” for the now badly named “Wonder” Walls.
After that bombshell I needed something to try and cover up the shame. I needed some sort of equally tragic circumstance so the Racks boys focus could be deflected elsewhere and take the heat of me… and then it happened….
-------------------------
Interleague
The following Sunday was the Interleague competition in Chiswick. Replace the words “piss-up” for the word “competition” and you know all you need to know about Interleague.
T o summarise, our Maidenhead team managed to lose twice to both Bracknell A and B by the same score line. Neil was “more tragic than magic” in losing four from four. The usual fights broke out, only this time were from unlikely sources (well, one was anyway) and once again Mrs. Coach went way beyond the call of marital duty and picked us all up at 8PM and drove us home. Frank Callaghan was there and asked Coach whose break was it as he thought their match was still going and it was 4-4 from last month.
Steve Ring won the best averages on the day, and in a ‘you had to be there’ moment, Coach Shiel tried to present the trophy to Leigh Morshead. Will this gag ever end? I doubt it. Robert "Johnny Dream-Draw" Uzzell produced another miracle by managing to draw his star-studded dream-team against the women first - very handy when that very same dream-team has only eight players at the time, and would have forfeited frames against anyone else.
As if to prove that his recent wins against the Farmers were a fluke, Coach got beat by a woman, and finally James Harness arrived having somehow survived being a Hull fan in the Arsenal end the day after Hull beat them 2-1.
A good time was had by all, and apologies to all female pool players out there.
-------------------------
Match Report – bye/away versus Golden Cross
As far as we were all aware Monday night was a bye so we had all got stuck into the beers on Sunday. I appeared in Racks on the Monday at 6:30 for a spot of practice and a cup of tea.
After 15 minutes of chatting up everyone’s favourite comely bar-wench (the be-vested Amy) she asked where everyone else was. Bless her I thought, it must be hard keeping track with all the byes that we’ve had this season, so I explained to her that we didn’t have a game. In the kind of killer counter manoeuvre you’d expect in Spasky/Fisher chess match she promptly whipped them out – the fixtures that is – and pointed out that we were in fact supposed to be away to that haven of ravin’ – the Golden Cross! Doh!
It was a smack in the face, which is no bad simile considering our opponents, but by now it was after 7pm and far too late get the boys together. Everyone else had either arranged to work or wasn’t around and I couldn’t drag any of the racks regulars to Twyford to make up a team so we had to bin it. A schoolboy error, but perhaps The Likely Lads could do us a favour and beat the Thatched Cottage? No! In an unlikely twist they couldn’t get a side together either, and forfeited their game.
So our bye game turned into a disastrous night for all at Rackspack towers, as we lost 12-0 and the Thatched Won 12-0.
The 24 frame swing in one night has probably left us in an impossible position as far as winning the section is concerned, but thankfully we are definitely through to the knock out stages with the Likely Lads forfeit. We’ve an outside chance of winning the division but the permutations are more difficult to comprehend than slugger’s formula for working out the averages. Basically we need to thump The Likely Lads AND The Thatched Cottage AND hope that the Farmers Rats can take a few frames of the Thatched boys next week. It’s a slim chance.
Here in Rackspack towers we’re not ones for petty recrimination or for playing the blame game. However surely Coach Shiel is the Captain and it’s all his fault. As you will all remember I was ousted in a bloodless coup in the run-up to the season opener, and as such that puts me in a position to give some credible insight (not that lacking any kind of credibility ever stopped me from giving insight but there you go). I don’t remember ever getting the fixtures wrong. Granted, it was a rarity that I got a full side out, and it was rarer still that I exhibited any of the kind of qualities one traditionally expects of a captain, but rudder-less and most probably a man or two down, at least we knew where we were.
The texts rained in on Tuesday
Lee – “ I bloody told John yesterday we had the golden cross”
Brad – “What a load of monkey boys you lot are. You told me we had no game !”
Coach – “err I’m sorry yeah! Its my fault I think.”
Keith – “Don’t worry it will help cover up for my two losses last week – cheers !”
Kevin – “The king is dead, long live the king”.
-------------------------
Match Report – bye/home versus The Rose
Having checked the fixtures, then checked them again, then asked Amy to produce them so I could check them, then asked Amy to put them away and get the fixtures out so I could check them, then checked with every member of the team, we knew there was no game this week.
You’ll remember that earlier in the season the Rose failed to turn out teams in two separate divisions and were ejected from the league. Well done to the committee for acting decisively.
So no game means no report this week, so we’ll get back in the mailbox later this week, and we’ll also publish the long awaited profiles of the founders members and contributors to Rackspack.blogspot.com, Mr Keith “Wonder” Walls and Mr Kevin “Slugger” Southam.
Keep it here and keep it real.
K&K.
Oh dear.
After cruising through the early stages of the season with surprisingly few alarms, and in what will be the first of two grammar lessons this week (mixed metaphor anyone?), the house of cards came home to roost this week. It all started with me getting beaten. Not just beaten, but stuffed. Not just beaten and stuffed, but beaten and stuffed twice in one night. It ended the following week with us having to forfeit our game with the Golden Cross after not one of us had the brains to read the fixture list properly - we thought we had a bye.
So as slugger’s favourite singer Julie Andrews would say, let’s start at the very beginning – a very good place to start.
Match Report – Home versus Farmers Rats
The mists of time are parting, and it’s a warm autumnal evening at our match with the Farmers Boy. I had returned fresh from behind the Iron Curtain eager to impress a non-interested public.
With the halfway averages just published by The Slugger I was boasting an impressive unbeaten record – surely it was a case of just who was going to be ‘the Wonders’ next victim?
My opponents of late had been chewed up and spat out in a blur of 8 ball finishes, and the next lamb to the slaughter was Graham Webb.
Shaking like an 8 stone man in the shower room of a maximum security prison, as he prepared to break off he must have been fearing the worst. From the break he sunk a couple of balls – surely out of desperation to avoid the whitewash. When my visit came I approached the table knowing that it was a matter of laying the snooker and waiting for the two shots. I rolled up behind the yellow perfectly and strode confidently away. Bradley Bear was refereeing. I looked at him with a knowing “Ohh yeah - get that ‘W’ ready” and I was surprised to see a look on his face that was more “was that it?” then “oh yeah that’s it”.
“What the f… was that? You forgot to hit a cushion you twat!”
“Cushion?“
“Foul, two visits reds”
Yep - even after all the millions of frames I’ve played I forgot to hit a cushion and had just rolled up behind my ball in the middle of the table. What a bell-end.
Graham cleared up and I got done.
All that was left now was for the rest of the team to win every frame and nail my hide to the wall. The Bear took out Richard Meadows, Vic (in his farewell performance before going to the University Of Tax Dodging) defeated Albie Blackman, JY beat Mark Hedges, and the Coach put away Rich Hurley – who, disappointingly, had left the tight shorts at home. The Coach ending the four game losing streak he had racked up in stunning fashion.
Even ‘Magic’ got his act together and won! Could it be that the pain of my loss and the potential for ritual humiliation had somehow galvanised the team into a 11-Wonder victory?
The Coach made a classic move in the second half. Rather than drop me like a Racks Sandwich he opted to put me on last instead. Would I bounce back, like the aforementioned dropped racks sandwich, or would I suffer the ultimate in ‘double doughnut’ embarrassment with a second loss?
All looked to be going to plan as The Slugger started stroking balls on his way to a neat finish…but my new bestest friend blew it in the 7th frame. Having his single red over the corner and surrounded by yellows proved to be a problem as slugger tried a delicate little screw and snookered himself on the black. Graham “the Spider” Webb drew inspiration from wiping me out in the first half and found “the skills that pay the bills” to record a double on the night. The disappointment of the team was equally matched by my joy at having dodged the first bullet. 6-2
The Bear, Coach, Magic and JY didn’t let Kev’s loss affect them as they all won (9-2) and it was left to me to try and avoid the ‘Double O’ with a last frame match-up Albie.
I was faced with a horrible dilemma with two reds left. The finish was there but so was the up and down treble to use my one open red to pot the other one over the bag. Do I play it safe and go for the win or do I at least try and claw back some dignity by clinching Pointless Flair Shot of the Week? Needless to say I went for the PFS and got it, but it was at a cost. Left with no shot on my final red I had to launch it round the table. With the rest of Racks Packs support ringing in his ears Albie stuck it to me. 9-3 and it was a case of “clear the runway, the bagels have landed” for the now badly named “Wonder” Walls.
After that bombshell I needed something to try and cover up the shame. I needed some sort of equally tragic circumstance so the Racks boys focus could be deflected elsewhere and take the heat of me… and then it happened….
-------------------------
Interleague
The following Sunday was the Interleague competition in Chiswick. Replace the words “piss-up” for the word “competition” and you know all you need to know about Interleague.
T o summarise, our Maidenhead team managed to lose twice to both Bracknell A and B by the same score line. Neil was “more tragic than magic” in losing four from four. The usual fights broke out, only this time were from unlikely sources (well, one was anyway) and once again Mrs. Coach went way beyond the call of marital duty and picked us all up at 8PM and drove us home. Frank Callaghan was there and asked Coach whose break was it as he thought their match was still going and it was 4-4 from last month.
Steve Ring won the best averages on the day, and in a ‘you had to be there’ moment, Coach Shiel tried to present the trophy to Leigh Morshead. Will this gag ever end? I doubt it. Robert "Johnny Dream-Draw" Uzzell produced another miracle by managing to draw his star-studded dream-team against the women first - very handy when that very same dream-team has only eight players at the time, and would have forfeited frames against anyone else.
As if to prove that his recent wins against the Farmers were a fluke, Coach got beat by a woman, and finally James Harness arrived having somehow survived being a Hull fan in the Arsenal end the day after Hull beat them 2-1.
A good time was had by all, and apologies to all female pool players out there.
-------------------------
Match Report – bye/away versus Golden Cross
As far as we were all aware Monday night was a bye so we had all got stuck into the beers on Sunday. I appeared in Racks on the Monday at 6:30 for a spot of practice and a cup of tea.
After 15 minutes of chatting up everyone’s favourite comely bar-wench (the be-vested Amy) she asked where everyone else was. Bless her I thought, it must be hard keeping track with all the byes that we’ve had this season, so I explained to her that we didn’t have a game. In the kind of killer counter manoeuvre you’d expect in Spasky/Fisher chess match she promptly whipped them out – the fixtures that is – and pointed out that we were in fact supposed to be away to that haven of ravin’ – the Golden Cross! Doh!
It was a smack in the face, which is no bad simile considering our opponents, but by now it was after 7pm and far too late get the boys together. Everyone else had either arranged to work or wasn’t around and I couldn’t drag any of the racks regulars to Twyford to make up a team so we had to bin it. A schoolboy error, but perhaps The Likely Lads could do us a favour and beat the Thatched Cottage? No! In an unlikely twist they couldn’t get a side together either, and forfeited their game.
So our bye game turned into a disastrous night for all at Rackspack towers, as we lost 12-0 and the Thatched Won 12-0.
The 24 frame swing in one night has probably left us in an impossible position as far as winning the section is concerned, but thankfully we are definitely through to the knock out stages with the Likely Lads forfeit. We’ve an outside chance of winning the division but the permutations are more difficult to comprehend than slugger’s formula for working out the averages. Basically we need to thump The Likely Lads AND The Thatched Cottage AND hope that the Farmers Rats can take a few frames of the Thatched boys next week. It’s a slim chance.
Here in Rackspack towers we’re not ones for petty recrimination or for playing the blame game. However surely Coach Shiel is the Captain and it’s all his fault. As you will all remember I was ousted in a bloodless coup in the run-up to the season opener, and as such that puts me in a position to give some credible insight (not that lacking any kind of credibility ever stopped me from giving insight but there you go). I don’t remember ever getting the fixtures wrong. Granted, it was a rarity that I got a full side out, and it was rarer still that I exhibited any of the kind of qualities one traditionally expects of a captain, but rudder-less and most probably a man or two down, at least we knew where we were.
The texts rained in on Tuesday
Lee – “ I bloody told John yesterday we had the golden cross”
Brad – “What a load of monkey boys you lot are. You told me we had no game !”
Coach – “err I’m sorry yeah! Its my fault I think.”
Keith – “Don’t worry it will help cover up for my two losses last week – cheers !”
Kevin – “The king is dead, long live the king”.
-------------------------
Match Report – bye/home versus The Rose
Having checked the fixtures, then checked them again, then asked Amy to produce them so I could check them, then asked Amy to put them away and get the fixtures out so I could check them, then checked with every member of the team, we knew there was no game this week.
You’ll remember that earlier in the season the Rose failed to turn out teams in two separate divisions and were ejected from the league. Well done to the committee for acting decisively.
So no game means no report this week, so we’ll get back in the mailbox later this week, and we’ll also publish the long awaited profiles of the founders members and contributors to Rackspack.blogspot.com, Mr Keith “Wonder” Walls and Mr Kevin “Slugger” Southam.
Keep it here and keep it real.
K&K.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Special Report - Yarmouth Seven-Man Team Qualifiers
If You Want Great Yarmouth – Follow The Bear (or How I Tried To Buy Some Time Before Having To Write The Match Report Where I Lost Twice In One Night)
We have another bye this week readers so before we get to last weeks report (is that the match where you lost twice?) I thought I would thrill you all with a tale of whooping-ass and ass-whooping that is the final qualifiers for the Yarmouth Seven man team competition.
For those who don’t know, there is a UK-wide competition every year called “The Champion of Champions.” The only criteria for entry is that (1) you must have won or come second in the top league of your association or (2) you must play for Robert Uzzell. There are play offs between the best teams in the various regions, and the winners go to the finals at Great Yarmouth. The finals are supposed to determine the best ‘pub’ team in the UK.
In the last few years winning the league in Slough was enough to get you straight through to the finals in Yarmouth, but in recent years the competition has expanded, we (The Irish Club) found ourselves in a qualifier against The Twigg – the winners of the Bracknell and Ascot league.
The qualifying format is a race to eight frames. The first to win 8 frames goes through and if the match goes to 7-7 then there’s a tense one frame winner-takes-all decider.
Our team consisted of JY, myself, Coach, Bradley Bear, Terry “Triple T” Dingley, Pat “Phudger” Phelan and Steve Payne (the player not playing in the Maidenhead league).
The match was played at the Irish Club, and the atmosphere was fantastic - The Twigg brought around 15 supporters on top of their playing side. As a result every frame victory brought with it a series of high fives and cheering that resembled the Ryder Cup matches. From 3-1 down we wrestled our way to 4-3 up after Terry and JY played some outstanding stuff to help drag us back into it. Brad’s win preceded a sublime 8 ball finish from Steve to put us into a 6-4 lead as the match reached it’s denoument, but The Twigg battled back to 6-6. Coach then gave us all a heart attack when he turned a simple finish into a “Go your own way” special to give us a 7-6 advantage and it was on JY to try and clinch the match.
After knocking in an excellent long yellow down the rail, he let himself a thin snick on the black that he just over cut, and the Twiggs man cleared his last few balls to level the match at 7-7 and force the decider. The three candidates to play the deciding frame were Steve, Brad and myself. Steve said he didn’t fancy it, but Brad had one of his “I am not losing this even if I have to play left handed” looks – so the choice was simple.
The Twigg’s captain then made what I consider to be a critical error.
In a decider I always prefer putting in someone who is 100% reliable to play their frame, and that’s not necessarily the best player on the night. In this case they put in a guy who had won twice, but frankly had gone for and got clearances where I thought he had got the run of the balls. He had played brilliantly no doubt, but I wasn’t sure how he would cope with the pressure if he had to get into a safety exchange.
Part way through the frame Brad left him a teaser - a long red that needed a miracle to pot and free his last ball - and he fell for it. After potting the red he was left with no shot on his last ball and could only knock it out into the open. Brad played a snooker, got the two shots and potted the last four yellows before rolling in the black for the win.
Brad went berserk and we went berserk with him. He screamed out “GET IN THERE “as the black was still on its way to the hole and we all piled in on top of him when it dropped. An amazing match and wonderful result for us. Oddly enough everyone had played two and lost one over the first 14 frames so each player contributed something (so you didn’t lose both then Keith, that makes a change !). The Twigg players have to be commended for helping create a great atmosphere, playing some excellent pool and sportingly wishing us luck in the finals. It was good to see Rab Weir for the first time in a long while. ‘Wazza’ produced a top class eight-ball clearance under pressure in the second half and the guy who lost the decider really didn’t deserve that fate considering the two frames he had won.
----------------------------
So now that’s over with, lets move on to the controversies. My first one - and this really bugged me - was watching ‘Lucky’ Birdy refereeing all their matches. A referee is one of those ‘seen and not heard’ jobs i.e. just stand back and let the play continue. What annoys me with lucky is that he practically tells his players what shot to play. If they have a few balls left he walks round the table and eyes up the pots, sometimes actually bending down to ‘sight’ balls.
Five times on Friday he ‘sighted’ a pot for his players.
When I say sighted I will give an example of what happened in Steve’s first match. The Twigg player has a few yellows left and one tied up on the black spot touching some reds. The yellow didn’t go and had to be freed somehow. Lucky walked around the table and looked at a yellow into the centre. He positioned himself where he thought the white should be so that you can pot it and cannon into the bunch. He even crouched down to stare at the angle on this yellow even though the white is somewhere else. He effectively told his own player where he should put the white so that he can clear the difficult ball out. I’ve no doubt that the player would have seen the shot anyway, but that’s not the point and it’s not in the spirit of the game.
Now onto controversy number two (coincidently the number of frames you lost last Monday!)
We at Rackspack towers like to believe that we are teachers as well as students of the game. Our reason for being is to try and pass on over 100 years of collective pool playing knowledge. We’ve seen it, done it and got the paperweight plastic trophy. Occasionally we get self indulgent and tell some stories and reminisce about old times. But last week we added a new ‘string’ to our bow – predicting the future. Does anyone remember this prognostication from last weeks blog:
“The Lady Haig (Slough – Lee Greenwood, John Townsend, Danny Raj, Ben etc) travel to The Twigg in Bracknell this Thursday to play off for a place in Yarmouth at the national 7 man finals. They are up against a side captained by Dave “nom de plume” Bryant * so make sure you check those cards carefully up there.”
The Lady Haig were runners-up in the Slough league, and they were drawn away to the Twiggs second team in one of the other qualifiers. The match was played the night before ours on the Thursday and the LH lost it 8-6. By all accounts it was a close encounter with plenty of winding up going on from both sides as the match went on.
To enter the CoC you must register all your players on the entry form, and the rule is that all of the players you register must have played 50% of your team’s league matches when you qualified for the CoC. The rule is designed to stop sides qualifying, and subsequently grabbing the best players from their area and sticking them together in a side. All sensible stuff really and it means that if you won a league and then moved teams you would still be able to go back to the old side and play in Yarmouth even though you were now playing elsewhere.
So it was a bit of a surprise when a certain Twigg player mentioned to Lee that he had only just signed up for the Twigg and this was his first season.
Yes, as forecast by us it was yet another Dave Bryant special, straight from the man who brought you “This is Steve Ring, I mean Leigh Morshead”. The man who is currently serving a ban from the Maidenhead league for playing ringers to try and win the premier. A phrase involving “leopard” and “spots” springs to mind.
I have no problem with Dave’s players as it’s not their responsibility - it’s their captain who is taking the risks. Most of their team - including Dave - came to the Irish on Friday to support the other Twigg side. We gave our customary welcome to Leigh Morshead of “Hi Steve” and Leigh took it in good humour as it’s all done with smiles and handshakes.
So a complaint is being filed and another tournament committee is going to have to sort out this guys mess yet again. Why does he do it? He runs loads of tournaments and competitions in Bracknell and Ascot and puts a lot of time and effort into the game, so surely he knows what a total pain in the arse it is sorting out other peoples mess?
To compound the ‘faux pas’ prior to the game you could log onto the Bracknell and Ascot website, click on the teams from last year and it shows you all the individual players and their averages. Of course the offending player’s name is nowhere to be seen. The player admitted he wasn’t part of the side and the website backs it up so there’s your evidence. The Haig has a watertight case by the looks of it.
Or do they ???
Go to the same website now, and click on the teams name and - in my best Keyser Soze impression “like that….’puff’ - he’s gone!“
Yep, unless I am looking in the wrong place or at the wrong thing the whole lot has vanished, no stats, no players lists nothing. Coincidence?
Why do I even bother to raise this issue? Basically because I can’t stand seeing cheating and corruption, I cant help it. I was on the Thames Valley committee for ten years and you get sick and tired of dealing with crap from players who should know better. Oh and don’t get me started on things like FIFA, UEFA, Cup draws or other branches of football and sporting governing bodies (oh god, please DO NOT get him started on this – ED). It’s one of the only things that truly winds me up (if only – ED)
I’m not claiming the moral high ground here as none of us are perfect, but I know the Lady Haig players well we would normally share caravans, sort out drivers to get there, etc. So with what’s happened can they book the time off work yet? Of course not and no doubt by the time it’s eventually sorted out some of them wont be given the time off at short notice and will miss out. Can we arrange cars and drivers to get there? No. How many caravans and chalets we need to book? No idea.
Of course the Champion of Champion organisers will have to make a decision, and until then the Lady Haig and Bracknell players will have no idea who is through. The Slough league committee need to be involved in my opinion, as the Lady Haig are their league representative in the tournament and they should be fighting their corner as well. Are you getting my point now?!? One silly move and suddenly 20 or 30 people are caught up in this screw up.
So watch this space and we will report on whatever the outcome is when we hear it. The finals are on the first weekend in November.
Now I can finally climb off my soapbox for another week.
-----------------------------
To try and end on a happier note, I will give you two bits of classic cheating, both from the Rackspack Towers archive and both from the same guy who I wont name. He played for one of the top teams in the Slough league a few years ago, and his name cropped up in a conversation I had with Peter Lofts a few weeks back. I was reminded of two stories about him. I was on the receiving end of the first one, but only heard of the second second-hand.
At the Irish Club, the guy in question has one red left over the right baulk corner. The black is on its spot with my yellow stuck to it so the black doesn’t go anywhere. There are no other balls left and the white is touching the black so the cueing is awkward. The bridge is quite tricky over the top of the black and yellow but he plays the white dead weight all the way up the table to tap in the last red over the top corner. As the white trickles up the table the ref watches it all the way…not seeing the fellow in question use the thumb of his bridge hand to quickly roll my yellow a centimetre to the left. When the red drops he walks round the table and suddenly the black now pots into opposite corner! I raised this with the ref and the player said “did you see it ref” , “err…no I didn’t” , “well then you cant call a foul then can you !”
On this occasion there was natural justice - He then went in off the black. What a tosser.
The second incident involved the same player in a competition. He broke and potted a red, and with his next shot rolled another one over a pocket. His opponent approached the table, and asked what colour he was on, so he told “reds”. The opponent then pots a red and the guy called a foul and two shots against him, claiming it was the opponents fault for not paying attention to the frame. The organisers are called and he denies saying anything and goes on to clear up knocking the other guy out.
Nice man, very nice man.
K&K
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Dear Racks Pack...
I know, I know - we have been too lazy, or too busy, or just caught up in other things. Either way the blog has suffered lately and we can only apologise.So what have we all been up to then? What excuses do we have for not putting some work in?
On Wednesday night I spent four hours up against Videsh in the final best-of-nine singles qualifier for Yarmouth. I think he is great but when he is in one of his match ‘trances’ you don’t need to call a clock on him, you need a calendar. With no Racks Pack match that week, I had warmed up for this winner-takes-all event by letting Coach Shiel beat me like a ginger step-child on the Monday night. Anyway, after eventually beating Videsh 5-4 I eventually got out of Racks and down to the train station to meet my train home with seconds to spare.
It’s a pain in the arse to have to cycle home from Slough to Langley, and on this occasion this was literally the case as I arrived at Slough station to find my saddle had been nicked. The journey home was long and painful having to stand up and ride, and I was in constant fear that I was the merest drunken memory-lapse away from a metal pole up the ace.
It was an eventful week for the rest of the pack. ‘Magic’ had spent 72 consecutive hours on the sofa watching the Ryder Cup, shattering his own personal record for laziness. Slugger has discovered there is an exciting world of food outside of McDonalds and it’s golden arches after his cookery course, and the ‘Bears’ love-life has taken another turn after discovering that – contrary to many of his favourite R-rated DVD’s – three-into-one doesn’t go.
The ‘coach’ is about to get his own engraved pint glass down at Smokey Joe’s now that his Platinum membership card has come through (you get one for 50 visits in a year). Vic is on the verge of becoming a fully fledged tax dodger as ‘freshers’ week approaches, and JY has slipped faultlessly back into his 9.45pm disappearing act. On the subject of things vanishing, no-one has seen Ben Kiely in three months.
In other ‘pool’ related news, the Dean Hardesty/Trevor ‘Buenos’ Dias management team is flourishing in the county C team, after a stunning comeback against Surrey last week. We can only imagine the scale of the shouting and yelling in that match. Even the ladies are performing well. However the “A” ream are not fairing so well - Brad’s frank assessment of them was “they are all sh*t apart from me and Loftsy. We were 8-0 down when I got my first frame…it hardly got the adrenaline flowing”.
The pool world championships hits SKY this week, commencing on 23rd September with the men’s team event. A finely groomed Robert Uzzell could be seen managing the England team to victory. Looking increasingly like a youthful Bobby George the commentators changed his name to “England Manager Robert Oooozell”. Still some things never change - I bet he had his trainers on with the suit.
The Lady Haig (Slough – Lee Greenwood, John Townsend, Danny Raj, Ben etc) travel to The Twigg in Bracknell this Thursday to play off for a place in Yarmouth at the national 7 man finals. They are up against a side captained by Dave “nom de plume” Bryant * so make sure you check those cards carefully up there.
(* ‘nom de plume’ a fictitious name used by someone in place of their actual name; having a false name)
The Irish Club (me, Brad, Pat Phelan, Steve Payne, Terry, JY, and Coach) take on the other Bracknell side on Friday. This is great planning and captaincy from “Triple T” (Terry The Turncoat) because we have an excuse for going out Friday night afterwards. The sharp-eyed among you will have spotted the lack of ‘Andos’ Brant in the team list – and why? Because the pink oboe player is off to a snooker presentation instead and isn’t going to play. I can’t believe he is letting us down like that and hadn’t told me.
Claire ‘the dormouse’ Dormer from Racks finally put one over arch rival Anne Middleton to qualify for the ladies finals. I think it’s the first time she has managed to beat Anne, her victory no doubt all-the-sweeter for being 3-0 down at one point.
Over in Slough, the summer league coming to a gripping conclusion. With the knockout stages just around the corner, expect to see Kevin and I whoring ourselves out by joining a team at late notice to try and steal a medal out of it. They don’t call us ‘Mutleys’ for nothing (‘gimme gimme medal’).
So with all that going on we’ve not found the time in the last few weeks to spew out a few words for the blog. Thank goodness for the mailbag which was packed to the gills yet again, so it’s time for us to address the burning issues in the pool world. First up, a response to the excellent article we published a few weeks ago on how to use the rest:
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Dear Racks Pack,
Yous too are gunna get a rite smack in the feerce when eye get hold of ya. Yous made me sound like a feckin jordy when im from tha Boro’ ya conts!
JY (talented b@stad with a rest!)
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K&K – sincerest apologies John. In the spirit of right to reply, it’s true to say you are a talented bastard with a rest. In fact we wish you’d take a rest more often.
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Dear Racks Pack,
Is it true that hunky chunk of beef-cake Brad dropped two of his three women by email and text last week? If so can you pass my details onto him, as clearly one woman is not enough for him. I would offer myself to any of you but unfortunately I only date players who are top of the averages.
Hugs and Kisses
Tara Raboomsiyay
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K&K - Due to a banning order issued by Mr Robinson’s lawyers we’re unable to comment on his current relationship status. However if top of the averages is what you want, you may want to check those average tables.
RANKING | Player | Played | Won | Win % |
1 | Brad | 6 | 6 | 100.0 |
1 | Keith | 7 | 7 | 100.0 |
1 | Ben | 2 | 2 | 100.0 |
4 | Kevin | 11 | 10 | 90.9 |
5 | Vic | 11 | 9 | 81.8 |
6 | Lee | 9 | 6 | 66.7 |
7 | John Y | 8 | 5 | 62.5 |
8 | Neil | 9 | 5 | 55.6 |
8 | John S | 9 | 5 | 55.6 |
So that’s the averages at the halfway stage, based purely on frames won. Brad is all your Tara…or is he? It’s a well known fact that you can’t be top of the averages based purely on playing and winning six frames. Also, you have to take into account the opposition – playing in fourth place every week you’re more likely to get pub drunk who’s been roped into playing because you’re opponents are a man down.
There are a number of competing calculations we could use to reveal the true ranking table, and they each have their merits. Here at Racks Pack towers, we choose to us the Southam/Walls exponential weighted method of calculation. It’s a bit complicated, and we would explain it to you, but it’s very long winded and frankly you’d need more computing power than Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair to work it out. For your viewing pleasure, here are the results of the calculation:
RANKING | Player | Win % | Attendance % | Total |
1 | Kevin | 90.9 | 100.0 | 191 |
2 | Vic | 81.8 | 100.0 | 182 |
3 | Lee | 66.7 | 100.0 | 167 |
3 | Keith | 100.0 | 66.7 | 167 |
5 | John S | 55.6 | 100.0 | 156 |
5 | Neil | 55.6 | 100.0 | 156 |
7 | Brad | 100.0 | 50.0 | 150 |
8 | John Y | 62.5 | 83.3 | 146 |
9 | Ben | 100.0 | 16.7 | 117 |
Feel free to drop Mr Slugger a line any time to his personal email address flirtybigwidthtackle@hotmail.com.
In fact Tara’s email gives us an excellent opportunity to bring in the ‘Casanova of the green baize’ and let him make a contribution to the blog. As his attendance at matches is now better than mine we thought it was only fair to give him a forum to pass on some of his legendary knowledge of all things female. We sifted through the mail bag to seek those needing advice, and asked the big-man to lend us his ear. For all our lady admirers, we present a new section to Rackspack.blogspot.com – Dear Bradley…
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Dear Bradley…
I have a dilemma. I have been seeing a woman for sometime now and it’s been great, but a few weeks ago I was at a works do and met another younger girl. After a few drinks I found myself strangely attracted to her and one thing led to another blah blah blah – you know how it is. Now I have two women in my life and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to keep both of them happy. I’m trying to share my time between the two but its very tricky, what should I do?
Crispin Dry, Cookham
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The Bear writes:
I sympathise with your plight Crispin, and my answer is a simple one - get another one. Two’s company, three’s an adventure.
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Dear Bradley…
I was supposed to be playing in a football tournament with my mates which was held at a leading seaside resort. But I had promised to meet up with this women I met on holiday on the same weekend. I am considering driving 150 miles to the tournament, playing, then making an excuse that I have to get back for work and driving 300 miles to the other side of the country to catch up with her for a bit of jiggy jiggy D.T. action. Am I mad? Have you ever done something like this? What if my team mates find out?
Hedley Throbinson – Beaconsfield
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The Bear writes:
Can I plead the fifth? Next question please…
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Dear Bradley…
With all the modern wonders of technology, do you think breaking up using text messaging or emails rather than calling the person direct is proper etiquette.
Russell Hobbs – popping up somewhere.
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The Bear writes:
Excellent question, etiquette is my speciality. I see nothing wrong with dumping your squeeze via text. With most service providers offering 400 free texts every month it’s possible to almost constantly rotate your social life at minimal cost. A word of warning though, don’t take your phone out with you when you are out drinking with the gang or you might end up texting the wrong message to the wrong person. Leave the mobile at home before heading out for 3 litres of vodka and red bull.
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Dear Bradley…
You should have seen this munter I ended up with last week, she was huge. I went back to her place right, she strips off and reveals herself in a g-string that was so tight that when she bent over I thought she was gonna slice herself in two. When I was on the job it was like waving a straw at the channel tunnel.
When the deed was done she went to the bathroom and when I glanced up from the sheets the back end of her looked like two sea-lions trying to mate. She was so large, the only thing she fit was her own description.
Any chance you could wing-man for me sometime and help stop me making such bad choices?
Jeddie Parker – Chesham
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The Bear writes:
Jeddie, we’ve all been there – literally. She turned up at Yarmouth last time and went through the men of the site like a dose of the clap. No problem though, wherever there are women in need of love and affection that’s where you will find the caring, sharing Bear.
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K&K - Thanks very much there to the Bear for those words of wisdom. I’m sure we all can take something from that session.
Keep your browsers on rackspack.blogspot.com for the report on this weeks match versus Farmers Rats, including news of the most unexpected double-doughnut of the season so far…
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