So as the season draws to a close it's time for the most eagerly anticipated night of the year, the Rackspack awards. At this years star studded gala event there were tears, laughter, more tears and lots of hearty handshakes and hugs as we celebrated the season that initially promised so much but ultimatly left us without the big prize.
As a special end-of-season treat for all our loyal fans out there in webland we've dug out this exclusive footage of life at Rackspack Towers. Click on the link below to see just what a well run operation RACKSPACK PLC is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXDC56ERO4Q
So without further ado here are the highs and lows of the season, some serious and some not so serious. The Rackspack awards 2009.
The Wish You Were Here Award
The nominees are Lee Greenwood, Ben Kiely. Gents, you didn't play all season. In our book that means you didn't lose a game. You're both winners.
The Peaked Too Early Award.
Keith Walls - who broke and dished first frame of the season and never did it again. Shortly afterwards the Showboat jackpot was born.
The “It's good to talk but sometimes it's better to shut the heck up” award
Awarded for the least helpful phone call of the season and goes to John Young. John saw Neil's car heading in the wrong direction while we were at White Waltham Social Club, so he rang Neil and told him to turn round and drive back in the other direction. Twenty minutes later we realised that it wasn’t Neil's car after all.
The Text Of The Season Award
Nominees are:
Kevin Southam for “Brads got dished by steve cox!” to Keith
Brad Robinson for “HONK HONK!“ to Neil Cameron, who was missing only his second game in three years and got this to tell him that Brad had taken the first showboat in his absence.
Craig Wilson for “I'm on the way“ sent shortly before he failed to turn up for his first appearance of the season.
No danger here as the most hated man in pool just adds to his growing reputation by texting Neil the HONK HONK - 'oribble man.
The Double Doughnut Of The Season Award
in association with Krispy Kreme – make mine a double – and Hovis – only the best bagels for your table.
The nominations are:
John Shiel v North Maidenhead Cricket Club
John Shiel v The Pond House
Neil Cameron v WAMSAD
The winner is...John Shiel v The Pond House. Not only was it a double doughnut, but it had the unique twist that he managed to lose twice to the same player - Rob Sparks. John wins a lifetime supply of doughnuts and bagels courtesy of our proud sponsors.
The Prince Phillip “you really shouldn’t have said that” special award for the most ill-advised statement of the year.
John Shiel for “just wait and see how many clearances I have this season”
Keith Walls for “Don’t worry there's 3 more after I lose this one.”
Kevin Southam for “Pick a number between 1 and 6” “5” “that’s me!”
Brad Robinson for “He’s never getting on that red from here”
A tough one. John's statement is obviously a classic, but in a close run thing between Keith's announcement at 6-2 up in the semi as he was about to play, and Brad's keen observation while Giles was dishing him up – it's going to Keith.
The Bum-drop Award
Awarded to those special players who cracked under the intense pressure of the showboat. The nominees are:
Neil Cameron – as he dambuster'd his white ball down the cushion trying to pot his last yellow
John Young - hits the jaw with black to the middle for £22
Keith - for forgetting to nominate a colour with the clearance at his mercy at NMCC
No contest. Despite the difficulty of the pot, JY's black that looked in all the way takes it. The tense build up, the change of mind at least three times on the shot, the fact it looked in and just clipped the knuckle - it had everything.
The “I Own You Rackspack Monkeys” award
All worthy winners - these are the players who regularly beat us up during the season.
Rob Sparks - Pond House
Steve Cox - The Bear ( who also dished up Brad)
Giles Denny - The Bear (who was another to dish up Brad, and was the only non-racks player to have benefited from the showboat to the tune of £1)
Tracy Harmon - The Pond House
The “Steven Seagal/Jennifer Anniston award” to the worst bit of acting by the team this summer. The joint winners are:
The team pretending to commiserate with Keith as he puts in the clearance of the season, only to free the black from his last potted red and watch it double into the middle. He not only blows the showboat but also loses the only remaining unbeaten record in the team.
At NMCC, Brad breaks and dishes to win the £2 Showboat Jackpot and everyone cheers and celebrates like we won the cup as Kevin had pocketed the £25 showboat jackpot two frames earlier.
Giles dishes up Brad with an astonishing combination of potting and good luck. We all try to tell Brad how unlucky he was while punching the air behind his back and laughing.
Showboat Clearance Of The Season
Kevin v The Pond House
Kevin v NMCC
Brad v The Pond House
Brad v NMCC
Without doubt the outstanding clearance was Kevin's against the Pond House. Having snookered himself on the final ball he managed to not only get out of the snooker but pot it and land perfect on the black - the epitomy of a Showboat finish.
Finally to complete the ceremony it's traditional to present the Honeypot loyalty club award for the most regular visitor of the season to the pot. However I can confirm that no one from the Rackspack team, staff, or affiliates visited the HP season at all not once. Ahem.
So that's it for another season. Congratulations to HEINZ 57 for winning the cup, and here's to next season when surely, and not before time, The Rackspack claim the prize that is rightfully theirs. Will they be together next season? Who will be captain? Does anyone care? All the questions and more will be answered right here so keep your tips sharp, your suits sharper, and your mouse pointed at rackspack.blogspot.com.
Until next summer, happy cueing.
K&K
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Semi Final Match Report
So it came down to this - Rackspack v Heinz 57 for a place in the final and the right to call this season the most successful ever for the Rackspack. There was rivalry everywhere you looked as players from both teams had, at some point, played both for and against each other in different teams over the years, most recently and perhaps predominantly for the Irish Club side from the Slough League.
We’re friends, fighters, lovers (in the case of Ray and Andy) and, to a man, battle-hardened pool playing veterans.
For some of us it had been a busy weekend of pool. Craigy, Brad, Andy, Terry, Neil and myself had all been at the Interleague finals in Great Yarmouth. I’d entered the national singles and so had played 6 hours on Thursday, another 9 hours Friday and 5 more Saturday. With so much baize-time under our belts neither team was going to have much in the way of excuses as we lined up to face each other in the semi finals of the world’s greatest knockout pool competition! [that last bit was a complete lie – ED]
DREAMS MEANS HEINZ
or
57 varieties and all of them budget
For some reason Monday’s semi-final was being played at the Barn Club in Marlow, the home venue of Heinz 57. This is notable only for the fact that previous semi-finals had been held at neutral venues. Had we thought about it we could have asked the captain of Heinz 57, one Terrence Dingley, who also happens to be the League Chairman, but that happy coincidence escaped us as we prepared for the biggest match of our season. We were looking forward to playing at NMCC on a the nice supreme table, but the Barn Club had two tables in very good nick and I was quite impressed by the set up.
For the match that could make or break our season Coach Southam had seven of is finest to choose form. John 'Sol Campbell' Young had not been heard from since the previous Monday. He was supposed to be coming to Yarmouth to play in the Interleague finals but never appeared and no one had seen or heard from him since the previous last Thursday. His continuing absence left us with The Wonder, The Bear, Muttley Wilson, Magic Cameron, Tizzard the Wizard, Hokey Cokey Shiel and Coach Southam. Who was going to be dropped?
SELF SACRIFICE
It’s 16th March 1912, and Captain Scott’s hand-picked team of explorers had been beaten by the Norwegians in a race to the south Pole, and they faced near-certain death as their return trip was best by problems and injury. Aware his ill-health was slowing the team down and compromising their lives, Captain Lawrence Oates told them that he was “just going outside for a walk and I may be some time” before walking out into the blizzard.
In a act of perhaps even greater self-sacrifice Coach Southam took himself out of the first six. Was it the supreme act of selflessness a la Oates and his suicide? Perhaps. Of course it may have had something to do with the fact there was no Showboat Jackpot anymore and without the money he wasn’t interested. Either way he was on a drop-tip.
Hokey was up first and looked set to clear up on his first visit. We girded our loins and braced ourselves as finally John looked set to deliver the clearance he had promised for three months, but it wasn’t to be as he rattled his second last ball. Ray "I love you Andy" Wootton attempted a snooker but left John with second chance to win it, but with almost no angle on his last red he couldn’t get up the table for the black. It left a long double to put us one up and although it looked to be flying in, it rattled in the jaws and Ray took out a nice finish for the Heinz.
The Wonder played Sean Gourley in frame two, a frame that he never really got much of a look in. Sean had it sewn up early on and after failing to cover a pocket Sean finished and we were 2-0 down.
We needed to turn this around and it took a bit of luck to set us on the way. Andy "I love you Ray" Brant was up against Brad and almost from the beginning of the frame it looked like just a matter of time before Andy won the frame. Maybe it was the pressure, maybe it was the fact that he kept breaking wind every three minutes - either way Andy missed a simple black to the centre and the Bear swallowed up the opportunity. It was 2-1 when we really should have been three down.
Muttley Wilson was up next against Aslan AKA Steve Carmichael. The omens were ominous for the pack. Not only Steve’s golden mane back to it’s optimum length and shine, Craigy had been awful at Yarmouth - and that’s being kind to him. But when he broke against Steve "she wanted more" Carmichael and potted four reds he was happier than a Great Dane with its head sticking out of the car window. A few shots later Muttley had dished up and it was “levels you devils” at 2-2. Suddenly that miss of Andy’s was looking more and more important.
When Tizzy wiped out Mark Rowley and Neil beat Nik "Salsa King" Stapley in the space of 15 minutes we headed into the break 4-2 and seemingly in cruise-control. Not even the Heinz 57 ‘s wind section i.e. Andy’s backside or their attempted gang bang of our Coach during the interval could derail us.
A GAME OF TWO HALVES
Coach decided that he wouldn’t play in the back half either, and left it to us to seal the victory our first half play deserved. The next two frames would be vital and The Bear put us 5-2 up by beating Ray. Craigy was now unstoppable and Sean Gourley was his next victim to take us to the brink of victory at 6-2. It now became a matter of who would take the winning frame. The Wonder was up next and showed just how confident he was by declaring "don’t worry, we will still have three more winning chances after this one". True to his word he broke, came up dry, and Andy cleared up. It was a typical Andos finish - it looked easy but he whammed his third last red in and the white was hurtling along too fast. But it caught the middle knuckle and bounced out into the centre of the table to leave him perfect on the next ball. Two shaky pots to the middle later it was 6-3. A mere consolation frame for Heinz?
Hokey Cokey was next. He had taken more verbals this summer than a first-day recruit at boot camp, and after all the flak it was fitting that he would take the winning frame to put us into the final. Everything went according to plan and all that was needed was a long red to then finish on the last two and...oops! The pot missed by a long way and for once the phrase of "Maidenhead is closer" was bang on. A let off for Heinz and Steve Carmichael pulled it back to 6-4. The only thing tidier than his finish was his hair.
Not to worry, with Tizzard The Wizard up next against Nik Stapley we would be alright. And we were alright, right up until the point where Nik dished up off Tizzys break. 6-5 and it was time for a change of trousers.
Frame twelve, and Terry had gambled on his team getting them this far and put himself on last. Terry broke and they were all on. Neil stepped in, took out four reds and then was left with a long one to the corner. With two other reds over the pockets it was all on this pot to take us to the final! When the red was last seen bouncing back up the table in the direction it came from we knew we were in serious trouble. Terry had been on top form in Yarmouth over the weekend and he carried it on here. A couple of safety shots take a few bags, push a red safe and the next thing we knew Terry was on a black for an incredible 6-6 finish.
"GET IN THERE!"
6-6 and it was eyes down for the decider. The season that was 144 frames old now rested on one single match up.
I had this feeling we were going to lose. It had been an odd match, 2-0 down, winning six in a row then losing four in a row. Both momentum and history were in their favour. Look back over the last three years and we have been knocked out twice already on sudden death frames. Andy Treadwell and The Wonder had all failed when it mattered and now it was down to the Bear to save us. In truth we could have taken Craigy as he was potting them off the chandeliers but Brad was pretty much the automatic selection. Maybe we should throw in a googly and put the Coach in for his first frame of the night? Maybe not.
As it happened we went with Brad and Heinz went with Sean Gourley. As they began the 13th and final frame you could have heard a pin drop - if it was loud enough to be heard over Andy’s near-constant wind.
The break went well for Brad and it was just a matter of time for when he made his move to win it. When Sean went for a rather odd attempt at a snooker rather than clear a pocket it looked like it was ours. Brad had two yellows stuck together two inches from the middle pocket and in a perfect plant, the other yellow close to the opposite middle and a black that went into the corner. But after potting the plant Brad overran the white. It was tense stuff and it was showing. It left a nick into the middle that went in and when the white knocked into the black leaving a long “Robbie Williams” yellow to the top left I finally thought to myself "we've got it, thank goodness for that".
and then he missed it...
It wasn’t’ an easy pot under the pressure and when Brad starting leaning to his right and staring the ball down as it made its way to the pocket it was always going to be touch and go whether it dropped. It didn’t. Sean was left with a simple finish to take the frame and match and 'like that *poof*..it’s gone"
We were out, and yet again on the deciding frame. How does a team as good as us blow a 6-2 lead? How can we lose five in a row like that? In truth I don’t think we did much wrong. John missed a red to win it back at 6-3 but The Wonder and Tizzy never saw a chance. Neil had a tough long pot in his match and once that missed Terry never looked like losing that frame either. It was just one of those things. We rattled in six frames after going 2-0 down where they didn’t get much of a look and the pool gods obviously decided to level it up. I guess it’s just one of those things…just one of those things that keeps happening to us year on year, summer after summer! We have to take our hats off to the Heinz boys. Backs to the wall, and even though we only handed them a couple of chances at a finish they didn’t miss at all when that chance came. It was an excellent performance by them under pressure and perhaps in the wake of the result we all kind of forgot just what a quality match it was. We saw four dishes if I remember rightly (Craigy, Brad, Andy and Nik) and very few frames where there was a genuinely bad shot or missed ball.
So Heinz march on to the final and we pick up our cue cases and march off in a strop yet again. Can we sack Coach Southam? He didn’t play himself so we cant really blame him or can we? Bottom line - we failed!
"We took it hard, we took it long" The Heinz 57 mascots Ray & Andy show us how it's done.
This Saturday is the pool event of the year. No, not Thames Valley League presentation night but the star-studded gala we call the Rackspack Annual Flair Awards, also known as the RAFA’s. Stay tuned for all the gossip, highlights and lowlights as we put our winners and losers into the next blog entry.
Happy cueing.
We’re friends, fighters, lovers (in the case of Ray and Andy) and, to a man, battle-hardened pool playing veterans.
For some of us it had been a busy weekend of pool. Craigy, Brad, Andy, Terry, Neil and myself had all been at the Interleague finals in Great Yarmouth. I’d entered the national singles and so had played 6 hours on Thursday, another 9 hours Friday and 5 more Saturday. With so much baize-time under our belts neither team was going to have much in the way of excuses as we lined up to face each other in the semi finals of the world’s greatest knockout pool competition! [that last bit was a complete lie – ED]
DREAMS MEANS HEINZ
or
57 varieties and all of them budget
For some reason Monday’s semi-final was being played at the Barn Club in Marlow, the home venue of Heinz 57. This is notable only for the fact that previous semi-finals had been held at neutral venues. Had we thought about it we could have asked the captain of Heinz 57, one Terrence Dingley, who also happens to be the League Chairman, but that happy coincidence escaped us as we prepared for the biggest match of our season. We were looking forward to playing at NMCC on a the nice supreme table, but the Barn Club had two tables in very good nick and I was quite impressed by the set up.
For the match that could make or break our season Coach Southam had seven of is finest to choose form. John 'Sol Campbell' Young had not been heard from since the previous Monday. He was supposed to be coming to Yarmouth to play in the Interleague finals but never appeared and no one had seen or heard from him since the previous last Thursday. His continuing absence left us with The Wonder, The Bear, Muttley Wilson, Magic Cameron, Tizzard the Wizard, Hokey Cokey Shiel and Coach Southam. Who was going to be dropped?
SELF SACRIFICE
It’s 16th March 1912, and Captain Scott’s hand-picked team of explorers had been beaten by the Norwegians in a race to the south Pole, and they faced near-certain death as their return trip was best by problems and injury. Aware his ill-health was slowing the team down and compromising their lives, Captain Lawrence Oates told them that he was “just going outside for a walk and I may be some time” before walking out into the blizzard.
In a act of perhaps even greater self-sacrifice Coach Southam took himself out of the first six. Was it the supreme act of selflessness a la Oates and his suicide? Perhaps. Of course it may have had something to do with the fact there was no Showboat Jackpot anymore and without the money he wasn’t interested. Either way he was on a drop-tip.
Hokey was up first and looked set to clear up on his first visit. We girded our loins and braced ourselves as finally John looked set to deliver the clearance he had promised for three months, but it wasn’t to be as he rattled his second last ball. Ray "I love you Andy" Wootton attempted a snooker but left John with second chance to win it, but with almost no angle on his last red he couldn’t get up the table for the black. It left a long double to put us one up and although it looked to be flying in, it rattled in the jaws and Ray took out a nice finish for the Heinz.
The Wonder played Sean Gourley in frame two, a frame that he never really got much of a look in. Sean had it sewn up early on and after failing to cover a pocket Sean finished and we were 2-0 down.
We needed to turn this around and it took a bit of luck to set us on the way. Andy "I love you Ray" Brant was up against Brad and almost from the beginning of the frame it looked like just a matter of time before Andy won the frame. Maybe it was the pressure, maybe it was the fact that he kept breaking wind every three minutes - either way Andy missed a simple black to the centre and the Bear swallowed up the opportunity. It was 2-1 when we really should have been three down.
Muttley Wilson was up next against Aslan AKA Steve Carmichael. The omens were ominous for the pack. Not only Steve’s golden mane back to it’s optimum length and shine, Craigy had been awful at Yarmouth - and that’s being kind to him. But when he broke against Steve "she wanted more" Carmichael and potted four reds he was happier than a Great Dane with its head sticking out of the car window. A few shots later Muttley had dished up and it was “levels you devils” at 2-2. Suddenly that miss of Andy’s was looking more and more important.
When Tizzy wiped out Mark Rowley and Neil beat Nik "Salsa King" Stapley in the space of 15 minutes we headed into the break 4-2 and seemingly in cruise-control. Not even the Heinz 57 ‘s wind section i.e. Andy’s backside or their attempted gang bang of our Coach during the interval could derail us.
A GAME OF TWO HALVES
Coach decided that he wouldn’t play in the back half either, and left it to us to seal the victory our first half play deserved. The next two frames would be vital and The Bear put us 5-2 up by beating Ray. Craigy was now unstoppable and Sean Gourley was his next victim to take us to the brink of victory at 6-2. It now became a matter of who would take the winning frame. The Wonder was up next and showed just how confident he was by declaring "don’t worry, we will still have three more winning chances after this one". True to his word he broke, came up dry, and Andy cleared up. It was a typical Andos finish - it looked easy but he whammed his third last red in and the white was hurtling along too fast. But it caught the middle knuckle and bounced out into the centre of the table to leave him perfect on the next ball. Two shaky pots to the middle later it was 6-3. A mere consolation frame for Heinz?
Hokey Cokey was next. He had taken more verbals this summer than a first-day recruit at boot camp, and after all the flak it was fitting that he would take the winning frame to put us into the final. Everything went according to plan and all that was needed was a long red to then finish on the last two and...oops! The pot missed by a long way and for once the phrase of "Maidenhead is closer" was bang on. A let off for Heinz and Steve Carmichael pulled it back to 6-4. The only thing tidier than his finish was his hair.
Not to worry, with Tizzard The Wizard up next against Nik Stapley we would be alright. And we were alright, right up until the point where Nik dished up off Tizzys break. 6-5 and it was time for a change of trousers.
Frame twelve, and Terry had gambled on his team getting them this far and put himself on last. Terry broke and they were all on. Neil stepped in, took out four reds and then was left with a long one to the corner. With two other reds over the pockets it was all on this pot to take us to the final! When the red was last seen bouncing back up the table in the direction it came from we knew we were in serious trouble. Terry had been on top form in Yarmouth over the weekend and he carried it on here. A couple of safety shots take a few bags, push a red safe and the next thing we knew Terry was on a black for an incredible 6-6 finish.
"GET IN THERE!"
6-6 and it was eyes down for the decider. The season that was 144 frames old now rested on one single match up.
I had this feeling we were going to lose. It had been an odd match, 2-0 down, winning six in a row then losing four in a row. Both momentum and history were in their favour. Look back over the last three years and we have been knocked out twice already on sudden death frames. Andy Treadwell and The Wonder had all failed when it mattered and now it was down to the Bear to save us. In truth we could have taken Craigy as he was potting them off the chandeliers but Brad was pretty much the automatic selection. Maybe we should throw in a googly and put the Coach in for his first frame of the night? Maybe not.
As it happened we went with Brad and Heinz went with Sean Gourley. As they began the 13th and final frame you could have heard a pin drop - if it was loud enough to be heard over Andy’s near-constant wind.
The break went well for Brad and it was just a matter of time for when he made his move to win it. When Sean went for a rather odd attempt at a snooker rather than clear a pocket it looked like it was ours. Brad had two yellows stuck together two inches from the middle pocket and in a perfect plant, the other yellow close to the opposite middle and a black that went into the corner. But after potting the plant Brad overran the white. It was tense stuff and it was showing. It left a nick into the middle that went in and when the white knocked into the black leaving a long “Robbie Williams” yellow to the top left I finally thought to myself "we've got it, thank goodness for that".
and then he missed it...
It wasn’t’ an easy pot under the pressure and when Brad starting leaning to his right and staring the ball down as it made its way to the pocket it was always going to be touch and go whether it dropped. It didn’t. Sean was left with a simple finish to take the frame and match and 'like that *poof*..it’s gone"
We were out, and yet again on the deciding frame. How does a team as good as us blow a 6-2 lead? How can we lose five in a row like that? In truth I don’t think we did much wrong. John missed a red to win it back at 6-3 but The Wonder and Tizzy never saw a chance. Neil had a tough long pot in his match and once that missed Terry never looked like losing that frame either. It was just one of those things. We rattled in six frames after going 2-0 down where they didn’t get much of a look and the pool gods obviously decided to level it up. I guess it’s just one of those things…just one of those things that keeps happening to us year on year, summer after summer! We have to take our hats off to the Heinz boys. Backs to the wall, and even though we only handed them a couple of chances at a finish they didn’t miss at all when that chance came. It was an excellent performance by them under pressure and perhaps in the wake of the result we all kind of forgot just what a quality match it was. We saw four dishes if I remember rightly (Craigy, Brad, Andy and Nik) and very few frames where there was a genuinely bad shot or missed ball.
So Heinz march on to the final and we pick up our cue cases and march off in a strop yet again. Can we sack Coach Southam? He didn’t play himself so we cant really blame him or can we? Bottom line - we failed!
"We took it hard, we took it long" The Heinz 57 mascots Ray & Andy show us how it's done.
This Saturday is the pool event of the year. No, not Thames Valley League presentation night but the star-studded gala we call the Rackspack Annual Flair Awards, also known as the RAFA’s. Stay tuned for all the gossip, highlights and lowlights as we put our winners and losers into the next blog entry.
Happy cueing.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Quarter Final Match Report - Home versus WAMSAD
With the quarter final draw now published we looked at the fixtures and saw WAMSAD at home. Nice one, we thought, we can put that to bed early and then shoot down to the Bell to watch BAPL play the Forresters, should be a good match. That cunning plan went awry thanks to a bloke with a broken arm, a woman nine months pregnant and worryingly, a nasty case of the jitters.
The Mummy’s Revenge
Here at Rackspack towers we’ve never lacked confidence. Even before the draw for the quarterfinals we were confident that Coach Southam could succeed where others had failed in the past i.e. take Rackspack to the summer league title and onwards to knockout glory. Our confidence was such that even at this crucial time, Coach Southam had taken leave of us to chair the meeting of the International Brothel Playboys Union in Germany. It was a gathering where a Zorro mask and white bobbie socks are the ensemble du jour. It meant that we weren’t able to count on his vast leadership qualities as we prepared for our quarter final with WAMSAD.
Not a massive surprise to start the night, JY had mailed earlier me to say that he'd spoke to Tizzard and he was definitely coming, only for the aforementioned “Wizard” to not turn up. Never mind, Craig 'Muttley' Wilson was on hand and ready to show us just what he could do with a load of balls and a (four hundred pound) Parris Cue [eat your heart out Chas and Dave – Ed.]
For the serious stuff of the quarter finals the Showboat has been suspended, and it was down to the 'Wonder' Walls to take on the mammoth task of getting the order just right for this last 8 clash. Throwing caution and common sense to the wind, and in stark contrast to his stint as team captain, he decided to lead from the front and put himself in first. His opponent was Mark 'The Mummy' Richbell. Why the Mummy? Fresh from a broken arm Mark’s arm was wrapped up tighter than Tutankhamen and was only playing as WAMSAD were missing two of their normal starting line up. Because of the state of his arm he had to give Wonder the break – a bizarre move in itself - however more bizarre was the sight of Mark getting prepared for the frame.
See if you can picture this - Mark in full arm cast holding the cue horizontally and then one player holding the top end of the cue, another player the 'butt' end a third unwrapping some of the bandage from his busted arm and tying Mark’s hand to the cue! Eventually man and cue had become one and we were underway.
The Wonder broke and went for it, then seemed to forget what he actually went for and then realised he should have stayed home and ordered it online as "The Mummy" cleared up with his second visit to put WAMSAD 1-0 up. We all knew that the Wonder could be beaten by a man with one arm and now the evidence was right there in front of our eyes.
“Mark celebrates his win with the Peter Crouch Robot Dance”
Frame two, and Hokey Cokey has taken more slating this season than the roof of St Paul’s Cathedral but he ground out the next one in his usual composed fashion. Andy Gatehouse didn’t get much of a look in once HC covered a couple of pockets and it was 1-1.
Chris Stanmore then missed a great chance to put WAMSAD in front when he missed a red against the 'Bear' and when Muttley put his new cue to good use against Sam Stanmore normal service had been resumed. 3-1 to the Pack.
Frame five and it was the turn of the Rackspack Sol Campbell AKA John Young. Just like the "Velvet Judas" JY also tends to disappear after one match, and who knew what to expect as he took on Debbie "I’m expecting" Richbell. Yes, young Debbie was 8 and 3/4 months into her attempt at breeding. Interestingly if you put her and JY behind a screen and made silhouettes you might have struggled to guess who was who. So with Mark "the Mummy" Richbell having already played we now had Debbie "The Mummy II" Richbell coming out of trap five. All we needed now was the little one to appear and we could have had a trilogy.
As it was JY got the solid a good victory we needed. Debbie was struggling to reach the white when there was a stretch on and was using HCs hand for bridging in order to play some shots. This led to the question of whether or not we could still claim 2 shots if HC accidentally touched a ball? Still she was unlucky in that while clearing up the reds she inadvertently snookered herself on the last two balls and it cost her the frame.
4-1 up and surely it was all over? Not so fast readers. Matt Fry was a grateful recipient of a frame when Magic somehow potted a red and cannoned the black across the table and into the middle bag and 4-2.
We couldn’t afford to be complacent so the Wonder went for the jugular and put Bradley Bear out to bat in frame 7 with strict instructions to come back with a win. Mark 'The Mummy' had got his strap on sorted out and was looking for the unlikeliest double in league pool – beating the Bear and the Wonder in one sitting. Well, 5 minutes later this unlikeliest of doubles was written into pool folklore as the bandaged maestro did it again and secured a more popular double than Les Dawson’s chin and suddenly it was 4-3. Now everyone wanted a bandage and to be tied to their cues as it seemed to work miracles.
At that point the last thing I need was to be asked for an update by Coach Southam…
(text from Coach) “How’s it going”
(text to Coach) "It’s 4-3! Me and Brad have lost to a bloke with a broken arm."
(text from Coach) "you guys better not lose. How can you play pool with a broken arm? In fact you'll find out if you screw this up!"
Technology – isn’t it wonderful.
4-3, game on, and it was time for us to open our legs and show our class. Muttley Wilson played Andrew Gatehouse and after missing a black Muttley found himself snookered. He got out of it but the frame was there for the taking. Andrew was left with the classic 'Robbie Williams' into the top right hand pocket (looks straight but definitely isn’t). It rattled, but he left Craig snookered yet again. But you don’t buy an expensive cue like Craig’s unless you either know how to fluke your way out of a snooker or you are completely stupid. Luckily for us it was the former, and a missed red from Andrew and it was soon 5-3.
Frame nine and the Wonder had to redeem himself. His confidence was severely dented after losing to a one armed pool player. In order to try and make certain of the frame he tried something totally out of character - a safety shot. Looking like he had been playing them all his life he glanced off his yellow…and sunk the white into the corner bag! But Sam Stanmore missed his one chance when he tried to free his red near the corner and didn’t get it clear. The Wonder played an excellent positional shot (one out of ten isn’t bad) to get onto his penultimate ball and we were on the hill at 6-3.
'Safety is not The Wonder's strong point'
We needed one more and we got it via Hokey Cokey as he did the business with a no nonsense effort on Chris Stanmore. John 'Sol Campbell'' Young took out Matt Fry in good style and while we munched on the sandwiches the only excitement left was whether or not Neil ‘Magic’ Cameron could save himself from the dreaded double doughnut against Debbie "The Mummy II". As it turned out Magic couldn’t pull a rabbit out of the hat this time, and it was the yummy mummy who beat Magic and left him with the doughy taste of two losses. Debbie then told us that the kid was due on Monday, and it was to be called Neil – ironic, because we've got a Neil and he is going to be dropped next Monday as well!
So it finished 8-4 and after the handshakes and cast-shakes we raced to The Bell to catch the rest of their match, except it was all over – BAPL had beaten The Foresters 7-0! What on earth happened there? If anyone cared they would have their own blog! Next week we’re in the semi final versus Heinz 57 and plenty of inter team rivalry as the members of the Thursday night Irish Club side find themselves on opposite sides for a place in the final.
Happy cueing.
The Mummy’s Revenge
Here at Rackspack towers we’ve never lacked confidence. Even before the draw for the quarterfinals we were confident that Coach Southam could succeed where others had failed in the past i.e. take Rackspack to the summer league title and onwards to knockout glory. Our confidence was such that even at this crucial time, Coach Southam had taken leave of us to chair the meeting of the International Brothel Playboys Union in Germany. It was a gathering where a Zorro mask and white bobbie socks are the ensemble du jour. It meant that we weren’t able to count on his vast leadership qualities as we prepared for our quarter final with WAMSAD.
Not a massive surprise to start the night, JY had mailed earlier me to say that he'd spoke to Tizzard and he was definitely coming, only for the aforementioned “Wizard” to not turn up. Never mind, Craig 'Muttley' Wilson was on hand and ready to show us just what he could do with a load of balls and a (four hundred pound) Parris Cue [eat your heart out Chas and Dave – Ed.]
For the serious stuff of the quarter finals the Showboat has been suspended, and it was down to the 'Wonder' Walls to take on the mammoth task of getting the order just right for this last 8 clash. Throwing caution and common sense to the wind, and in stark contrast to his stint as team captain, he decided to lead from the front and put himself in first. His opponent was Mark 'The Mummy' Richbell. Why the Mummy? Fresh from a broken arm Mark’s arm was wrapped up tighter than Tutankhamen and was only playing as WAMSAD were missing two of their normal starting line up. Because of the state of his arm he had to give Wonder the break – a bizarre move in itself - however more bizarre was the sight of Mark getting prepared for the frame.
See if you can picture this - Mark in full arm cast holding the cue horizontally and then one player holding the top end of the cue, another player the 'butt' end a third unwrapping some of the bandage from his busted arm and tying Mark’s hand to the cue! Eventually man and cue had become one and we were underway.
The Wonder broke and went for it, then seemed to forget what he actually went for and then realised he should have stayed home and ordered it online as "The Mummy" cleared up with his second visit to put WAMSAD 1-0 up. We all knew that the Wonder could be beaten by a man with one arm and now the evidence was right there in front of our eyes.
“Mark celebrates his win with the Peter Crouch Robot Dance”
Frame two, and Hokey Cokey has taken more slating this season than the roof of St Paul’s Cathedral but he ground out the next one in his usual composed fashion. Andy Gatehouse didn’t get much of a look in once HC covered a couple of pockets and it was 1-1.
Chris Stanmore then missed a great chance to put WAMSAD in front when he missed a red against the 'Bear' and when Muttley put his new cue to good use against Sam Stanmore normal service had been resumed. 3-1 to the Pack.
Frame five and it was the turn of the Rackspack Sol Campbell AKA John Young. Just like the "Velvet Judas" JY also tends to disappear after one match, and who knew what to expect as he took on Debbie "I’m expecting" Richbell. Yes, young Debbie was 8 and 3/4 months into her attempt at breeding. Interestingly if you put her and JY behind a screen and made silhouettes you might have struggled to guess who was who. So with Mark "the Mummy" Richbell having already played we now had Debbie "The Mummy II" Richbell coming out of trap five. All we needed now was the little one to appear and we could have had a trilogy.
As it was JY got the solid a good victory we needed. Debbie was struggling to reach the white when there was a stretch on and was using HCs hand for bridging in order to play some shots. This led to the question of whether or not we could still claim 2 shots if HC accidentally touched a ball? Still she was unlucky in that while clearing up the reds she inadvertently snookered herself on the last two balls and it cost her the frame.
4-1 up and surely it was all over? Not so fast readers. Matt Fry was a grateful recipient of a frame when Magic somehow potted a red and cannoned the black across the table and into the middle bag and 4-2.
We couldn’t afford to be complacent so the Wonder went for the jugular and put Bradley Bear out to bat in frame 7 with strict instructions to come back with a win. Mark 'The Mummy' had got his strap on sorted out and was looking for the unlikeliest double in league pool – beating the Bear and the Wonder in one sitting. Well, 5 minutes later this unlikeliest of doubles was written into pool folklore as the bandaged maestro did it again and secured a more popular double than Les Dawson’s chin and suddenly it was 4-3. Now everyone wanted a bandage and to be tied to their cues as it seemed to work miracles.
At that point the last thing I need was to be asked for an update by Coach Southam…
(text from Coach) “How’s it going”
(text to Coach) "It’s 4-3! Me and Brad have lost to a bloke with a broken arm."
(text from Coach) "you guys better not lose. How can you play pool with a broken arm? In fact you'll find out if you screw this up!"
Technology – isn’t it wonderful.
4-3, game on, and it was time for us to open our legs and show our class. Muttley Wilson played Andrew Gatehouse and after missing a black Muttley found himself snookered. He got out of it but the frame was there for the taking. Andrew was left with the classic 'Robbie Williams' into the top right hand pocket (looks straight but definitely isn’t). It rattled, but he left Craig snookered yet again. But you don’t buy an expensive cue like Craig’s unless you either know how to fluke your way out of a snooker or you are completely stupid. Luckily for us it was the former, and a missed red from Andrew and it was soon 5-3.
Frame nine and the Wonder had to redeem himself. His confidence was severely dented after losing to a one armed pool player. In order to try and make certain of the frame he tried something totally out of character - a safety shot. Looking like he had been playing them all his life he glanced off his yellow…and sunk the white into the corner bag! But Sam Stanmore missed his one chance when he tried to free his red near the corner and didn’t get it clear. The Wonder played an excellent positional shot (one out of ten isn’t bad) to get onto his penultimate ball and we were on the hill at 6-3.
'Safety is not The Wonder's strong point'
We needed one more and we got it via Hokey Cokey as he did the business with a no nonsense effort on Chris Stanmore. John 'Sol Campbell'' Young took out Matt Fry in good style and while we munched on the sandwiches the only excitement left was whether or not Neil ‘Magic’ Cameron could save himself from the dreaded double doughnut against Debbie "The Mummy II". As it turned out Magic couldn’t pull a rabbit out of the hat this time, and it was the yummy mummy who beat Magic and left him with the doughy taste of two losses. Debbie then told us that the kid was due on Monday, and it was to be called Neil – ironic, because we've got a Neil and he is going to be dropped next Monday as well!
So it finished 8-4 and after the handshakes and cast-shakes we raced to The Bell to catch the rest of their match, except it was all over – BAPL had beaten The Foresters 7-0! What on earth happened there? If anyone cared they would have their own blog! Next week we’re in the semi final versus Heinz 57 and plenty of inter team rivalry as the members of the Thursday night Irish Club side find themselves on opposite sides for a place in the final.
Happy cueing.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Match report - home versus The Pondhouse
Before we get to this week report, we'll dip straight into the mailbox and we've received a letter from Giles Denney's lawyers. Giles, you'll remember, dished Brad last week and was promoted by Brad to take his title of The Most Hated Man In Pool:
--------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
I am instructed on behalf of my Client, "the second most hated man in pool", to instigate immediate proceedings against you, should you fail to cease and desist from your blatant deformation and improper promotion of my client from "second most" to "most". Your proposition is ridiculous and we will have no problem establishing the facts by way of testimony from his fellow Rackspack team and for that matter half of Maidenhead! Brad is the most hated man in pool and for him to even consider relinquishing his top spot is clearly absurd. Whilst writing, we take the opportunity to point out that Brad seems to be under the misapprehension that turning up and showing his boat race (face) is in some way considered to be a Showboat!
Yours faithfully Dingbat, Warts & Shingles LPA & PMTS
Solicitors in Dennis Law
--------------------------------------
Thank you for getting in touch. We're very happy to say that as per your request Mr Robinson has been reinstated at the most hated man in pool.
Match Report
We'll start this week with our favourite quote from the Lord's book:
Pool 16:11 - And the Lord said "Let Rackspack be the greatest pool team ever. Let them kick arse in the Maidenhead Summer league and let anyone who stands before them be swept aside by a wave of flair". And lo, it came to pass that on the twenty first day of the ninth month in the year of two thousand and nine, Rackspack tidied up their final match of the group stages in the Maidenhead league.
The title was over some weeks ago but there was a small matter of our 100% record and the Showboat roll-over to be settled and we knew there'd be no favours done and no quarter given when we entertained The Pond House on Monday night.
The Return of the Prodigal Son
The first miracle of the evening was when I got a phone call from Craig Wilson.
"Wallsy!"
"Craigy!"
"Where are we playing tonight ?"
Craig making an appearance? What's this "we" crap? Having not been seen all season, and having promised and failed to turn up to previous matches, the 'Muttley' of Thames Valley Pool had appeared not only on the previous Thursday night in the Slough league but now for the Monday nights in Maidenhead. The smell of a trophy and the lure of the Showboat roll-over meant that Muttley (" gimme gimme medal snicker snicker snicker...") had volunteered himself for service for the final game. However with Hokey Cokey, JY, The Bear, Wonder, Magic and Coach Slugger already having declared themselves available, Craigy would have to keep his powder dry while we all had a shot at the boat.
Muttley: "Gimme gimme medal"
Another week and another Coach Southam random draw saw the Wonder stuck in lowly sixth spot. HC was up first and with time rapidly running out in his quest for a million and one dishes he had promised us, he took on Mark Webb. The red down the rail didn't drop, but a few visits later we had won the frame and John had won strangest colour selection of the season for going for reds when Yellows seemed the choice all day. The Bear looked out of sorts in the next but still pulled it together to take out the last 3 and the black to beat Ray Enderby and it was 2-0.
Pondhouse captain-for-the-night Tracy Harmon cares not for reputations. In our last encounter she left Tizzy with 7 on the table. This time she had drawn Magic Cameron. Tracy broke, potted one and then pulled out the shot of the season. Knowing full well the rules of the Showboat, she completely wrecked any chance Magic had by playing a shot which involved rolling the white right up the backside of a red, leaving Neil on nothing - not even a chance to fluke one in. It was a great shot warmly applauded by the rest of us, and the unclaimed Showboat was now pushing towards the £20 mark. A few visits later and Tracy had two yellows left to Neil's seven reds. The reds were scattered all over the middle of the table and Tracey's red was in the middle of them. All Neil had to do was flick of one of his balls and leave the white at the top of the table and she would have been snookered. Neil saw the same shot, but played in such a way to not only fail to leave her snookered, but to somehow clear a pathway through his reds for the yellow to pot in the bottom corner! Moses himself couldn't have parted those balls better. A couple of pots later and Tracy had left another "Packer" with seven. 2-1
Moses - “With a wave of the cue, the reds parted…..”
JY took out Mikey Diaz, Coach Slugger made it 4-1 and the Wonder beat James Graham to give Rackspack a healthy 5-1 lead at half-time. Beating Mikey must have taken its toll on JY, as shortly afterwards he disappeared to tend to the Thai bride he keeps at home in his basement. Craig "Muttley" Wilson stepped up to the plate for the back half and the boat was still afloat.
Return of the Whack
Having missed most of the season it was only fair that Muttley had to pay a little bit extra to join in on the showboat tomfoolery. The £3 we agreed upon was duly deposited in Justina, and it was over to Coach "Blatter" Southam for another wholly fair and above board draw...Amazingly the Wonder came in sixth and in a 'surely not' move Muttley drew trap one and was first up!
The stage was set - no one had seen him all season, our calls had gone answered and our voice-mails and texts unreturned, and yet just 8 balls separated Muttley from the eternal glory of the showboat, a prize of £22 and a popularity rating about as high as that of Emmanuel Adebayor at the Arsenal Christmas party. We held our breath as the cue was drawn back...a mighty thump followed...the break was solid but the white ball flew down the middle pocket hole quicker than John Shiel into the private cabins at the HP. Three quid for a break, that's the Showboat folks! Craigy recovered to beat Jemma Clifford but the showboat was now just a distant memory.
"When you pay £3 and go in off on the break – you’ve failed”
Hokey Cokey had one final chance to write his name into Rackspack folklore. The chance was there for all to see and he had a yellow two foot from the middle pocket to open up the frame. Unfortunately his cue brain was writing a cheque that his cue arm couldn't cash, and the yellow was left a foot short, giving away two shots for not hitting a cushion. Mark Webb couldn't, however, take advantage though and HC got his second win of the night.
“technical malfunctions beset the NASA nerds computer while waiting for news of John's first clearance”
The Miracle of the Long Yellow
Only two men had managed the giant feat of claiming a Showboat crown, the Bear (twice) and Coach. When Coach stepped in and broke against James Graham it didn't look on. There were 4 easy balls but another couple that were in a mess around the corner. He managed to work a position that let him pot yellows 5 and 6 but they left him trying to get on his last ball with a delicate little stun-run through off another ball. He tried, he failed.
"Total snooker".
Har-de-har, Coach was tucked up on the last yellow which was around the black spot. The white almost level but a couple of inches nearer the bottom cushion and a juicy red smack in between them. As we giggled amongst ourselves and looked to the scorecard to see who was up next, the miracle happened. Taking his time to size up the angles, he proceeded to smash the white off the bottom cushion with right hand side, and it cracked the yellow as clean as you like into the top right hand corner - almost the length of the table. As if that wasn't enough the white stopped perfectly for a cut on the black. A centimetre more and he was snookered - as it was the thin cut to the corner was on and a few seconds later - HONNNNNNNNNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ker-ching! £24 banked, and Coach Southam's Showboat winnings were over £50 this season.
Brad, Keith & Neil play for what was left of the showboat.
After The Lord Mayors Show
With Justina our Showboat piggy bank now emptied, the final frames were very much an anti-climax. Brad took out a nice finish to prevent Tracy from claiming another scalp, Neil avoided the double doughnut by beating Ray Enderby and the Wonder took the last against Mikey Diaz. 11-1, and a stunning result for the pack that equalled our best of the season.
So the group stages are finally over. It was ironic that Coach Southam took the last Showboat before the serious pool begins, being as he will be away with work for the quarter finals. However the rest of the pack are in fine form as our 11-1 victory showed. The quarters are next Monday, and the draw looks like this:
RACKS PACK v WAMDSAD A
GOLDEN X A v COOKHAM SOCIAL
BELL BAPL v FORESTERS
HEINZ 57 v WWSSC B
SEMI FINAL DRAW
WINNER OF GAME 4 v WINNER OF GAME 1
WINNER OF GAME 3 v WINNER OF GAME 2
So if we overcome WAMDSAD we'll be away to the might of the "Heinz 57". Heinz may have 57 varieties, but here at Rackspack towers we only have one - a catering size can of whoop-ass, and (all things going to form) we'll be dishing up all over the Heinz 57 boys in two weeks at their place.
Happy cueing.
--------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
I am instructed on behalf of my Client, "the second most hated man in pool", to instigate immediate proceedings against you, should you fail to cease and desist from your blatant deformation and improper promotion of my client from "second most" to "most". Your proposition is ridiculous and we will have no problem establishing the facts by way of testimony from his fellow Rackspack team and for that matter half of Maidenhead! Brad is the most hated man in pool and for him to even consider relinquishing his top spot is clearly absurd. Whilst writing, we take the opportunity to point out that Brad seems to be under the misapprehension that turning up and showing his boat race (face) is in some way considered to be a Showboat!
Yours faithfully Dingbat, Warts & Shingles LPA & PMTS
Solicitors in Dennis Law
--------------------------------------
Thank you for getting in touch. We're very happy to say that as per your request Mr Robinson has been reinstated at the most hated man in pool.
Match Report
We'll start this week with our favourite quote from the Lord's book:
Pool 16:11 - And the Lord said "Let Rackspack be the greatest pool team ever. Let them kick arse in the Maidenhead Summer league and let anyone who stands before them be swept aside by a wave of flair". And lo, it came to pass that on the twenty first day of the ninth month in the year of two thousand and nine, Rackspack tidied up their final match of the group stages in the Maidenhead league.
The title was over some weeks ago but there was a small matter of our 100% record and the Showboat roll-over to be settled and we knew there'd be no favours done and no quarter given when we entertained The Pond House on Monday night.
The Return of the Prodigal Son
The first miracle of the evening was when I got a phone call from Craig Wilson.
"Wallsy!"
"Craigy!"
"Where are we playing tonight ?"
Craig making an appearance? What's this "we" crap? Having not been seen all season, and having promised and failed to turn up to previous matches, the 'Muttley' of Thames Valley Pool had appeared not only on the previous Thursday night in the Slough league but now for the Monday nights in Maidenhead. The smell of a trophy and the lure of the Showboat roll-over meant that Muttley (" gimme gimme medal snicker snicker snicker...") had volunteered himself for service for the final game. However with Hokey Cokey, JY, The Bear, Wonder, Magic and Coach Slugger already having declared themselves available, Craigy would have to keep his powder dry while we all had a shot at the boat.
Muttley: "Gimme gimme medal"
Another week and another Coach Southam random draw saw the Wonder stuck in lowly sixth spot. HC was up first and with time rapidly running out in his quest for a million and one dishes he had promised us, he took on Mark Webb. The red down the rail didn't drop, but a few visits later we had won the frame and John had won strangest colour selection of the season for going for reds when Yellows seemed the choice all day. The Bear looked out of sorts in the next but still pulled it together to take out the last 3 and the black to beat Ray Enderby and it was 2-0.
Pondhouse captain-for-the-night Tracy Harmon cares not for reputations. In our last encounter she left Tizzy with 7 on the table. This time she had drawn Magic Cameron. Tracy broke, potted one and then pulled out the shot of the season. Knowing full well the rules of the Showboat, she completely wrecked any chance Magic had by playing a shot which involved rolling the white right up the backside of a red, leaving Neil on nothing - not even a chance to fluke one in. It was a great shot warmly applauded by the rest of us, and the unclaimed Showboat was now pushing towards the £20 mark. A few visits later and Tracy had two yellows left to Neil's seven reds. The reds were scattered all over the middle of the table and Tracey's red was in the middle of them. All Neil had to do was flick of one of his balls and leave the white at the top of the table and she would have been snookered. Neil saw the same shot, but played in such a way to not only fail to leave her snookered, but to somehow clear a pathway through his reds for the yellow to pot in the bottom corner! Moses himself couldn't have parted those balls better. A couple of pots later and Tracy had left another "Packer" with seven. 2-1
Moses - “With a wave of the cue, the reds parted…..”
JY took out Mikey Diaz, Coach Slugger made it 4-1 and the Wonder beat James Graham to give Rackspack a healthy 5-1 lead at half-time. Beating Mikey must have taken its toll on JY, as shortly afterwards he disappeared to tend to the Thai bride he keeps at home in his basement. Craig "Muttley" Wilson stepped up to the plate for the back half and the boat was still afloat.
Return of the Whack
Having missed most of the season it was only fair that Muttley had to pay a little bit extra to join in on the showboat tomfoolery. The £3 we agreed upon was duly deposited in Justina, and it was over to Coach "Blatter" Southam for another wholly fair and above board draw...Amazingly the Wonder came in sixth and in a 'surely not' move Muttley drew trap one and was first up!
The stage was set - no one had seen him all season, our calls had gone answered and our voice-mails and texts unreturned, and yet just 8 balls separated Muttley from the eternal glory of the showboat, a prize of £22 and a popularity rating about as high as that of Emmanuel Adebayor at the Arsenal Christmas party. We held our breath as the cue was drawn back...a mighty thump followed...the break was solid but the white ball flew down the middle pocket hole quicker than John Shiel into the private cabins at the HP. Three quid for a break, that's the Showboat folks! Craigy recovered to beat Jemma Clifford but the showboat was now just a distant memory.
"When you pay £3 and go in off on the break – you’ve failed”
Hokey Cokey had one final chance to write his name into Rackspack folklore. The chance was there for all to see and he had a yellow two foot from the middle pocket to open up the frame. Unfortunately his cue brain was writing a cheque that his cue arm couldn't cash, and the yellow was left a foot short, giving away two shots for not hitting a cushion. Mark Webb couldn't, however, take advantage though and HC got his second win of the night.
“technical malfunctions beset the NASA nerds computer while waiting for news of John's first clearance”
The Miracle of the Long Yellow
Only two men had managed the giant feat of claiming a Showboat crown, the Bear (twice) and Coach. When Coach stepped in and broke against James Graham it didn't look on. There were 4 easy balls but another couple that were in a mess around the corner. He managed to work a position that let him pot yellows 5 and 6 but they left him trying to get on his last ball with a delicate little stun-run through off another ball. He tried, he failed.
"Total snooker".
Har-de-har, Coach was tucked up on the last yellow which was around the black spot. The white almost level but a couple of inches nearer the bottom cushion and a juicy red smack in between them. As we giggled amongst ourselves and looked to the scorecard to see who was up next, the miracle happened. Taking his time to size up the angles, he proceeded to smash the white off the bottom cushion with right hand side, and it cracked the yellow as clean as you like into the top right hand corner - almost the length of the table. As if that wasn't enough the white stopped perfectly for a cut on the black. A centimetre more and he was snookered - as it was the thin cut to the corner was on and a few seconds later - HONNNNNNNNNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ker-ching! £24 banked, and Coach Southam's Showboat winnings were over £50 this season.
Brad, Keith & Neil play for what was left of the showboat.
After The Lord Mayors Show
With Justina our Showboat piggy bank now emptied, the final frames were very much an anti-climax. Brad took out a nice finish to prevent Tracy from claiming another scalp, Neil avoided the double doughnut by beating Ray Enderby and the Wonder took the last against Mikey Diaz. 11-1, and a stunning result for the pack that equalled our best of the season.
So the group stages are finally over. It was ironic that Coach Southam took the last Showboat before the serious pool begins, being as he will be away with work for the quarter finals. However the rest of the pack are in fine form as our 11-1 victory showed. The quarters are next Monday, and the draw looks like this:
RACKS PACK v WAMDSAD A
GOLDEN X A v COOKHAM SOCIAL
BELL BAPL v FORESTERS
HEINZ 57 v WWSSC B
SEMI FINAL DRAW
WINNER OF GAME 4 v WINNER OF GAME 1
WINNER OF GAME 3 v WINNER OF GAME 2
So if we overcome WAMDSAD we'll be away to the might of the "Heinz 57". Heinz may have 57 varieties, but here at Rackspack towers we only have one - a catering size can of whoop-ass, and (all things going to form) we'll be dishing up all over the Heinz 57 boys in two weeks at their place.
Happy cueing.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Fred Lofts
It's a debate we've all had - who's he best pool player you've seen? Have that debate with anyone who has played pool in the Thames Valley area in the last 20 years and sooner or later (mostly sooner) you get to Peter Lofts. We're sorry to report that last week Peter's father Fred (‘Pops’) passed away.
Fred seemed to attend every match that Peter played in on a Thursday night, despite the fact that none of us at Rackspack can actually remember seeing him play a frame! He seemed to take a great deal of enjoyment and pride in turning up, socialising and watching his son Peter play. He became part of the fixtures and fittings; when Peter was playing, Fred was shadowing his every shot. He was a very likeable character and all of us at Rackspack extend our sympathies and condolences to Peter and his family.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Match Report - Home versus The Bear
Greeting fellow cueists.
This weeks match was a derby, pitting two former racks teams against each other at their new home, The Bear. The first match was a closely fought affair, ending in a gratifying 7-5 victory for the pack. We knew Michael "The Wizard" Tizzard was a no-show for this game ("I'm broke"), but with the prodigious but unpredictable talents of Wonder Walls taking his place on the rackspack roster I felt confident that we could open our legs and show our class. Another no-show was "Grinder" Greenwood who was last seen single handedly running the Greenwood sandwich empire after his father's recent operation.
Their was a buzz of anticipation about the pre-match practice. Brad was dishing up John almost at will, and Keith was dishing up almost everyone else. After two showboat dishes in the last match at NMCC, surely the Showboat would go again this week! With two pounds in Justina (the showboat piggy bank) and six tight-wads waiting to find out who was first to have a crack at the money Coach Southam made the eagerly totally random draw, and Neil was up first, followed by JY, Brad, Hokey Cokey Shiel, Coach himself and finally Wonder Walls. No one was pleased to see the boy Walls at the arse-end of the first half draw, no one except Mr Walls that is. Having been banging in the clearences in practice he showed what a truly classy man he is by promising to donate his showboat winnings to the Dean Godwin charitable foundation for little guys.
Sad to say but after the buzz of the random draw the match itself was very much a case of after the lord mayor's show as Baron Staples, Steve Newell, Tony Baxter, Giles Denney, Mike Bisset and Jon Williamson all succumbed to the awesome power of the pack. 6-0 at the end of the first half and all that remained was John Shiel to seal the victory in the seventh frame of the evening against Steve Newell and the pack were once again on the march.
The match was done and dusted by 10PM and ended in a 9-3 victory for the pack, with Wonder, Brad and Coach Southam all losing in the second half.
More importantly than the score, y'all want to know who claimed the showboat! No-one! The only attempt of note was by Coach Slugger Southam who managed to get on the last two balls, and then miss his next pot by so much that what started as a attempted cut in the top corner ended as a double off two balls into the middle pocket. What followed was the worst shot of the evening as Coach attempted a cut-double on his last red that he hit so fine that the ref had to borrow the hot-spot cricket camera off Sky Sports to make sure a contact had been made.
There was one clearance of note in the match. Giles Denney, who in the first half against John Hokey-Cokey Shiel looked like he couldn't clear a dinner table, produced what can only be described as the best clearance this reporter has ever seen. Full of subtle flicks and deflections, it was the kind of clearance that would have you wishing it was against someone else. The recipient of this lesson in pool was Brad, who left the table mumbling something about Giles being a "'orrible man" and "how can I be the most hated man in pool after that!". Being as gracious as ever, and reflecting on the fact that Brad had only put 95p into the pot instead of the requisite £1, Coach Southam made Giles an honourary member of Club Showboat and donated £1 to Giles!
So the Showboat is a roll-over (£13) and we go into the last week of the league format of the summer season wondering what to do with the showboat if no-one wins it next week. Bradley suggested putting the money behind the bar, but seeing as he arrives at our Monday night home fixtures on Sunday evening that was a no-go. Keith suggested a convoluted one frame knock-out competition, and Coach Southam suggested he would "look after" the money until next season. None of these ideas was really ideal, so we throwing the question open to you, the Rackspack readers, to come up with some ideas what we can do with the money. Email your answers to rackspack@hotmail.co.uk.
Into The Mailbox
In preparation for your answers, we've been into the mailbox this week to clear out all the spam. In amongst the willy cream, porn mail and offers from Nigerian Emperors to help them with some unreleased funds there were some useful ones.
---------------------------------------
Hey Rackspack
Are you the pool version of the England football team ?
Is this going to be yet another season where you go on and on and on about how great you are and how you’re going to win this thing, but then once you’ve qualified and it gets to the serious knockout stages you collapse in a pile of hype? If so can you just get on with it and save us all the time and trouble.
Cheers,
Hugh Mather-Farquar
---------------------------------------
K&K – What can we say Hugh? This time, more than any other time, this time, we'll get it right. It’s coming home. There’s only one way to beat them, get round the back, etc, etc
-------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack, yeah
My mate yeah, er, let’s call him…Andy...well, he keeps gettin stuffed by Maurice Sheehan. It’s appening neerly every week yeah. Wot can I do to stop it as its getting embarrasing 4 him wot?
I is er, I mean he is a really grate player normally and you know dat you bitches.
Mandy Brant err Grant
-------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack
I’ve been reading with some interest the problems you are having being forced to endure the frames of John "Hokey Cokey" Shiels frames this season and I have a suggestion. Whilst performing certain "activities" in the bedroom, the wife and I insist on having a 'safe word' that one of us can call out when things start getting too painful. Once the safe word is yelled, all actions have to stop until we have agreed that it is ok to continue again. Might I suggest you use the approach when watching HC ??
yours
Keiron D. Community
-------------------------------------------
K&K - An inspired email. Certainly we here at Rackspack towers are starting to feel sorry for our “Nobby Styles” as we have to sit through frame after frame waiting for John to demo his famous clearances. From now on if it starts getting really painful we will start shouting "EPSOM SALTS!" and demand a clearance attempt!
-------------------------------------------
Bonjour mes ami
I wonder if you can help me with a small problem. Next month will see the last matches of the World cup qualifying groups. I am worried that some of my friends and their countries wont make it and will have to go into the play-offs. Portugal, Germany, Russia, even my beloved France might have to play off. Now I don’t want them to draw each other and have difficult games to get through - I want them to draw the smaller teams so that they can win easy and generate more money for me. The only way to do this is to somehow rig the draw but we have done this before and we are running out of ideas on how to get away with it. After reading what Coach Southam did with the showboat selection the other week, would he mind helping me out? I will contact you soon.
Bon Chance
Michel Platini
Head of UEFA
PS there will be a brown envelope on your desk in the morning.
-------------------------------------------
K&K - Michel, no one knows how he did it and the Coach certainly isn’t letting on, but these days even Derren Brown is taking lessons from the master of sleight of hand.
---------------------------------------
Dears Rackspack or whatever it is you call yourselves.
Stop giving us a bad name or we will sue you !!
Dwayne Pipe
Chief Legal officer, Kripsy Kreme
U.S.A.
----------------------------------------------
K&K - We'll stop using your Krispy Kreme name as soon as John Hokey-Cokey Shiel starts winning games and you stop invading oil-rich countries under the pretence of international security!
---------------------------------------
Dears Rackspack,
I demand a clarification on what exactly you mean by a showboat clearance. In the last home game report you reported that I went for an impossible clearance when all I did was break and come up dry!
Yours, the most hated man in pool after Giles Denney,
Brad
----------------------------------------------
K&K - thanks for getting in touch Brad. The dubious clearance attempts committee has been in sitting this week and have adjudged that a Johnny dry-break is technically impossible to clear up from, therefore qualifies as an impossible clearance!
Remember, you can get in touch at rackspack@hotmail.co.uk! Next weeks home game is the last league game so do let us know what we can do with the showboat money!
Happy cueing!
This weeks match was a derby, pitting two former racks teams against each other at their new home, The Bear. The first match was a closely fought affair, ending in a gratifying 7-5 victory for the pack. We knew Michael "The Wizard" Tizzard was a no-show for this game ("I'm broke"), but with the prodigious but unpredictable talents of Wonder Walls taking his place on the rackspack roster I felt confident that we could open our legs and show our class. Another no-show was "Grinder" Greenwood who was last seen single handedly running the Greenwood sandwich empire after his father's recent operation.
Their was a buzz of anticipation about the pre-match practice. Brad was dishing up John almost at will, and Keith was dishing up almost everyone else. After two showboat dishes in the last match at NMCC, surely the Showboat would go again this week! With two pounds in Justina (the showboat piggy bank) and six tight-wads waiting to find out who was first to have a crack at the money Coach Southam made the eagerly totally random draw, and Neil was up first, followed by JY, Brad, Hokey Cokey Shiel, Coach himself and finally Wonder Walls. No one was pleased to see the boy Walls at the arse-end of the first half draw, no one except Mr Walls that is. Having been banging in the clearences in practice he showed what a truly classy man he is by promising to donate his showboat winnings to the Dean Godwin charitable foundation for little guys.
Sad to say but after the buzz of the random draw the match itself was very much a case of after the lord mayor's show as Baron Staples, Steve Newell, Tony Baxter, Giles Denney, Mike Bisset and Jon Williamson all succumbed to the awesome power of the pack. 6-0 at the end of the first half and all that remained was John Shiel to seal the victory in the seventh frame of the evening against Steve Newell and the pack were once again on the march.
The match was done and dusted by 10PM and ended in a 9-3 victory for the pack, with Wonder, Brad and Coach Southam all losing in the second half.
More importantly than the score, y'all want to know who claimed the showboat! No-one! The only attempt of note was by Coach Slugger Southam who managed to get on the last two balls, and then miss his next pot by so much that what started as a attempted cut in the top corner ended as a double off two balls into the middle pocket. What followed was the worst shot of the evening as Coach attempted a cut-double on his last red that he hit so fine that the ref had to borrow the hot-spot cricket camera off Sky Sports to make sure a contact had been made.
There was one clearance of note in the match. Giles Denney, who in the first half against John Hokey-Cokey Shiel looked like he couldn't clear a dinner table, produced what can only be described as the best clearance this reporter has ever seen. Full of subtle flicks and deflections, it was the kind of clearance that would have you wishing it was against someone else. The recipient of this lesson in pool was Brad, who left the table mumbling something about Giles being a "'orrible man" and "how can I be the most hated man in pool after that!". Being as gracious as ever, and reflecting on the fact that Brad had only put 95p into the pot instead of the requisite £1, Coach Southam made Giles an honourary member of Club Showboat and donated £1 to Giles!
So the Showboat is a roll-over (£13) and we go into the last week of the league format of the summer season wondering what to do with the showboat if no-one wins it next week. Bradley suggested putting the money behind the bar, but seeing as he arrives at our Monday night home fixtures on Sunday evening that was a no-go. Keith suggested a convoluted one frame knock-out competition, and Coach Southam suggested he would "look after" the money until next season. None of these ideas was really ideal, so we throwing the question open to you, the Rackspack readers, to come up with some ideas what we can do with the money. Email your answers to rackspack@hotmail.co.uk.
Into The Mailbox
In preparation for your answers, we've been into the mailbox this week to clear out all the spam. In amongst the willy cream, porn mail and offers from Nigerian Emperors to help them with some unreleased funds there were some useful ones.
---------------------------------------
Hey Rackspack
Are you the pool version of the England football team ?
Is this going to be yet another season where you go on and on and on about how great you are and how you’re going to win this thing, but then once you’ve qualified and it gets to the serious knockout stages you collapse in a pile of hype? If so can you just get on with it and save us all the time and trouble.
Cheers,
Hugh Mather-Farquar
---------------------------------------
K&K – What can we say Hugh? This time, more than any other time, this time, we'll get it right. It’s coming home. There’s only one way to beat them, get round the back, etc, etc
-------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack, yeah
My mate yeah, er, let’s call him…Andy...well, he keeps gettin stuffed by Maurice Sheehan. It’s appening neerly every week yeah. Wot can I do to stop it as its getting embarrasing 4 him wot?
I is er, I mean he is a really grate player normally and you know dat you bitches.
Mandy Brant err Grant
-------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack
I’ve been reading with some interest the problems you are having being forced to endure the frames of John "Hokey Cokey" Shiels frames this season and I have a suggestion. Whilst performing certain "activities" in the bedroom, the wife and I insist on having a 'safe word' that one of us can call out when things start getting too painful. Once the safe word is yelled, all actions have to stop until we have agreed that it is ok to continue again. Might I suggest you use the approach when watching HC ??
yours
Keiron D. Community
-------------------------------------------
K&K - An inspired email. Certainly we here at Rackspack towers are starting to feel sorry for our “Nobby Styles” as we have to sit through frame after frame waiting for John to demo his famous clearances. From now on if it starts getting really painful we will start shouting "EPSOM SALTS!" and demand a clearance attempt!
-------------------------------------------
Bonjour mes ami
I wonder if you can help me with a small problem. Next month will see the last matches of the World cup qualifying groups. I am worried that some of my friends and their countries wont make it and will have to go into the play-offs. Portugal, Germany, Russia, even my beloved France might have to play off. Now I don’t want them to draw each other and have difficult games to get through - I want them to draw the smaller teams so that they can win easy and generate more money for me. The only way to do this is to somehow rig the draw but we have done this before and we are running out of ideas on how to get away with it. After reading what Coach Southam did with the showboat selection the other week, would he mind helping me out? I will contact you soon.
Bon Chance
Michel Platini
Head of UEFA
PS there will be a brown envelope on your desk in the morning.
-------------------------------------------
K&K - Michel, no one knows how he did it and the Coach certainly isn’t letting on, but these days even Derren Brown is taking lessons from the master of sleight of hand.
---------------------------------------
Dears Rackspack or whatever it is you call yourselves.
Stop giving us a bad name or we will sue you !!
Dwayne Pipe
Chief Legal officer, Kripsy Kreme
U.S.A.
----------------------------------------------
K&K - We'll stop using your Krispy Kreme name as soon as John Hokey-Cokey Shiel starts winning games and you stop invading oil-rich countries under the pretence of international security!
---------------------------------------
Dears Rackspack,
I demand a clarification on what exactly you mean by a showboat clearance. In the last home game report you reported that I went for an impossible clearance when all I did was break and come up dry!
Yours, the most hated man in pool after Giles Denney,
Brad
----------------------------------------------
K&K - thanks for getting in touch Brad. The dubious clearance attempts committee has been in sitting this week and have adjudged that a Johnny dry-break is technically impossible to clear up from, therefore qualifies as an impossible clearance!
Remember, you can get in touch at rackspack@hotmail.co.uk! Next weeks home game is the last league game so do let us know what we can do with the showboat money!
Happy cueing!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Match Report - Away Versus NMCC
The air around North Maidenhead Cricket club was crackling with anticipation Monday night. It was match day seven, and good beer, great food and, perhaps more importantly, the best table in the league awaited us - clean, no rolls, no bumps and nicely groomed. Into that arena walked the best team in the league - not very clean, a few too many bumps and rolls, and in dire need of a good wash and brush up. Tonight the Showboat Jackpot was a sitting duck so it was eyes down for a quack quack honk honk.
I was running late. Stuck at work doing pointless rubbish and the clock was ticking. 7.45pm and I’m fobbing off customers and telling them not to worry about a thing until tomorrow. I had bigger fish to fry, ducks to quack and showboats to honk. I managed to get out just in time and race to the NMCC. We had the bare six again. Tizzy couldn’t make it and the door was left open for a triumphant return from Neil "Magic" Cameron from his Scottish hiatus.
At £16 the showboat was a roll-over, and with our position in the quarter finals guaranteed Coach Southam’s advanced tactical nous and strategic decision-making could be put aside for a week as six of Rackspack’s finest clamoured to find out who would have first crack at it.
Fresh from releasing the averages tables that saw him top yet again despite having won less games than two other members of the team, Coach had spent the week devising a fair and unbiased system for deciding the team order for the first half, and revealed all just before the match:
Coach Southam: “Right, I have six names on this piece of paper, somebody shout out a number between one and six, and the person in that position on my piece of paper plays first.”
JY: “Five”
Coach Southam: “That’s me”.
It was straight our of the Robert Uzzell school of draws, but Coach Southam rules with an iron hand inside that silk glove, and the murmurs of dissent barely strayed beyond the personally offensive:
Brad Robinson: “You ‘orrible man”
Jim "Pretty Boy" Floyd was up first for NMCC, and with Coach Southam fearing the likes of Wonder Walls and Bradley Bear would likely get a clearance in later in the first half, not to mention John “Watch how many clearances I do this season” Shiel, he set off for a fast start. However with the break Jimmy quickly got the upper hand, and once the chance of the showboat had gone his heart clearly wasn’t in it. The frame quickly descended into a missing contest that Kevin won. 0-1 to NMCC.
The great great grandfather of Thames Valley Pool, Maurice "Tingley" Dingley was up next against John “Hokey Cokey” Shiel. After actually winning a game last week the Krispy Kreme sponsorship deal was in the balance, and it would take some top class screwing up to clinch a double doughnut this week. But Thames Valley Pool history is littered with sorry souls who underestimated the sheer lack of ability that Hokey Cokey brings to the table. It looked over when Maurice was on his last ball but a miss let John back in. He floundered and managed to snooker himself on the last ball. Confidently he eyed up coming off the cushion and not only hitting the red, but doubled it into the corner. He even pointed it out to us what he was aiming for "just in case it goes in and you think it was lucky"....
INTERLUDE - you know when you were a youngster at school and there was a kid in the maths class who was a bit slow. Little Jimmy was his name. He wouldn’t answer any questions at all, but every now and then the teacher would ask something like” what’s five times five” and their arm would shoot up in the air. They would be straining every sinew of their body to attract the teachers attention…
"ME MISS, ASK ME MISS, ASK MEEEE!"
and she would say "yes, what’s the answer". This was their moment to impress, everyone in the class is staring at them, waiting, hoping, praying to see the kid get it right just once.
"Miss, is it thirty-seven?"
.......that’s what its like these days watching Johns frames.
Eyeing up the speculative double, he spammed the white off the cushion, it collided with the red which then potted Maurice’s yellow into the corner. It’s two shots Maurice and shortly afterwards, 2-0 to NMCC.
Once again 2-0 down and once again the Wonder comes to the table with the scent of Showboat in his nostrils. This boy is like a bitch on heat, yet for the fourth time this season he cleared up to the black and despite four pointless attempts at moving it he couldn’t get it out and had no shot for the money. Showing exactly why the Showboat is not helping our frames tally, he took a run up from the car park, gave it the full "Larry Launch" and smashed his opponents yellow in via the black. Luckily Craig Brand couldn’t take advantage with the two shots and the Wonder pulled one back. 1-2
Frame four, and up stepped the Bear. I remember the days when at 2-1 down we were all glad to see Brad take to the table. With the Showboat challenge in full effect it’s now akin to waiting at the dentists for root canal work. We took our seats fearing the worst, and when he sunk a fantastic yellow for openers it was all on. Pot after pot, it looked there for the taking. A superb pot on the next yellow went unrewarded as he snookered himself on the last two yellows and despite a great escape the yellow rattled and much to our relief the opportunity was gone. Cliff Hulse had a glimmer of a chance to put NMCC 3-1 up…but didn’t take it. 2-2
David Dawson faced JY in the next and JY played and looked a million dollars. However they turned out to be Zimbabwean dollars and before we knew it we were 3-2 down.
Up to plate stepped Scotland’s finest, ‘Magic’ Cameron. The break was thunderous, that’s for certain. The colour selection was, well, less certain and probably dubious. However there was no mistaking the total budge of the first shot as the yellow he tried to pot started out 10 inches from the pocket but missed by it by 12. The three weeks on the sauce had done him no good at all, but he recovered to beat Ray Dawson and levelled up the match. 3-3.
Half time and the Showboat was over the £20 mark. The confidence with which we had stated how the showboat was definitely going this week looked misplaced. We had missed a few chances but Justina the Showboat Piggy bank was still had our money in her and the jackpot was growing.
There was a redraw the positions for the back half. Using all the experience he gained working for Alan Stanford and Harry Redknapp, Coach Southam set up the second half draw, and JY got first crack. Coach got second.
JY saved himself from the dreaded double with a win over Pretty Boy Floyd and then Coach was up. The break was perfect, every ball hanging over the pockets – it was on! Our only hope was some sort of blunder or horrendous kick might put him off. It came down to the last two reds, could he drop one in and not snooker himself on the last? There was a foot of space to land the white in…the pot went in, but what was the postion like? Perfect. A straight black to the middle soon followed and the cry went up…
HONNNNNNNNKK !!!!!!!!
Showboat number 2 banked at £25. Kerching!
During the celebrations, Krispy Kreme rang and asked us when could we give them full copyrights to their new doughy sensation – The Hokey Cokey doughnut. We told them about five minutes. Cliff Hulse put the cherry glaze on top as HC recorded yet another one for the season and brought his run to 5 losses in 6.
Nasa scientists await the news of the first clearance of John's career.
The Rackspack image library has run out of double doughnut and double bagel pics so here, courtesy of Krispy Kreme, is a summary picture of John’s progress this season:
What followed was one of the most shocking events this season. The Bear walked up, broke and was staring another dish of the day in the face. But with the Showboat had been won, the princely sum total of £2 was up for grabs and £1 of that was his! And then it happened, quietly at first...
“Come on the Bradley”
That’s right cueists - suddenly we were right behind him!!
“GO ON THE BRADLEY BEAR!”
Cheers greeted every pot, warm applause every precise positional shot. He grimaced and scowled around the table, nonchalantly knocking in all seven balls and the black. Hoorahs broke out at the Rackspack table as we all shook his hand to celebrate the £2 he had copped. For nicking the shopboat pot our hatred of Coach turned to love – none us would have been able to stomach the Bear winning another £27 to add to his spoils from 3 weeks ago.
In all the confusion it was easy to forget that the match was still in the balance at 6-4 and when Magic lost to Dave Dawson it was all on the Wonder to clinch us the win. A perfect break and another clearance was there for all to see. There were no problem balls, position was easy, the first pot flew in…
“Foul – you didn’t nominate”
Doh!
If Brad is the most hated man in pool then Wonder Walls is the luckiest, as frankly no one is having a luckier run in the Rackspack team at the moment than the Wonder. Every week some poor schmuck throws away a glorious opportunity of listening to Keith whine about how the table is off, the tip is to spongy, etc as they chuck away winning chances. Sure enough this week was no different, as Ray Dawson somehow failed to clear with two shots and we nicked the match 7-5.
So another week gone. The second showboat to Kev, a third one to Brad and only two matches before the knockout stages.
Honk Honk!
Match Report - NMCC v Rackspack
or “Looks like we're gonna need a bigger boat!"
or “Looks like we're gonna need a bigger boat!"
I was running late. Stuck at work doing pointless rubbish and the clock was ticking. 7.45pm and I’m fobbing off customers and telling them not to worry about a thing until tomorrow. I had bigger fish to fry, ducks to quack and showboats to honk. I managed to get out just in time and race to the NMCC. We had the bare six again. Tizzy couldn’t make it and the door was left open for a triumphant return from Neil "Magic" Cameron from his Scottish hiatus.
At £16 the showboat was a roll-over, and with our position in the quarter finals guaranteed Coach Southam’s advanced tactical nous and strategic decision-making could be put aside for a week as six of Rackspack’s finest clamoured to find out who would have first crack at it.
Fresh from releasing the averages tables that saw him top yet again despite having won less games than two other members of the team, Coach had spent the week devising a fair and unbiased system for deciding the team order for the first half, and revealed all just before the match:
Coach Southam: “Right, I have six names on this piece of paper, somebody shout out a number between one and six, and the person in that position on my piece of paper plays first.”
JY: “Five”
Coach Southam: “That’s me”.
It was straight our of the Robert Uzzell school of draws, but Coach Southam rules with an iron hand inside that silk glove, and the murmurs of dissent barely strayed beyond the personally offensive:
Brad Robinson: “You ‘orrible man”
Jim "Pretty Boy" Floyd was up first for NMCC, and with Coach Southam fearing the likes of Wonder Walls and Bradley Bear would likely get a clearance in later in the first half, not to mention John “Watch how many clearances I do this season” Shiel, he set off for a fast start. However with the break Jimmy quickly got the upper hand, and once the chance of the showboat had gone his heart clearly wasn’t in it. The frame quickly descended into a missing contest that Kevin won. 0-1 to NMCC.
The great great grandfather of Thames Valley Pool, Maurice "Tingley" Dingley was up next against John “Hokey Cokey” Shiel. After actually winning a game last week the Krispy Kreme sponsorship deal was in the balance, and it would take some top class screwing up to clinch a double doughnut this week. But Thames Valley Pool history is littered with sorry souls who underestimated the sheer lack of ability that Hokey Cokey brings to the table. It looked over when Maurice was on his last ball but a miss let John back in. He floundered and managed to snooker himself on the last ball. Confidently he eyed up coming off the cushion and not only hitting the red, but doubled it into the corner. He even pointed it out to us what he was aiming for "just in case it goes in and you think it was lucky"....
INTERLUDE - you know when you were a youngster at school and there was a kid in the maths class who was a bit slow. Little Jimmy was his name. He wouldn’t answer any questions at all, but every now and then the teacher would ask something like” what’s five times five” and their arm would shoot up in the air. They would be straining every sinew of their body to attract the teachers attention…
"ME MISS, ASK ME MISS, ASK MEEEE!"
and she would say "yes, what’s the answer". This was their moment to impress, everyone in the class is staring at them, waiting, hoping, praying to see the kid get it right just once.
"Miss, is it thirty-seven?"
.......that’s what its like these days watching Johns frames.
Eyeing up the speculative double, he spammed the white off the cushion, it collided with the red which then potted Maurice’s yellow into the corner. It’s two shots Maurice and shortly afterwards, 2-0 to NMCC.
Once again 2-0 down and once again the Wonder comes to the table with the scent of Showboat in his nostrils. This boy is like a bitch on heat, yet for the fourth time this season he cleared up to the black and despite four pointless attempts at moving it he couldn’t get it out and had no shot for the money. Showing exactly why the Showboat is not helping our frames tally, he took a run up from the car park, gave it the full "Larry Launch" and smashed his opponents yellow in via the black. Luckily Craig Brand couldn’t take advantage with the two shots and the Wonder pulled one back. 1-2
Frame four, and up stepped the Bear. I remember the days when at 2-1 down we were all glad to see Brad take to the table. With the Showboat challenge in full effect it’s now akin to waiting at the dentists for root canal work. We took our seats fearing the worst, and when he sunk a fantastic yellow for openers it was all on. Pot after pot, it looked there for the taking. A superb pot on the next yellow went unrewarded as he snookered himself on the last two yellows and despite a great escape the yellow rattled and much to our relief the opportunity was gone. Cliff Hulse had a glimmer of a chance to put NMCC 3-1 up…but didn’t take it. 2-2
David Dawson faced JY in the next and JY played and looked a million dollars. However they turned out to be Zimbabwean dollars and before we knew it we were 3-2 down.
Up to plate stepped Scotland’s finest, ‘Magic’ Cameron. The break was thunderous, that’s for certain. The colour selection was, well, less certain and probably dubious. However there was no mistaking the total budge of the first shot as the yellow he tried to pot started out 10 inches from the pocket but missed by it by 12. The three weeks on the sauce had done him no good at all, but he recovered to beat Ray Dawson and levelled up the match. 3-3.
Half time and the Showboat was over the £20 mark. The confidence with which we had stated how the showboat was definitely going this week looked misplaced. We had missed a few chances but Justina the Showboat Piggy bank was still had our money in her and the jackpot was growing.
There was a redraw the positions for the back half. Using all the experience he gained working for Alan Stanford and Harry Redknapp, Coach Southam set up the second half draw, and JY got first crack. Coach got second.
JY saved himself from the dreaded double with a win over Pretty Boy Floyd and then Coach was up. The break was perfect, every ball hanging over the pockets – it was on! Our only hope was some sort of blunder or horrendous kick might put him off. It came down to the last two reds, could he drop one in and not snooker himself on the last? There was a foot of space to land the white in…the pot went in, but what was the postion like? Perfect. A straight black to the middle soon followed and the cry went up…
HONNNNNNNNKK !!!!!!!!
Showboat number 2 banked at £25. Kerching!
During the celebrations, Krispy Kreme rang and asked us when could we give them full copyrights to their new doughy sensation – The Hokey Cokey doughnut. We told them about five minutes. Cliff Hulse put the cherry glaze on top as HC recorded yet another one for the season and brought his run to 5 losses in 6.
Nasa scientists await the news of the first clearance of John's career.
The Rackspack image library has run out of double doughnut and double bagel pics so here, courtesy of Krispy Kreme, is a summary picture of John’s progress this season:
What followed was one of the most shocking events this season. The Bear walked up, broke and was staring another dish of the day in the face. But with the Showboat had been won, the princely sum total of £2 was up for grabs and £1 of that was his! And then it happened, quietly at first...
“Come on the Bradley”
That’s right cueists - suddenly we were right behind him!!
“GO ON THE BRADLEY BEAR!”
Cheers greeted every pot, warm applause every precise positional shot. He grimaced and scowled around the table, nonchalantly knocking in all seven balls and the black. Hoorahs broke out at the Rackspack table as we all shook his hand to celebrate the £2 he had copped. For nicking the shopboat pot our hatred of Coach turned to love – none us would have been able to stomach the Bear winning another £27 to add to his spoils from 3 weeks ago.
In all the confusion it was easy to forget that the match was still in the balance at 6-4 and when Magic lost to Dave Dawson it was all on the Wonder to clinch us the win. A perfect break and another clearance was there for all to see. There were no problem balls, position was easy, the first pot flew in…
“Foul – you didn’t nominate”
Doh!
If Brad is the most hated man in pool then Wonder Walls is the luckiest, as frankly no one is having a luckier run in the Rackspack team at the moment than the Wonder. Every week some poor schmuck throws away a glorious opportunity of listening to Keith whine about how the table is off, the tip is to spongy, etc as they chuck away winning chances. Sure enough this week was no different, as Ray Dawson somehow failed to clear with two shots and we nicked the match 7-5.
So another week gone. The second showboat to Kev, a third one to Brad and only two matches before the knockout stages.
Honk Honk!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Match Report - Home versus WWSC
It’s the halfway stage of the league, and we’re in fine fettle. We’ve managed to get six players every week, won 36 of our 48 frames, and the Showboat was the hundreds and thousands on top of the Rackspack fairy cake. With other teams now taking an interest in the Showboat it’s only a matter of time before we get stuffed trying to go for impossible finishes only to be picked off by wily opponents. Such a possibility was within reach of White Waltham Social Club who arrived at the Bear on Monday eager to avenge the 10-2 defeat from the opening fixture.
HOME TO WWSC (or THE LURE OF THE LUCRE!!)
Having endured a 10 hour drive back from Scotland Neil was missing was this fixture, and thus we broke new ground for Rackspack by actually fielding the same 6 two weeks in a row. We have been running a Rafa Benitez-style rotation system for 3 years and this was the first time I could remember us putting out the same side for two straight matches. Of course this meant good news for us as ‘Tiz’ was turning out for another bash, but it also meant two guaranteed frames for Hokey Cokey who was coming off the back off last weeks double bagel. Brad (the MHMIP) had shown up with a lovely tan probably courtesy of last weeks Showboat money, although he reckoned it was from sitting in the car parked up outside some shopping centre. Frankly neither reason was too appealing.
With Coach Southam running late it was survival of the fittest as to who would grab the team sheet and give themselves first crack at the showboat. Wonder Walls was quickest, and just managed to scrabble his name down in number one spot before Coach turned up and took over team selection
So first up aiming to take down the Showboat Jackpot of a mere £5 (thanks to the MHMIP), was the Wonder. Massive in the Maidenhead league with 8 from 8 wins and devastating in the Slough league with 10 out of 10 and 3 clearances to boot, it was surely a matter of time before he notched another to his tally. Michael Rapley broke and left nothing on - to ironic cheers from the Rackspack and a few “go on the Wonder” sniggers thrown in for good measure. Undaunted by the heckling, he picked off two reds, then three, split another, then a fourth and suddenly once the three ball plant was executed to perfection the ‘impossible dream’ was on!
Left with a long red to the top corner, and the white only 2 inches away, he cued it beautifully to pot the red and screw back into his last remaining colour. It left a razor thin snick to the bottom right but the angle meant he could free the black as well. The pot was sublime, the black was knocked free and the white had come to a halt in the middle of the table - it was all about where the black landed. While he was standing back admiring his work (and no doubt practicing his Showboat “HONK”) the black had careered across the table and was rolling towards the middle pocket. All it had to do was slow down a bit and stop and it was a tap in for the money…but it kept rolling…and rolling…and rolling. Like a Tiger Woods putt it just went on and on before plopping deadweight into the pocket losing him the frame. Robbed of the clearance of the season, The Wonder saw the last remaining unbeaten record of the summer gone as well. 1-0 to WWSC.
The lure of the prize had proved too much for The Wonder and he paid the ultimate price.
Up next was Bradley Bear against Wayne Parr. The Wonder was still in shock and if Brad had dished up it might have pushed him over the edge. St John’s ambulance were on standby but a scrappy frame ensued and they weren’t needed. Wayne missed 3 shots at the black to win it before the Bear levelled it up at 1-1. A huge chance for WWSC had gone begging.
Hokey Cokey was out to redeem his reputation after last weeks Double Bagel. Graham Henwood however was not a man to worry about reputations and was soon in command. When HC missed a straight yellow it was a tap in for Graham to win the frame. But somehow he fluffed it from an inch away from the middle pocket - Hokey Cokey was back in! But he then blundered his last yellow again and he was out of it. Graham, who obviously was enjoying watching HCs antics, inexplicably missed another go at the black and Hokey Cokey was back in to shake it all about once more. However he rattled the yellow for a third time and put it on the cushion. The groans from both sides got louder as Graham had another effort that ended up on the side rail. We were starting to get dizzy from trying to figure out whether HC was in, out, shaking it about or just plain taking the piss. He had only drank 2 bottles of Bulmers but had somehow converted it into a performance of a man who’d had 12.
All that was left was for someone to finish it off in a way that was totally in keeping with how bad the frame had been – and John was the man for the occasion. Doubling the last yellow off the top cushion it travelled 3/4 quarters of the way down the table, hitting Grahams black and potting it down the rail to put us 2-1 down. The worst frame in the history of pool bar none.
Coach Southam came in, and could relax into his game knowing that there was no way he could play a worse frame than what we had just witnessed. He had the nights first good chance of the show boat, but had to carefully navigate around a congested bottom end of the table. When, after a difficult cut, the white sat against his opponents red it left him partially snookered. The showboat jackpot was safe, and for the fourth time this season Kevin had put in the steady shift that we needed to get us back into the match and it was 2-2.
Having got within a coat of paint of taking last weeks Showboat JY had another chance. Geoff Heath had broke, potted a couple, but left a pretty clear table if only John could find a starter. Ordinarily JY never has trouble getting a starter, it’s more the free salad cart that poses a problem, but he couldn’t get one here. The yellow rattled when the rest were all on and Geoff quickly made it 3-2 to WWSC.
Tiz is quickly gaining the moniker of Captain Drybreak. Three frames for Rackspack and for the third time he had the break but failed to pot anything. More annoying was that Andrew Gilmore missed on his first shot and Tiz took out the seven reds and the black. An 8 ball dish but luckily for the Wizard it was on his second visit and didn’t count. Brad looked happier than a dog with its head out of a car window.
3-3 and up stepped Brad against Michael Rapley. Rapley broke and we held our breath as the balls settled and the chance of the clearance was on, but it didn’t happen and Brad had to settle for the win and a 4-3 lead.
JY took the next for 5-3, saving himself from the dreaded double doughnut and the Wonder saved himself with a scrappy victory over Wayne. 6-3 up and having pulled clear it was time to relax.
Tiz took ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’ in some style. One red left, a yellow only an inch behind it, the normal thing to do would have been to clip the red and put the white on the cushion. Instead he fired the red off the edge of the yellow and it shot into the bottom right pocket while at the same time bringing the white round perfectly to land behind a straight black. A round of applause for the shot of the night.
Coach Southam went in and got yet another two wins and all eyes were now on the Hokey. After last weeks double loss and, after losing in the first half, the potential for another double doughnut this week it was clear to all that John had spent the week in negotiations with Krispy Kreme. To clinch the deal he needed to go 0 for 4 in two weeks. Never in the history Rackspack has anyone dialled up for the double bagel/double doughnut two week combo platter. There was also the small matter of £14 now in the Showboat as well so it was all to play for and let the barracking begin. Despite having taken more stick this summer season than a Blackpool donkey, John was never really in danger and rounded off a 9-3 win. The sponsorship deal will have to wait.
NASA scientists wait patiently for news of the huge number of clearances John is going to put in this season
Next week we’re playing away to NMCC and the best table in the area. There’s no way - no way - that the Showboat is going to last next weeks onslaught. With Neil back and possibly 7 players available we are forced to draw lots at the match to see what the running order will be as the money isn’t going to last the night!
Find out who clinches the money next week!
HOME TO WWSC (or THE LURE OF THE LUCRE!!)
Having endured a 10 hour drive back from Scotland Neil was missing was this fixture, and thus we broke new ground for Rackspack by actually fielding the same 6 two weeks in a row. We have been running a Rafa Benitez-style rotation system for 3 years and this was the first time I could remember us putting out the same side for two straight matches. Of course this meant good news for us as ‘Tiz’ was turning out for another bash, but it also meant two guaranteed frames for Hokey Cokey who was coming off the back off last weeks double bagel. Brad (the MHMIP) had shown up with a lovely tan probably courtesy of last weeks Showboat money, although he reckoned it was from sitting in the car parked up outside some shopping centre. Frankly neither reason was too appealing.
With Coach Southam running late it was survival of the fittest as to who would grab the team sheet and give themselves first crack at the showboat. Wonder Walls was quickest, and just managed to scrabble his name down in number one spot before Coach turned up and took over team selection
So first up aiming to take down the Showboat Jackpot of a mere £5 (thanks to the MHMIP), was the Wonder. Massive in the Maidenhead league with 8 from 8 wins and devastating in the Slough league with 10 out of 10 and 3 clearances to boot, it was surely a matter of time before he notched another to his tally. Michael Rapley broke and left nothing on - to ironic cheers from the Rackspack and a few “go on the Wonder” sniggers thrown in for good measure. Undaunted by the heckling, he picked off two reds, then three, split another, then a fourth and suddenly once the three ball plant was executed to perfection the ‘impossible dream’ was on!
Left with a long red to the top corner, and the white only 2 inches away, he cued it beautifully to pot the red and screw back into his last remaining colour. It left a razor thin snick to the bottom right but the angle meant he could free the black as well. The pot was sublime, the black was knocked free and the white had come to a halt in the middle of the table - it was all about where the black landed. While he was standing back admiring his work (and no doubt practicing his Showboat “HONK”) the black had careered across the table and was rolling towards the middle pocket. All it had to do was slow down a bit and stop and it was a tap in for the money…but it kept rolling…and rolling…and rolling. Like a Tiger Woods putt it just went on and on before plopping deadweight into the pocket losing him the frame. Robbed of the clearance of the season, The Wonder saw the last remaining unbeaten record of the summer gone as well. 1-0 to WWSC.
The lure of the prize had proved too much for The Wonder and he paid the ultimate price.
Up next was Bradley Bear against Wayne Parr. The Wonder was still in shock and if Brad had dished up it might have pushed him over the edge. St John’s ambulance were on standby but a scrappy frame ensued and they weren’t needed. Wayne missed 3 shots at the black to win it before the Bear levelled it up at 1-1. A huge chance for WWSC had gone begging.
Hokey Cokey was out to redeem his reputation after last weeks Double Bagel. Graham Henwood however was not a man to worry about reputations and was soon in command. When HC missed a straight yellow it was a tap in for Graham to win the frame. But somehow he fluffed it from an inch away from the middle pocket - Hokey Cokey was back in! But he then blundered his last yellow again and he was out of it. Graham, who obviously was enjoying watching HCs antics, inexplicably missed another go at the black and Hokey Cokey was back in to shake it all about once more. However he rattled the yellow for a third time and put it on the cushion. The groans from both sides got louder as Graham had another effort that ended up on the side rail. We were starting to get dizzy from trying to figure out whether HC was in, out, shaking it about or just plain taking the piss. He had only drank 2 bottles of Bulmers but had somehow converted it into a performance of a man who’d had 12.
All that was left was for someone to finish it off in a way that was totally in keeping with how bad the frame had been – and John was the man for the occasion. Doubling the last yellow off the top cushion it travelled 3/4 quarters of the way down the table, hitting Grahams black and potting it down the rail to put us 2-1 down. The worst frame in the history of pool bar none.
Coach Southam came in, and could relax into his game knowing that there was no way he could play a worse frame than what we had just witnessed. He had the nights first good chance of the show boat, but had to carefully navigate around a congested bottom end of the table. When, after a difficult cut, the white sat against his opponents red it left him partially snookered. The showboat jackpot was safe, and for the fourth time this season Kevin had put in the steady shift that we needed to get us back into the match and it was 2-2.
Having got within a coat of paint of taking last weeks Showboat JY had another chance. Geoff Heath had broke, potted a couple, but left a pretty clear table if only John could find a starter. Ordinarily JY never has trouble getting a starter, it’s more the free salad cart that poses a problem, but he couldn’t get one here. The yellow rattled when the rest were all on and Geoff quickly made it 3-2 to WWSC.
Tiz is quickly gaining the moniker of Captain Drybreak. Three frames for Rackspack and for the third time he had the break but failed to pot anything. More annoying was that Andrew Gilmore missed on his first shot and Tiz took out the seven reds and the black. An 8 ball dish but luckily for the Wizard it was on his second visit and didn’t count. Brad looked happier than a dog with its head out of a car window.
3-3 and up stepped Brad against Michael Rapley. Rapley broke and we held our breath as the balls settled and the chance of the clearance was on, but it didn’t happen and Brad had to settle for the win and a 4-3 lead.
JY took the next for 5-3, saving himself from the dreaded double doughnut and the Wonder saved himself with a scrappy victory over Wayne. 6-3 up and having pulled clear it was time to relax.
Tiz took ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’ in some style. One red left, a yellow only an inch behind it, the normal thing to do would have been to clip the red and put the white on the cushion. Instead he fired the red off the edge of the yellow and it shot into the bottom right pocket while at the same time bringing the white round perfectly to land behind a straight black. A round of applause for the shot of the night.
Coach Southam went in and got yet another two wins and all eyes were now on the Hokey. After last weeks double loss and, after losing in the first half, the potential for another double doughnut this week it was clear to all that John had spent the week in negotiations with Krispy Kreme. To clinch the deal he needed to go 0 for 4 in two weeks. Never in the history Rackspack has anyone dialled up for the double bagel/double doughnut two week combo platter. There was also the small matter of £14 now in the Showboat as well so it was all to play for and let the barracking begin. Despite having taken more stick this summer season than a Blackpool donkey, John was never really in danger and rounded off a 9-3 win. The sponsorship deal will have to wait.
Next week we’re playing away to NMCC and the best table in the area. There’s no way - no way - that the Showboat is going to last next weeks onslaught. With Neil back and possibly 7 players available we are forced to draw lots at the match to see what the running order will be as the money isn’t going to last the night!
Find out who clinches the money next week!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Geoff Collins
It was with some sadness that we learnt of the passing of Geoff Collins last week.Most of us in Rackspack have been playing pool in the local leagues for 20 years now. With that much time under our belts it is inevitable that we are going to come across the same people over and over again. Geoff was one of those guys that we would bump into 4 or 5 times a year either on a Thursday night or during a singles or doubles competition when he played with his son Tim. He had represented Berkshire at the England over 50s trials and could be seen regulary turning up to play for teams like the Willow Tree in Langley , The Fox and Pheasant in Iver and more recently the Windsor Ex Servicemens club. Whenever any of us bumped into him he always had time for a chat , a handshake and a drink. He was a really pleasant man and one of those people that you enjoyed seeing and catching up with. When we had a drink last week and were talking about him everyones reaction was the same..
"He was such a nice guy"
Our best wishes go out to Tim and the rest of the family.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Match Report - Away versus The Pondhouse
Special message from former coach Walls
The past two weeks had been probably the most hectic of my existence! I got married in Germany one weekend and then had a party at the Irish Club the following Saturday. I had set new personal 'lows' or perhaps 'highs' by passing out in the toilets for an hour during my own celebration. Sometime between the band finishing and 12.30am I was fast asleep in the warm, moist environment of the gents. I was finally woken up by some loud knocking on the door and bounced back to carry on celebrating till 3 in the morning. Despite the pace of the party and gruelling rituals of the previous fortnight catching up on me I was not going to miss the most important night of the year so far. Come hell or high water I would be at the Pond House with a possible £30 Rackspack Showboat Jackpot up for grabs!
ALL ABOARD FOR THE POND HOUSE!!!
The last game if the first half of the season and we were due to be away to the Pond House, but a late phone call from Vinny explained that their table had a problem and so the match was switched to our home venue of The Bear. A change in team selection was needed as Neil was in Scotland and, despite my return to the bosom of the Rackspack, we were still a player short. Stepping manfully into the breach came Michael "Tizzy" Tizzard. Coach Southam had caught him off guard at the wedding party and convinced him to sign up to help us out. The lure of the Showboat proved enough of a worm to dangle in front of him and soon enough the fish was in the pan. Pens were put to paper, and with no more metaphors on the horizon the line up looked like this : 'Hokey Cokey' Shiel, Tiz, The Bear (at the Bear), Wonder Walls, Coach Southam and JY.
Our reputation for flair and quality had obviously preceded us, and in reaction The Pond House had added county A player Rob Sparks to their line up for the summer - we knew it wasn’t going to be easy. In addition it had become clear in the last few weeks that while the Showboat is in operation there’s always a chance that we could get caught out and lose frames chasing the 'green'.
What we needed was a little flair of our own. We already had Wonder, Tizzy and Bradley bear in the ranks but to take on and defeat County A quality flair we needed something special. The kind of man who does clearance for fun. Step forward John Hokey-Cokey Shiel.
Rob was up first against Hokey Cokey and after a good break off shot and a couple of pots Rob missed a ball down the rail to give HC the first crack at the money. But it wasn’t to be and Rob took the frame to give the Pond House the lead. Tiz broke in the next but could only dish-up and Johnny Dry-break. He was then forced to watch Tracey Harman take out 7 terrific balls only to miss a long black to the corner. A few shots later and Tizzy missed a red in the corner from a distance of about three inches, and her first miss became academic as Tracy knocked the black in to give the Pond House a 2-0 lead.
Mark Webb looked full of the joys of spring as he realised he was playing The Bear and his mood wasn’t improved as he broke and left the first real chance of the night for the Showboat. Even though we were 2-0 down and in need of the frame none of us wanted to see Brad take the money and he could feel the eyes in the back of his head and he proceeded to clear up. There was only one difficult ball - but it was enough and he broke down under the pressure of the difficult pot, and the fact we were all muttering under our breath and calling him names. Luckily for us Mark couldn’t take advantage and Brad pulled it back to 2-1 on his next visit. The Wonder had a dry break in the next but leveled the match when Mike Diaz opted for an attempted plant instead of taking the long straight yellow on which would have surely won the frame, 2-2.
Coach Southam put in another solid win against Ray Enderby to turn the match around and then it was JYs turn. After a monstrous break the Showboat looked set to sail....
JY stalked the table Like a tiger stalking a gazelle, or perhaps a cat stalking a mouse. There wasn’t a bad ball in sight. With the first 5 balls despatched and perfect on number 6 it was surely all over. But the pressure of the money coupled with the lack of support from his own team mates made him come out on the wrong side of the final ball and he was faced with a choice. Does he roll it in and go round the back of the two yellows and get on the black, or does he screw across from his last ball, into the yellows and hopefully hold for the easier black. JY played it safe and stroked the last one in but just didn’t hit it hard enough to leave an easy black to the centre. Instead with the white just off the bottom cushion and the black on its spot it was either the tricky cut to the middle or off straight length of the table pot to the top corner. Decisions decisions…
An eon passed as JY weighed up the options and finally went for the cut to the centre. A smooth stroke sent the black on its way as we rose from our seats to applaud him and to the victor the spoils...but NO! REJECTED! The black clips the first knuckle of the middle, then the second knuckle and sits over the pocket. Incredible - Brad and I were right behind the pot and it seemed to look perfect all the way. A collective sigh of relief from our corner was only shattered by the choicest of blue language from the Geordie boy in the other. James Graham then went in off, giving JY two shots on the easy black and he put us 4-2 up to sarcastic cheers and clapping from us about what an 'important' frame that was...
Failure!
4-2 at the break, but the important stat was that the money was now over £30 and all to play for. We now entered the usual routine of trying to bribe coach to play as high up in the order as possible to get the first shot at the cash. Tiz got the first crack in the second half and won the toss against Mike but yet another dry break meant that he didn’t get a chance. However he avoided a double doughnut on his Rackspack debut to put us 5-2 in front and almost out of sight.
The Bear went next and once again had to play the luckless Mark Webb. As if he was going halves with him Mark broke and left them perfect - and if there’s one person you don’t want to do that to, it’s the Most Hated Man In Pool.
If I had ran a book on who was going to get the cash I would have the MHMIP at the top of the list as heavy favourite. Not only is he is our best player but he is the sort of spawny git who was bound to have it handed to him on a plate. Neil was missing his first game in about 3 years of playing for us so you just knew it was going to go tonight when he wasn’t there. When Brad had arrived earlier saying that he only turned up because the jackpot was on a rollover there was a sense of inevitability about the destination of the first Show Boat Jackpot of the season. Sure enough, an absolute dot to dot finish was laid on for him and our only hope was he crumble under pressure, swine flu or our desperate attempts to put him off that would stop him. They all failed and 60 seconds later he was staring down a straight black. With one wave of the cue and a victory cry of " HONNNNNNNNNNNKK " the Showboat was won and he moved into second position just behind 'cold callers' as the most irritating person in Britain.
"Good afternoon, Im calling from the Halifax - did you know that our Brad Robinson Showboat Winner Commemorative Plaque is free when you purchase our house insurance?"
With the depressing sound of JY’s pound coin rattling alone in our piggy bank we trudged on while Brad was busy sending a text message to Neil which simply said "HONK HONK!". Again Tracy Harman played a great frame but was denied a double double-u on the night when JY nicked it. Coach repeated his first half success over Ray Enderby with possibly the finish of the night and the Wonder got away with murder when James missed a black over the bag to remain undefeated so far this season.
9-2 up and time for Hokey Cokey to get some revenge on Rob Sparks for his first half loss. Rob broke and after missing his last ball HC went for the clearance and a palty £4 from the new pot. He hit flair shot of the night smashing a red down the length of the cushion and screwing all the way back up the table to get on his last ball. But he rattled it in the jaws and Rob chalked up his second win on the night - both against HC - and despite no food being available because of the late switch of venue HC had still found time to dial up and order the dreaded double bagel! From shot of the night to worst performance of the night - these are the razor thin margins the Rackspack are dealing with.
Hokey Cokey - began the night as JOHN SHIEL , then went to JOHN SHIEL L and finally to JOHN SHIEL L L
So , 9-3 and on we march to the second half of the season. We should have been run a lot closer from 2-0 down but got away with three frames after that which we never should have won to pull clear. One Showboat gone, £4 rolling to next week.
Next week we'll be dipping into the mailbox as Mr Bradley Robinson demands a rules clarification and Ben Kiely-Kiely, one of the famous Kiely brothers, demands we stop taking the p**s. One of these people will get what they want!
The past two weeks had been probably the most hectic of my existence! I got married in Germany one weekend and then had a party at the Irish Club the following Saturday. I had set new personal 'lows' or perhaps 'highs' by passing out in the toilets for an hour during my own celebration. Sometime between the band finishing and 12.30am I was fast asleep in the warm, moist environment of the gents. I was finally woken up by some loud knocking on the door and bounced back to carry on celebrating till 3 in the morning. Despite the pace of the party and gruelling rituals of the previous fortnight catching up on me I was not going to miss the most important night of the year so far. Come hell or high water I would be at the Pond House with a possible £30 Rackspack Showboat Jackpot up for grabs!
ALL ABOARD FOR THE POND HOUSE!!!
The last game if the first half of the season and we were due to be away to the Pond House, but a late phone call from Vinny explained that their table had a problem and so the match was switched to our home venue of The Bear. A change in team selection was needed as Neil was in Scotland and, despite my return to the bosom of the Rackspack, we were still a player short. Stepping manfully into the breach came Michael "Tizzy" Tizzard. Coach Southam had caught him off guard at the wedding party and convinced him to sign up to help us out. The lure of the Showboat proved enough of a worm to dangle in front of him and soon enough the fish was in the pan. Pens were put to paper, and with no more metaphors on the horizon the line up looked like this : 'Hokey Cokey' Shiel, Tiz, The Bear (at the Bear), Wonder Walls, Coach Southam and JY.
Our reputation for flair and quality had obviously preceded us, and in reaction The Pond House had added county A player Rob Sparks to their line up for the summer - we knew it wasn’t going to be easy. In addition it had become clear in the last few weeks that while the Showboat is in operation there’s always a chance that we could get caught out and lose frames chasing the 'green'.
What we needed was a little flair of our own. We already had Wonder, Tizzy and Bradley bear in the ranks but to take on and defeat County A quality flair we needed something special. The kind of man who does clearance for fun. Step forward John Hokey-Cokey Shiel.
Rob was up first against Hokey Cokey and after a good break off shot and a couple of pots Rob missed a ball down the rail to give HC the first crack at the money. But it wasn’t to be and Rob took the frame to give the Pond House the lead. Tiz broke in the next but could only dish-up and Johnny Dry-break. He was then forced to watch Tracey Harman take out 7 terrific balls only to miss a long black to the corner. A few shots later and Tizzy missed a red in the corner from a distance of about three inches, and her first miss became academic as Tracy knocked the black in to give the Pond House a 2-0 lead.
Mark Webb looked full of the joys of spring as he realised he was playing The Bear and his mood wasn’t improved as he broke and left the first real chance of the night for the Showboat. Even though we were 2-0 down and in need of the frame none of us wanted to see Brad take the money and he could feel the eyes in the back of his head and he proceeded to clear up. There was only one difficult ball - but it was enough and he broke down under the pressure of the difficult pot, and the fact we were all muttering under our breath and calling him names. Luckily for us Mark couldn’t take advantage and Brad pulled it back to 2-1 on his next visit. The Wonder had a dry break in the next but leveled the match when Mike Diaz opted for an attempted plant instead of taking the long straight yellow on which would have surely won the frame, 2-2.
Coach Southam put in another solid win against Ray Enderby to turn the match around and then it was JYs turn. After a monstrous break the Showboat looked set to sail....
JY stalked the table Like a tiger stalking a gazelle, or perhaps a cat stalking a mouse. There wasn’t a bad ball in sight. With the first 5 balls despatched and perfect on number 6 it was surely all over. But the pressure of the money coupled with the lack of support from his own team mates made him come out on the wrong side of the final ball and he was faced with a choice. Does he roll it in and go round the back of the two yellows and get on the black, or does he screw across from his last ball, into the yellows and hopefully hold for the easier black. JY played it safe and stroked the last one in but just didn’t hit it hard enough to leave an easy black to the centre. Instead with the white just off the bottom cushion and the black on its spot it was either the tricky cut to the middle or off straight length of the table pot to the top corner. Decisions decisions…
An eon passed as JY weighed up the options and finally went for the cut to the centre. A smooth stroke sent the black on its way as we rose from our seats to applaud him and to the victor the spoils...but NO! REJECTED! The black clips the first knuckle of the middle, then the second knuckle and sits over the pocket. Incredible - Brad and I were right behind the pot and it seemed to look perfect all the way. A collective sigh of relief from our corner was only shattered by the choicest of blue language from the Geordie boy in the other. James Graham then went in off, giving JY two shots on the easy black and he put us 4-2 up to sarcastic cheers and clapping from us about what an 'important' frame that was...
Failure!
4-2 at the break, but the important stat was that the money was now over £30 and all to play for. We now entered the usual routine of trying to bribe coach to play as high up in the order as possible to get the first shot at the cash. Tiz got the first crack in the second half and won the toss against Mike but yet another dry break meant that he didn’t get a chance. However he avoided a double doughnut on his Rackspack debut to put us 5-2 in front and almost out of sight.
The Bear went next and once again had to play the luckless Mark Webb. As if he was going halves with him Mark broke and left them perfect - and if there’s one person you don’t want to do that to, it’s the Most Hated Man In Pool.
If I had ran a book on who was going to get the cash I would have the MHMIP at the top of the list as heavy favourite. Not only is he is our best player but he is the sort of spawny git who was bound to have it handed to him on a plate. Neil was missing his first game in about 3 years of playing for us so you just knew it was going to go tonight when he wasn’t there. When Brad had arrived earlier saying that he only turned up because the jackpot was on a rollover there was a sense of inevitability about the destination of the first Show Boat Jackpot of the season. Sure enough, an absolute dot to dot finish was laid on for him and our only hope was he crumble under pressure, swine flu or our desperate attempts to put him off that would stop him. They all failed and 60 seconds later he was staring down a straight black. With one wave of the cue and a victory cry of " HONNNNNNNNNNNKK " the Showboat was won and he moved into second position just behind 'cold callers' as the most irritating person in Britain.
"Good afternoon, Im calling from the Halifax - did you know that our Brad Robinson Showboat Winner Commemorative Plaque is free when you purchase our house insurance?"
With the depressing sound of JY’s pound coin rattling alone in our piggy bank we trudged on while Brad was busy sending a text message to Neil which simply said "HONK HONK!". Again Tracy Harman played a great frame but was denied a double double-u on the night when JY nicked it. Coach repeated his first half success over Ray Enderby with possibly the finish of the night and the Wonder got away with murder when James missed a black over the bag to remain undefeated so far this season.
9-2 up and time for Hokey Cokey to get some revenge on Rob Sparks for his first half loss. Rob broke and after missing his last ball HC went for the clearance and a palty £4 from the new pot. He hit flair shot of the night smashing a red down the length of the cushion and screwing all the way back up the table to get on his last ball. But he rattled it in the jaws and Rob chalked up his second win on the night - both against HC - and despite no food being available because of the late switch of venue HC had still found time to dial up and order the dreaded double bagel! From shot of the night to worst performance of the night - these are the razor thin margins the Rackspack are dealing with.
Hokey Cokey - began the night as JOHN SHIEL , then went to JOHN SHIEL L and finally to JOHN SHIEL L L
So , 9-3 and on we march to the second half of the season. We should have been run a lot closer from 2-0 down but got away with three frames after that which we never should have won to pull clear. One Showboat gone, £4 rolling to next week.
Next week we'll be dipping into the mailbox as Mr Bradley Robinson demands a rules clarification and Ben Kiely-Kiely, one of the famous Kiely brothers, demands we stop taking the p**s. One of these people will get what they want!
Friday, August 07, 2009
Match Report - Away Versus The Bear
Week 4, and the good ship rackspack sails on!
Last week was a bye week so no match for the pack. Coach Southam in the person of your truly decided that a hard core practice session in the pool and drinking dens of Maidenhead was not required - frankly this team was playing great and I didn't want them to peak too soon! So with strict instructions that match day three was to to be spent resting cue arms and thumbs, the rackspack split for a week.
This weeks match was a grudge match against "the team formerly known as the other racks team". Following the demise of Racks, TTFKATORT had severed all ties with the past and changed their name to "The Bear". Local bragging rights were at stake, and I needed my best team out to show these boys that it was our patch, and we were number one! The first blow to my plans for world domination was the absence of Mr Walls. To paraphrase The Spice Girls - the favourite girl group of The Wonder - one was to become two; That's right, the Wonder was getting married!
Special Match Report - Keith "Wonder" Walls versus Hannah "Derr Frau" Pieper
Three weeks almost to the day after Keith got down on one knee and whispered those four magic words that would tie them together for the rest of their lives - "you're not, are you?" - we were in Munster for the social event of the year, the marriage of walls and Pieper, The Wonder and Derr Frau, Keith & Hannah!
We had arrived in Munster, Germany Thursday afternoon. There are two things you need to know about Munster. First is that there are some 50,000 students, so it's a very young and vibrant city. Secondly there are more bikes than people. Students can't afford cars so they cycle everywhere.
On Thursday night our first attempt at drinking the town dry had gone well but ultimately failed, so Friday night the wedding party met up for a second attempt. We hired bikes and cycled to a pre-wedding dinner in the forests outside Munster. Four hours and three courses of Tomato soup, Steak and Apple Strudel later the inevitable consequence of cycling too the pre-wedding dinner came to pass - we had to cycle home! Forget flash in the pan trends like inflated tyres, shock absorbers and padded seats, these bikes were as harsh on my stomach as they were on my backside. Luckily there were enough beer stops on the way to break the journey up and we got back to our hotel in one piece.
Saturday was the big day, and the boy Walls was in remarkably good shape. We met in Jim's room at 11AM, where we got dressed, and then got Keith dressed, and once we had "splooshed up" we were ready to send this man down the aisle. Keith's dad met us in reception, and we set of on the short walk to the registry office. It was a boiling hot day and the students were out in force. Needless to say we were the only people in suits so we got a few strange looks as we wandered through town.
As best man my primary job was to get Keith there. Getting him there on time was a bonus, so arriving at the registry office an hour before the conjugals were due to start was a result and job done by me. Keith needed a whisky to settle the nerves, but the first pub we went to was closed. The next place didn't serve alcohol, and the third wouldn't serve us unless we ate as well. As we wandered around the only place we could find to give us a cold beer was a kebab shop, so in true Keith Walls style we we spent his last twenty minutes as a free man in a kebab shop wearing suits drinking beer.
Back to the registry office, and the ceremony went without a hitch. After the well dones, congratulations, and thank god that overs we all headed to a farmhouse to drink the night away in the company of pigs, ducks, ponies, goats and rats - and that was just the buffet.
Keith's speech was a highlight, being as it was in German! For a man who is never seen without an audience, he was a bag of nerves. When he finally stood up to make the speech he was shaking so much he could hardly get the whisky glass to his mouth! Nor the beer glass! Nor the wine glass! However once he got going, despite each sentence being punctuated by a gulp of whatever was in the glass his hand reached first, he was fantastic, and the effort was appreciated by everyone present. It was one of the best wedding speeches I've ever seen despite, or perhaps because, I didn't understand a word of it. We drank and talked and laughed for the rest of the night and, after spending Sunday recovering, I returned to the UK in time to lead the team out against The Bear.
MATCH REPORT - AWAY VERSUS THE BEAR
I mentioned at the beginning that Keith was away in Germany still, so from the six who had won so convincingly in weeks one and two, I was a man down. Lee "Grinder" Greenwood had returned from holiday but couldn't make it, so I had to bite the bullet and ask Craig Wilson to get us out of a hole. Craig is about as useful as a chocolate teapot in these situations and I didn't hold out much hope of him turning up after he ignored both my texts and my voicemails.
I turned up at The Bear expecting to have to tell the team we had to play with just five, but John Young was there and he told me he had managed to get hold of Craig and that he had promised him he would be there by 9PM. Great success! This saved having to ring round and scramble a team together. More importantly than that the Show Boat Jackpot was a roll-over from last week! With £12 in the pot I had five people all desperate to play first and get first crack at the money!
Being the great and magnanimous captain I am I resisted the temptation to put myself in first, and in the absence of Keith I needed equal if not greater flair. There was only one man who fit the bill, and that was John Shiel.
After informing us last week that we should "watch him go" and see how many clearances he would get this season he was obviously the man for the job. My only concern was that after locking them up in darkened room with the greatest super-computer they could build for us, the two NASA scientists we had recruited last week to predict how many clearances he would make this season had gone completely insane and were presently detained under the mental health act. They were last seen mumbling something about "zero point zero" and complaining that the computer was not working properly.
I had to take a chance that John wouldn't do any finishing this week, so in at number one he went and he didn't let me down. 137 visits later and Baron Staples was consigned the pile of players Hokey Cokey Shiel had battered into submission. 1-0.
John Young was up next against Tony Baxter, and it was all one way traffic as John showed us that all the practice he had been doing had not gone to waste. 2-0.
As you might expect from any match between Brad Robinson and Steve Cox it was over in a flash. The showboat challenge was only briefly threatened as brad broke and went for the impossible clearance. He didn't get it, and Steve came in and mopped up. If he had been on our team it would have been worth £15 to him. As it was all he got was Kudos for beating the most hated man in pool. 2-1.
I was on fourth and was in command against Bluey Tatham. In command that is until I botched my last ball. A series of missed pots by both players followed, and eventually I popped the black in the take the frame, if not great applause. 3-1.
Neil was untroubled by Steve Newell (4-1) and in sixth it was Craig's time to debut for the Pack. Except it wasn't. He hadn't turned up. My texts voicemails had gone unanswered, my texts unreplied. I put it to the team, and their feeling were best summarised by a man who shall remain nameless when he said (in a Scottish accent) "Right that's it now. He can f**k off". Well said, the name of Craig Wilson shall not darken our door again this season.
So 4-2 at the break was effectively 4-3 as I knew we had to concede another frame in the second half. Neil had played well in his frame and in practice, so he was up first. He may have been playing a Baron, but Neil truly was Lord of all he surveyed as he won his second of the night for 5-3. I played Steve Cox next and it was a similar story to the first frame, missing a crucial ball as I did. Steve was not as forgiving as Bluey and he got his double for the night. 5-4.
Brad against Tony next, and Tony had a wonderful chance to consign Brad to the double-doughnut hall of fame, but snatched at his final ball. 6-4 after Brad punished the error.
Despite the fact that we were moving through the frames like s**t through a goose, JY clearly had other things on his mind i.e going home to be with his Thai bride, and gave out quicker than a twenty dollar whore (6-5) so it was down to John Shiel to win the final frame of the evening, give us the win we deserved, and maintain our 100% record. With no clearances so far the show boat jackpot was up to £21. John was like a bitch on heat, raring to go - but with a crucial frame to win, the jackpot would have to wait. With John's declaration that he was "fed up playing for the team, I could have gone for it from the off" I knew that the jackpot and the result were both safe, and that we had another week to try and find a replacement for the two scientists. So it proved as John did was John does, and beat John Williamson - former barman of Racks - into submission in under sixty visits. 7-5 the final score, and with us able to welcome back both Grinder and The Wonder next week it's all looking good for the pack.
SHOW BOAT UPDATE
As stunning as it might seem with all this flair on display, the Show Boat Jackpot is a roll-over! £22 in next weeks kitty!
HONK!!!!
Last week was a bye week so no match for the pack. Coach Southam in the person of your truly decided that a hard core practice session in the pool and drinking dens of Maidenhead was not required - frankly this team was playing great and I didn't want them to peak too soon! So with strict instructions that match day three was to to be spent resting cue arms and thumbs, the rackspack split for a week.
This weeks match was a grudge match against "the team formerly known as the other racks team". Following the demise of Racks, TTFKATORT had severed all ties with the past and changed their name to "The Bear". Local bragging rights were at stake, and I needed my best team out to show these boys that it was our patch, and we were number one! The first blow to my plans for world domination was the absence of Mr Walls. To paraphrase The Spice Girls - the favourite girl group of The Wonder - one was to become two; That's right, the Wonder was getting married!
Special Match Report - Keith "Wonder" Walls versus Hannah "Derr Frau" Pieper
Three weeks almost to the day after Keith got down on one knee and whispered those four magic words that would tie them together for the rest of their lives - "you're not, are you?" - we were in Munster for the social event of the year, the marriage of walls and Pieper, The Wonder and Derr Frau, Keith & Hannah!
We had arrived in Munster, Germany Thursday afternoon. There are two things you need to know about Munster. First is that there are some 50,000 students, so it's a very young and vibrant city. Secondly there are more bikes than people. Students can't afford cars so they cycle everywhere.
On Thursday night our first attempt at drinking the town dry had gone well but ultimately failed, so Friday night the wedding party met up for a second attempt. We hired bikes and cycled to a pre-wedding dinner in the forests outside Munster. Four hours and three courses of Tomato soup, Steak and Apple Strudel later the inevitable consequence of cycling too the pre-wedding dinner came to pass - we had to cycle home! Forget flash in the pan trends like inflated tyres, shock absorbers and padded seats, these bikes were as harsh on my stomach as they were on my backside. Luckily there were enough beer stops on the way to break the journey up and we got back to our hotel in one piece.
Saturday was the big day, and the boy Walls was in remarkably good shape. We met in Jim's room at 11AM, where we got dressed, and then got Keith dressed, and once we had "splooshed up" we were ready to send this man down the aisle. Keith's dad met us in reception, and we set of on the short walk to the registry office. It was a boiling hot day and the students were out in force. Needless to say we were the only people in suits so we got a few strange looks as we wandered through town.
As best man my primary job was to get Keith there. Getting him there on time was a bonus, so arriving at the registry office an hour before the conjugals were due to start was a result and job done by me. Keith needed a whisky to settle the nerves, but the first pub we went to was closed. The next place didn't serve alcohol, and the third wouldn't serve us unless we ate as well. As we wandered around the only place we could find to give us a cold beer was a kebab shop, so in true Keith Walls style we we spent his last twenty minutes as a free man in a kebab shop wearing suits drinking beer.
Back to the registry office, and the ceremony went without a hitch. After the well dones, congratulations, and thank god that overs we all headed to a farmhouse to drink the night away in the company of pigs, ducks, ponies, goats and rats - and that was just the buffet.
Keith's speech was a highlight, being as it was in German! For a man who is never seen without an audience, he was a bag of nerves. When he finally stood up to make the speech he was shaking so much he could hardly get the whisky glass to his mouth! Nor the beer glass! Nor the wine glass! However once he got going, despite each sentence being punctuated by a gulp of whatever was in the glass his hand reached first, he was fantastic, and the effort was appreciated by everyone present. It was one of the best wedding speeches I've ever seen despite, or perhaps because, I didn't understand a word of it. We drank and talked and laughed for the rest of the night and, after spending Sunday recovering, I returned to the UK in time to lead the team out against The Bear.
MATCH REPORT - AWAY VERSUS THE BEAR
I mentioned at the beginning that Keith was away in Germany still, so from the six who had won so convincingly in weeks one and two, I was a man down. Lee "Grinder" Greenwood had returned from holiday but couldn't make it, so I had to bite the bullet and ask Craig Wilson to get us out of a hole. Craig is about as useful as a chocolate teapot in these situations and I didn't hold out much hope of him turning up after he ignored both my texts and my voicemails.
I turned up at The Bear expecting to have to tell the team we had to play with just five, but John Young was there and he told me he had managed to get hold of Craig and that he had promised him he would be there by 9PM. Great success! This saved having to ring round and scramble a team together. More importantly than that the Show Boat Jackpot was a roll-over from last week! With £12 in the pot I had five people all desperate to play first and get first crack at the money!
Being the great and magnanimous captain I am I resisted the temptation to put myself in first, and in the absence of Keith I needed equal if not greater flair. There was only one man who fit the bill, and that was John Shiel.
After informing us last week that we should "watch him go" and see how many clearances he would get this season he was obviously the man for the job. My only concern was that after locking them up in darkened room with the greatest super-computer they could build for us, the two NASA scientists we had recruited last week to predict how many clearances he would make this season had gone completely insane and were presently detained under the mental health act. They were last seen mumbling something about "zero point zero" and complaining that the computer was not working properly.
I had to take a chance that John wouldn't do any finishing this week, so in at number one he went and he didn't let me down. 137 visits later and Baron Staples was consigned the pile of players Hokey Cokey Shiel had battered into submission. 1-0.
John Young was up next against Tony Baxter, and it was all one way traffic as John showed us that all the practice he had been doing had not gone to waste. 2-0.
As you might expect from any match between Brad Robinson and Steve Cox it was over in a flash. The showboat challenge was only briefly threatened as brad broke and went for the impossible clearance. He didn't get it, and Steve came in and mopped up. If he had been on our team it would have been worth £15 to him. As it was all he got was Kudos for beating the most hated man in pool. 2-1.
I was on fourth and was in command against Bluey Tatham. In command that is until I botched my last ball. A series of missed pots by both players followed, and eventually I popped the black in the take the frame, if not great applause. 3-1.
Neil was untroubled by Steve Newell (4-1) and in sixth it was Craig's time to debut for the Pack. Except it wasn't. He hadn't turned up. My texts voicemails had gone unanswered, my texts unreplied. I put it to the team, and their feeling were best summarised by a man who shall remain nameless when he said (in a Scottish accent) "Right that's it now. He can f**k off". Well said, the name of Craig Wilson shall not darken our door again this season.
So 4-2 at the break was effectively 4-3 as I knew we had to concede another frame in the second half. Neil had played well in his frame and in practice, so he was up first. He may have been playing a Baron, but Neil truly was Lord of all he surveyed as he won his second of the night for 5-3. I played Steve Cox next and it was a similar story to the first frame, missing a crucial ball as I did. Steve was not as forgiving as Bluey and he got his double for the night. 5-4.
Brad against Tony next, and Tony had a wonderful chance to consign Brad to the double-doughnut hall of fame, but snatched at his final ball. 6-4 after Brad punished the error.
Despite the fact that we were moving through the frames like s**t through a goose, JY clearly had other things on his mind i.e going home to be with his Thai bride, and gave out quicker than a twenty dollar whore (6-5) so it was down to John Shiel to win the final frame of the evening, give us the win we deserved, and maintain our 100% record. With no clearances so far the show boat jackpot was up to £21. John was like a bitch on heat, raring to go - but with a crucial frame to win, the jackpot would have to wait. With John's declaration that he was "fed up playing for the team, I could have gone for it from the off" I knew that the jackpot and the result were both safe, and that we had another week to try and find a replacement for the two scientists. So it proved as John did was John does, and beat John Williamson - former barman of Racks - into submission in under sixty visits. 7-5 the final score, and with us able to welcome back both Grinder and The Wonder next week it's all looking good for the pack.
SHOW BOAT UPDATE
As stunning as it might seem with all this flair on display, the Show Boat Jackpot is a roll-over! £22 in next weeks kitty!
HONK!!!!
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