Week 2 Captain's Report - Home versus Grenfell Rats

Greeting from Australia!

This reporter's commitment knows no limits, and despite an urgent assignment on the far side of the earth, I bring you the latest pool report from Captain Walls.

CAPTAINS REPORT
Keith Walls

BAD WILL HUNTING (or Swanny, Swanny, wherefore art thou Swanny?)

I knew we were in for a rough night when I picked up the first message on my mobile Monday morning. My cunning plan of only using six players in the season and filling in as and when needed had not been received well in all quarters but I had reassured everyone that it wouldn't be a problem. This Monday was going to be the biggest test as Lee and 26 of his closest friends and family members were in Spain for the next three weeks and my vice-under-sub-committee captain Kevin was in Australia for a week. Still, I had it under control as Neil, JY , myself and Brad were available and Lees mate Daryl had offered to cover for him so that was five and of course Leo had said he would make up the six.

First signs that all was not going according to plan was when Daryl sent me a text message to say he wouldn't make it. But its not a big deal as that still leaves five of us and we can nick someone from Racks as we are at home.

So I amble up to Racks at 6:30 have a beer and start looking for an extra player. Neil arrives along with JY and all I need now is Leo and Brad. Another text message later and Brad tells me he wont make it until 8:45pm. That's ok , we will put him on sixth.

Come 8pm and there is no sign of Leo. Treddy calls him and finds out that he cant make it so now I'm worried. It leaves us with four players but seeing how Racks is packed at the moment I can confidently expect to nab another two players. That's until I discover that everyone in the place is playing for Dom Taylors team ! He has about 12 players lined up against the far wall like the dirty dozen on parade and none of them are eligible for us ! The Grenfell turn up expecting to start but instead we are scrambling to fill in the gaps. In the end the only options we have is to play Justina and Hannah the bar staff. The card now looks like this :

Justina
Neil
Keith
JY
*blank*
Brad

Justina does her level best and is desperately unlucky to lose on the black when her opponent hits one of those “gone for the double and landed the treble” shots. Its 0-1 but Im confident that the four of us can nick 7 frames for the win. That's until I get another message from Brad “Wont make it, got to take boss to Watford – good luck”

Oh crap.

Justina then tells us she has to go and can't play in the second half, and Hannah can't play because she is the only staff available. The card now looks like this

Justina - Lost
Neil
Keith
JY
*blank*
*blank*

Now totally desperate for players JY and I start ringing everyone we can think of whether they can play pool or not. I call work colleagues and even other teams looking for some help. In some cases I get whats coming to me, especially when I ring Shaun Tufnell who was looking for a team only a few days ago. I leave him a message to call me and he rings back to say that he has just played his first frame for the Pond House so cant play. He even drops in the ‘I thought you didn't need anyone anyway’ and I'm forced to eat humble pie. Dave Bartlett gives me the same response in between laughter as I explain how we have three players plus Justina and its 8.30pm. We even considered calling Andy Brant at one point but there's only so low you can stoop. Oh why oh why didn't we keep hold of Mark ‘budgemeister’ Swan. Always reliable and there every week come rain or shine but lost in the winter separation of wheat and chaff!!

Finally John gets hold of some guy in his 50s called John Cornell and his wife Sharon who he hasn't seen in about four years that live in Langley. He convinces them to drive all the way from Langley to Racks to bail us out. But its now 8:45pm and they wont make it until 9:30pm.

Meanwhile on the baize Neil wins his game and I go on to beat Alfie Blackman for a 2-1 lead. JY then slows down almost to a standstill trying to kill time before the Cornell family arrive. It was like when you tell him its his round at the bar. I swear if it wasn't for the rotation of the earth he wouldn't have been moving at all. He has two reds over the pocket but taps into them for every shot as we wait for the arrivals. Unfortunately there was no more tapping left to do and John had to finish off the frame for 3-1. Enter Will Graham……

Poor Will. Turned up at Racks with his mate for a quiet game of pool and ended up getting harassed by me into playing the fifth frame. Didn't know me from Adam, although if I had known an Adam as well I would have had six players. Will didn't look too happy about it but I tried to sweeten the deal by promising him some beer. We shoved him into trap 5 despite him not knowing the rules or little else. I figured as long as he wasn't getting tucked up all the time he would be OK. But Richard Meadows of the Grenfell spotted the ‘fall guy’ and tucked him silly. In fact Richard opened up a full box of Quality Fudge Assortment as he played numerous deliberate fouls and tuck ups until Will lost the plot and in frustration smashed the white ball and anything else in his path off the table and out the fire exit door! Richard cleared up and made it 3-2 to us.

Thankfully while we picked balls up off the floor the Cornell family arrived in the nick of time. Bypassing the introductions, JY gave Mr Cornell a two minute crash course in the pool rules and a miracle occurred as he won his frame for a 4-2 lead !!!

Suddenly it was game on. As long as JY, Neil and I won in the second half we could nick a victory. So I filled out the sheet for the second half and realised that we had to go back to Will and beg him to play another frame because I forgot that Justina had left ! Will, who was still fuming about having his Monday night out mucked up, wasn't keen on playing again.

“Don't worry” I said , “you wont have a frame like that one again, you were just unlucky to play their best player”.

I sounded assuring and finally Will succumbed to the pressure and agreed to play. I managed to drag him to the table where he lost the toss to guess who…Richard Meadows! Will, in fairness to him, did a good job of holding back because he looked like he was going to bust me open with the first thing he could get hold off. I tried to calm him down by making good on my promise of beer and asked Hannah for a couple of pints of Stella for him and his mate. The first pint didn't even make it to half full before it spat, gurgled and ran dry.

“Stella's run out Keith”

Will stared me down from across the room as I sheepishly announced

“Four-X instead Will ???”

Richard was nobody's fool in the frame and must have arrived at Racks packing more fudge than a Robbie Williams tour bus because from the word go he was at it again. Finally he knocked in the black to pull the score back to 4-3 and Will sulked off to his mate. Horrible night.

On went the Cornell family. First John turned the match on its head by winning his second frame of the night to put us 5-3 up but then his wife lost an all female battle to Katie Gourd and it was 5-4. Katie walked away with ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’ when she slammed in a double on her final red rather than roll it down the cushion.

We just needed two more and with JY up next things were looking up for the first time all day. But to keep the excitement at fever pitch JY goofed up against Albie Blackman and left us needing the last two frames. 5-5

Neil then had a stormer, potting a very tricky black into the middle when a miss would have cost us the match. Two good frames on the night and both of them crucial considering the state of the team. 6-5.

So the final frame came down to me. I had something to prove seeing as it was partly my fault for the mess we were in. Luckily the pool gods smiled down on me and I broke and dished to snatch a 7-5 win and we somehow got the points.

Apart from the hassle, beer running out and constant phone calls trying to patch up a side it was an entertaining match. My gratitude goes out to Richard of the Grenfell who was very tolerant as I kept snatching the result cards off him every five minutes to change the order and the personnel. He could have spat the dummy about it but was kind enough to let it go without complaint. He deserved to win both his frames on the night just for that reason alone.

Thank goodness for Neil winning twice to support my two frames, and kudos to the star of the show who was John “late notice” Cornell. Two out of two on the night to get us the win, he left the building with Sharon and shouted out:

“by the way if you need us next week, try and let us know a bit earlier yeah ?”

Wise words indeed.


K&K