With the latest sports news from across the globe, this is the ASN American Sports Network Maidenhead pool league preview. This preview was brought to you by:
Chateau Rose Wine – the choice of the pool playing connoisseur, and
'Innuendo’ – the Italian suppository with a difference
“Hi, I’m Randy Ogre. I’m sure you all know my good friend and co-commentator Pat Butterscotch.
Folks, it’s time to lock the doggie in the barn and send the wife to the in-laws, because it’s back, it’s bigger than ever and everyone’s talking about it. Yes, it’s summer league pool in Maidenhead. It’s a new season, and a new look “Racks Pack” are using the same tried-and-tested excuses as they try to avoid crashing out on the sudden-death frame in the quarter finals for an unprecedented third season in a row.
Pat, let me start off by throwing you this curveball – Wimbledon, The Superbowl, Euro2008 Soccer-ball, the masters golf and the Olympic games: do any of these come close to the excitement and sheer drama of the Maidenhead summer pool league?”
“Ho ho ho, thank the lord you started me off with an easy one there chum! Randy, quite simply there is no bigger event in the whole god damn wide wide world of sports than the good old MPL. Why, you would have to be some sort of half-crazed lunatic even to suggest otherwise”
“Ha, ha, ha, I was only playing wit’ ya Pat, (slaps Pat on the knee).”
“Randy, this is no joking matter. We are standing on the high diving board above the community swimming baths of world class pool, and I for one cant wait to get my speedo’s on and plunge right in”
“Pat, I’m right there with you and holding the rubber ring. But this time make sure your trunks are not the ones where the ‘S’ has fallen off because I’m not going through that again”
“I hear you louuuud and clear there Randy”
“Pat, let’s cut to the chase – two years ago they got knocked out 7-6 on the deciding frame in the quarter final against the Forresters”
“Gutwrenching”
“Last year, quarter finals again and this time they lose 7-6 on the decider to the BAPL”
“Heartbreaker”
“I’m spotting a perverse pattern here, and I’m not just talking about that tie your third ex-wife bought you for Christmas. Are these guys just destined to fall apart like a Racks sandwich everytime they reach the knockout stages?”
“Pat, it would be dangerous to draw any conclusions at this stage. If we were the sort of sports network that throws around wild accusations without any substance then maybe we could say that Keith Walls should know the rules after five years. Or that JY took a winning position and exchanged it for kicking all his team mates in the Jacobs. Or that Robinson vanished yet again in their time of need to go to work rather than play the decider. But like I said, we aren’t in the business of pointing fingers.”
“So what have they done in the close season to stop this happening again? Everyday I pick up a newspaper and the back pages are full of speculation. Who’s in, who’s out, who cares? What about those stories of Robinson and Walls being spotted in a transsexual cabaret night club in Blackpool only three weeks before the start of the season. If I was a fan - and I am a fan Randy - I would be worried!”
“I feel you there Pat. With Trevor ‘Buenos’ Dias, Steve Carmichael and Del Sim also seen in the same club you wonder what sort of shenanigans were going on. For now, let’s focus on the team, and not on Robinson’s unnerving interest in the one of the lady-boy backing singers.”
“Good call. So who’s out this year? Last season these guys managed to play 16 different people in only 10 matches. You can’t run a franchise like that – it’s not good business! Every week they seemed to introduce someone new to the team who then disappeared without a trace. It was like the old Star Trek episodes when you knew that the new lieutenant handpicked for the mission was going to be wiped out before the show was over. ”
“Well, the core of the team remains the same, but the management’s changed – coach ‘wonder’ walls finally did the decent thing and stood down.”
“About time too Randy. Have you seen his record in the Slough Renegade league this season? Man, this guy was sinking like Venice, and stinking just a bad! I saw the averages table – and “average” was the right name for it - and this guy propped up more players than the Thatched Cottage bar during 2 for 1 rose wine night.”
“Pat, it’s back to ‘playing only’ for the failed ex-captain. There’s a new man in charge and it’s coach John Shiel. He’s promising to shake things up and get some competition for places for a change. The ‘Wonder’, JY, ‘Magic 105.4’ Cameron, ‘Slugger’ Southam and ‘Grinder’ Greenwood still remain from last years failed campaign. Add to that the new talents of Ben Kiely and Vic Summers and things are taking shape.”
“What about Brad ‘the Bear’ Robinson Randy, is he going to appear this season ?”
“Well he says he is but who knows?? This guy is about as reliable as a Dave Bryant result card - you never know if it’ll turn up and what it will be like if it does!”
“I’m going to have to interrupt you there Randy because we have just received breaking news about the draw for the section. ..Uh huh…. Yeah ...honestly ?…man alive! Oh its bad, it’s really bad!”
Racks Pack
Thatched Cottage B
The Likely Lads
Earls Angels
Golden X A
Farmers Rats
Rose A
“Randy this is a horror show! Who made the draw - Norman Bates?? This is carnage all the way from here ‘til Thanksgiving. Not only are the Thatched Cottage in the mix, but also Terry ‘the turncoat’ Dingley’s Likely Lads team! Oh boy it’s time to hide behind the sofas because I don’t think my mom is going to let me watch this season!”
“Pat, this should be pay per view because we have group of death that all punters and fans alike are going to be glued to this summer. You couldn’t hand pick a deadlier section. With the ‘derby’ factor of the Earls Angels and all the links they have to Racks, and the unpredictability of the Golden Cross and you have a script of Stephen King proportions. They will be queueing round the block for these matches”
“I hope the Farmers Rats and the Rose A have kitted themselves out with some tin hats because there is some heavy artillery heading their way. Coach Shiel has just got to love the opportunity of knocking out Dingley’s side after that double cross he pulled in setting up his own side on the quiet”
“You know it! Craig Shurley-Not, “Dancin” Danny Rajput, Steve “She wanted more” Carmichael and the Marlow Salsa King Nick Stapley are all coming to this party. Not to mention Ray and Andy the ‘Right Said Fred’ of local pool. It’s a bloodbath !”
“Randy, should we take a look at the rest of the divisions ?”
“What’s the point Pat? This is where the action is! Let’s face it, if you pull a stunner who’s already promised you a tug by 8 o’clock, then why bother wasting the rest of the night buying her more drinks?”
“Wise words Randy - we could all learn from you!”
“Damn straight Pat. This draw has sorted out the men from the boys. Now it’s time to separate the wheat from the chaff.”
“You’re right – the action starts on the 21st July with our heroes kicking off at home to the Earls Angels in front of a sell out crowd down at Racks.
You’ve been listening to ASN with my co-host Randy Ogre and me Pat Butterscotch. Remember, don’t be a stranger at the bar, goodnight.”
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