*Captain’s Report Special*
The facts man, just the facts.
With two weeks left of the league season, we were assured of our place in the quarter finals by virtue of our win in week 8. With the words (along the lines of the previous sentence) of Coach Walls ringing in my ears, I did a quick head count for our penultimate game of the season, and worked out that I could gather five players quite easily – Me, JY, Magic, Lee G & Ben.
With Dave G moving house, and James Harness away on holiday I needed a sixth player – or did I? With our fate as league winners sealed I took a management decision to not bother recruiting a sixth player.
So it was with five men good and true that the Racks Pack convoy left Maidenhead for their Monday night date with The Golden Cross, Twyford.
Ahhhh the Golden Cross Twyford. The names conjures up images of a sleepy pub in a sleepy Berkshire town. Umbrellas in the garden, doddery old gits sitting in the corner of the pub chewing on the gravy, and the kind of smoky atmosphere you could cut through with a knife.
All that would be blasted to crap – literally – when we walked through the door to the pool room. Confronted by a 5 x 3 pool table in a 5.5 x 3.5 room, above it playing music so loud that my ears started bleeding, and a team of people vogueing or something similar, the only thing in danger of being cut through was my ear drum.
Surely they would turn it down? No. If anything it got louder. Worse than the actual volume, was that the speaker itself looked like it had come from a Fisher Price disco set it was so small – meaning that it wasn’t loud, clear music coming through, it was loud but completely distorted.
Anyway we ploughed on regardless, knowing that we were through anyway. Wrong!! After a brief shout with their captain I found out that both teams had lost only one game, and our one draw compared to their two was the only thing separating us from them.
I would love to tell you how, once again, we overcame the odds and battered them into submission but I can’t. We lost.
I knew we were in trouble when, at the bar, I asked the barman for a coke and he looked around as if he was gonna ask me to see him out the back in five minutes and he would see what he would do. I assured him I was after the kind that came with ice.
It was the kind of night where never really looked like winning, but not because we were playing badly but because we never had a single run of the balls. Particularly unlucky was JY and Ben Kiely. Twice he got to the black only to find himself on the cushion and cueing against the wall. 0-0 double doughnut.
JY had his game by the scruff when he snookered his opponent in his red behind his own final ball black. He not only got out of the snooker, but trebled the red in the corner leaving him perfect on the black.
I was the only player to win two that night and in the end we lost 7-5. I continued my good form and won twice, but with Neil, Lee & JY losing one each it wasn’t enough. Their captain accused me of being a good player! Well, I always kinda liked him!
So to the final games of the season, and with me ruling out a Golden Cross 12-0 victory against Grenfell Arms, a draw was required to get us to the knockout stages.
Once again Lee pulled out all the stops and bought Ben, Dave G AND Kailash Kohli ensuring that, for only the second time this season , the Captain had a decision to make (who to drop).
Things started well enough, with JY winning his first game, and with me on next surely we weren’t at home to Mr cock-up? Well potentially yes, as I played like a man with no thumbs. 1-1
Ben Kiely was up next attempting to prove that it is not humanly possible for one man to be unlucky in five straight games. Nice try Ben.1-2
It was time to put a spurt on; to make sure weren’t scrambling to get the draw in the last few games. Cue Dave Greenwood. Dave is from the school of pool that say keep it simple and pot as many balls as you can. No fancy stuff. He broke, matey boy had one shot, Dave cleared up. Nice one.
At 2-2 I was starting to get a bit more relaxed when I realised my two favourite players for knuckling down at the rear end (of a game that is) were up next – Neil & Lee. In fairness to their opponents, neither of them were ever in trouble. As regular Rackspack readers will know Lee can play these rules better then anyone, and played the non flair shot of the week to pin the black against his own red over the bag. His bum wobbled a bit when his opponent played a shot that relied completely to luck (smashin his balls around) and amazingly they all fell perfect for the clearance, but Captain Budg’s orders were clear and he duly obeyed. 2-4.
Second held was a similar story to the first. After Lee got his W-W for the night (2-5) Ben fell on his cue and allowed Kailash to have a game instead. Well a visit anyway – after which his opponent the dish in record time. 3-5.
After Dave lost (4-5) my bum was starting to wobble, especially when I realised I was up next. However after I attempted the “fairy” (hands that do dishes…) my oppo laid me in several snookers I kept getting out of. After some fudge and some budg, it was left to him to miss an easy black and leave it over the bag for me. No double-doughnut here. 4-6.
No we could relax, we had the draw. I knew John was relaxed when had the temerity to complain about having to play a woman. He overcame his opponent, as did Neil (winning pointless flair shot of the week for doubling-in the black in a match we had already won) and the final result (4-8) showed that in the final analysis we had overcome this potential banana skin quite easily.
Next stop, quarter finals.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Tribute To Steve Platt
Steve Platt (or ‘How I learned to keep the noise down’)
While working away last week it was sad to hear about the passing of Steve Platt. I hadn’t seen him for a while now since he had moved to Spain but it was still a sad moment when Kevin rang me to let me know. I think the last time we had a beer together could have been the 3 man at Yarmouth two years ago.
He was a genuinely good guy who fought cancer for a long time and somehow managed to survive numerous “you only have ….. to live” statements from doctors and experts. He took everything with amazing courage and dignity and you couldn't help but be impressed with Steve’s attitude to it all. He served with myself and JY on the Thames Valley Pool Committee for a few years and also played in a number of teams with myself, Kevin, James Harness, Brad and Lee. This included the Berkshire county side and teams in the Slough and Windsor leagues.
In the late 80's and early 90's Steve, Kevin, Scott Yardley, James and Stuart Harness, Neil Dodds, Bobby Nicholas, myself (and a few others that I’m sure I’ve missed out on) [Phil Reeves & Jason Brown spring to mind – KS) were playing together in Windsor. We all played for Robert Uzzell’s Willow Wanderers team, and as a rule each night we were first into every venue and always the last to leave - home or away. We were a loud and raucous side but in a fun way. We spent the evenings drinking, laughing at stupid jokes and ‘bundling’ people on the sofa at the Willows Caravan Park. “Splatty” (so called because of the unfortunate way the pool cards were written out at the time – S. Platt) was always the straight man of the operation and the quietest.
At Willows they ran bingo for the pensioners in the main room next to the pool area. Whenever we got a bit too loud and were being told off by Gordon the owner, someone would always turn to Steve and shout “Splatty keep the noise down!!” so he would get the blame. Steve would just sit there with a ‘not impressed’ look on his face while we carried on. It was the running joke of the seasons that we would blame him for the chaos going on.
I’m not properly qualified to talk about the long and painful fight Steve had with cancer, or how happy he was to get married and move out to Spain so I will put up a couple of stories that I’m always reminded off when I think of him. I hope anyone reading this who knew him will appreciate it. If I had to describe him, he was a Sid Little look-a-like with a love of the horses, a few beers and a game of pool.
Once when he was in hospital I heard that to keep himself busy and his mind active, he ran a book on who in the ward would be next ‘to go’. He had himself at 8-1 until one day the doctors told him that they had found another tumour. I think it was Stuart Harness I spoke to when I said “How’s Steve doing?” and Stuart replied, “not great, he has just chopped himself down to even money favourite!”
One night in the Willows after the match had finished, Steve played Kevin and the rule was that you had to double the black in. The black ended up right over a corner pocket and so the rule changed so that you had to bounce the white off at least two cushions before potting it. While Kevin’s efforts were reasonably close, Steve’s were terrible. He would spend a minute or so lining something up, hit the cue ball and watch it do laps of the table not getting anywhere near the 8-ball. Kevin and I were laughing at every attempt, mostly because we knew Steve was no good at this so you could always beat him. Finally he lined up a four cushion special declaring ‘watch this’ and thundered the white off one cushion and straight into the pocket furthest from the black. Kevin fell on the floor laughing and Steve was furious at us for laughing and stormed out. He came back in sometime later and all was forgiven. From then on we always referred to an attempted escape to pot a ball that goes horribly wrong as a Stevie Platt. We still do it even now.
The third memory was being in Roberts car going to a county game. Steve was doing the crossword and had finished it. Robert picked the newspaper up and said “Steve you've missed one. 36 across -‘Tired Postman.’”
‘Tired postman?’ says Steve and begins to think…… after about two minutes he says:
‘How many letters?’
‘THOUSANDS’ says Rob ‘THAT'S WHY HE’S SO TIRED!!!’
Everyone cracked up. Everyone except Steve, who just looked at us all in despair before managing a big grin just wide enough to show the few teeth that remained in his mouth. I laughed so much at the whole situation I was in tears.
That was Steve, the straight and steady, well respected member of the group that helped make it all fit together. He was a truly great guy and I cant begin to imagine the courage it must have took him to fight that illness through all those years of treatment and hospitals.
If there is a heaven then he is definitely there, but one piece of advice Steve – ‘keep the noise down’
Keith Walls
While working away last week it was sad to hear about the passing of Steve Platt. I hadn’t seen him for a while now since he had moved to Spain but it was still a sad moment when Kevin rang me to let me know. I think the last time we had a beer together could have been the 3 man at Yarmouth two years ago.
He was a genuinely good guy who fought cancer for a long time and somehow managed to survive numerous “you only have ….. to live” statements from doctors and experts. He took everything with amazing courage and dignity and you couldn't help but be impressed with Steve’s attitude to it all. He served with myself and JY on the Thames Valley Pool Committee for a few years and also played in a number of teams with myself, Kevin, James Harness, Brad and Lee. This included the Berkshire county side and teams in the Slough and Windsor leagues.
In the late 80's and early 90's Steve, Kevin, Scott Yardley, James and Stuart Harness, Neil Dodds, Bobby Nicholas, myself (and a few others that I’m sure I’ve missed out on) [Phil Reeves & Jason Brown spring to mind – KS) were playing together in Windsor. We all played for Robert Uzzell’s Willow Wanderers team, and as a rule each night we were first into every venue and always the last to leave - home or away. We were a loud and raucous side but in a fun way. We spent the evenings drinking, laughing at stupid jokes and ‘bundling’ people on the sofa at the Willows Caravan Park. “Splatty” (so called because of the unfortunate way the pool cards were written out at the time – S. Platt) was always the straight man of the operation and the quietest.
At Willows they ran bingo for the pensioners in the main room next to the pool area. Whenever we got a bit too loud and were being told off by Gordon the owner, someone would always turn to Steve and shout “Splatty keep the noise down!!” so he would get the blame. Steve would just sit there with a ‘not impressed’ look on his face while we carried on. It was the running joke of the seasons that we would blame him for the chaos going on.
I’m not properly qualified to talk about the long and painful fight Steve had with cancer, or how happy he was to get married and move out to Spain so I will put up a couple of stories that I’m always reminded off when I think of him. I hope anyone reading this who knew him will appreciate it. If I had to describe him, he was a Sid Little look-a-like with a love of the horses, a few beers and a game of pool.
Once when he was in hospital I heard that to keep himself busy and his mind active, he ran a book on who in the ward would be next ‘to go’. He had himself at 8-1 until one day the doctors told him that they had found another tumour. I think it was Stuart Harness I spoke to when I said “How’s Steve doing?” and Stuart replied, “not great, he has just chopped himself down to even money favourite!”
One night in the Willows after the match had finished, Steve played Kevin and the rule was that you had to double the black in. The black ended up right over a corner pocket and so the rule changed so that you had to bounce the white off at least two cushions before potting it. While Kevin’s efforts were reasonably close, Steve’s were terrible. He would spend a minute or so lining something up, hit the cue ball and watch it do laps of the table not getting anywhere near the 8-ball. Kevin and I were laughing at every attempt, mostly because we knew Steve was no good at this so you could always beat him. Finally he lined up a four cushion special declaring ‘watch this’ and thundered the white off one cushion and straight into the pocket furthest from the black. Kevin fell on the floor laughing and Steve was furious at us for laughing and stormed out. He came back in sometime later and all was forgiven. From then on we always referred to an attempted escape to pot a ball that goes horribly wrong as a Stevie Platt. We still do it even now.
The third memory was being in Roberts car going to a county game. Steve was doing the crossword and had finished it. Robert picked the newspaper up and said “Steve you've missed one. 36 across -‘Tired Postman.’”
‘Tired postman?’ says Steve and begins to think…… after about two minutes he says:
‘How many letters?’
‘THOUSANDS’ says Rob ‘THAT'S WHY HE’S SO TIRED!!!’
Everyone cracked up. Everyone except Steve, who just looked at us all in despair before managing a big grin just wide enough to show the few teeth that remained in his mouth. I laughed so much at the whole situation I was in tears.
That was Steve, the straight and steady, well respected member of the group that helped make it all fit together. He was a truly great guy and I cant begin to imagine the courage it must have took him to fight that illness through all those years of treatment and hospitals.
If there is a heaven then he is definitely there, but one piece of advice Steve – ‘keep the noise down’
Keith Walls
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Week 8 Captains report - Home versus NMCC
Patience is a virtue…or lessons in spotting the lesser-spotted Robinson
Week eight rolls around, and with it come some monumental changes. Firstly we were handicapped by the absence of Coach Walls for what would be our final home game of the season versus NMCC. Opinion was sharply divided as to whether this is, in fact, a handicap – the “yes” vote took it, swayed by the fact that someone else would have to pay for the sandwiches i.e. me.
The second change was that we would not be scrambling around for players. The recruitment drive initiated by my understudy to the role of vice-under-committee-sub-uber-budg-captain Lee “grinder” Greenwood had borne fruit. Earlier in the week he confirmed the recruitment of two of Thames Valley’s finest, Messrs Dave “Junior” Greenwood and Ben “Kylie” Keighly-Kiely, one of the famous Kailee brothers.
Six players and I was cock-a-hoop. We were playing against NMCC, whom avid readers will remember as the team we played against with four players and still managed to scrape a 7-5 victory…
“How many players have you got this week!?” asked the away vice-captain.
“We have six this time, but can I leave sixth place blank as we have another player on the way?”
He looks around at our team…
“Of course, no worries. At least we don’t have to play against the man, the legend Brad Robinson!!”
Ahem…
Six players available meant didn’t even need Brad…which was ironic, because it was this week of weeks that he had choosen to make his first appearance of the season.
So our opponents relief at not having to go toe-to-toe with Brad was short lived as I revealed that actually, the player we were waiting on was Mr Robinson!
The place – racks bar
The time – 7:59PM
The decision – who goes first
Having made the decision to drop John Young in favour of Mr Robinson, I needed a leadoff man. JY had played with Junior Greenwood before and assured me he was as good-a first place player as anyone, so in he went.
He proceeded to play like a man on the payroll of a Chinese betting syndicate. It was the kind of frame where afterwards you struggle to convince your teammates that you were actually trying to win the game. Unfortunately Stefan, Dave’s opponent, realised too late that the Nobel prize for pool philanthropy was canned years ago, and when he went in off for the second time in the frame Dave was left with a dot-to-dot finish he polished off. 1-0.
I was up next, and continued the riding luck theme. I debuted my new break off by throwing the white off the table and into the ladies toilets. Luckily Ray, one of three Dawsons in the opposition, couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo for the first five shots and I thought I was in for an easy ride. Then somebody flicked his switch, and a new ray Dawson appeared, one who couldn’t miss a fly’s arse twitch in a headwind at 200 yards! Needless to say I didn’t like the new Dawson as he proceeded to clear up. Luckily for me he got the last ball blues and let me in at my final red and a thin snick on the black. Nice finish for 2-0.
Third place Ben made a mockery of two of my statements from earlier that evening – firstly that he was any good and secondly that Dave and I had used up all our luck in the first two frames. His opponent left a half ball cut on the black that he stunned-in instead of rolling and promptly went in-off. 3-0.
Neil played his usual solid game and frankly it was a relief to see someone win without having to rely on an in-off. 4-0
Lee was up fifth, and made an interminable game 20 minutes longer than it should have been by pinning the black so close to his final red over the bag that he had to start potting his opponents balls before he got a chance at his own. Jim wasn’t having it and potted the red when trying to free the black. 5-0.
Then finally came Brad’s debut game of the season. I would say it was worth the wait but that would be a lie. However he didn’t really break a sweat to win his game. 6-0.
So 6-0 looks convincing on paper, but with a bit more luck (and I am writing this knowing our opposition are reading this at some point) it could easily have been 3-3.
Second half was a bit of a damp squib. Ben secured the win (7-0) and after that the only interest remaining was the sandwiches. Once Brad made a meal of them (literally – no one else had any) Dave went on and gave NMCC a deserved frame on the board. 7-1.
JY returned to the fold in position nine and returned with an instantly forgettable win. 8-1.
I played my winter league teammate Jim “pretty-boy” Floyd and secured my second frame of the evening with a lovely little finish. Sweet! 9-1
Frames eleven and twelve were the most interesting of the evening. Brad was up in eleventh spot and played like we were 9-1 up and half the team had disappeared. His opponent got to the black while Brad was still wondering which end of the cue to chalk. By his fourth attempt at potting it his teammates had realised that he had a chance of making NMCC history. He showed plenty of nerve but no nerves at all to not only win the game but also do it in style and double the black in. Cue much applause from his teammates and a new photo on the wall next to the table at NMCC. 9-2.
The magic was up last, and one again showed that not only does he deserve his nickname, but also he is one of the best last frame players around.
With the black in the middle of the “d” cushion, the white in the jaws of one of the d-end pockets and his final red over the opposite corner I was convinced a shot of touch and finesse was required. Neil was convinced otherwise and showed perfect cueing and amazing cue-power to pot the red and screw the entire length of the table to leave him perfect on the black. A fantastic shot that deserved a bigger audience. It would be an insult to call it pointless, so I shall award it vice-under-committee-sub-uber-budg-captain “not pointless” flair shot of the week. 10-2.
Two more games to go, but no Keith next week. Subject to a league update by the committee I believe we have secured the league title and can start looking forward to the quarter finals.
K&K.
Week eight rolls around, and with it come some monumental changes. Firstly we were handicapped by the absence of Coach Walls for what would be our final home game of the season versus NMCC. Opinion was sharply divided as to whether this is, in fact, a handicap – the “yes” vote took it, swayed by the fact that someone else would have to pay for the sandwiches i.e. me.
The second change was that we would not be scrambling around for players. The recruitment drive initiated by my understudy to the role of vice-under-committee-sub-uber-budg-captain Lee “grinder” Greenwood had borne fruit. Earlier in the week he confirmed the recruitment of two of Thames Valley’s finest, Messrs Dave “Junior” Greenwood and Ben “Kylie” Keighly-Kiely, one of the famous Kailee brothers.
Six players and I was cock-a-hoop. We were playing against NMCC, whom avid readers will remember as the team we played against with four players and still managed to scrape a 7-5 victory…
“How many players have you got this week!?” asked the away vice-captain.
“We have six this time, but can I leave sixth place blank as we have another player on the way?”
He looks around at our team…
“Of course, no worries. At least we don’t have to play against the man, the legend Brad Robinson!!”
Ahem…
Six players available meant didn’t even need Brad…which was ironic, because it was this week of weeks that he had choosen to make his first appearance of the season.
So our opponents relief at not having to go toe-to-toe with Brad was short lived as I revealed that actually, the player we were waiting on was Mr Robinson!
The place – racks bar
The time – 7:59PM
The decision – who goes first
Having made the decision to drop John Young in favour of Mr Robinson, I needed a leadoff man. JY had played with Junior Greenwood before and assured me he was as good-a first place player as anyone, so in he went.
He proceeded to play like a man on the payroll of a Chinese betting syndicate. It was the kind of frame where afterwards you struggle to convince your teammates that you were actually trying to win the game. Unfortunately Stefan, Dave’s opponent, realised too late that the Nobel prize for pool philanthropy was canned years ago, and when he went in off for the second time in the frame Dave was left with a dot-to-dot finish he polished off. 1-0.
I was up next, and continued the riding luck theme. I debuted my new break off by throwing the white off the table and into the ladies toilets. Luckily Ray, one of three Dawsons in the opposition, couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo for the first five shots and I thought I was in for an easy ride. Then somebody flicked his switch, and a new ray Dawson appeared, one who couldn’t miss a fly’s arse twitch in a headwind at 200 yards! Needless to say I didn’t like the new Dawson as he proceeded to clear up. Luckily for me he got the last ball blues and let me in at my final red and a thin snick on the black. Nice finish for 2-0.
Third place Ben made a mockery of two of my statements from earlier that evening – firstly that he was any good and secondly that Dave and I had used up all our luck in the first two frames. His opponent left a half ball cut on the black that he stunned-in instead of rolling and promptly went in-off. 3-0.
Neil played his usual solid game and frankly it was a relief to see someone win without having to rely on an in-off. 4-0
Lee was up fifth, and made an interminable game 20 minutes longer than it should have been by pinning the black so close to his final red over the bag that he had to start potting his opponents balls before he got a chance at his own. Jim wasn’t having it and potted the red when trying to free the black. 5-0.
Then finally came Brad’s debut game of the season. I would say it was worth the wait but that would be a lie. However he didn’t really break a sweat to win his game. 6-0.
So 6-0 looks convincing on paper, but with a bit more luck (and I am writing this knowing our opposition are reading this at some point) it could easily have been 3-3.
Second half was a bit of a damp squib. Ben secured the win (7-0) and after that the only interest remaining was the sandwiches. Once Brad made a meal of them (literally – no one else had any) Dave went on and gave NMCC a deserved frame on the board. 7-1.
JY returned to the fold in position nine and returned with an instantly forgettable win. 8-1.
I played my winter league teammate Jim “pretty-boy” Floyd and secured my second frame of the evening with a lovely little finish. Sweet! 9-1
Frames eleven and twelve were the most interesting of the evening. Brad was up in eleventh spot and played like we were 9-1 up and half the team had disappeared. His opponent got to the black while Brad was still wondering which end of the cue to chalk. By his fourth attempt at potting it his teammates had realised that he had a chance of making NMCC history. He showed plenty of nerve but no nerves at all to not only win the game but also do it in style and double the black in. Cue much applause from his teammates and a new photo on the wall next to the table at NMCC. 9-2.
The magic was up last, and one again showed that not only does he deserve his nickname, but also he is one of the best last frame players around.
With the black in the middle of the “d” cushion, the white in the jaws of one of the d-end pockets and his final red over the opposite corner I was convinced a shot of touch and finesse was required. Neil was convinced otherwise and showed perfect cueing and amazing cue-power to pot the red and screw the entire length of the table to leave him perfect on the black. A fantastic shot that deserved a bigger audience. It would be an insult to call it pointless, so I shall award it vice-under-committee-sub-uber-budg-captain “not pointless” flair shot of the week. 10-2.
Two more games to go, but no Keith next week. Subject to a league update by the committee I believe we have secured the league title and can start looking forward to the quarter finals.
K&K.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Week 7 Captain's Report - Away versus Grenfell Arms
The Risks Associated With Pulling A “Dave Brubeck” (or the night we decided to ‘Take Five’ and finally got our comeuppance)
In case the Brubeck reference has passed you by and jazz isn’t exactly your forte then try this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDOgYw5-pNs
In fact I would advise running this in the background while you read this weeks mind numbing dribble. You never know, with any luck the music might take your attention away from this weeks blog entry.
On Monday I decide to take a new approach. I wasn't going to text anyone, mail anybody or make any last minute phone calls. I would just assume we weren’t going to have six players and live with it. I got home from work on time for a change, jumped on my bike (which badly needs maintenance or dumping in a canal, whichever is easiest) and cycled to Slough Station. The train arrived as soon as I got on the platform, what a nice way to start to the evening. I arrived at Racks for 6:20pm and it was empty. More importantly the Murphy’s was back on. What’s more, the main table wasn't reserved – could it get any better??
Dom Taylor’s monthly direct debit to Racks must have got caught up in the banking system or maybe he’s cut back after the recent stock exchange crashes. Either way I jumped on it in a flash and even managed to get Vic’s balls as well. Things were going a little too well but it did put me in a joyful frame of mind - certainly joyful enough to shrug off the usual “I cant make it, working” SMS from Brad. Leo was nowhere to be seen either, he has obviously learnt his lesson the hard way and I doubt he will ever be in Racks before 8 o’clock while the summer league rolls on. Everyone else had made it and I’m tired of chasing up players so to hell with it - we would just “Dave Brubeck”.
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As a side note (and this one is for any committee members that are reading), any chance you can put the rules up for the summer league onto the front of the website? You managed to get the scores and tables done last week so thanks for that part. However a few people have asked me how the knockout stages will work and I don't honestly know. Any chance you can put up how the last eight are selected including how you will sort out a tiebreak between teams if its needed. It would be good for the players to know how its going to work and it also means everyone should know where they stand going into the last few matches. I think it will save you a lot of hassle in a months time when the sections finish. If you get any complaints just give them the “it was clearly stated on the website” and that will cover it – it’ll certainly avoid any accusations of corruption if people know in advance what the criteria are. Something nice and simple would do – “winners go through plus the ……..” “ they will be decided by….. yah da yah da yah da…”
If that's not possible then mail it to us on rackspack@hotmail.com and we will shove it on here as we would be interested to know as well.
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Of course, we shouldn't be in any danger of worrying about the runners up spots. After all we may have just five players but it’s only away to the Grenfell Arms for goodness sake, what can possibly go wrong?? We pop in, have a drink, rattle off the frames by nine thirty and its back to Racks for some beers, some pointless flair and a chinwag.
Fast forward to 9:32pm…..
JY: “ what’s the score now then?”
“We’re 6-3 down John”
“F*****g hell, how the f**k did that happen yah cheeky f****n’ c**t?”
…How indeed – rewind to 8:01PM…
It may be drawing to the end of the summer but the evenings are still bright until about 9’ish – unless of course you are in the Grenfell. It’s like the Black Hole Of Calcutta [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Hole_of_Calcutta - ED]. You open the front door and its bright sunshine outside. But you move two metres inside the door and you are bumping into tables and stools. Your eyes are squinted like a Vietnamese weight lifter during the clean and jerk.
We managed to arrive in one car at 8:01pm. By the time we walked in and managed to find each other again it was quarter past. Any other teams that go to play there - I would suggest some sort of ‘buddy’ system between you. There were three light sockets above the table but only two of them worked so one half of the table was all shadows. The only lights were coming off the fruit machine and the TV, but the barman turned them off so it wouldn't distract us!
Mark Hedges walked over and said “We are missing a bulb”. I showed him our card which, in Brad’s absence, had only five names on it, and replied “So are we!”. [You set ‘em up , and I’ll knock ‘em down…Ed]
The table is one of the slowest I have played on. It feels like you are playing on a shag-pile rug. You have to wallop just about everything and trying to bounce a white off a cushion and down the table is an impossible task. However it's the same for everyone so not to worry, and besides if you don't have a table you don't have a team so there’s something to be said for it.
I kicked it off with a win and Kevin followed up for an early 2-0 lead. JY then lost a shocker before disappearing into the night in the direction of the ‘Tri Towers’ card game on the amusement machine. Lee put us 3-1 up and it was looking good.
Back in our first meeting with the Grenfell, you may remember our guest appearance from Will Graham ending in a disaster. He landed Richard Meadows in the front and back six and Richard had brought out the Family Sized Bucket O’Fudge specially for him. Well, this time he worked his magic on ‘Magic’ and beat Neil. 3-2.
Throw in the two frames we had to give up and we found ourselves 4-3 behind at the turn. To make matters worse Richard then doubled up on the night and beat Lee. You can’t fudge with budge. 5-3.
With luck, at that point the sandwiches came out. Seizing the moment I managed to grab one of them and lay a small trail of breadcrumbs from the games machine to the table, enabling JY find his way back to the baize for frame 9. Fifteen minutes later I was wishing that I had left him to the ghosts and ghouls of the gloom as he brought out the flange stick, waved it around, hit himself full in the face with it and lost. 6-3.
“What’s the score now then?”
“We’re 6-3 down John”
“F*****g hell, how the f**k did that happen yah cheeky f****n’ c**t?”
You may well ask, Double Doughnut boy!! (0-0)
Hopefully, one thing that will stand us in good stead for the remainder of the season is our ability to win crucial frames. Goodness knows we have had plenty of practice so far with not having enough players. Sure enough we took the last three to snatch the draw. Neil nailed a tough black from under the cushion for 4-6. Kevin cracked in another to hold onto a slender lead at the top of averages, and it was left to me to complete the comeback 6-6.
Talking of averages, here are the standings in the Racks Packs “I am the greatest and now I have a trophy to prove it and I will be larging it over all of you ‘til next season” Trophy.
Kev 80% (8 from 10)
Keith 79% (11 from 14)
Neil 79% (11 from 14)
JY 71% (10 from 14)
Lee 66% (4 from 6)
At the end of the match we all shook hands, until Neil demonstrated the benefit of eating lots of carrots and pointed out that in the darkness we were actually shaking hands with each other and not the opposition. So JY lit up a flare he found by the fire extinguisher and we spotted Richard and co on the other side of the bar. We ran over, signed the cards, thanked everyone for a good night and jumped into the car and sped off into the relative light of Maidenhead at 11PM.
No game next week as it’s bank holiday so have no doubt that Brad has probably arranged time off in order to make it.
Note from the editor:
No game next week - it's a bank holiday, so a two week gap until our home game against NMCC gives us time to regroup for our final assault on the league title.
If we needed any more encouragement, our glorous "leader" Captain "Coach" Walls will not be available for selection as he is on a scouting trip to Switzerland. So for the first time this season vice-under-chairman-captain-uber-lord Southam will take charge of the team. I'd like to say I've learned a lot about how to be a team captain from Coach Walls. It would be a complete lie however, so all I'll say is I have already put the word on the street that we are looking for a couple of quality players to fill the gap left by Coach Walls (I wonder if Anne-Marie is still available) and I hope to schedule a press conference in due course.
In case the Brubeck reference has passed you by and jazz isn’t exactly your forte then try this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDOgYw5-pNs
In fact I would advise running this in the background while you read this weeks mind numbing dribble. You never know, with any luck the music might take your attention away from this weeks blog entry.
On Monday I decide to take a new approach. I wasn't going to text anyone, mail anybody or make any last minute phone calls. I would just assume we weren’t going to have six players and live with it. I got home from work on time for a change, jumped on my bike (which badly needs maintenance or dumping in a canal, whichever is easiest) and cycled to Slough Station. The train arrived as soon as I got on the platform, what a nice way to start to the evening. I arrived at Racks for 6:20pm and it was empty. More importantly the Murphy’s was back on. What’s more, the main table wasn't reserved – could it get any better??
Dom Taylor’s monthly direct debit to Racks must have got caught up in the banking system or maybe he’s cut back after the recent stock exchange crashes. Either way I jumped on it in a flash and even managed to get Vic’s balls as well. Things were going a little too well but it did put me in a joyful frame of mind - certainly joyful enough to shrug off the usual “I cant make it, working” SMS from Brad. Leo was nowhere to be seen either, he has obviously learnt his lesson the hard way and I doubt he will ever be in Racks before 8 o’clock while the summer league rolls on. Everyone else had made it and I’m tired of chasing up players so to hell with it - we would just “Dave Brubeck”.
********************************************
As a side note (and this one is for any committee members that are reading), any chance you can put the rules up for the summer league onto the front of the website? You managed to get the scores and tables done last week so thanks for that part. However a few people have asked me how the knockout stages will work and I don't honestly know. Any chance you can put up how the last eight are selected including how you will sort out a tiebreak between teams if its needed. It would be good for the players to know how its going to work and it also means everyone should know where they stand going into the last few matches. I think it will save you a lot of hassle in a months time when the sections finish. If you get any complaints just give them the “it was clearly stated on the website” and that will cover it – it’ll certainly avoid any accusations of corruption if people know in advance what the criteria are. Something nice and simple would do – “winners go through plus the ……..” “ they will be decided by….. yah da yah da yah da…”
If that's not possible then mail it to us on rackspack@hotmail.com and we will shove it on here as we would be interested to know as well.
********************************************
Of course, we shouldn't be in any danger of worrying about the runners up spots. After all we may have just five players but it’s only away to the Grenfell Arms for goodness sake, what can possibly go wrong?? We pop in, have a drink, rattle off the frames by nine thirty and its back to Racks for some beers, some pointless flair and a chinwag.
Fast forward to 9:32pm…..
JY: “ what’s the score now then?”
“We’re 6-3 down John”
“F*****g hell, how the f**k did that happen yah cheeky f****n’ c**t?”
…How indeed – rewind to 8:01PM…
It may be drawing to the end of the summer but the evenings are still bright until about 9’ish – unless of course you are in the Grenfell. It’s like the Black Hole Of Calcutta [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Hole_of_Calcutta - ED]. You open the front door and its bright sunshine outside. But you move two metres inside the door and you are bumping into tables and stools. Your eyes are squinted like a Vietnamese weight lifter during the clean and jerk.
We managed to arrive in one car at 8:01pm. By the time we walked in and managed to find each other again it was quarter past. Any other teams that go to play there - I would suggest some sort of ‘buddy’ system between you. There were three light sockets above the table but only two of them worked so one half of the table was all shadows. The only lights were coming off the fruit machine and the TV, but the barman turned them off so it wouldn't distract us!
Mark Hedges walked over and said “We are missing a bulb”. I showed him our card which, in Brad’s absence, had only five names on it, and replied “So are we!”. [You set ‘em up , and I’ll knock ‘em down…Ed]
The table is one of the slowest I have played on. It feels like you are playing on a shag-pile rug. You have to wallop just about everything and trying to bounce a white off a cushion and down the table is an impossible task. However it's the same for everyone so not to worry, and besides if you don't have a table you don't have a team so there’s something to be said for it.
I kicked it off with a win and Kevin followed up for an early 2-0 lead. JY then lost a shocker before disappearing into the night in the direction of the ‘Tri Towers’ card game on the amusement machine. Lee put us 3-1 up and it was looking good.
Back in our first meeting with the Grenfell, you may remember our guest appearance from Will Graham ending in a disaster. He landed Richard Meadows in the front and back six and Richard had brought out the Family Sized Bucket O’Fudge specially for him. Well, this time he worked his magic on ‘Magic’ and beat Neil. 3-2.
Throw in the two frames we had to give up and we found ourselves 4-3 behind at the turn. To make matters worse Richard then doubled up on the night and beat Lee. You can’t fudge with budge. 5-3.
With luck, at that point the sandwiches came out. Seizing the moment I managed to grab one of them and lay a small trail of breadcrumbs from the games machine to the table, enabling JY find his way back to the baize for frame 9. Fifteen minutes later I was wishing that I had left him to the ghosts and ghouls of the gloom as he brought out the flange stick, waved it around, hit himself full in the face with it and lost. 6-3.
“What’s the score now then?”
“We’re 6-3 down John”
“F*****g hell, how the f**k did that happen yah cheeky f****n’ c**t?”
You may well ask, Double Doughnut boy!! (0-0)
Hopefully, one thing that will stand us in good stead for the remainder of the season is our ability to win crucial frames. Goodness knows we have had plenty of practice so far with not having enough players. Sure enough we took the last three to snatch the draw. Neil nailed a tough black from under the cushion for 4-6. Kevin cracked in another to hold onto a slender lead at the top of averages, and it was left to me to complete the comeback 6-6.
Talking of averages, here are the standings in the Racks Packs “I am the greatest and now I have a trophy to prove it and I will be larging it over all of you ‘til next season” Trophy.
Kev 80% (8 from 10)
Keith 79% (11 from 14)
Neil 79% (11 from 14)
JY 71% (10 from 14)
Lee 66% (4 from 6)
At the end of the match we all shook hands, until Neil demonstrated the benefit of eating lots of carrots and pointed out that in the darkness we were actually shaking hands with each other and not the opposition. So JY lit up a flare he found by the fire extinguisher and we spotted Richard and co on the other side of the bar. We ran over, signed the cards, thanked everyone for a good night and jumped into the car and sped off into the relative light of Maidenhead at 11PM.
No game next week as it’s bank holiday so have no doubt that Brad has probably arranged time off in order to make it.
Note from the editor:
No game next week - it's a bank holiday, so a two week gap until our home game against NMCC gives us time to regroup for our final assault on the league title.
If we needed any more encouragement, our glorous "leader" Captain "Coach" Walls will not be available for selection as he is on a scouting trip to Switzerland. So for the first time this season vice-under-chairman-captain-uber-lord Southam will take charge of the team. I'd like to say I've learned a lot about how to be a team captain from Coach Walls. It would be a complete lie however, so all I'll say is I have already put the word on the street that we are looking for a couple of quality players to fill the gap left by Coach Walls (I wonder if Anne-Marie is still available) and I hope to schedule a press conference in due course.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Dear Racks Pack...
Postal Strike?? What postal strike??
It's a packed mailbag yet again down here in the Racks Offices. Let's print some grievances and give airtime to some oddballs as we open up the sack.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
I hear that you guys play a bit of poker and know your stuff. I was at the Racks £6 freezeout on Wednesday and I found myself in the following situation - what do you recommend.
I was in the Big Blind with a pair of 7s. The person in first position raised to 1000, this was called by a woman who had not played a hand all night (worrying I thought). Then the person on the button thinks for ages before calling and the small blind folded. I decided not to raise, but instead just called hoping to hit another 7. Just as the flop came out, so did the sandwiches. What I want to know is - was I right to eat the sandwiches or should I have bought a snickers?
Juan Tonamero, Taplow
RP - This is a serious dilemma and one that we have all found ourselves in. I was there on Wednesday playing in the singles league and I heard from a source that some of those sarnies had been there since Monday. Of course the difference between the pair of sevens and the tuna sandwiches is that at least you could always fold the sevens.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
Is the sight of James Harness coming up the stairs into Racks in full motorcycle leathers and still wearing his crash helmet the scariest looking thing on planet? I honestly thought my number was up and the grim reaper had arrived for me. Can you stop him doing that again or at least give a warning that he is going to arrive?
Frightened of Maidenhead
RP - We will try our best. But to be honest we have seen him consume a four course meal for two by himself and then down a pint of lager on top of that. Far more frightening.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys,
I’ve just purchased "Relaxation and Tranquility - a step by step guide to Inner Peace" by Rod Harvey, is it up there with Martin Smith’s "Learning to pot balls" course?
Karl Von Warehouse
RP - Pretty much. I can also recommend "Me and Ray - a guide for lovers" by Andy Brant, "Great Handshakes through the Ages" by Steve Payne and "Conquering Shyness" by Robert Uzzell. If they’re not available we have two of Gary Hoads books in the office, you are welcome to borrow them - "Cue Snapping - enter the ninja" and "Magners Cider - its part in my downfall". [Don’t forget the Rackspack bestseller “Hiro loves Andy and Ray”, Andy Brant’s seminal guide to under-age, under-the-counter Thai adoption – ED]
-------------------------------------------------------------
Hi RP, what’s the deal here??
Does this Brad guy actually exist or is he made up? My wife and I are always arguing about it. I say he must exist, but she says that you guys have made him up just to have an extremely thin 'running joke' every week. Maybe it’s like Arthur Daley’s wife in Minder or Keyser Soze in that film Usual Suspects.
Anyway, I say that he does exist and further more I think I have tracked him down for you. A few weeks ago I was in Thailand on holidays with some mates. We all drank a few too many and for a laugh we went to one of those 'Lady-Boys' theatres. It cost us about 50 pence to go in and we were hoping to set up my mate as it was his birthday.
When we took our seats they began by performing a 30 minute play called "Larder Boys Nob In". The star of the show was a bear of a man with a Chelsea tattoo on his left “breast”. It was actually very funny and at the end we even managed to get an autograph from him, the well named Babylon Resin Rod.
Back at the hotel after a few more beers imagine my amazement when I worked out that Larder Boys Nob In and Babylon Resin Rod are actually anagrams of Bradley Robinson!!!!!!!!! [Is this the blog equivalent of the leading man explaining the plot of a confusing film to his leading lady and simultaneously making sure the audience understand what is going on? – ED] We were stunned!!! We raced back to the theatre but it had shut for the night and we never returned.
Could I be onto something?
Marcus Absent
RP - Are you onto something? For your sake Marcus, let’s hope not.
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
I’ve just looked up on the web where you play. Your town is next to places called Cookham and Burnham, what the hell do you do down there? Burn Witches??
Anon.
RP – Very droll anon. Sorry to disappoint you though but we don’t burn them, we recycle all of our used magazines.
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
Just to let you both know, the op went well, I am now recovering xxxx
Jane (ex Brad)
RP - Hmmmm…….
---------------------------------------------------------
More inane dribbling next time we open our bulging sack...
K&K
It's a packed mailbag yet again down here in the Racks Offices. Let's print some grievances and give airtime to some oddballs as we open up the sack.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
I hear that you guys play a bit of poker and know your stuff. I was at the Racks £6 freezeout on Wednesday and I found myself in the following situation - what do you recommend.
I was in the Big Blind with a pair of 7s. The person in first position raised to 1000, this was called by a woman who had not played a hand all night (worrying I thought). Then the person on the button thinks for ages before calling and the small blind folded. I decided not to raise, but instead just called hoping to hit another 7. Just as the flop came out, so did the sandwiches. What I want to know is - was I right to eat the sandwiches or should I have bought a snickers?
Juan Tonamero, Taplow
RP - This is a serious dilemma and one that we have all found ourselves in. I was there on Wednesday playing in the singles league and I heard from a source that some of those sarnies had been there since Monday. Of course the difference between the pair of sevens and the tuna sandwiches is that at least you could always fold the sevens.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
Is the sight of James Harness coming up the stairs into Racks in full motorcycle leathers and still wearing his crash helmet the scariest looking thing on planet? I honestly thought my number was up and the grim reaper had arrived for me. Can you stop him doing that again or at least give a warning that he is going to arrive?
Frightened of Maidenhead
RP - We will try our best. But to be honest we have seen him consume a four course meal for two by himself and then down a pint of lager on top of that. Far more frightening.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys,
I’ve just purchased "Relaxation and Tranquility - a step by step guide to Inner Peace" by Rod Harvey, is it up there with Martin Smith’s "Learning to pot balls" course?
Karl Von Warehouse
RP - Pretty much. I can also recommend "Me and Ray - a guide for lovers" by Andy Brant, "Great Handshakes through the Ages" by Steve Payne and "Conquering Shyness" by Robert Uzzell. If they’re not available we have two of Gary Hoads books in the office, you are welcome to borrow them - "Cue Snapping - enter the ninja" and "Magners Cider - its part in my downfall". [Don’t forget the Rackspack bestseller “Hiro loves Andy and Ray”, Andy Brant’s seminal guide to under-age, under-the-counter Thai adoption – ED]
-------------------------------------------------------------
Hi RP, what’s the deal here??
Does this Brad guy actually exist or is he made up? My wife and I are always arguing about it. I say he must exist, but she says that you guys have made him up just to have an extremely thin 'running joke' every week. Maybe it’s like Arthur Daley’s wife in Minder or Keyser Soze in that film Usual Suspects.
Anyway, I say that he does exist and further more I think I have tracked him down for you. A few weeks ago I was in Thailand on holidays with some mates. We all drank a few too many and for a laugh we went to one of those 'Lady-Boys' theatres. It cost us about 50 pence to go in and we were hoping to set up my mate as it was his birthday.
When we took our seats they began by performing a 30 minute play called "Larder Boys Nob In". The star of the show was a bear of a man with a Chelsea tattoo on his left “breast”. It was actually very funny and at the end we even managed to get an autograph from him, the well named Babylon Resin Rod.
Back at the hotel after a few more beers imagine my amazement when I worked out that Larder Boys Nob In and Babylon Resin Rod are actually anagrams of Bradley Robinson!!!!!!!!! [Is this the blog equivalent of the leading man explaining the plot of a confusing film to his leading lady and simultaneously making sure the audience understand what is going on? – ED] We were stunned!!! We raced back to the theatre but it had shut for the night and we never returned.
Could I be onto something?
Marcus Absent
RP - Are you onto something? For your sake Marcus, let’s hope not.
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
I’ve just looked up on the web where you play. Your town is next to places called Cookham and Burnham, what the hell do you do down there? Burn Witches??
Anon.
RP – Very droll anon. Sorry to disappoint you though but we don’t burn them, we recycle all of our used magazines.
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Rackspack,
Just to let you both know, the op went well, I am now recovering xxxx
Jane (ex Brad)
RP - Hmmmm…….
---------------------------------------------------------
More inane dribbling next time we open our bulging sack...
K&K
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Week 6 Captains Report - Away versus WAMDSAD
Five go mad down the WAMDSAD Social!
Great god almighty is it that time again?? Monday afternoon, pool this evening! Quick check of the fixtures…da da da de da…(finger going across the page). There we go. Oh Lordy, it’s time to play against everyone’s favourite 80s pool cover band WHAM-SAD!
Ok, mail everyone
“WAMSDAD away. Meet at Racks if you like, I should be there about 7:30”.
Right, all I have to do is sit back, relax and wait for Brad to blow us out yet again…..sure enough, despite mailing me and saying how he would be there and having the front to call me a ‘butt monkey’, the inevitable 7:26pm SMS arrived:
“sorry mate working”.
********************
I’m just going to digress here for a moment so bear with me......Last week the football season kicked off with Sunderland playing Tottenham. SKY had been hyping up the premiership to all new levels of tackiness with the promise of excitement and thrilling action. Ultimately, the game turned out to be one of the worst in premiership history and if it wasn't for the last minute goal, it would have been an utter damp squib and a total waste of time watching. I’m starting to get that feeling about Brad Robinson’s eventual debut!
I wake up in a cold sweat at night in the middle of this reoccurring dream. We are playing Dom’s lot in the final. [please make this part come true – ED] Brad has sent me a text telling me he will be there in the second half. He then loses and it ends up 6-6. He begs me to let him play the decider and promises me he will make up for missing the season by winning the clincher. I give in and he clears up to leave a simple black over the bag. Just as he hits the white his boss rings him , the phone goes off in his pocket and Brad miscues topping the white in to lose the match.
It occupies my every waking minute……
********************
I get to Racks to cop the usual flak from the slack jawed yokels in the team about us only having five again. But my spirits are lifted when I see that Martin Smith has an advert on the noticeboard. He is offering ‘potting’ lessons at reasonable rates. The mind boggles. What’s next I wonder - how to have a good attendance by Brad Robinson? Don't let alcohol ruin your pool semi final at 6-5 down with Steve Cox??? Sandwiches - how to make the meal of kings by the Racks Bar staff ?? [I sense a whole article coming on here – ED]
Brad missing again but Leo is in ‘da house and he is in full effect (one for all you young homeys out there). He takes some convincing but finally agrees to make up the sixth player to add to the usual suspects and the return of ‘Grinder’ Greenwood.
Kevin offers him a lift down but Leo hasn't eaten yet and says he needs to stop off at McDonalds.
“MCDONALDS!!!”
Kevin freezes in his tracks like a gun dog hearing a duck quack at 400 yards. The shoulders are back, ears are pricked…he’s motionless…hmmmm McDonalds…
We snap him out of it and send him off with JY instead to save him from temptation.
It's the second half of the season and it’s time to kick the arse of PAMSDAD and stamp our authority on the section.
I’m useless [should there be a full stop here – ED] in the opener and get lucky when my opponent gives me two shots. I clear up to the black and attempt a double into the corner instead of the simple cut to clinch ‘Flair shot of the week’ but choke it and need to use the second visit. 1-0
Kevin is total budge! I’ve seen better frames round the pictures in a curry house. It is woeful and the current King of the Averages has blundered the lead away. The team gives him the slating he deserves but he has his revenge on me with the football card. I chuck in a pound and ask for Norwich and Plymouth but he writes down Celtic and Bolton as he tells me that I cant pick my nose at the moment. I don't need to tell you what happened…
“I thought you had taken Norwich” says the vocal local from WIGWAMSMAD as he walks off with the tenner that should have been mine!
JY goes on and is nothing short of awesome. They break and JY produces the dish of the summer season - fresh fruit, ice cream even the cherry on top. He went through his opponent so fast that we had to hose pieces of the guy from out of the grill of the JY-mobile that had just run over him.
‘Magic’ chalked up another W for 3-1, and two weeks at an intensive Spanish summer training camp paid off for Lee immediately afterwards. 4-1.
Game six, and Leo stepped up as the man with the 100% record and sat down ten minutes later as the man with the 80% record. At the break it was Racks Pack 4, HAMSALAD 2.
Leo then got back up to 84% with an excellent black to the centre. Kevin redeemed himself and his reputation and JY and Lee took their games without much fuss.
I ended up playing a woman who pleaded with me to make sure she got at least one shot. She broke, I potted three yellows, split the pack, managed to sink the black in the centre off two reds, shook her hand and sat down again - what a gentlemen! Racks Pack 8 LAMBSNADS 3.
It was left to ‘Magic’ to put up his double on the night and join JY at the top of the averages board. So it finished 9-3, six wins out of six, and having side-stepped the pate and onions on French bread, we managed and got back to Racks by 10pm - result.
Great god almighty is it that time again?? Monday afternoon, pool this evening! Quick check of the fixtures…da da da de da…(finger going across the page). There we go. Oh Lordy, it’s time to play against everyone’s favourite 80s pool cover band WHAM-SAD!
Ok, mail everyone
“WAMSDAD away. Meet at Racks if you like, I should be there about 7:30”.
Right, all I have to do is sit back, relax and wait for Brad to blow us out yet again…..sure enough, despite mailing me and saying how he would be there and having the front to call me a ‘butt monkey’, the inevitable 7:26pm SMS arrived:
“sorry mate working”.
********************
I’m just going to digress here for a moment so bear with me......Last week the football season kicked off with Sunderland playing Tottenham. SKY had been hyping up the premiership to all new levels of tackiness with the promise of excitement and thrilling action. Ultimately, the game turned out to be one of the worst in premiership history and if it wasn't for the last minute goal, it would have been an utter damp squib and a total waste of time watching. I’m starting to get that feeling about Brad Robinson’s eventual debut!
I wake up in a cold sweat at night in the middle of this reoccurring dream. We are playing Dom’s lot in the final. [please make this part come true – ED] Brad has sent me a text telling me he will be there in the second half. He then loses and it ends up 6-6. He begs me to let him play the decider and promises me he will make up for missing the season by winning the clincher. I give in and he clears up to leave a simple black over the bag. Just as he hits the white his boss rings him , the phone goes off in his pocket and Brad miscues topping the white in to lose the match.
It occupies my every waking minute……
********************
I get to Racks to cop the usual flak from the slack jawed yokels in the team about us only having five again. But my spirits are lifted when I see that Martin Smith has an advert on the noticeboard. He is offering ‘potting’ lessons at reasonable rates. The mind boggles. What’s next I wonder - how to have a good attendance by Brad Robinson? Don't let alcohol ruin your pool semi final at 6-5 down with Steve Cox??? Sandwiches - how to make the meal of kings by the Racks Bar staff ?? [I sense a whole article coming on here – ED]
Brad missing again but Leo is in ‘da house and he is in full effect (one for all you young homeys out there). He takes some convincing but finally agrees to make up the sixth player to add to the usual suspects and the return of ‘Grinder’ Greenwood.
Kevin offers him a lift down but Leo hasn't eaten yet and says he needs to stop off at McDonalds.
“MCDONALDS!!!”
Kevin freezes in his tracks like a gun dog hearing a duck quack at 400 yards. The shoulders are back, ears are pricked…he’s motionless…hmmmm McDonalds…
We snap him out of it and send him off with JY instead to save him from temptation.
It's the second half of the season and it’s time to kick the arse of PAMSDAD and stamp our authority on the section.
I’m useless [should there be a full stop here – ED] in the opener and get lucky when my opponent gives me two shots. I clear up to the black and attempt a double into the corner instead of the simple cut to clinch ‘Flair shot of the week’ but choke it and need to use the second visit. 1-0
Kevin is total budge! I’ve seen better frames round the pictures in a curry house. It is woeful and the current King of the Averages has blundered the lead away. The team gives him the slating he deserves but he has his revenge on me with the football card. I chuck in a pound and ask for Norwich and Plymouth but he writes down Celtic and Bolton as he tells me that I cant pick my nose at the moment. I don't need to tell you what happened…
“I thought you had taken Norwich” says the vocal local from WIGWAMSMAD as he walks off with the tenner that should have been mine!
JY goes on and is nothing short of awesome. They break and JY produces the dish of the summer season - fresh fruit, ice cream even the cherry on top. He went through his opponent so fast that we had to hose pieces of the guy from out of the grill of the JY-mobile that had just run over him.
‘Magic’ chalked up another W for 3-1, and two weeks at an intensive Spanish summer training camp paid off for Lee immediately afterwards. 4-1.
Game six, and Leo stepped up as the man with the 100% record and sat down ten minutes later as the man with the 80% record. At the break it was Racks Pack 4, HAMSALAD 2.
Leo then got back up to 84% with an excellent black to the centre. Kevin redeemed himself and his reputation and JY and Lee took their games without much fuss.
I ended up playing a woman who pleaded with me to make sure she got at least one shot. She broke, I potted three yellows, split the pack, managed to sink the black in the centre off two reds, shook her hand and sat down again - what a gentlemen! Racks Pack 8 LAMBSNADS 3.
It was left to ‘Magic’ to put up his double on the night and join JY at the top of the averages board. So it finished 9-3, six wins out of six, and having side-stepped the pate and onions on French bread, we managed and got back to Racks by 10pm - result.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Retraction
We recently published an article concerning the Maidenhead league match between Racks Pack and The Golden Cross. In the article it was reported that Mr John Farquar-Smythe Young saved himself from a "double doughnut" by winning in the second half of that match.
Since then we have been contacted by lawyers representing Mr Young who pointed out that, in fact, Mr Young won his first half game and thus was never in danger sealing the aforementioned "double doughnut".
Furthermore, Mr Young's lawyers asked us to point out that contrary to an earlier article that appeared on this site, Mr Young has stayed until the end of at least two matches this season.
http://www.rackspack.blogspot.com/ is happy to publish an apology to Mr Young, and wishes him all the best in his upcoming attempt to break the world record for the most swear words uttered in a single sentence.
Since then we have been contacted by lawyers representing Mr Young who pointed out that, in fact, Mr Young won his first half game and thus was never in danger sealing the aforementioned "double doughnut".
Furthermore, Mr Young's lawyers asked us to point out that contrary to an earlier article that appeared on this site, Mr Young has stayed until the end of at least two matches this season.
http://www.rackspack.blogspot.com/ is happy to publish an apology to Mr Young, and wishes him all the best in his upcoming attempt to break the world record for the most swear words uttered in a single sentence.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Week 5 Captains Report - Home versus Woodlands Park
Half way, half a team and still winning!!
I don't think I need to write this bumbling rubbish anymore. I’ve discovered that every weekly report starts with the same thing, but like a suburban swingers orgy there’s something warm and friendly about it all. So let me just clear my throat and start this weeks blog on our match with Woodlands Park …..urrhrgh urghhghh…[cough]…Ahem...
So we were going to have six players for the first time ever and I could finally relax for change. Or so I thought. The next thing I get a text message from Lee saying he can’t make it and we are down to five. Brad had rung me on the Sunday to tell me that he would be there and how it would be good to play again, but seeing as he was not in the building and it was 7:45 I was starting to have my doubts.
It’s a sorry state of affairs when Brad doesn't even bother making up some lie about picking up his boss – these days he just doesn't bother turning up. JY texted him about 8:30 to find out where he was and got the reply “somewhere outside hemel – was trying to get back but don't think I’ll make it”!
An emergency phone call went out to James Harness, who again showed superb commitment and even better parenting skills by agreeing to play a couple of frames for us while his daughter propped up the bar. A true Harness. As for the extra player we needed, well, why break the habits of a season by having someone on standby , we were just going to wing it and grab someone from the bar.
I kicked off proceedings and made it 1-0. Kev took out another good finish for 2-0. As the black went down James turned up to bail us out, but asked if he could play his matches as soon as possible. After JY ran away with his match for 3-0, everything was looking rosy.
*Whose frame is it anyway*
So now it was time for our now weekly round of “Whose Frame Is It Anyway”. I’m thinking of turning this into a regular blog competition that you can write in for. We’ll give away a prize if someone can guess the correct order in which we played our frames.
On the team sheet James was in sixth spot to give him plenty of time to get there. But with his daughter in tow, we moved his sixth frame up to fourth to get his first one in. He duly made it 4-0 with this weeks winner of ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’. Trying to get his frame over in the quickest possibly time he slammed everything. His opponent then decided to leave the white on the bottom cushion and the black on the top one to slow him down. This was sheer folly on his part as James was up out of the seat before the balls had stopped rolling and had smashed the double in while his opponent was still walking back to his team mates and talking about what a great safety he had played!
Because James wanted to go as quickly as possible (and who wouldn't after that double) we played his second half, position seven frame next. But he couldn't perform to his previous high-flair standard, lost, grabbed his daughter who had sat politely at the bar and left.
Then it was back to the original running order with frame four, where ‘Magic 105.4’ was hoping to carry on his good recent form. It wasn't to be. In fairness he was up against a talented player. The Woodlands Park guy had everything a great pool player needs - except any kind of decent positional sense, potting ability, tactical skills or decent cue action – in other words, he owned a cue! 4-2
While this was going on Kevin had been ‘circulating’ looking for this weeks mystery guest who would end up playing twice. In the best traditions of ‘The Reputation’ he came back with a woman on his arm. Anne-Marie Hamilton started the evening wondering if her boyfriend would get a game for the over subscribed team of Dom Taylor, and finished it playing for the under subscribed but vastly more talented and better looking Racks Pack. Complete with 6 month old child she became the latest debutant for the Racks Pack.
Truthful to her talents Anne-Marie told us that she couldn't break but could pot a bit. She proved the first part of that statement when she broke, dislodged a sole red from the front of the pack, and went in-off via the side cushion. The second part was in no danger of being disproved as the Woodlands Park player needed no second invitation and cleared up pretty quickly. 4-3 and with Anne having to play again in the second half our 100% record was looking in danger.
Now for all of you in the “Whose frame is it anyway” competition, you will remember that James had already played seventh, so Anne-Marie went straight back in at number eight. That makes this weeks winning numbers:
1 – 2 – 3 – 6 – 7 – 4 – 5 – 8 - 9 – 10 – 11 – 12
If you had those numbers be sure to contact us on the racks pack email address to collect your signed photo of ‘The Reputation’ in his one of his ‘ladies night’ shirts. Truly a thoughtful gift for that special lady in your life.
Back to the action, and with Anne-Marie having lost again the score was 4-4. We needed to win three of the final four frames to scrape a victory. We didn’t need me to play like a monopoly set that had half the pieces missing, but I got away with it. 5-4
JY was monstrous yet again, and after Kev and Neil both secured there second wins of the evening, the score looked far more comfortable than it was at 8-4.
So our 100% record is intact, and it’s 5 wins from 5 so far. Given the personnel problems we’ve had, it’s a miracle in itself.
*Half-time*
Having mocked Dom’s team (and rightly so) for having so many players, I took a role call of who we have used this season, and scarily enough it’s TEN.
Keith, Kevin, Neil, JY, Lee, Will (Graham), Justina, Anne-Marie, James, John Cornell and his wife Sharon.
So we’re ten-up, and that doesn't include Brad, who is bound to turn up in the last game of the season to ensure that he gets a trophy. This would help justify not only his reputation as ‘the most hated man in pool’ but also his new nickname ‘Mutley’. For those of you old enough to remember Mutley was Dick Dastardly’s dog in the “Stop the Pigeon” & “Wacky Races” cartoons, and would do anything for his boss if it meant that he would get a medal (“gimme gimme medal”)
To add an extra kick in the butt for our side [do you mean incentive – Ed] here is the current percentages (assuming I can add up properly) of the Racks Pack ‘proper’:
Keith 80% (8 from 10)
Neil 80% (8 from 10)
JY 80% (8 from 10)
Kev 83% (5 from 6)
Lee 50% (1 from 2)
Brad 0% (0 from 0)
Can you feel the love???
Facing four of our last five matches away from home is going to make it even more difficult (if that were possible) to drag in somebody to fill the inevitable gaps. But with five wins from five we can afford the odd slip up. I’ve no idea who is behind us in the league as the league website hasn't been updated for weeks. Come on chaps, if I can find an hour or two to write this dirge [It takes you over an hour to produce this filth? – Ed], then surely the scores can be put on weekly [as oppose to weakly – Ed]
*Coming Soon*
On a final note, your blog hosts K&K have been busy in the last few weeks, gathering thoughts, opinions and tips from the great and good of UK Pool, and no, I’m not just talking about Robert Uzzell. We are hoping to have our exclusive interviews with these luminaries of the modern game on the site pretty soon, and hopefully another mailbag as my sub-vice-zwitter-in-waiting-‘always the bridesmaid never the bride’-under-captain informs me that his sack is bulging and needs airing.
Ciao.
I don't think I need to write this bumbling rubbish anymore. I’ve discovered that every weekly report starts with the same thing, but like a suburban swingers orgy there’s something warm and friendly about it all. So let me just clear my throat and start this weeks blog on our match with Woodlands Park …..urrhrgh urghhghh…[cough]…Ahem...
So we were going to have six players for the first time ever and I could finally relax for change. Or so I thought. The next thing I get a text message from Lee saying he can’t make it and we are down to five. Brad had rung me on the Sunday to tell me that he would be there and how it would be good to play again, but seeing as he was not in the building and it was 7:45 I was starting to have my doubts.
It’s a sorry state of affairs when Brad doesn't even bother making up some lie about picking up his boss – these days he just doesn't bother turning up. JY texted him about 8:30 to find out where he was and got the reply “somewhere outside hemel – was trying to get back but don't think I’ll make it”!
An emergency phone call went out to James Harness, who again showed superb commitment and even better parenting skills by agreeing to play a couple of frames for us while his daughter propped up the bar. A true Harness. As for the extra player we needed, well, why break the habits of a season by having someone on standby , we were just going to wing it and grab someone from the bar.
I kicked off proceedings and made it 1-0. Kev took out another good finish for 2-0. As the black went down James turned up to bail us out, but asked if he could play his matches as soon as possible. After JY ran away with his match for 3-0, everything was looking rosy.
*Whose frame is it anyway*
So now it was time for our now weekly round of “Whose Frame Is It Anyway”. I’m thinking of turning this into a regular blog competition that you can write in for. We’ll give away a prize if someone can guess the correct order in which we played our frames.
On the team sheet James was in sixth spot to give him plenty of time to get there. But with his daughter in tow, we moved his sixth frame up to fourth to get his first one in. He duly made it 4-0 with this weeks winner of ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’. Trying to get his frame over in the quickest possibly time he slammed everything. His opponent then decided to leave the white on the bottom cushion and the black on the top one to slow him down. This was sheer folly on his part as James was up out of the seat before the balls had stopped rolling and had smashed the double in while his opponent was still walking back to his team mates and talking about what a great safety he had played!
Because James wanted to go as quickly as possible (and who wouldn't after that double) we played his second half, position seven frame next. But he couldn't perform to his previous high-flair standard, lost, grabbed his daughter who had sat politely at the bar and left.
Then it was back to the original running order with frame four, where ‘Magic 105.4’ was hoping to carry on his good recent form. It wasn't to be. In fairness he was up against a talented player. The Woodlands Park guy had everything a great pool player needs - except any kind of decent positional sense, potting ability, tactical skills or decent cue action – in other words, he owned a cue! 4-2
While this was going on Kevin had been ‘circulating’ looking for this weeks mystery guest who would end up playing twice. In the best traditions of ‘The Reputation’ he came back with a woman on his arm. Anne-Marie Hamilton started the evening wondering if her boyfriend would get a game for the over subscribed team of Dom Taylor, and finished it playing for the under subscribed but vastly more talented and better looking Racks Pack. Complete with 6 month old child she became the latest debutant for the Racks Pack.
Truthful to her talents Anne-Marie told us that she couldn't break but could pot a bit. She proved the first part of that statement when she broke, dislodged a sole red from the front of the pack, and went in-off via the side cushion. The second part was in no danger of being disproved as the Woodlands Park player needed no second invitation and cleared up pretty quickly. 4-3 and with Anne having to play again in the second half our 100% record was looking in danger.
Now for all of you in the “Whose frame is it anyway” competition, you will remember that James had already played seventh, so Anne-Marie went straight back in at number eight. That makes this weeks winning numbers:
1 – 2 – 3 – 6 – 7 – 4 – 5 – 8 - 9 – 10 – 11 – 12
If you had those numbers be sure to contact us on the racks pack email address to collect your signed photo of ‘The Reputation’ in his one of his ‘ladies night’ shirts. Truly a thoughtful gift for that special lady in your life.
Back to the action, and with Anne-Marie having lost again the score was 4-4. We needed to win three of the final four frames to scrape a victory. We didn’t need me to play like a monopoly set that had half the pieces missing, but I got away with it. 5-4
JY was monstrous yet again, and after Kev and Neil both secured there second wins of the evening, the score looked far more comfortable than it was at 8-4.
So our 100% record is intact, and it’s 5 wins from 5 so far. Given the personnel problems we’ve had, it’s a miracle in itself.
*Half-time*
Having mocked Dom’s team (and rightly so) for having so many players, I took a role call of who we have used this season, and scarily enough it’s TEN.
Keith, Kevin, Neil, JY, Lee, Will (Graham), Justina, Anne-Marie, James, John Cornell and his wife Sharon.
So we’re ten-up, and that doesn't include Brad, who is bound to turn up in the last game of the season to ensure that he gets a trophy. This would help justify not only his reputation as ‘the most hated man in pool’ but also his new nickname ‘Mutley’. For those of you old enough to remember Mutley was Dick Dastardly’s dog in the “Stop the Pigeon” & “Wacky Races” cartoons, and would do anything for his boss if it meant that he would get a medal (“gimme gimme medal”)
To add an extra kick in the butt for our side [do you mean incentive – Ed] here is the current percentages (assuming I can add up properly) of the Racks Pack ‘proper’:
Keith 80% (8 from 10)
Neil 80% (8 from 10)
JY 80% (8 from 10)
Kev 83% (5 from 6)
Lee 50% (1 from 2)
Brad 0% (0 from 0)
Can you feel the love???
Facing four of our last five matches away from home is going to make it even more difficult (if that were possible) to drag in somebody to fill the inevitable gaps. But with five wins from five we can afford the odd slip up. I’ve no idea who is behind us in the league as the league website hasn't been updated for weeks. Come on chaps, if I can find an hour or two to write this dirge [It takes you over an hour to produce this filth? – Ed], then surely the scores can be put on weekly [as oppose to weakly – Ed]
*Coming Soon*
On a final note, your blog hosts K&K have been busy in the last few weeks, gathering thoughts, opinions and tips from the great and good of UK Pool, and no, I’m not just talking about Robert Uzzell. We are hoping to have our exclusive interviews with these luminaries of the modern game on the site pretty soon, and hopefully another mailbag as my sub-vice-zwitter-in-waiting-‘always the bridesmaid never the bride’-under-captain informs me that his sack is bulging and needs airing.
Ciao.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Week 4 Captains Report - Home versus The Golden Cross
Una Cervaza Por Favour!
Despite knowing the hassle I've had, and despite having to help me through the pain-in-the-ass problems of scratching a side together every week, you would think my second in command would know better. But incredibly, after the usual Monday night slating of all the absent players, an email drops on my desk Thursday morning from the vice-sub-underling-by order of the royal garter-second in command, saying:
“by the way , forgot to tell you , Im on holiday next Monday and cant make it”
Terrific, here we go again.
I'm starting to think that there must be a pool team abroad that they are all playing for instead! I've got Kev in Spain, Lee still in Spain , Leo was in Spain last week and Brad is supposedly in Falaraki! Did we qualify for some sort of European UEFA cup of pool and no one told me about it? Have they all sloped off and are playing for the Thatched Cottage?
So off we go again on the phonecalls. Fortunately John ‘Crucial’ Cornell was available but not on time - he wasn't going to be there until nearly 9PM. Leo was going to be there around the same time once he had finished his dinner.
Of course we had our new signing, the all singing and all dancing James “he’s our hero” Harness. Doing the decent thing he abandoned his child to her grandparents in order to make Monday night pool (You other ‘holiday’ monkeys could learn a thing or two!).
So we had six!!! A round of applause please……
Neil and I got to Racks around 6:30pm and it was empty. We tried to get the middle table but the barman said “Sorry, Dom Taylor has pre-booked that for him and his team. You’ll have to take another one.”
“Cant you give it to us anyway, he’s not here and we wont tell him or his team.”
“I'm ON Doms team!”
Oh good grief!
8pm rolled around and we started our top of the table clash with the Golden Cross of Twyford. That catweazle fella who is always at their pub hadn’t made the journey.
We were off and running and I made short work of the first frame thanks to a nice split off the break. James took the second and JY raced through the third and we were 3-0 up. Unfortunately it was only 8:20 and Leo and ‘Crucial’ Cornell hadn’t appeared. We were in danger of Neil winning the next one too quickly and then having to forfeit two frames because of only having four players!! Unbelievable.
Some fine captaincy had to come into play. I hid one of the balls claiming that one was stuck in the table and Neil ran off to toilets saying that he needed a dump and that may be some time. Finally after ten minutes we either had to start the frame or they were going to call an ambulance for Neil as he was in there so long.
With only a few balls left it was looking dodgy but ‘Crucial’ arrived in the nick of time and Neil cracked in a superb long black to put us 4-0 up.
John went straight on and lost to ‘Flair shot of the week’ as, for the third time this season, one of our opponents somehow hit a trebled black into a corner pocket.
Meanwhile Leo had arrived and he went on to maintain his 100% record by not only winning his first frame , but going on early in the second half and taking that one as well. He wont be available next week as the Racks Pack are going to enter him instead in Chicago Rock Cafe's “Maidenhead's Got Talent” competition.
Back on the baize James “he's only half a hero now” Harness lost his frame but it set up ‘Crucial’ Cornell for the match winner and he made no mistake once his opponent made six of them.
JY saved himself from registering a double doughnut (0 0) by making it 8-2 and ‘Magic’ Cameron made it 9-2.
It was just left to me to make the score respectable, but there was never any danger of that from the moment I went in off on the break and handed it to them. In fairness to myself I did introduce “Larry the Launch” into my repertoire just to get the frame finished as quick as possible so we could carrying on drinking and playing on the free pool table!
9-3, top of the heap, kings of the hills, the top dogs, the head cheese, the numero uno honchos ….etc etc …
It was all finished by 9:40pm and while we played on we were able to watch the match on the other table between Dom's Racks side and Scott Oliver's Cookham Social Club. CSC came through a tight struggle to keep their hopes of qualifying alive. It was played in a fine spirit with handshakes all round at the end – that part of it took longer than the match itself by the time all of Doms team had a shake.
Next week we are at home to those giants of the game – Woodlands Park. Also, it's time to introduce the captain to a whole new experience – having six players available. Neil, Kev, JY, Brad, Lee and myself should all be there.
‘Should be’ but somehow I doubt it...
Despite knowing the hassle I've had, and despite having to help me through the pain-in-the-ass problems of scratching a side together every week, you would think my second in command would know better. But incredibly, after the usual Monday night slating of all the absent players, an email drops on my desk Thursday morning from the vice-sub-underling-by order of the royal garter-second in command, saying:
“by the way , forgot to tell you , Im on holiday next Monday and cant make it”
Terrific, here we go again.
I'm starting to think that there must be a pool team abroad that they are all playing for instead! I've got Kev in Spain, Lee still in Spain , Leo was in Spain last week and Brad is supposedly in Falaraki! Did we qualify for some sort of European UEFA cup of pool and no one told me about it? Have they all sloped off and are playing for the Thatched Cottage?
So off we go again on the phonecalls. Fortunately John ‘Crucial’ Cornell was available but not on time - he wasn't going to be there until nearly 9PM. Leo was going to be there around the same time once he had finished his dinner.
Of course we had our new signing, the all singing and all dancing James “he’s our hero” Harness. Doing the decent thing he abandoned his child to her grandparents in order to make Monday night pool (You other ‘holiday’ monkeys could learn a thing or two!).
So we had six!!! A round of applause please……
Neil and I got to Racks around 6:30pm and it was empty. We tried to get the middle table but the barman said “Sorry, Dom Taylor has pre-booked that for him and his team. You’ll have to take another one.”
“Cant you give it to us anyway, he’s not here and we wont tell him or his team.”
“I'm ON Doms team!”
Oh good grief!
8pm rolled around and we started our top of the table clash with the Golden Cross of Twyford. That catweazle fella who is always at their pub hadn’t made the journey.
We were off and running and I made short work of the first frame thanks to a nice split off the break. James took the second and JY raced through the third and we were 3-0 up. Unfortunately it was only 8:20 and Leo and ‘Crucial’ Cornell hadn’t appeared. We were in danger of Neil winning the next one too quickly and then having to forfeit two frames because of only having four players!! Unbelievable.
Some fine captaincy had to come into play. I hid one of the balls claiming that one was stuck in the table and Neil ran off to toilets saying that he needed a dump and that may be some time. Finally after ten minutes we either had to start the frame or they were going to call an ambulance for Neil as he was in there so long.
With only a few balls left it was looking dodgy but ‘Crucial’ arrived in the nick of time and Neil cracked in a superb long black to put us 4-0 up.
John went straight on and lost to ‘Flair shot of the week’ as, for the third time this season, one of our opponents somehow hit a trebled black into a corner pocket.
Meanwhile Leo had arrived and he went on to maintain his 100% record by not only winning his first frame , but going on early in the second half and taking that one as well. He wont be available next week as the Racks Pack are going to enter him instead in Chicago Rock Cafe's “Maidenhead's Got Talent” competition.
Back on the baize James “he's only half a hero now” Harness lost his frame but it set up ‘Crucial’ Cornell for the match winner and he made no mistake once his opponent made six of them.
JY saved himself from registering a double doughnut (0 0) by making it 8-2 and ‘Magic’ Cameron made it 9-2.
It was just left to me to make the score respectable, but there was never any danger of that from the moment I went in off on the break and handed it to them. In fairness to myself I did introduce “Larry the Launch” into my repertoire just to get the frame finished as quick as possible so we could carrying on drinking and playing on the free pool table!
9-3, top of the heap, kings of the hills, the top dogs, the head cheese, the numero uno honchos ….etc etc …
It was all finished by 9:40pm and while we played on we were able to watch the match on the other table between Dom's Racks side and Scott Oliver's Cookham Social Club. CSC came through a tight struggle to keep their hopes of qualifying alive. It was played in a fine spirit with handshakes all round at the end – that part of it took longer than the match itself by the time all of Doms team had a shake.
Next week we are at home to those giants of the game – Woodlands Park. Also, it's time to introduce the captain to a whole new experience – having six players available. Neil, Kev, JY, Brad, Lee and myself should all be there.
‘Should be’ but somehow I doubt it...
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Dear Racks Pack...
As avid and regular readers [should that be a plural - ed] of the racks packs blogspot you'll know that we have recently started our racks pack mailbox. In case you need reminding, the address is rackspack@hotmail.co.uk.
To say that we have been impressed with the response would be a lie. However we are men true to our word, and thus today we open up the racks mailbox, rummage around inside, and see what gems you, the rackspack reading public, have come up with.
********
Dear Racks Pack,
I have a ‘friend’ who has been taking a lot of stick from his pool team because he hasn't made any of the matches so far. However he has just found out that the vice-captain-understudy-commander-in-waiting failed to tell his team members he is on holiday next week and has left the team in the lurch (yet again).
Should my friend give the vice captain a good kicking for being a two faced buttmonkey or should he say nothing as his own track record is hardly something to shout about??
Radley Bobbinson, Beaconsfield.
********
Well Radley, this is indeed an intriguing question. You admit that your friend hasn't bothered to turn up for any matches, which in itself is a disgrace. But when your sub-captain-second lieutenant- grand order of the buffalo-in-waiting then mails you on a Thursday saying “by the way I forgot I'm on holiday next week with the missus” then I think slapping him about a bit is the least he can expect. Crack on in my opinion
********
Dear Racks Pack,
I have more men under me than the Grand Old Duke of York!! For some reason I signed up everyone in my local snooker club, and trying to keep all forty two of them happy in a 12 frame a week pool league is proving difficult. Maybe I shouldn't have nicked a player from one of the other sides playing from our venue. I honestly think the team is multiplying like some bizarre scientific experiment. It's worse than Mickey Mouse and the broomstick in Fantasia !!
What can I do ???????
Tom Taylor, Maidenhead
********
Tom, (if that is your real name), I'm afraid you have been hoisted by your own petard! At least it helps spread the payments for the sandwiches, our team are paying almost £3 each now just to cover it as we only have four players each week!
********
Dear Rack Pack,
Hey Racks pack – great tipping by Neil ‘Magic 105.4’ Cameron on the golf. Garcia was unlucky but at 40-1 was a great pick. This guy should have his own website in my opinion and you lot should be paying him - not only for the information but for his winning appearances every week for your team of two-bit half-baked has-beens.
Mrs Lucy Cameron, Reading.
********
Lucy, it was indeed an excellent pick. Lets hope a few people got on and made a bit of cash. Look out for a football preview in the future. By the way, did you know that you have exactly the same name as ‘Magics’ wife ?
********
Dear Racks Pack,
you lot are the biggest bunch of prix I have ever met. I would punch you all out but I don't want my hands to touch your ugly faces.
Anon
********
You know where we are if you fancy spending the remainder of the summer sucking hospital food through a straw you half-wit!
********
Dear Racks Pack,
I'm a long time reader but first time caller. I watched Keith Walls play at the World Masters at Blackpool this year, and he has the finest miscue-cum-scuffed drag shot I have ever seen. How many years has it taken him to perfect such a bad cue action and has he ever got it right?”
Kris Melling
********
Kris, quite simply the answers are 16 years and ‘No’ he has never got it right.
********
Dear Racks Pack,
I cant believe this!!! I sent my mail yesterday, came home after work and found another three players hiding in my downstairs toilet!!! This is getting beyond a joke!
Tom Taylor
********
Dear Racks Pack,
Guys take me back!! Im sorry for running out on you but I didn't realise how desperate you are for players, and how, when my team captain promised me regular games, he meant once a month!
Andy ‘turncoat’ Tredwell
********
We are not that desperate you Judas !
********
Dear Racks Pack,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…I offered to come and play for you, neigh, begged to come and play but you said ‘no we have enough players’. Now whose laughing HA HA HA HA!! If anyone else drops out you wont have enough to even provide your own referees ha ha ha ha ha ha…….
D Bartlett (Noctors Captain with lots of players at his disposal)
********
What can I say, we are paying the price for such woeful recruitment strategy. I can only apologies to all those who asked to play but were blown out like cheap wedding confetti.
********
Dear Racks Pack,
Racks – keep a stiff upperlip – if anyone can pull it off, it's you Coach Walls, you're the greatest!!
Kelvin Switham
********
Thanks Kelvin , that's a real boost.
********
Dear Racks Pack,
Kevin ‘the slugger’ is the greatest second since Angelo Dundee, simply fabulous. If I could hug him in public I would
K. Wells, Langley
********
Thank you for the feedback Mr Wells. I'll pass on your comments
********
Dear Racks Pack,
I don't believe this , Ive just found another guy in the bread bin , where are they coming from?????????”
Tom Taylor
********
*Toms email address has subsequently been added to our spam filters*
********
Dear Racks Pack,
Rock bottom prices for your rock! Be the best lover immediatly! Reply to receive details of this exclusive offer!!!
Andreas C. Haveahardon
********
Thank you very much for your kind offer Andreas, but this team of roving reporters needs no help in the department! Besides, the reply you received from us was by accident and we didn't mean to send it...
********
Well, that's it for this weeks mailbag. We will open it again very soon - once we have defused all the virtual letter bombs and removed the hate mail.
Yours in pool,
K&K.
To say that we have been impressed with the response would be a lie. However we are men true to our word, and thus today we open up the racks mailbox, rummage around inside, and see what gems you, the rackspack reading public, have come up with.
********
Dear Racks Pack,
I have a ‘friend’ who has been taking a lot of stick from his pool team because he hasn't made any of the matches so far. However he has just found out that the vice-captain-understudy-commander-in-waiting failed to tell his team members he is on holiday next week and has left the team in the lurch (yet again).
Should my friend give the vice captain a good kicking for being a two faced buttmonkey or should he say nothing as his own track record is hardly something to shout about??
Radley Bobbinson, Beaconsfield.
********
Well Radley, this is indeed an intriguing question. You admit that your friend hasn't bothered to turn up for any matches, which in itself is a disgrace. But when your sub-captain-second lieutenant- grand order of the buffalo-in-waiting then mails you on a Thursday saying “by the way I forgot I'm on holiday next week with the missus” then I think slapping him about a bit is the least he can expect. Crack on in my opinion
********
Dear Racks Pack,
I have more men under me than the Grand Old Duke of York!! For some reason I signed up everyone in my local snooker club, and trying to keep all forty two of them happy in a 12 frame a week pool league is proving difficult. Maybe I shouldn't have nicked a player from one of the other sides playing from our venue. I honestly think the team is multiplying like some bizarre scientific experiment. It's worse than Mickey Mouse and the broomstick in Fantasia !!
What can I do ???????
Tom Taylor, Maidenhead
********
Tom, (if that is your real name), I'm afraid you have been hoisted by your own petard! At least it helps spread the payments for the sandwiches, our team are paying almost £3 each now just to cover it as we only have four players each week!
********
Dear Rack Pack,
Hey Racks pack – great tipping by Neil ‘Magic 105.4’ Cameron on the golf. Garcia was unlucky but at 40-1 was a great pick. This guy should have his own website in my opinion and you lot should be paying him - not only for the information but for his winning appearances every week for your team of two-bit half-baked has-beens.
Mrs Lucy Cameron, Reading.
********
Lucy, it was indeed an excellent pick. Lets hope a few people got on and made a bit of cash. Look out for a football preview in the future. By the way, did you know that you have exactly the same name as ‘Magics’ wife ?
********
Dear Racks Pack,
you lot are the biggest bunch of prix I have ever met. I would punch you all out but I don't want my hands to touch your ugly faces.
Anon
********
You know where we are if you fancy spending the remainder of the summer sucking hospital food through a straw you half-wit!
********
Dear Racks Pack,
I'm a long time reader but first time caller. I watched Keith Walls play at the World Masters at Blackpool this year, and he has the finest miscue-cum-scuffed drag shot I have ever seen. How many years has it taken him to perfect such a bad cue action and has he ever got it right?”
Kris Melling
********
Kris, quite simply the answers are 16 years and ‘No’ he has never got it right.
********
Dear Racks Pack,
I cant believe this!!! I sent my mail yesterday, came home after work and found another three players hiding in my downstairs toilet!!! This is getting beyond a joke!
Tom Taylor
********
Dear Racks Pack,
Guys take me back!! Im sorry for running out on you but I didn't realise how desperate you are for players, and how, when my team captain promised me regular games, he meant once a month!
Andy ‘turncoat’ Tredwell
********
We are not that desperate you Judas !
********
Dear Racks Pack,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…I offered to come and play for you, neigh, begged to come and play but you said ‘no we have enough players’. Now whose laughing HA HA HA HA!! If anyone else drops out you wont have enough to even provide your own referees ha ha ha ha ha ha…….
D Bartlett (Noctors Captain with lots of players at his disposal)
********
What can I say, we are paying the price for such woeful recruitment strategy. I can only apologies to all those who asked to play but were blown out like cheap wedding confetti.
********
Dear Racks Pack,
Racks – keep a stiff upperlip – if anyone can pull it off, it's you Coach Walls, you're the greatest!!
Kelvin Switham
********
Thanks Kelvin , that's a real boost.
********
Dear Racks Pack,
Kevin ‘the slugger’ is the greatest second since Angelo Dundee, simply fabulous. If I could hug him in public I would
K. Wells, Langley
********
Thank you for the feedback Mr Wells. I'll pass on your comments
********
Dear Racks Pack,
I don't believe this , Ive just found another guy in the bread bin , where are they coming from?????????”
Tom Taylor
********
*Toms email address has subsequently been added to our spam filters*
********
Dear Racks Pack,
Rock bottom prices for your rock! Be the best lover immediatly! Reply to receive details of this exclusive offer!!!
Andreas C. Haveahardon
********
Thank you very much for your kind offer Andreas, but this team of roving reporters needs no help in the department! Besides, the reply you received from us was by accident and we didn't mean to send it...
********
Well, that's it for this weeks mailbag. We will open it again very soon - once we have defused all the virtual letter bombs and removed the hate mail.
Yours in pool,
K&K.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Week 3 Captain's Report - Away versus NMCC
Man Down Man Down!
or, why fourplay is better than six.
History is littered with tales of triumph over adversity - those moments in time where individuals rise up to become a greater force than the sum of their parts. You can’t help but be moved by any of the following:
The Charge of the Light Brigade - 600 men ride into battle against 6000 during the Battle of Balaclava.
Napoleans defeat by the British-led Wellington at Waterloo.
The Battle of Britain - where the inexperienced pilots of the allied forces outgunned the German Luftwaffe.
That Chinese fella who stood in front of the tank in Tianemen Square.
And of course, who can forget the ten men of Ireland beating Holland 1-0 to put them out of the 2002 World Cup qualifiers?? [Note from the editor – are you sure that wasn't one of your wet dreams Keith?]
Well finally there’s another one to add to that list, because in years to come old hippies will gather wherever stories of days gone-by are told, and raise the question - "did you ever hear the tale of how the Racks Pack won a pool match 7-5 with only four players?"
I know what you’re thinking, it must be a typo or maybe the team has been licking toads again. Perhaps Kevin, (my understudy-vice chairman-sub-captain in waiting) hasn't edited this weeks report properly because there is no way they could have won 7-5 with only FOUR men. Well, I’m afraid you have read it right and it did happen.
Things started off in the normal way - which basically means we were scrambling for players. Lee’s replacement Darryl failed to make it for the second time. John 'late notice' Cornell couldn't live up to his nickname as he was working, and as usual Brad threw in the "I cant make it - working" text message at 7:30pm. So despite the return of Kevin 'the slugger' Southam, it was business as usual with just him, JY, Neil and myself attempting to steer the good ship “Racks Pack” through another Monday night of stormy waters.
Thanks to another 45 minutes of ringing around, by 7:55 my mobile phone bill had gone through the roof for the second consecutive week. JY and I have tapped up more players than a Chelsea scout in the last few weeks. The scruples we had maintained the previous week in respect of who were begged to play for us were disregarded as the gloves came off and we tried everyone. Best excuses were probably:
"Leo, it’s Keith. Can you get to Racks tonight to play pool for us"
"I’m standing at a baggage carousel in an airport in Southern Spain"
"So that's a no then ?"
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…………
And the classic:
"Shall we try Danny Rajput"
"I don't think he will make it. He had a heart attack three weeks ago."
"Yeah but he's out now isn’t he and it wont affect his pool arm - ring him."
So after fighting our way through the 27 players Dom “poacher” Taylor has signed up for his team, we finally left Racks with only four players and headed for North Maidenhead Cricket Club.
First thing I did on our arrival was to apologise to their captain (which is also becoming a regular part of Monday nights). With us having four players it meant that two of their players wouldn't have a match in the first half and then another two would miss the second half.
Having rode the flak from Neil '105.4' Cameron about my nincompoopery in trying to get a side every week, I stressed that I wanted nothing less that maximum effort from all concerned.
Leading from the front I went on first, won my frame and set the standard to follow. 4-1 down after one frame was new ground even by our shoddy standards. It was vital we made the most of the first four frames but Kevin had other ideas and decided that a four frame start for NMCC wasn't enough, and promptly lost to Jonny Hague. Unfortunate to snooker himself on the black, it led to some cat and mouse stuff for ten minutes before Jonny finished it off. 5-1
JY made it 5-2 when Jim 'Pretty Boy' Floyd went in off a yellow leaving JY two on the black and when Tracey Dawkins potted the black four reds to early against Neil it was 5-3 at the break.
Only having four players helped remove the tricky team selection issue for the second half and we went out in the same order. I beat Stefan Bond who probably should have cleared from the break. Kevin 'the redeemer' Southam pulled out a mighty finish for 5-5 and suddenly it was game on!!
JY's excellent clearance attempt stuttered on the black, but he then produced shot of the night and “Pointless Flair Shot of the Week” when he slammed in a double on the black rather than just cut it into the middle.
So it all came down to ' 105.4'. Last week he played to put us 6-5 up and left me with the task of stealing the glory; this week it was on his shoulders to seal the unlikeliest of victories. His opponent broke and potted three off the break - the dish was there for 6-6. All he had to do was hold himself together. But, a la Sergio Garcia at the open, he failed, and with the win in sight he lost position, handing Neil the initiative and the chance to steal the frame. Two visits later and ‘105.4', eyeing up his final yellow, lived up to his nickname and produced a ‘magic’ pot, screwing off it majestically to leave a straight black in the centre. In it went for 7-5. Move over Wellington!
Incredible scenes of jubilation followed. JY and I attempted a Mexican wave, and even the boxer dog running around the club seemed overwhelmed by the sheer scale of what we had achieved. We signed some autographs (or result cards, I can’t remember exactly) and headed back to Racks to celebrate with a couple of soda waters.
Hopefully this will be the last week of this farce. Brad 'the most hated man in pool when he can be bothered to turn up' Robinson is in Falaraki next week so at least we have some notice this time of his absence. [note from the editor - comments previously attributed to this blog regarding Mr B Robinson have been removed at the request of his lawyers. This blog wishes to express that it has nothing but the utmost respect from Mr Robinson, and has full respect for his human rights. Abuse of transexuals is something this website abhors, and we would like to wish Mr Robinsons speedy recovery from the operation.]
*Latest news*
Vice-under-committee-sub-captain-in-waiting Kevin and myself have scheduled a press conference for later this week. We will be revealing a new signing to Racks Pack, a player of such stature – literally – his signing will rock the league. His contract negotiations have proved tortuous though, making the Carlos Tevez deal look like a Panini sticker swap. And so, subject to our mystery player passing a medical, we will have five players minimum for the all important top of the table clash with the Golden Cross at Racks next week. If we can just 'borrow' someone else we might make six.
If anyone fancies applying for the job and doesn't mind getting dropped once we have our six players back, then don't forget the blog address: rackspack@hotmail.co.uk.
Happy cueing.
or, why fourplay is better than six.
History is littered with tales of triumph over adversity - those moments in time where individuals rise up to become a greater force than the sum of their parts. You can’t help but be moved by any of the following:
The Charge of the Light Brigade - 600 men ride into battle against 6000 during the Battle of Balaclava.
Napoleans defeat by the British-led Wellington at Waterloo.
The Battle of Britain - where the inexperienced pilots of the allied forces outgunned the German Luftwaffe.
That Chinese fella who stood in front of the tank in Tianemen Square.
And of course, who can forget the ten men of Ireland beating Holland 1-0 to put them out of the 2002 World Cup qualifiers?? [Note from the editor – are you sure that wasn't one of your wet dreams Keith?]
Well finally there’s another one to add to that list, because in years to come old hippies will gather wherever stories of days gone-by are told, and raise the question - "did you ever hear the tale of how the Racks Pack won a pool match 7-5 with only four players?"
I know what you’re thinking, it must be a typo or maybe the team has been licking toads again. Perhaps Kevin, (my understudy-vice chairman-sub-captain in waiting) hasn't edited this weeks report properly because there is no way they could have won 7-5 with only FOUR men. Well, I’m afraid you have read it right and it did happen.
Things started off in the normal way - which basically means we were scrambling for players. Lee’s replacement Darryl failed to make it for the second time. John 'late notice' Cornell couldn't live up to his nickname as he was working, and as usual Brad threw in the "I cant make it - working" text message at 7:30pm. So despite the return of Kevin 'the slugger' Southam, it was business as usual with just him, JY, Neil and myself attempting to steer the good ship “Racks Pack” through another Monday night of stormy waters.
Thanks to another 45 minutes of ringing around, by 7:55 my mobile phone bill had gone through the roof for the second consecutive week. JY and I have tapped up more players than a Chelsea scout in the last few weeks. The scruples we had maintained the previous week in respect of who were begged to play for us were disregarded as the gloves came off and we tried everyone. Best excuses were probably:
"Leo, it’s Keith. Can you get to Racks tonight to play pool for us"
"I’m standing at a baggage carousel in an airport in Southern Spain"
"So that's a no then ?"
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…………
And the classic:
"Shall we try Danny Rajput"
"I don't think he will make it. He had a heart attack three weeks ago."
"Yeah but he's out now isn’t he and it wont affect his pool arm - ring him."
So after fighting our way through the 27 players Dom “poacher” Taylor has signed up for his team, we finally left Racks with only four players and headed for North Maidenhead Cricket Club.
First thing I did on our arrival was to apologise to their captain (which is also becoming a regular part of Monday nights). With us having four players it meant that two of their players wouldn't have a match in the first half and then another two would miss the second half.
Having rode the flak from Neil '105.4' Cameron about my nincompoopery in trying to get a side every week, I stressed that I wanted nothing less that maximum effort from all concerned.
Leading from the front I went on first, won my frame and set the standard to follow. 4-1 down after one frame was new ground even by our shoddy standards. It was vital we made the most of the first four frames but Kevin had other ideas and decided that a four frame start for NMCC wasn't enough, and promptly lost to Jonny Hague. Unfortunate to snooker himself on the black, it led to some cat and mouse stuff for ten minutes before Jonny finished it off. 5-1
JY made it 5-2 when Jim 'Pretty Boy' Floyd went in off a yellow leaving JY two on the black and when Tracey Dawkins potted the black four reds to early against Neil it was 5-3 at the break.
Only having four players helped remove the tricky team selection issue for the second half and we went out in the same order. I beat Stefan Bond who probably should have cleared from the break. Kevin 'the redeemer' Southam pulled out a mighty finish for 5-5 and suddenly it was game on!!
JY's excellent clearance attempt stuttered on the black, but he then produced shot of the night and “Pointless Flair Shot of the Week” when he slammed in a double on the black rather than just cut it into the middle.
So it all came down to ' 105.4'. Last week he played to put us 6-5 up and left me with the task of stealing the glory; this week it was on his shoulders to seal the unlikeliest of victories. His opponent broke and potted three off the break - the dish was there for 6-6. All he had to do was hold himself together. But, a la Sergio Garcia at the open, he failed, and with the win in sight he lost position, handing Neil the initiative and the chance to steal the frame. Two visits later and ‘105.4', eyeing up his final yellow, lived up to his nickname and produced a ‘magic’ pot, screwing off it majestically to leave a straight black in the centre. In it went for 7-5. Move over Wellington!
Incredible scenes of jubilation followed. JY and I attempted a Mexican wave, and even the boxer dog running around the club seemed overwhelmed by the sheer scale of what we had achieved. We signed some autographs (or result cards, I can’t remember exactly) and headed back to Racks to celebrate with a couple of soda waters.
Hopefully this will be the last week of this farce. Brad 'the most hated man in pool when he can be bothered to turn up' Robinson is in Falaraki next week so at least we have some notice this time of his absence. [note from the editor - comments previously attributed to this blog regarding Mr B Robinson have been removed at the request of his lawyers. This blog wishes to express that it has nothing but the utmost respect from Mr Robinson, and has full respect for his human rights. Abuse of transexuals is something this website abhors, and we would like to wish Mr Robinsons speedy recovery from the operation.]
*Latest news*
Vice-under-committee-sub-captain-in-waiting Kevin and myself have scheduled a press conference for later this week. We will be revealing a new signing to Racks Pack, a player of such stature – literally – his signing will rock the league. His contract negotiations have proved tortuous though, making the Carlos Tevez deal look like a Panini sticker swap. And so, subject to our mystery player passing a medical, we will have five players minimum for the all important top of the table clash with the Golden Cross at Racks next week. If we can just 'borrow' someone else we might make six.
If anyone fancies applying for the job and doesn't mind getting dropped once we have our six players back, then don't forget the blog address: rackspack@hotmail.co.uk.
Happy cueing.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Racks Pack *BREAKING NEWS*
Hints? Tips? Commentary? Analysis? Nothing better to do?
The Racks Pack now have an email address so you can contact them.
rackspack@hotmail.co.uk
We'll be opening the mail next week and hope to bring you some of our favourite letters.
*PLUS*
Coming soon, your intrepid reporters bring you their interviews with some of the giants of the modern game - Keith Brewer, Lee Kendall, Chris Melling and more!! All this on your friendy neighbourhood blogspot rackspack.blogspot.com.
K&K
The Racks Pack now have an email address so you can contact them.
rackspack@hotmail.co.uk
We'll be opening the mail next week and hope to bring you some of our favourite letters.
*PLUS*
Coming soon, your intrepid reporters bring you their interviews with some of the giants of the modern game - Keith Brewer, Lee Kendall, Chris Melling and more!! All this on your friendy neighbourhood blogspot rackspack.blogspot.com.
K&K
Week 2 Captain's Report - Home versus Grenfell Rats
Greeting from Australia!
This reporter's commitment knows no limits, and despite an urgent assignment on the far side of the earth, I bring you the latest pool report from Captain Walls.
CAPTAINS REPORT
Keith Walls
BAD WILL HUNTING (or Swanny, Swanny, wherefore art thou Swanny?)
I knew we were in for a rough night when I picked up the first message on my mobile Monday morning. My cunning plan of only using six players in the season and filling in as and when needed had not been received well in all quarters but I had reassured everyone that it wouldn't be a problem. This Monday was going to be the biggest test as Lee and 26 of his closest friends and family members were in Spain for the next three weeks and my vice-under-sub-committee captain Kevin was in Australia for a week. Still, I had it under control as Neil, JY , myself and Brad were available and Lees mate Daryl had offered to cover for him so that was five and of course Leo had said he would make up the six.
First signs that all was not going according to plan was when Daryl sent me a text message to say he wouldn't make it. But its not a big deal as that still leaves five of us and we can nick someone from Racks as we are at home.
So I amble up to Racks at 6:30 have a beer and start looking for an extra player. Neil arrives along with JY and all I need now is Leo and Brad. Another text message later and Brad tells me he wont make it until 8:45pm. That's ok , we will put him on sixth.
Come 8pm and there is no sign of Leo. Treddy calls him and finds out that he cant make it so now I'm worried. It leaves us with four players but seeing how Racks is packed at the moment I can confidently expect to nab another two players. That's until I discover that everyone in the place is playing for Dom Taylors team ! He has about 12 players lined up against the far wall like the dirty dozen on parade and none of them are eligible for us ! The Grenfell turn up expecting to start but instead we are scrambling to fill in the gaps. In the end the only options we have is to play Justina and Hannah the bar staff. The card now looks like this :
Justina
Neil
Keith
JY
*blank*
Brad
Justina does her level best and is desperately unlucky to lose on the black when her opponent hits one of those “gone for the double and landed the treble” shots. Its 0-1 but Im confident that the four of us can nick 7 frames for the win. That's until I get another message from Brad “Wont make it, got to take boss to Watford – good luck”
Oh crap.
Justina then tells us she has to go and can't play in the second half, and Hannah can't play because she is the only staff available. The card now looks like this
Justina - Lost
Neil
Keith
JY
*blank*
*blank*
Now totally desperate for players JY and I start ringing everyone we can think of whether they can play pool or not. I call work colleagues and even other teams looking for some help. In some cases I get whats coming to me, especially when I ring Shaun Tufnell who was looking for a team only a few days ago. I leave him a message to call me and he rings back to say that he has just played his first frame for the Pond House so cant play. He even drops in the ‘I thought you didn't need anyone anyway’ and I'm forced to eat humble pie. Dave Bartlett gives me the same response in between laughter as I explain how we have three players plus Justina and its 8.30pm. We even considered calling Andy Brant at one point but there's only so low you can stoop. Oh why oh why didn't we keep hold of Mark ‘budgemeister’ Swan. Always reliable and there every week come rain or shine but lost in the winter separation of wheat and chaff!!
Finally John gets hold of some guy in his 50s called John Cornell and his wife Sharon who he hasn't seen in about four years that live in Langley. He convinces them to drive all the way from Langley to Racks to bail us out. But its now 8:45pm and they wont make it until 9:30pm.
Meanwhile on the baize Neil wins his game and I go on to beat Alfie Blackman for a 2-1 lead. JY then slows down almost to a standstill trying to kill time before the Cornell family arrive. It was like when you tell him its his round at the bar. I swear if it wasn't for the rotation of the earth he wouldn't have been moving at all. He has two reds over the pocket but taps into them for every shot as we wait for the arrivals. Unfortunately there was no more tapping left to do and John had to finish off the frame for 3-1. Enter Will Graham……
Poor Will. Turned up at Racks with his mate for a quiet game of pool and ended up getting harassed by me into playing the fifth frame. Didn't know me from Adam, although if I had known an Adam as well I would have had six players. Will didn't look too happy about it but I tried to sweeten the deal by promising him some beer. We shoved him into trap 5 despite him not knowing the rules or little else. I figured as long as he wasn't getting tucked up all the time he would be OK. But Richard Meadows of the Grenfell spotted the ‘fall guy’ and tucked him silly. In fact Richard opened up a full box of Quality Fudge Assortment as he played numerous deliberate fouls and tuck ups until Will lost the plot and in frustration smashed the white ball and anything else in his path off the table and out the fire exit door! Richard cleared up and made it 3-2 to us.
Thankfully while we picked balls up off the floor the Cornell family arrived in the nick of time. Bypassing the introductions, JY gave Mr Cornell a two minute crash course in the pool rules and a miracle occurred as he won his frame for a 4-2 lead !!!
Suddenly it was game on. As long as JY, Neil and I won in the second half we could nick a victory. So I filled out the sheet for the second half and realised that we had to go back to Will and beg him to play another frame because I forgot that Justina had left ! Will, who was still fuming about having his Monday night out mucked up, wasn't keen on playing again.
“Don't worry” I said , “you wont have a frame like that one again, you were just unlucky to play their best player”.
I sounded assuring and finally Will succumbed to the pressure and agreed to play. I managed to drag him to the table where he lost the toss to guess who…Richard Meadows! Will, in fairness to him, did a good job of holding back because he looked like he was going to bust me open with the first thing he could get hold off. I tried to calm him down by making good on my promise of beer and asked Hannah for a couple of pints of Stella for him and his mate. The first pint didn't even make it to half full before it spat, gurgled and ran dry.
“Stella's run out Keith”
Will stared me down from across the room as I sheepishly announced
“Four-X instead Will ???”
Richard was nobody's fool in the frame and must have arrived at Racks packing more fudge than a Robbie Williams tour bus because from the word go he was at it again. Finally he knocked in the black to pull the score back to 4-3 and Will sulked off to his mate. Horrible night.
On went the Cornell family. First John turned the match on its head by winning his second frame of the night to put us 5-3 up but then his wife lost an all female battle to Katie Gourd and it was 5-4. Katie walked away with ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’ when she slammed in a double on her final red rather than roll it down the cushion.
We just needed two more and with JY up next things were looking up for the first time all day. But to keep the excitement at fever pitch JY goofed up against Albie Blackman and left us needing the last two frames. 5-5
Neil then had a stormer, potting a very tricky black into the middle when a miss would have cost us the match. Two good frames on the night and both of them crucial considering the state of the team. 6-5.
So the final frame came down to me. I had something to prove seeing as it was partly my fault for the mess we were in. Luckily the pool gods smiled down on me and I broke and dished to snatch a 7-5 win and we somehow got the points.
Apart from the hassle, beer running out and constant phone calls trying to patch up a side it was an entertaining match. My gratitude goes out to Richard of the Grenfell who was very tolerant as I kept snatching the result cards off him every five minutes to change the order and the personnel. He could have spat the dummy about it but was kind enough to let it go without complaint. He deserved to win both his frames on the night just for that reason alone.
Thank goodness for Neil winning twice to support my two frames, and kudos to the star of the show who was John “late notice” Cornell. Two out of two on the night to get us the win, he left the building with Sharon and shouted out:
“by the way if you need us next week, try and let us know a bit earlier yeah ?”
Wise words indeed.
K&K
This reporter's commitment knows no limits, and despite an urgent assignment on the far side of the earth, I bring you the latest pool report from Captain Walls.
CAPTAINS REPORT
Keith Walls
BAD WILL HUNTING (or Swanny, Swanny, wherefore art thou Swanny?)
I knew we were in for a rough night when I picked up the first message on my mobile Monday morning. My cunning plan of only using six players in the season and filling in as and when needed had not been received well in all quarters but I had reassured everyone that it wouldn't be a problem. This Monday was going to be the biggest test as Lee and 26 of his closest friends and family members were in Spain for the next three weeks and my vice-under-sub-committee captain Kevin was in Australia for a week. Still, I had it under control as Neil, JY , myself and Brad were available and Lees mate Daryl had offered to cover for him so that was five and of course Leo had said he would make up the six.
First signs that all was not going according to plan was when Daryl sent me a text message to say he wouldn't make it. But its not a big deal as that still leaves five of us and we can nick someone from Racks as we are at home.
So I amble up to Racks at 6:30 have a beer and start looking for an extra player. Neil arrives along with JY and all I need now is Leo and Brad. Another text message later and Brad tells me he wont make it until 8:45pm. That's ok , we will put him on sixth.
Come 8pm and there is no sign of Leo. Treddy calls him and finds out that he cant make it so now I'm worried. It leaves us with four players but seeing how Racks is packed at the moment I can confidently expect to nab another two players. That's until I discover that everyone in the place is playing for Dom Taylors team ! He has about 12 players lined up against the far wall like the dirty dozen on parade and none of them are eligible for us ! The Grenfell turn up expecting to start but instead we are scrambling to fill in the gaps. In the end the only options we have is to play Justina and Hannah the bar staff. The card now looks like this :
Justina
Neil
Keith
JY
*blank*
Brad
Justina does her level best and is desperately unlucky to lose on the black when her opponent hits one of those “gone for the double and landed the treble” shots. Its 0-1 but Im confident that the four of us can nick 7 frames for the win. That's until I get another message from Brad “Wont make it, got to take boss to Watford – good luck”
Oh crap.
Justina then tells us she has to go and can't play in the second half, and Hannah can't play because she is the only staff available. The card now looks like this
Justina - Lost
Neil
Keith
JY
*blank*
*blank*
Now totally desperate for players JY and I start ringing everyone we can think of whether they can play pool or not. I call work colleagues and even other teams looking for some help. In some cases I get whats coming to me, especially when I ring Shaun Tufnell who was looking for a team only a few days ago. I leave him a message to call me and he rings back to say that he has just played his first frame for the Pond House so cant play. He even drops in the ‘I thought you didn't need anyone anyway’ and I'm forced to eat humble pie. Dave Bartlett gives me the same response in between laughter as I explain how we have three players plus Justina and its 8.30pm. We even considered calling Andy Brant at one point but there's only so low you can stoop. Oh why oh why didn't we keep hold of Mark ‘budgemeister’ Swan. Always reliable and there every week come rain or shine but lost in the winter separation of wheat and chaff!!
Finally John gets hold of some guy in his 50s called John Cornell and his wife Sharon who he hasn't seen in about four years that live in Langley. He convinces them to drive all the way from Langley to Racks to bail us out. But its now 8:45pm and they wont make it until 9:30pm.
Meanwhile on the baize Neil wins his game and I go on to beat Alfie Blackman for a 2-1 lead. JY then slows down almost to a standstill trying to kill time before the Cornell family arrive. It was like when you tell him its his round at the bar. I swear if it wasn't for the rotation of the earth he wouldn't have been moving at all. He has two reds over the pocket but taps into them for every shot as we wait for the arrivals. Unfortunately there was no more tapping left to do and John had to finish off the frame for 3-1. Enter Will Graham……
Poor Will. Turned up at Racks with his mate for a quiet game of pool and ended up getting harassed by me into playing the fifth frame. Didn't know me from Adam, although if I had known an Adam as well I would have had six players. Will didn't look too happy about it but I tried to sweeten the deal by promising him some beer. We shoved him into trap 5 despite him not knowing the rules or little else. I figured as long as he wasn't getting tucked up all the time he would be OK. But Richard Meadows of the Grenfell spotted the ‘fall guy’ and tucked him silly. In fact Richard opened up a full box of Quality Fudge Assortment as he played numerous deliberate fouls and tuck ups until Will lost the plot and in frustration smashed the white ball and anything else in his path off the table and out the fire exit door! Richard cleared up and made it 3-2 to us.
Thankfully while we picked balls up off the floor the Cornell family arrived in the nick of time. Bypassing the introductions, JY gave Mr Cornell a two minute crash course in the pool rules and a miracle occurred as he won his frame for a 4-2 lead !!!
Suddenly it was game on. As long as JY, Neil and I won in the second half we could nick a victory. So I filled out the sheet for the second half and realised that we had to go back to Will and beg him to play another frame because I forgot that Justina had left ! Will, who was still fuming about having his Monday night out mucked up, wasn't keen on playing again.
“Don't worry” I said , “you wont have a frame like that one again, you were just unlucky to play their best player”.
I sounded assuring and finally Will succumbed to the pressure and agreed to play. I managed to drag him to the table where he lost the toss to guess who…Richard Meadows! Will, in fairness to him, did a good job of holding back because he looked like he was going to bust me open with the first thing he could get hold off. I tried to calm him down by making good on my promise of beer and asked Hannah for a couple of pints of Stella for him and his mate. The first pint didn't even make it to half full before it spat, gurgled and ran dry.
“Stella's run out Keith”
Will stared me down from across the room as I sheepishly announced
“Four-X instead Will ???”
Richard was nobody's fool in the frame and must have arrived at Racks packing more fudge than a Robbie Williams tour bus because from the word go he was at it again. Finally he knocked in the black to pull the score back to 4-3 and Will sulked off to his mate. Horrible night.
On went the Cornell family. First John turned the match on its head by winning his second frame of the night to put us 5-3 up but then his wife lost an all female battle to Katie Gourd and it was 5-4. Katie walked away with ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’ when she slammed in a double on her final red rather than roll it down the cushion.
We just needed two more and with JY up next things were looking up for the first time all day. But to keep the excitement at fever pitch JY goofed up against Albie Blackman and left us needing the last two frames. 5-5
Neil then had a stormer, potting a very tricky black into the middle when a miss would have cost us the match. Two good frames on the night and both of them crucial considering the state of the team. 6-5.
So the final frame came down to me. I had something to prove seeing as it was partly my fault for the mess we were in. Luckily the pool gods smiled down on me and I broke and dished to snatch a 7-5 win and we somehow got the points.
Apart from the hassle, beer running out and constant phone calls trying to patch up a side it was an entertaining match. My gratitude goes out to Richard of the Grenfell who was very tolerant as I kept snatching the result cards off him every five minutes to change the order and the personnel. He could have spat the dummy about it but was kind enough to let it go without complaint. He deserved to win both his frames on the night just for that reason alone.
Thank goodness for Neil winning twice to support my two frames, and kudos to the star of the show who was John “late notice” Cornell. Two out of two on the night to get us the win, he left the building with Sharon and shouted out:
“by the way if you need us next week, try and let us know a bit earlier yeah ?”
Wise words indeed.
K&K
Special Edition - Tips For the British Open Golf
Hello everyone.
Please enjoy this guide to the upcoming British Open Golf Championships from our guest writer and resident golf expert, Mr. Neil "105.4" Cameron.
"This year is the most wide-open of the wide-open Opens, and is the trickiest to bet of all golf tournaments, as a squally shower or an hour of gale force winds can break the best of the best. Just ask Tiger when Ernie won at Muirfield, Woods described his 82 as a half decent round of golf, given the conditions for a couple of hours there. The funny thing was that Monty saw him on the range the following day and teased him with the words 'Nice round yesterday' to which Tiger responded 'Well it was better than your 84!'. Sometimes the big fella just needs to engage brain before speaking, just like his 'Two 66s and I will be right there on Sunday' at Loch Lomond last week. Needless to say a 74 next day meant the dreaded letters MC (well dreaded for a golfer anyway!) next to his name.
So what of Woods.....well as Mr Walls would testify the Open normally results in this writer reaching for the phone and announcing 'All in' on Tiger, but this year is slightly different. I have just got married and the £500 bets on Woods are a thing of the past. This year I will be trying to spread 20 quid as thinly as possible over a few longshots.
Tiger is putting some lead tape on his putter as the greens at the Open are always slower than he is used to....but here's the thing, he has never done this before (until he was on slow greens earlier this year - at the AT&T i think at Pebble Beach). It's no secret that his putting, though still outstanding, has not been as good this year as in previous years and the fact that he is altering his faithful putter that he has used for more than a decade, alerts me to the fact that he has concerns over his stroke. It's only a hunch but at 3/1 or thereabouts, and the fact that my budget has been reduced by a factor of 25, means that I will be avoiding the great man. If he turns up and putts decent, he wins, as long as he doesn't end up getting a raw deal with the weather....another thing to factor into any potential bets.
The weather in Scotland is changeable at best and in the Open that can play havoc, if you end up on the wrong side of it. That also should be taken into consideration in any bets.
Mickelson was good last week but came up just short. His driving was very erratic and he will be punished far more greatly for that at Carnoustie.
Els looked great last week but is another who has major concerns over his putting. At the prices I will be leaving those 2 alone.
All the British players are underpriced and though I wouldn't put anyone off Casey, Rose or Harrington, they just ain't value for me.
Another big question, can we trust Sergio? Well with the belly putter out last week, he putted a lot better and that is all that has held him back in the past, not that he would agree. The fact that he appears to have accepted that his putting is poor, is great news for those who fancy him to go well. He is a much bigger price than normal at 40/1 or thereabouts, and he gets the first Cameron fiver. The pressure is off him as he hasn't been doing much and is pretty lightly raced this year. He went close last year at Hoylake and with a putter he is comfortable with he might just do it.
The Open normally sees a strong showing from some unheralded Americans and with this Top 15 last year, one who fits the bill is relative newcomer, Sean O'Hair. He said he really enjoyed it last year, which is quite refreshing, as clowns like Scott Hoch in the past and this year, Woody Austin, can't be bothered with playing golf on courses and in conditions that have been prevalent since time began. More fool those guys, but some Americans love the challenge, and wouldn't miss it. Another fiver on O'Hair at 140/1 or thereabouts.
I would always have a fiver on Monty and always have done but not this time. Needless to say if he is in contention on Sunday, he will be seeing some of my hard earned but not at the outset.
One tip for Open betting novices, you don't have to go in all guns blazing before the off, you could sit out the first 2 days, so that the weather evens itself out. If it is calm in the morning, then normally the wind picks up in the afternoon, and as each player has one 'late' start and one 'early' start, then after 2 days, things have evened out. Obviously you don't get the prices then, but if want a cheeky tenner on one of your favourites or the leaders at 8/1 on Saturday morning then it may pay to do so.
Onto the Top GB&I and Top South African markets, the one that stands out for me is Graham McDowell in the former. He grew up playing links golf and is playing very well at the moment. 20/1 for top GB&I represents value for me.
A rather insane call on the Top SA is David Frost. He was a class golfer in his day, one of the best in the world, is playing very solidly at the moment and was well placed last time at Carnoustie. He is huge value at 33/1 in that market with not too many to beat and doubts over Els and Goosen, the class of the market.
There we go that's my £20 spent.....other notables are Love III at a huge price 389/1 (purely a hunch as his form has been rotten, but he has a decent record at the Open), Poulter at 74/1 (played great last week and has looked good in the past at Opens), Carl Petterson (a top player nowadays in the States and played well in the Open last year) at 169/1 on Betfair and Justin Leonard at 200/1 (just finding his feet after a quiet year or two and former winner of the Open).
If you are looking for a token Scot to give you a run for your money, then try Alastair Forsyth. He has played well in Opens before but normally goes backwards on the weekends in the past, he is playing well at the moment and though very unlikely to hold on, if he gets up there, he could be worth a trade outright or a small play on the Top GB & Ireland market. The last time I put up a token Scot at Carnoustie, it was Paul Lawrie and we all know what happened there.
Stick a quid on him too then!
Woods should win, but has come up short twice already this year in the Majors and others represent greater value.
Good luck!
Neil"
Thanks for that Neil. It's a brave man who puts his knackers, or indeed his credibility, on the line by posting such wild and unlikely predictions. Talking of which, here are the tips from wallsbet.com:
Place your hard earned on the following :
Donald 36-1 ew
Choi 75-1 ew
Bjorn 125-1
Forsyth 660-1 ew
MCGinley 450-1
JJ Henry at 640-1
Good luck punters!!!
K&K
Please enjoy this guide to the upcoming British Open Golf Championships from our guest writer and resident golf expert, Mr. Neil "105.4" Cameron.
"This year is the most wide-open of the wide-open Opens, and is the trickiest to bet of all golf tournaments, as a squally shower or an hour of gale force winds can break the best of the best. Just ask Tiger when Ernie won at Muirfield, Woods described his 82 as a half decent round of golf, given the conditions for a couple of hours there. The funny thing was that Monty saw him on the range the following day and teased him with the words 'Nice round yesterday' to which Tiger responded 'Well it was better than your 84!'. Sometimes the big fella just needs to engage brain before speaking, just like his 'Two 66s and I will be right there on Sunday' at Loch Lomond last week. Needless to say a 74 next day meant the dreaded letters MC (well dreaded for a golfer anyway!) next to his name.
So what of Woods.....well as Mr Walls would testify the Open normally results in this writer reaching for the phone and announcing 'All in' on Tiger, but this year is slightly different. I have just got married and the £500 bets on Woods are a thing of the past. This year I will be trying to spread 20 quid as thinly as possible over a few longshots.
Tiger is putting some lead tape on his putter as the greens at the Open are always slower than he is used to....but here's the thing, he has never done this before (until he was on slow greens earlier this year - at the AT&T i think at Pebble Beach). It's no secret that his putting, though still outstanding, has not been as good this year as in previous years and the fact that he is altering his faithful putter that he has used for more than a decade, alerts me to the fact that he has concerns over his stroke. It's only a hunch but at 3/1 or thereabouts, and the fact that my budget has been reduced by a factor of 25, means that I will be avoiding the great man. If he turns up and putts decent, he wins, as long as he doesn't end up getting a raw deal with the weather....another thing to factor into any potential bets.
The weather in Scotland is changeable at best and in the Open that can play havoc, if you end up on the wrong side of it. That also should be taken into consideration in any bets.
Mickelson was good last week but came up just short. His driving was very erratic and he will be punished far more greatly for that at Carnoustie.
Els looked great last week but is another who has major concerns over his putting. At the prices I will be leaving those 2 alone.
All the British players are underpriced and though I wouldn't put anyone off Casey, Rose or Harrington, they just ain't value for me.
Another big question, can we trust Sergio? Well with the belly putter out last week, he putted a lot better and that is all that has held him back in the past, not that he would agree. The fact that he appears to have accepted that his putting is poor, is great news for those who fancy him to go well. He is a much bigger price than normal at 40/1 or thereabouts, and he gets the first Cameron fiver. The pressure is off him as he hasn't been doing much and is pretty lightly raced this year. He went close last year at Hoylake and with a putter he is comfortable with he might just do it.
The Open normally sees a strong showing from some unheralded Americans and with this Top 15 last year, one who fits the bill is relative newcomer, Sean O'Hair. He said he really enjoyed it last year, which is quite refreshing, as clowns like Scott Hoch in the past and this year, Woody Austin, can't be bothered with playing golf on courses and in conditions that have been prevalent since time began. More fool those guys, but some Americans love the challenge, and wouldn't miss it. Another fiver on O'Hair at 140/1 or thereabouts.
I would always have a fiver on Monty and always have done but not this time. Needless to say if he is in contention on Sunday, he will be seeing some of my hard earned but not at the outset.
One tip for Open betting novices, you don't have to go in all guns blazing before the off, you could sit out the first 2 days, so that the weather evens itself out. If it is calm in the morning, then normally the wind picks up in the afternoon, and as each player has one 'late' start and one 'early' start, then after 2 days, things have evened out. Obviously you don't get the prices then, but if want a cheeky tenner on one of your favourites or the leaders at 8/1 on Saturday morning then it may pay to do so.
Onto the Top GB&I and Top South African markets, the one that stands out for me is Graham McDowell in the former. He grew up playing links golf and is playing very well at the moment. 20/1 for top GB&I represents value for me.
A rather insane call on the Top SA is David Frost. He was a class golfer in his day, one of the best in the world, is playing very solidly at the moment and was well placed last time at Carnoustie. He is huge value at 33/1 in that market with not too many to beat and doubts over Els and Goosen, the class of the market.
There we go that's my £20 spent.....other notables are Love III at a huge price 389/1 (purely a hunch as his form has been rotten, but he has a decent record at the Open), Poulter at 74/1 (played great last week and has looked good in the past at Opens), Carl Petterson (a top player nowadays in the States and played well in the Open last year) at 169/1 on Betfair and Justin Leonard at 200/1 (just finding his feet after a quiet year or two and former winner of the Open).
If you are looking for a token Scot to give you a run for your money, then try Alastair Forsyth. He has played well in Opens before but normally goes backwards on the weekends in the past, he is playing well at the moment and though very unlikely to hold on, if he gets up there, he could be worth a trade outright or a small play on the Top GB & Ireland market. The last time I put up a token Scot at Carnoustie, it was Paul Lawrie and we all know what happened there.
Stick a quid on him too then!
Woods should win, but has come up short twice already this year in the Majors and others represent greater value.
Good luck!
Neil"
Thanks for that Neil. It's a brave man who puts his knackers, or indeed his credibility, on the line by posting such wild and unlikely predictions. Talking of which, here are the tips from wallsbet.com:
Place your hard earned on the following :
Donald 36-1 ew
Choi 75-1 ew
Bjorn 125-1
Forsyth 660-1 ew
MCGinley 450-1
JJ Henry at 640-1
Good luck punters!!!
K&K
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Week 1 Captain's Report - Home Versus WAMDSAD
RACKS PACK II – A NEW GENERATION……..
And so it came to pass that on the first day of the second week of the seventh month that a new era began. A three month journey, a quest if you will, full of highs and lows, thrills and spills, flair and skills, and (if possible) a bit more flair. Racks Pack second attempt to secure the Maidenhead Pool League Summer title was now awakening from its winter slumber - stirring, having a quick scratch, a belch, and then pulling on its pants ready for action.
There was a poignant smell in the air as I strode up the stairs to meet my comrades in arms, and it was the waft of celebration. Thirty four years ago to the very day a man was born that would take the helm of this motley crew and guide them to giddy new heights and that man was me. What better way to celebrate my birthday than to sink a few beers and crush some unsuspecting plebs in the process. The date was 9th July 2007, the place was Racks and the plebs were WAMSAD. Truly a mighty foe for such a mighty occasion.
The night had started shakily. Brad ‘the bear’ had called up at 7pm to say he ‘might not make it’ and followed it up with ‘I wont make it’ at 7:45pm. This caused a problem, not least because, with Tready blanking us to play for the other Racks side, it meant we only had five players. I have been toying with the idea of getting another permanent player in the side to add to our six but to be honest I don't want to if I can help it. I would like us to get through the section and then the six of us could play two frames every week and save me the hassle of picking a side for the knockout stages. Obviously it’s got its drawbacks when someone pulls out. This is going to really kick in for the next month as Lee misses three weeks to go on holiday with 82 of his closest friends and relatives. As if that wasn't enough my vice-sub-under-committee-captain-in-waiting is away for next week as well. So that gives us the sum total of four players for next Monday.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse - the Murphy’s was off! I couldn't believe it! How was I going to wash down the fine a la carte menu of Racks bistro-esque food that was bound to appear during the break? How lucky for us that the dozen triangular sandwiches between 6 of us could have been washed down with a cap full of mouthwash!
In desperation for a player we turned to Leo. Trying to convince him to play was tough, especially when he realised there was no money involved. Finally he agreed and we got six names down on the sheet just in time for 8pm.
At the start of a season you need to get off to a good start, you need a big man, with a big reputation for a big job. But with no one fitting that description we let JY crack on and he was more off than the Murphys. A stunning 10 minute demonstration of total budgeness put us 0-1 down.
The captain stepped in with an excellent clearance down to the simple black into the corner that was desperately unlucky not to end up in the middle pocket! Fortunately the WAMSAD player was in no mood to make it difficult and left me a tap in some visits later. 1-1
Steve ‘Dog’ Walton turned up at 8:15pm to tell us how he was beaten “by a lucky **** from a team full of spasmo’s”. It turned out that he was the only player on the Thatched team to lose.
I firmly believe that your best player should be in at number three. If you are 2-0 down you should be confident of getting it back to 2-1. If its 1-1 then you should be taking a lead. But I wasn't paying attention when I filled out the card as I was too busy trying to figure out where to put Leo so it turned out to be Kevin ‘Slugger’ Southam in the main role of trap 3. The excellent black along the rail to win it was completely out of context with the rest of the frame, but who cared - we were in front 2-1
Lee ‘Grinder’ Greenwood pulled out a superb win over Paul Webb who was unfortunate to run out of position during an attempted clearance. Neil ‘105.4 – he’s magic allll the way’ Cameron got off the mark without too much fuss and Leo made it 5-1 at the break with an interesting demonstration of 9-ball pool technique on an 8-ball pool table.
5-1 at the half and Leo went straight back on. He crowned his debut with a double on the night when his opponent attempted a WAM down the cushion but was left with the SAD when the red did three laps of the table after missing by four inches or more.
JY reprieved himself and the relieved himself all in the space of five minutes and as predicted in the ASN season preview left the building just shortly before ‘Wonder’Walls 100% record. An attempt to win the coveted ‘You’re not on telly now pointless flair shot of the week’ award resulted in a lovely two ball plant, screwing back to free his tough yellow, but missing it and watching the white bounce back off the cushion straight into the middle bag.
The Slugger notched up his double on the night with some solid potting but Lee and Neil both met with defeat to leave the final score at 8-4.
Could have been better , could have been worse. A lack of concentration and some rustiness in the last few frames cost us a bigger score. Actually, laying into Andy ‘Turncoat’ Treadwell as he lost on the other table on his debut for his new team didn't help.
And so it came to pass that on the first day of the second week of the seventh month that a new era began. A three month journey, a quest if you will, full of highs and lows, thrills and spills, flair and skills, and (if possible) a bit more flair. Racks Pack second attempt to secure the Maidenhead Pool League Summer title was now awakening from its winter slumber - stirring, having a quick scratch, a belch, and then pulling on its pants ready for action.
There was a poignant smell in the air as I strode up the stairs to meet my comrades in arms, and it was the waft of celebration. Thirty four years ago to the very day a man was born that would take the helm of this motley crew and guide them to giddy new heights and that man was me. What better way to celebrate my birthday than to sink a few beers and crush some unsuspecting plebs in the process. The date was 9th July 2007, the place was Racks and the plebs were WAMSAD. Truly a mighty foe for such a mighty occasion.
The night had started shakily. Brad ‘the bear’ had called up at 7pm to say he ‘might not make it’ and followed it up with ‘I wont make it’ at 7:45pm. This caused a problem, not least because, with Tready blanking us to play for the other Racks side, it meant we only had five players. I have been toying with the idea of getting another permanent player in the side to add to our six but to be honest I don't want to if I can help it. I would like us to get through the section and then the six of us could play two frames every week and save me the hassle of picking a side for the knockout stages. Obviously it’s got its drawbacks when someone pulls out. This is going to really kick in for the next month as Lee misses three weeks to go on holiday with 82 of his closest friends and relatives. As if that wasn't enough my vice-sub-under-committee-captain-in-waiting is away for next week as well. So that gives us the sum total of four players for next Monday.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse - the Murphy’s was off! I couldn't believe it! How was I going to wash down the fine a la carte menu of Racks bistro-esque food that was bound to appear during the break? How lucky for us that the dozen triangular sandwiches between 6 of us could have been washed down with a cap full of mouthwash!
In desperation for a player we turned to Leo. Trying to convince him to play was tough, especially when he realised there was no money involved. Finally he agreed and we got six names down on the sheet just in time for 8pm.
At the start of a season you need to get off to a good start, you need a big man, with a big reputation for a big job. But with no one fitting that description we let JY crack on and he was more off than the Murphys. A stunning 10 minute demonstration of total budgeness put us 0-1 down.
The captain stepped in with an excellent clearance down to the simple black into the corner that was desperately unlucky not to end up in the middle pocket! Fortunately the WAMSAD player was in no mood to make it difficult and left me a tap in some visits later. 1-1
Steve ‘Dog’ Walton turned up at 8:15pm to tell us how he was beaten “by a lucky **** from a team full of spasmo’s”. It turned out that he was the only player on the Thatched team to lose.
I firmly believe that your best player should be in at number three. If you are 2-0 down you should be confident of getting it back to 2-1. If its 1-1 then you should be taking a lead. But I wasn't paying attention when I filled out the card as I was too busy trying to figure out where to put Leo so it turned out to be Kevin ‘Slugger’ Southam in the main role of trap 3. The excellent black along the rail to win it was completely out of context with the rest of the frame, but who cared - we were in front 2-1
Lee ‘Grinder’ Greenwood pulled out a superb win over Paul Webb who was unfortunate to run out of position during an attempted clearance. Neil ‘105.4 – he’s magic allll the way’ Cameron got off the mark without too much fuss and Leo made it 5-1 at the break with an interesting demonstration of 9-ball pool technique on an 8-ball pool table.
5-1 at the half and Leo went straight back on. He crowned his debut with a double on the night when his opponent attempted a WAM down the cushion but was left with the SAD when the red did three laps of the table after missing by four inches or more.
JY reprieved himself and the relieved himself all in the space of five minutes and as predicted in the ASN season preview left the building just shortly before ‘Wonder’Walls 100% record. An attempt to win the coveted ‘You’re not on telly now pointless flair shot of the week’ award resulted in a lovely two ball plant, screwing back to free his tough yellow, but missing it and watching the white bounce back off the cushion straight into the middle bag.
The Slugger notched up his double on the night with some solid potting but Lee and Neil both met with defeat to leave the final score at 8-4.
Could have been better , could have been worse. A lack of concentration and some rustiness in the last few frames cost us a bigger score. Actually, laying into Andy ‘Turncoat’ Treadwell as he lost on the other table on his debut for his new team didn't help.
Racks Pack Markets
Hello everyone!
Or as they say in Blackpool – are you looking at my pint you soft shandy drinking…BBLLLLUURGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH…!
Hot foot from Blackpool, where “Berkshire’s Number One” made a partially successful debut in the World Pool Masters, we have news and views on the upcoming season of pool fun and frivolity from the Don of online betting, Don Mynuts of "Mynuts Online Casino & Bookmakers"
Top of the averages
Who will finish top of the averages? ALL even money with handicap.
Brad +0%
Lee +0%
Keith +5%
John +10%
Kevin +15%
Neil +15%
K&K say "There are no losers in this market! Six players all topping 70% last season - in one team! It's a captains dream!!!"
Don says "There’s been a seismic shift in this market in the run up to the season, as it was announced Andy Tredwell had been black-balled by Racks Pack for fratenising with the opposition. Brad & Lee are the men to beat. Both players only lost one game last season, and Lee only finished second by virtue of the fact he had played less games than Brad. With Brad's availability in question, both players are equal favourites to finish top of the (racks) pack. Further down the table Keith's prediliction for the flair shot could easily see him snatch defeat from the jaws of victory at least twice this season. If Kevin & Neil can cut out the schoolboy errors they could be the dark horses and represent the value in this market. "
Don's TIP: Put your knackers on Neil "105.4" Cameron with a 15 point headstart.
Special market – Combined Wins
Which pair will win the most games all season? ALL pairs at evens with handicap
Keith & Kevin +1 games
Brad & John +0 games
Lee & Neil +5 games
K&K say “Lump on us!!!”
Don says “The value looks to be in the combined market – Neil & Keith are the only two players likely to attend every week, but can they muster enough frames to overcome the handicap of being paired with a player missing some games? Are Kevin's shoulders big enough?"
Don's TIP: Pop down the garden centre, buy a wheelbarrow, then to the bank to get the mortgage out, then log on to mynutsonline.com and put the it all on Brad & John.
Most “pointless flair shot of the week” awards
Which player will win the most "pointless flair shot of the week" awards?
Keith 4/7
Brad evens
Rest 10/1
K&K say “This is a complete travesty. I’m Berkshire’s number one!”
Don says “It is hard to look beyond the two flair players in the team here. A quick look back over last seasons blog will tell you that Wonder Walls has a distinct habit of putting himself on in the second half after the game has been won – a breeding ground for the kind of “I don’t care I’ve got flair” shots and “on-drugs” clearances with which Keith has made name for himself over the years.”
Don's TIP: No value - no bet.
Other markets are available upon request.
K&K.
Odds courtesy of Mynuts Online Casino & Bookmakers. Don's fee for this appearence has been donated Whilmsly Ladies Bridge Club.
Or as they say in Blackpool – are you looking at my pint you soft shandy drinking…BBLLLLUURGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH…!
Hot foot from Blackpool, where “Berkshire’s Number One” made a partially successful debut in the World Pool Masters, we have news and views on the upcoming season of pool fun and frivolity from the Don of online betting, Don Mynuts of "Mynuts Online Casino & Bookmakers"
Top of the averages
Who will finish top of the averages? ALL even money with handicap.
Brad +0%
Lee +0%
Keith +5%
John +10%
Kevin +15%
Neil +15%
K&K say "There are no losers in this market! Six players all topping 70% last season - in one team! It's a captains dream!!!"
Don says "There’s been a seismic shift in this market in the run up to the season, as it was announced Andy Tredwell had been black-balled by Racks Pack for fratenising with the opposition. Brad & Lee are the men to beat. Both players only lost one game last season, and Lee only finished second by virtue of the fact he had played less games than Brad. With Brad's availability in question, both players are equal favourites to finish top of the (racks) pack. Further down the table Keith's prediliction for the flair shot could easily see him snatch defeat from the jaws of victory at least twice this season. If Kevin & Neil can cut out the schoolboy errors they could be the dark horses and represent the value in this market. "
Don's TIP: Put your knackers on Neil "105.4" Cameron with a 15 point headstart.
Special market – Combined Wins
Which pair will win the most games all season? ALL pairs at evens with handicap
Keith & Kevin +1 games
Brad & John +0 games
Lee & Neil +5 games
K&K say “Lump on us!!!”
Don says “The value looks to be in the combined market – Neil & Keith are the only two players likely to attend every week, but can they muster enough frames to overcome the handicap of being paired with a player missing some games? Are Kevin's shoulders big enough?"
Don's TIP: Pop down the garden centre, buy a wheelbarrow, then to the bank to get the mortgage out, then log on to mynutsonline.com and put the it all on Brad & John.
Most “pointless flair shot of the week” awards
Which player will win the most "pointless flair shot of the week" awards?
Keith 4/7
Brad evens
Rest 10/1
K&K say “This is a complete travesty. I’m Berkshire’s number one!”
Don says “It is hard to look beyond the two flair players in the team here. A quick look back over last seasons blog will tell you that Wonder Walls has a distinct habit of putting himself on in the second half after the game has been won – a breeding ground for the kind of “I don’t care I’ve got flair” shots and “on-drugs” clearances with which Keith has made name for himself over the years.”
Don's TIP: No value - no bet.
Other markets are available upon request.
K&K.
Odds courtesy of Mynuts Online Casino & Bookmakers. Don's fee for this appearence has been donated Whilmsly Ladies Bridge Club.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Fixtures 2007 Summer Season
Rack Pack cuemasters -
Here are our fixtures for the coming season.
9th Jul
Grenfell Rats v NMCC 'B'
Woodland Park BL 'B' v Golden Cross 'A'
Racks Pack II v WAMDSAD 'A'
Woodland Park BL 'B' v Golden Cross 'A'
Racks Pack II v WAMDSAD 'A'
16th Jul
Racks Pack II v Grenfell Rats
NMCC 'B' v Golden Cross 'A'
WAMDSAD 'A' v Woodland Park BL 'B'
23rd Jul
Grenfell Rats v Woodland Park BL 'B'
NMCC 'B' v Racks Pack II
Golden Cross 'A' v WAMDSAD 'A'
30th Jul
WAMDSAD 'A' v Grenfell Rats
Woodland Park BL 'B' v NMCC 'B'
Racks Pack II v Golden Cross 'A'
6th Aug
Grenfell Rats v Golden Cross 'A'
NMCC 'B' v WAMDSAD 'A'
Racks Pack II v Woodland Park BL 'B'
13th Aug
NMCC 'B' v Grenfell Rats
Golden Cross 'A' v Woodland Park BL 'B'
WAMDSAD 'A' v Racks Pack II
20th Aug
Grenfell Rats v Racks Pack II
Golden Cross 'A' v NMCC 'B'
Woodland Park BL 'B' v WAMDSAD 'A'
3rd Sep
Woodland Park BL 'B' v Grenfell Rats
Racks Pack II v NMCC 'B'
WAMDSAD 'A' v Golden Cross 'A'
10th Sep
Grenfell Rats v WAMDSAD 'A'
NMCC 'B' v Woodland Park BL 'B'
Golden Cross 'A' v Racks Pack II
17th Sep
Golden Cross 'A' v Grenfell Rats
WAMDSAD 'A' v NMCC 'B'
Woodland Park BL 'B' v Racks Pack II
24th Sep
Quarter Finals
1st Oct
Semi Finals
8th Oct
FINAL - Racks Pack II v ???
A quick glance at the fixtures sees us finish with four away fixtures out of our last five games, and that the three final stages of the season will each be held on a separate night. This is a shame - the atmosphere down at The Bell for last years finals night was great. However with three of the four quarter finals going to 13 frames it is perhaps understandable that this year the wise men and women of the committee have made other arrangements.
Coming Soon to a blog near you...
Your intrepid Racks Pack reporters report from Blackpool, where we visit Blackpool-based Don Mynuts, from official Racks Pack Bookmaker "Mynuts Online". With exclusive advance access to the Mynuts markets, and his tips for the value bets for the upcoming season, it's a report not to be missed.
Laters,
K&K
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Season Preview
Cueists, fantastic news!
Exploits of The Racks Pack have reached far and wide, to the point where the well known web broadcaster American Sports Network (ASN) has decided to feature our team in their weekly podcast! Check out www.asn.com/podcast/budg/rackspack to download it. As a special treat for those who can’t download podcast (the ASN server is playing up) here is the transcript of their summer season preview:
“Hi there and welcome to the Maidenhead Pool League summer preview, I’m your host Pat Butterscotch and to my left is a man who needs no introduction, Randy Ogre. Hi there Randy.”
“Hi Pat.”
“Well Randy, can it really be that time already? Is the world of high speed all action pool in the near Maidenhead area upon us yet again??”
“Yes it is Pat and I for one can’t wait. We’ve got a season of world class pool ahead of us, and if this season isn’t a hum-dinging, rip-snorting, helter-skelter of a season then my name isn’t Randy Ogre! When I told my young son that break off time was only a few days away, well his face just lit up. It warmed the cockles of this old mans heart!”
“I feel you there Randy! Why all I heard at the wig menders this morning was ‘Hey Pat, can the Racks Pack do it? Can they really win the title this year?’ and do you know what - I just don't know.”
“Well that's why we’re here Pat. And hey, I was in the supermarket yesterday lunchtime and I was reminded of you when I picked up a can of my favourite tinned peaches and read that they also come ‘set in a thick heavy syrup’.”
“What are you trying to imply Randy?”
“Oh nothing Pat, I’m just ribbin’ ya! So, onto the season and where do we start? Let’s take a look back at last year and remind everyone of what happened. After scraping past The Thatched Cottage on the deciding frame, the final was fought out between the Pond House and the emerging Bracknell BAPL side. Notable mentions also go to the other Thatched side - who put out Racks - and of course the Forresters who fell at the semi final hurdle, having chinned the Racks Pack on a sudden death decider during quarter finals night.”
“Golly yes, what an evening of pool we had on ‘Grand Slam’ night at the Bell. Four quarterfinals, and three of them right down to the wire. I like my pool matches to be like my women - exciting, tight and involving a coin toss to see who goes first.”
“Ooookay… moving on to this season, let’s look at the Racks Packs team and their section and see if we can unravel this enigma wrapped in a puzzle wrapped in a warm cardigan of reds and yellows.”
“Let’s start with the name change Randy, I see they have gone for Racks Pack II this year. Is this an improvement or should they have stuck in an animal name like ‘Racks Racoons’ or maybe a play on words like ‘Racks Deserting The Sinking Ship’?”
“Pat, I spoke to Coach Walls last week and he said simplicity is the key this season. The guys seem to struggle to spell anything with more than five letters unless its their own name, and the fact that the second word almost rhymes with the first makes it a lot easier all round”
“That's good thinking by the coach.”
“You better believe it Pat. Coach Walls is leaving nothing to chance this year after the mistakes last season when they stupidly wrote down the name ‘Andy Tredwell’ for the decider against the Forresters instead of Keith Walls.”
“Sweet mercy! We wont forget that screw up in a hurry. Say, whatever happened to ‘the Tredmill’?”
“He is out of there Pat. During the winter the whole franchise sat down and analysed how to separate the wheat from the chaff, he fell into the category ‘chaff’. So he has now been sold off to the rival Racks team. Tredwell paid a heavy price for that loss to Jason Gilbert.”
“How did they afford the fee Randy, because he can’t have come cheap?”
“The rumour is that the sale was bankrolled by a guy called Leo who is from Racks itself and is coughing up the money in regular monthly payments from now till Christmas.”
“Interesting.”
“It sure is Pat, it suuure is.”
“So let’s run through the line up and see what’s in store for the fans this season. Well, the ladies will be pleased to know that despite getting a ring on his finger Kevin ‘Slugger’ Southam retains his place as under-vice-sub-committee-captain-in-waiting.”
“That's good news not only for the ladies watching at home but also those down at the Honey Pot whose profits really took a downturn when the Racks Pack season wrapped up earlier than expected.”
“Absolutely Randy, those purveyors of the prancing poledance really had it bad after that loss to the Forresters. It’s gotta be a tough break for the wallet when some of your best customers just don't appear on a Monday evening.”
“You've hit the nail on the head Pat. A crushing blow for an establishment where less is defiantly more, and a Zorro mask and white tennis socks are the ensemble du jour.”
“Was that French Randy?”
“It sure was pat mon petit filous”
“So tell me, who else can we look forward to this season?”
“Pat, coach Walls is expected to play a more prominent role this time around. You may remember that he missed a lot of the season when he was farmed out to Frankfurt in Germany to attend a meditation clinic at the feet of a Zen master. It was there that he tried to focus his mind more clearly, so that he could actually concentrate more on his game and try to lose that lackadaisical attitude he seemed to have. They say he ‘found himself’.”
“Jeepers creepers Randy - all that Zen jiggery pokery must have really come in handy for the Maidenhead singles this year. Say, just how did he get on against Birdy in the semi final?”
“Let’s just say he found himself, forgot to exchange addresses, and subsequently lost himself again…err… moving onwards, Brad ‘the bear’ Robinson - chauffeur to the rich and famous - is back”
“Hey, now that really must be a shot in the arm for the Honeypot to see the big man and ‘the slugger’ back in the saddle again!”
“You’re way ahead of me there Pat. Those profits will soon be soaring and I hear that the owner already has a down payment on a new Jaguar and he expects to have it paid off by September. The big old bear doesn't mind putting his money where he hopes someone else’s mouth should be and assuming he doesn't abandon the team like he did last year those ladies could be finding something nice in their stocking this season.”
“That's right Randy, I'd almost forgotten about him running off three days before the quarter final to spend a week on holiday with Robert Uzzell!”
“You might have forgotten Pat but let me tell you Coach Walls hasn't. The Bear is on some thin ice this year and he is going to have to pull his thumb out to win back the respect of his fellow professionals.”
“Randy, I saw the doubles final and Robinson played like broken tambourine.”
“As usual you’re right Pat. It was lucky for him that Ray Wootton was like the M6 that night, lots of services and hard shoulders, whilst Robinson, well frankly he stunk the joint out”
“What about that guy from the North of England, is he still there?”
“John Young?”
“No, the other one, Neil Cameron”
“He’s from Scotland Land Pat! The home of Guinness!”
“Isn’t that Northern England Randy?”
“God-damn-it Pat – you’re right, I’ve just looked it up on my atlas. It’s the biggest county in Northern England!
"That's good geography Randy, that's why you’re the articulate brainy one and I’m the sports…commentary…presenter…type guy.”
“Coming right back at ya Pat. Yes, Neil is in for a second year and he really impressed last time out in his rookie season. After a mild attack of the yips in the first game of the season he really came good, well and truly earning his nickname Neil ‘105.4’ Cameron – he was magic allll the way!”
“You mentioned the great JY there a minute a go, and I suppose the burning question the viewers will want to know the answer to is…can we expect to see him in the building after 10:15 pm?”
“Whoooahhh, slow down there big fella that's something that not even God himself can predict. But I’d say the smart money is on no. This guy has more emergency exits than a 757. The only thing guaranteed to tumble out of the bar quicker than JY is Coach Walls’ 100% record!”
“Randy, I hear that Lee Greenwood is mixing up his love of the greyhounds with Monday night pool. Is it likely to have an affect on his performance?”
“No way Pat, this guy is as solid as a Racks Pack II ceramic mug which, incidentally, is available in our gift shop for only three ninety nine! This guy has more bad habits than an amateur dramatics production of Sound Of Music! If anyone can combine an unhealthy gambling habit with solid, grinding pool it’s him, and that can only be good for the rest of the side.”
“And what about the new guy they have on board, Daryl Hill, what can you tell us about DH.”
“Pat, I can’t say enough about this new guy, so I wont even bother. Next question”
“Randy, sum it up for us, what is going to happen this season”
“Pat, I will put my reputation on the line and say that these guys are winners and that this race for the pennant is going to end in a happy finish for all those Racks Pack fans.”
“Randy, you don't have a reputation”
“I’m hoping to gain one from this preview! I see the guys topping a weak-looking section that comprises of WAMSAD, Golden Cross A, Grenfell Rats, North Maidenhead cricket club and the unknown Woodlands Park British Legion”
“There are some serious heavyweights in that list Randy but I like your moxy and you sound confident”
“Pat, we are talking flair, flair, flair all the way. This team has got more flair than Robert Uzzell’s wardrobe! The random draw has put up a group of death consisting of the Pond House, Bracknell BAPL and the Thatched Cottage Cheese. Big names are gonna fall into a vat of mediocrity and that's must spell good news for our boys. Squad rotation and sufficient rest should see them cruise to the play offs and after that it's anyone’s ball game! A good pull in the knockouts and it's the glory trail for this bunch of handsome bananas.”
“Randy, I like the cut of your jib and I agree - these guys are just smooth enough and talented enough to pull this off. Let’s hope they can bring the silverware home for all the good folks out there in pool world.”
“Well, it looks like the clock has beaten us again and we have to go, but remember to tune in each week as we bring you all the action of the Racks Pack season. I’m Randy Ogre”
“And I’m Pat Butterscotch. Thanks for joining us, look after yourselves and remember the golden rules - don't let Gary Hoad borrow your cue, and don't let me be a stranger at the bar. Goodnight.”
© ASN 2007
Laters,
The Dream Team.
K&K.
Exploits of The Racks Pack have reached far and wide, to the point where the well known web broadcaster American Sports Network (ASN) has decided to feature our team in their weekly podcast! Check out www.asn.com/podcast/budg/rackspack to download it. As a special treat for those who can’t download podcast (the ASN server is playing up) here is the transcript of their summer season preview:
“Hi there and welcome to the Maidenhead Pool League summer preview, I’m your host Pat Butterscotch and to my left is a man who needs no introduction, Randy Ogre. Hi there Randy.”
“Hi Pat.”
“Well Randy, can it really be that time already? Is the world of high speed all action pool in the near Maidenhead area upon us yet again??”
“Yes it is Pat and I for one can’t wait. We’ve got a season of world class pool ahead of us, and if this season isn’t a hum-dinging, rip-snorting, helter-skelter of a season then my name isn’t Randy Ogre! When I told my young son that break off time was only a few days away, well his face just lit up. It warmed the cockles of this old mans heart!”
“I feel you there Randy! Why all I heard at the wig menders this morning was ‘Hey Pat, can the Racks Pack do it? Can they really win the title this year?’ and do you know what - I just don't know.”
“Well that's why we’re here Pat. And hey, I was in the supermarket yesterday lunchtime and I was reminded of you when I picked up a can of my favourite tinned peaches and read that they also come ‘set in a thick heavy syrup’.”
“What are you trying to imply Randy?”
“Oh nothing Pat, I’m just ribbin’ ya! So, onto the season and where do we start? Let’s take a look back at last year and remind everyone of what happened. After scraping past The Thatched Cottage on the deciding frame, the final was fought out between the Pond House and the emerging Bracknell BAPL side. Notable mentions also go to the other Thatched side - who put out Racks - and of course the Forresters who fell at the semi final hurdle, having chinned the Racks Pack on a sudden death decider during quarter finals night.”
“Golly yes, what an evening of pool we had on ‘Grand Slam’ night at the Bell. Four quarterfinals, and three of them right down to the wire. I like my pool matches to be like my women - exciting, tight and involving a coin toss to see who goes first.”
“Ooookay… moving on to this season, let’s look at the Racks Packs team and their section and see if we can unravel this enigma wrapped in a puzzle wrapped in a warm cardigan of reds and yellows.”
“Let’s start with the name change Randy, I see they have gone for Racks Pack II this year. Is this an improvement or should they have stuck in an animal name like ‘Racks Racoons’ or maybe a play on words like ‘Racks Deserting The Sinking Ship’?”
“Pat, I spoke to Coach Walls last week and he said simplicity is the key this season. The guys seem to struggle to spell anything with more than five letters unless its their own name, and the fact that the second word almost rhymes with the first makes it a lot easier all round”
“That's good thinking by the coach.”
“You better believe it Pat. Coach Walls is leaving nothing to chance this year after the mistakes last season when they stupidly wrote down the name ‘Andy Tredwell’ for the decider against the Forresters instead of Keith Walls.”
“Sweet mercy! We wont forget that screw up in a hurry. Say, whatever happened to ‘the Tredmill’?”
“He is out of there Pat. During the winter the whole franchise sat down and analysed how to separate the wheat from the chaff, he fell into the category ‘chaff’. So he has now been sold off to the rival Racks team. Tredwell paid a heavy price for that loss to Jason Gilbert.”
“How did they afford the fee Randy, because he can’t have come cheap?”
“The rumour is that the sale was bankrolled by a guy called Leo who is from Racks itself and is coughing up the money in regular monthly payments from now till Christmas.”
“Interesting.”
“It sure is Pat, it suuure is.”
“So let’s run through the line up and see what’s in store for the fans this season. Well, the ladies will be pleased to know that despite getting a ring on his finger Kevin ‘Slugger’ Southam retains his place as under-vice-sub-committee-captain-in-waiting.”
“That's good news not only for the ladies watching at home but also those down at the Honey Pot whose profits really took a downturn when the Racks Pack season wrapped up earlier than expected.”
“Absolutely Randy, those purveyors of the prancing poledance really had it bad after that loss to the Forresters. It’s gotta be a tough break for the wallet when some of your best customers just don't appear on a Monday evening.”
“You've hit the nail on the head Pat. A crushing blow for an establishment where less is defiantly more, and a Zorro mask and white tennis socks are the ensemble du jour.”
“Was that French Randy?”
“It sure was pat mon petit filous”
“So tell me, who else can we look forward to this season?”
“Pat, coach Walls is expected to play a more prominent role this time around. You may remember that he missed a lot of the season when he was farmed out to Frankfurt in Germany to attend a meditation clinic at the feet of a Zen master. It was there that he tried to focus his mind more clearly, so that he could actually concentrate more on his game and try to lose that lackadaisical attitude he seemed to have. They say he ‘found himself’.”
“Jeepers creepers Randy - all that Zen jiggery pokery must have really come in handy for the Maidenhead singles this year. Say, just how did he get on against Birdy in the semi final?”
“Let’s just say he found himself, forgot to exchange addresses, and subsequently lost himself again…err… moving onwards, Brad ‘the bear’ Robinson - chauffeur to the rich and famous - is back”
“Hey, now that really must be a shot in the arm for the Honeypot to see the big man and ‘the slugger’ back in the saddle again!”
“You’re way ahead of me there Pat. Those profits will soon be soaring and I hear that the owner already has a down payment on a new Jaguar and he expects to have it paid off by September. The big old bear doesn't mind putting his money where he hopes someone else’s mouth should be and assuming he doesn't abandon the team like he did last year those ladies could be finding something nice in their stocking this season.”
“That's right Randy, I'd almost forgotten about him running off three days before the quarter final to spend a week on holiday with Robert Uzzell!”
“You might have forgotten Pat but let me tell you Coach Walls hasn't. The Bear is on some thin ice this year and he is going to have to pull his thumb out to win back the respect of his fellow professionals.”
“Randy, I saw the doubles final and Robinson played like broken tambourine.”
“As usual you’re right Pat. It was lucky for him that Ray Wootton was like the M6 that night, lots of services and hard shoulders, whilst Robinson, well frankly he stunk the joint out”
“What about that guy from the North of England, is he still there?”
“John Young?”
“No, the other one, Neil Cameron”
“He’s from Scotland Land Pat! The home of Guinness!”
“Isn’t that Northern England Randy?”
“God-damn-it Pat – you’re right, I’ve just looked it up on my atlas. It’s the biggest county in Northern England!
"That's good geography Randy, that's why you’re the articulate brainy one and I’m the sports…commentary…presenter…type guy.”
“Coming right back at ya Pat. Yes, Neil is in for a second year and he really impressed last time out in his rookie season. After a mild attack of the yips in the first game of the season he really came good, well and truly earning his nickname Neil ‘105.4’ Cameron – he was magic allll the way!”
“You mentioned the great JY there a minute a go, and I suppose the burning question the viewers will want to know the answer to is…can we expect to see him in the building after 10:15 pm?”
“Whoooahhh, slow down there big fella that's something that not even God himself can predict. But I’d say the smart money is on no. This guy has more emergency exits than a 757. The only thing guaranteed to tumble out of the bar quicker than JY is Coach Walls’ 100% record!”
“Randy, I hear that Lee Greenwood is mixing up his love of the greyhounds with Monday night pool. Is it likely to have an affect on his performance?”
“No way Pat, this guy is as solid as a Racks Pack II ceramic mug which, incidentally, is available in our gift shop for only three ninety nine! This guy has more bad habits than an amateur dramatics production of Sound Of Music! If anyone can combine an unhealthy gambling habit with solid, grinding pool it’s him, and that can only be good for the rest of the side.”
“And what about the new guy they have on board, Daryl Hill, what can you tell us about DH.”
“Pat, I can’t say enough about this new guy, so I wont even bother. Next question”
“Randy, sum it up for us, what is going to happen this season”
“Pat, I will put my reputation on the line and say that these guys are winners and that this race for the pennant is going to end in a happy finish for all those Racks Pack fans.”
“Randy, you don't have a reputation”
“I’m hoping to gain one from this preview! I see the guys topping a weak-looking section that comprises of WAMSAD, Golden Cross A, Grenfell Rats, North Maidenhead cricket club and the unknown Woodlands Park British Legion”
“There are some serious heavyweights in that list Randy but I like your moxy and you sound confident”
“Pat, we are talking flair, flair, flair all the way. This team has got more flair than Robert Uzzell’s wardrobe! The random draw has put up a group of death consisting of the Pond House, Bracknell BAPL and the Thatched Cottage Cheese. Big names are gonna fall into a vat of mediocrity and that's must spell good news for our boys. Squad rotation and sufficient rest should see them cruise to the play offs and after that it's anyone’s ball game! A good pull in the knockouts and it's the glory trail for this bunch of handsome bananas.”
“Randy, I like the cut of your jib and I agree - these guys are just smooth enough and talented enough to pull this off. Let’s hope they can bring the silverware home for all the good folks out there in pool world.”
“Well, it looks like the clock has beaten us again and we have to go, but remember to tune in each week as we bring you all the action of the Racks Pack season. I’m Randy Ogre”
“And I’m Pat Butterscotch. Thanks for joining us, look after yourselves and remember the golden rules - don't let Gary Hoad borrow your cue, and don't let me be a stranger at the bar. Goodnight.”
© ASN 2007
Laters,
The Dream Team.
K&K.
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