Match Report - Home versus The Likely Lads

Why do we play pool cueists? Is it the thrill of the competition? Is it the love of the game? Is it because we like to go out and get lashed up midweek? Well for me it's probably a combination of all three, although less of the third one! We all like to play the game but if it was just that there would be no league. No, it's about the competition. The games against teams that are better than you where you upset the odds, the games where you hammer a local rival 11-1, the game that go on after midnight because they are so close.

It's against this background that we approached this weeks game against the Likely lads, and I for one was looking forward to it immensely. First they are a team of six good players - county players past and present, and no weak link among them. Secondly team captain Terry "Turncoat" Dingley has an uncanny knack of being able to wind up almost anyone, even over the email, so defeating his teams - which would consign them to third place in the league this year - is always gratifying. Finally, most of the players in both teams have been playing pool in one local league or other for decades, so we all know each other. A game against the Likely Lads has the potential to be good fun too!

7PM and I make my earliest arrival of the season, and I was stunned to see Coach Shiel & Neil "105.4" Cameron already at the practice table halfway through a best of three, with Vic hovering in the background. Needless to say Brad had text in saying he couldn't make it and...wait a god-damn minute - he hadn't! Brad had made it! Strike a light! With former-coach Walls absent on a talent spotting tour of Moscow Brad's attendance was a timely boost to our team.

"Bare six tonight Kev, Ben can't make it - he's on holiday & JY is in Middlesborough" Coach gleefully informed me - two games for all of us tonight - back of the net!

Joining me, magic, Coach, Vic & the most hated man in pool shortly before 8PM was Lee.

"Sorry I'm late chaps" as he passed round the team for handshakes "Ben can't make it tonight - he's been at the Irish Club until six am for the last two nights in a row and can't summon up the energy".

First lesson of the evening - always get your story straight.

Captain Dingley had "forgotten" his teams card so after Coach had filled in our names on the team sheet he asked if he could fill his names in on our card. What an amateur, and there's no way Coach Shiel was falling for the old chestnut. Another card was forthcoming from behind the bar by everyone's favourite comely bar wench Amy, and we were ready to rock and roll.

As a silence descended on Racks, match one kicked off with myself "Slugger" Southam against Steve "she wanted more" Carmichael. I love playing first, and I like playing "SWM" Carmichael no less - always an open game and this one was no different. We both had only three visits as "SWM" broke and should have cleared, but missed his final red. I had a pop and missed my final yellow and Steve finished off. An open game, with one bad shot each. I offered the draw but was refused. 0-1

Next up and it's a grudge match - Brad versus Andos. Regular readers will know Andos (a regular contributor to our mailbox) as one half of the Right Said Fred of Thames Valley Pool, but frankly that's an insult to Right Said Fred. Anyone who has heard him sing will know what I mean. Anyway the grudge match was a short lived affair as Brad donned his Chef's outfit, sharpened his pairing knife, and served up the dish of the day. I swear he had a smile on his face as sunk the black - 1-1

Vic versus Raymondo next and it was a cagey affair. Nip, tuck, nip, nip, tuck... it was like watching a hollywood plastic surgeon. Eventually an opportunity presented itself, and Vic took it. Both halves of RSF had lost. 2-1

Coach Shiel was up against "Dancing" Danny Rajput, and played well. At the games conclusion, he left himself with a yellow over the bag and the black in the middle of the table. With the crowd expecting him to drop the yellow in and the black in the middle, surely it was a formality we would be 3-1 up? Coach had other ideas as he tried to nick it in and send the white behind the black and up the table...but hit it too hard and too thin and left a long, difficult black he didn't make, and Dancing made light work of the finish. 2-2

The grinder next, and another grudge match. For the second time in the match two former Irish Club players were against each other as Lee matched up with Pat Fudger Phelan. If any game had the potential to require relieving the referee after two hours this was it, but our fears we totally unfounded as PP broke and Lee G gave him the dessert that was missing from Brad's dish of the day. 3-2

Magic was up next, and Neil "105.4" was drawn against Terry. Another cagey affair with Neil winning pointless flair shot of the week. With his last red over the bag and the black over it Neil was snookered. Surely there was some really clever tactical shot to be played here? The crowd were discussing what it was when Neil played the white off the side cushion and potted his red, leaving a straight black in the opposite corner. World class flair that Wonder Walls would have been proud of. 4-2

It's 1932 and we're at the third game of the world series, George "Babe" Ruth is the greatest living baseball player. Having taken two strikes he stands up to the plate, looks at the pitcher and points it out of the stands. The crown know what he's going to do...so does the pitchers. The home run that followed is the stuff of sporting legend.

Fast-forward to 2008 and Turncoat Terry asks Coach Shiel to play him in the second half. In a jaw dropping manoeuvre, Coach Shiel not only tells Terry where he will be playing, but gives him the card with the second half order filled in. Unbelievable! Ballsy! Had Coach Shiel made a catastrophic tactical error? Only time would tell.

Second half and after Andos & Raymondo had taken up our offer of trying all of the sandwiches we were underway.

Game seven, and Brad was playing Pat. Players had two visits each, and in Brad's book that's enough for any opponent. He dropped the dish on Pat who by the end of the night had two visits and lost both frames. 5-2

After losing in the first half, Andos and Coach Shiel were probably quite happy to be playing each other. The crowd weren't so pleased as Coach Shiel made a strong application to be a non-playing captain ext week, and Brad won the gurning competition whilst considering some of both players shot selections. A double doughnut (00) for Coach Shiel - the first of the Rackspack season. 5-3

Vic was again pitched against Raymondo Woot-meister, and the result was the same. Guaranteed a draw and the pressure was off. 6-3

Neil was playing for the win but had ran out of flair at the crucial time against Steve SWM Carmichael. 6-4

Surely they couldn't scrape a draw? I was up next against Dancing Danny R and I was in the mood to make amends for my earlier loss. First chance came early when I played a great shot to pot my red in off Danny's yellow and behind another that surely would have won flair shot of the week...had a yellow from the pack I had just broken up not bounced across the table off the side cushion and nestled against the white, leaving me totally snookered. The next chance was Danny's - he didn't take it, so I decided to change the tune...and took out a nice finish to seal the victory. 7-4

Last, and by no means least, Lee played Terry at the end...and after Terry failed to make contact with a ball over the bag, Lee was unlucky not to be left in a foul snooker. He was unluckier still to go in off Terry's ball after playing a shot against the only ball he could see, and Terry finished the game on a high. 7-5

So a super victory for the Racks Pack. Credit to the Likely Lads - they took more frames off us on Monday then we had lost all season - but in the end the best team won! Coach Shiel was "never so happy to lose two frames".

Neil gets "quote of the night" to add to his PFSOTW award...I had noticed that while we were chatting after the game, and Terry was ribbing Coach Shiel, Neil was banging a few balls away on the practice table. After a while he came over and said he was happy as he had "just tried that same shot I missed in my frame five times and naused it up each time"!

Chairman Dingley Terry left the building threatening to ban someone, and made a cryptic reference to new additions to the team for next time...and the night was at an end!

Dear Racks Pack...

No game this week so no match report from ex-Coach Walls. Luckily our mailbag is bulging...

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Dear Racks Pack

Wat is ur transfer policy? My team is budg yeah...un"likely" to win anything...I can bring my m8 Ray Mondo, he is nearly as gud as me yeah?!

Andos er....Smith
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Thank you for getting in touch Mr Smith. We're always looking for fresh talent [so that's why we go to Smokey Joe's so much - Editor] but with six unbeaten players and only four dropped frames even a man of your undoubted talents may struggle to get in the team. Especially considering this...

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Dear Racks Pack

Wat is ur transfer policy? We've got two players who look like Right Said Fred...and play like them too. Could you take them under your wing for the rest of the season and show them how to play?

Chairman Terry "T" Dingley
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Thank you Mr Dingley, if we need a couple of boys to test the sandwich we'll let you know.

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Dear Racks Pack

Any chance of passing on Laura Averages email address? She's hot and I haven't had any in ages!

Mr L Stanley; Address , phone number & pictures provided.
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No - we value the confidentiality of Laura as highly as we do all the other hundreds of females fans & admirers. Having said that we've obtained the details of a girl who looks just like Chyna who might be your type!

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Dear Racks Pack

Last week I printed off your blog and went to the toilet for my daily sit-down special. I nearly feel off the seat when I read the stuff about john Molley - is this the same John Molley from Thatched Cottage? There is only one, right?

Anyway I read the blog, drank a babycham, listened to my ipod and squeezed out a loaf all at the same time - is this the ultimate all senses experience?

Disco Dave
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It certainly is impressive DD, but anyone who has ever been on a night out with Messrs Walls & Southam knows the true meaning of an all-senses assault!

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Dear Racks Pack

Great Blog! Love the nicknames, especially Maurice "Sheehan Machine" Sheehan and Ray "Apprentice Dentist" Prentice! Ray is normally called "Merlin" and not because he wears a pointed hat - he uses his cue like a wand! I have no nickname - I dread to think what can you come up with?

Regarding my "marathon" match with Coach Shiel at the Berkshire Open, I blame John for the match being so long as he forgot his abacus, and we had to keep going outside for a fag after each frame to agree what the score was - especially as by the time we played we'd both had more pints in us than a blood bank!

Anyway I'm looking forward to our next encounter with the county's best at the end of September.

Frank Callaghan
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Frank, thanks for getting in touch. It's great to know that the exploits of the Racks Pack are spreading! I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that henceforth you shall be known to us all at Rack Pack towers as Frank "Dirty Harry" Callaghan.

That's it for this week, don't forget to give any and all feedback to us on rackspack@hotmail.co.uk and we'll be back next week with news of our match-up with the Likely Lads!

K&K

Weeks 4 & 5 - Results & Table

Week 4 Results
11 August 2008

Racks Pack 11 Golden Cross 1
Thatched Cottage 7 Likely Lads 5
Earls Angels [bye]
Farmers Rats [bye]

Week 5 Results
18 August 2008

Golden Cross 9 Farmers Rats 3
Likely Lads 4 Earls Angels 8
Racks Pack [bye]
Thatched Cottage [bye]

Table
played (won) points

Racks Pack 3 (3) 9
Thatched Cottage 3 (3) 9
Golden Cross 5 (2) 6
Earls Angels 4 (1) 3
Likely Lads 3 (1) 3
Farmers Rats 4 (1) 3

Although we're five games into the season, the league is all over the place after the league committee ruled that the Rose could not fulfill their fixtures and barred them from taking any further part this season. As a result all games against them have been deleted and all teams now have two byes in each half of the season.

It's a fact that league pool in the Thames Valley is not what it was. Time was when the Thames Valley Pool League (as it was called) had twelve divisions of ten teams and still others wanted to join. With that in mind it's shame that the Rose couldn't get a team together each week to make a fist of it. Whilst it's a suitable punishment to extricate them from the league, I would strongly encourage them to try again next year.

On a more positive note Earls Angels have won their first game of the league campaign, with a superb result against the criminally overrated Likely Lads. I'd love to hear from any members of either team who can fill us in on the details. As always you can reach us at the usual address - rackspack@hotmail.co.uk. That result has put both Racks Pack and Thatched Cottage in a strong position, both teams having nine points, a far superior "Frames For", and two games in hand on their nearest challengers. With the Likely Lads playing Racks this week, anything than win and surely they will have to be renamed the Unlikely Lads - as in unlikely to win anything this season, lads.

Keep your eyes on your screens and your browser on rackspack.blogspot.com to find out what happens.

Player Profile - Bradley Robinson

Name:	Bradley Robinson
Nickname:	The Bear; The most hated man in pool
Age:	Younger than you, you c**t
Weight:	Less than last year
Job:	Chauffer
Fav food:	Anything on the Atkins diet.
Fav drink:	Vodka Red Bull Jugs
Fav woman:	**insert name of current gf here**
Fav music:	Barry White.
He says:	“Sorry lads, can’t make it tonight. I’ll be there next week I promise”
They say:	“Let me guess, Brad isn’t turning up?”
K&K say:	How does one player take so much abuse from his own team and still play to such a high standard? If he ever turns up we’ll ask him.
Where you might find him:	Smokey Joes on a ‘ladies night’; Taking money off his own team mates in money games
Where you wont find him:	Racks on a pool night
One more thing:	At his current rate of weight loss Bradley will have entirely consumed himself by October 17th 2008.

Match Report Week 4 - Home versus Golden Cross

Cueists!

Enjoy the exploits of Rackspack as this week we hit the Maidenehad Pool league presentation night low and hard, and follow-it up with the briefest daliance with Maidenheads premier night spot Smokey Joe's! We paid the price for several days after!!

Match Report
by Keith Walls

There was a slightly subdued atmosphere on board the good ship RacksPack on Monday. It’s a well known fact once you hit 30 it takes two days to fully recover from a drinking bender, and following our attendence at the Pool League Presentation Saturday night, we were all suffering. As a result only JY and ‘Coach’ were seen with a beer in hand. Despite this - or perhaps because of - we put in our performance on the season so far.

We annihilated the Golden Cross 11-1 with some tremendous finishing, but with a better run of the balls GC could have had three or four frames.

The match started at 8:15 and was all over by 9:30 – 12 frames in that time showed just how sharp some of us were. But before we get to slating Neil’s performance (he was the only person to lose) a recap of Saturday is probably called for.

Frolics at the 2008 presentation night

Coach was first out at around 3pm and joined by Bradley bear and Magic. The bear cemented his reputation as the most hated man in pool by thrashing them at killer five times in a row. Even when the other two tried to gang up on him they still ended up handing over the cash. The highlight of the afternoon was Brads ‘prancing horse’ dance. After potting a miracle ball to win one, he galloped round the table like he was riding dressage at Burghley horse trials. At a steady fiver a man the Bear was £50 up for the day before I arrived at 6. Realising that there was now a serious challenger in the house he came over all ‘tired’ and decided not to play any more. Once Slugger turned up in his Biggles flight jacket it was ‘chocs away’ as we took up positions at the bar for the next couple of hours.

Treddy and Martin “Febreze” Smith appeared soon afterwards. It’s always good to see Treddy out and about and Martin was wearing the same free “Stella Artois” shirt that Vinny had got for us all to wear to the cup final two months ago. Naturally we assumed that he had it on because we were going to presentation. “Coming with us to the cricket club then Mart?”

“No”

“But aren’t you wearing the same shirt from the cup final?….oh forget it”

Still, at least he now has something smart enough to be married in. At the opposite end of the scale, Vinny was dressed like a miniature Sicilian assassin in a sharp suit and tie.

Having put a few away we grabbed a 7 seater to NMCC and I lost the ‘person in the front pays’ competition. The taxi driver had one of those loudspeaker megaphones in the car for some reason and must have regretted not hiding it once Slugger had got hold of it and started giving him directions at 127 decibels with the windows up.

The place was packed and the singles final was in full swing. Vikash rallied from 2-0 down to beat Ankur 6-3 and run out a comfortable winner. In a surreal moment the Vikash AKA The Indian Elvis was cueing up the final black when Elvis Presley’s “The Wonder of You” began on the jukebox. Perfect timing, unlike Ankur’s cue action. He played ok but I’ve seen him play better and I think he just made a couple of wrong decisions at key moments, but still a fine effort.

The Bear was continuing his winning streak. He bought a round that cost £16.25, gave the woman a twenty pound note and got back…£16.25 in change! However he still moaned like a girl about having to hand 5 pound to Coach who had correctly predicted that Ankur would win three frames.

We collected the summer league section winners from last year and Slugger made the amazing discovery that the trophies didn’t bounce when he dropped his and smashed it on the floor. After adding the Winter League premier winners and the cup winners Magic put them into a plastic bag and slung it over his shoulder. He then went hunting down John Molley of the Thatched to start lauding it up but it backfired when JM pulled out league top averages trophy that he had nicked off Magic by one frame.

*Digressing Alert*

I have to say that John is one of the few remaining landlords that really gives a damn about pool. The league is always going to be full of players happy just to turn up, get the fixtures and get on with it and that’s fine, but there aren’t many prepared to put some extra work in. I have no objections to people wanting to play each week and nothing else, but the league lives and dies by those prepared to step forward and help out. He puts time in to being on the committee and his pub supports two league tems, puts on good food and (the notorious pillar notwithstanding) has a good pool table. There’s not enough landlords like this who put the effort into keeping a good table. Years back you could name most landlords in the Thames Valley League and their pubs, nowadays it’s a rarity. I can count on one hand the places where you actually have a reasonably level table that’s in good nick. I’m not taking the high ground here and demanding perfect playing surfaces but whether you are playing in the premier or in the lower leagues nothing pisses you off more than watching a ball roll out by two inches and it costs you the frame. John deserved the averages recognition as much for the work he puts in as anything else.

*Digression Alert Over*

Back at presentation night, the “Anne Middleton Womens Benefit Trophy” AKA the Ladies Singles was won by…Anne Middleton. The lady is streets ahead at the moment in the local area.

Bracknell BAPL didn’t turn up to receive their trophies. Someone told me that Dave Bryant had been told the venue and the date but then wrote down somewhere else.

The Golden Cross boys called for a taxi home. A taxi arrived and the driver muttered something resembling ‘cross’ so they got in and started out for Twyford. It was only as they headed in the opposite direction towards Slough and questioned the driver that they found out it was actually a taxi for “Ross” instead.

With the festivities over we piled back into town after a quick stop off in Racks to drop off the trophies. Tony, the captain of Racks Maniacs was looking worse for wear. He had been telling us at presentation that now he was captain of a side he was going to make his mark in Racks this season and he certainly did that when he threw up down the side of the bar. Repeated warnings from the bar staff were not heeded. But being the complete gentlemen he went straight back to the pool table to carry on playing rather than clear it up and have his opponent wait for his shot.

Meanwhile the rest of us bit the bullet and moved off to Smokey’s. Slugger was so annoyed at not being there earlier he tripped over an advertising board outside the estate agents in his haste to get there. We arrived just after the nick of time and doubled the attendance to ten people! An hour later and it had rocketed to 15 people.

Eventually it picked up and it was time for some of the team to get down with their bad selves. With his height advantage Brad is an instant spot on the dance floor. In fact he is so tall that if you stand next to him I swear you can hear the ocean. Him and Slugger had unfortunately grabbed the attention of a six foot woman that looks like Chyna the female wrestler. She appears to be a bit psychotic and gives the impression she’s been cocked more times than John Wayne’s gun.

Neil is the first casualty of the night when the battle between his dodgy knee and his drunken body was won by his knee, and he was off to the train station.

Some drunk girl plants herself between me and my mate Scott telling us that she is just waiting for her friend. Twenty minutes go by before we realise that there is no such friend at all. Now she’s been rumbled, she asks which one of us would like to walk her home. Walk her home? We could have rolled her home! She had the figure of a space hopper and the vital statistics of a beach ball and those were her good points.

I tapped out at around 2am and left Coach, Slugger and the Bear to the remains of the evening. The Bear had moved onto the Vodka and Red Bulls and appeared to be getting a second wind - or maybe even a third - either way it spells bad news for us all and I’m off. The other three stick it to the very bitter end. Good night and goodnight.
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Back to Monday night’s game, and the ‘drying out’ from Saturday had left us soberer than usual and perhaps at the top of our game. Slugger led off for a change and won two after St John missed a fairly simple black in the second one. I put up a dish from the break and JY, Vic and the Coach were not troubled too much. Brad made his first appearance of the season and was back in the groove with two good finishes but it was left to Neil to fail where others succeeded. Perhaps it was the tiredness, or perhaps it was the colour copy of his photo from the blog that we had pinned up on the wall. Either way he was total budge.

The last thing to wrap up is of course the ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’. It’s ground breaking stuff this week as the shot was not only an attempt that missed but also it was by one of the opposition – a double whammy. I hate to say it but I forget the player so we will have to edit it in later on - I think it was Wayne. Anyway, in the final frame against Coach and with a few potting options he weighed up the situation.

“If I take on the three ball plant and pot it can I win the Pointless Flair Shot?”

How could we refuse?!? So even though the attempted pot missed we have to give it him anyway for totally embracing the concept of the shot having flair and of course being totally pointless. Now that’s progress!
I’m away for the next few weeks so I leave the blog in the capable hands of the editor – remember you can email abuse to him at rackspack@hotmail.com and I encourage you to do so.
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Thank you former Coach "Wonder" Walls, I look forward to the receiving feedback from other teams who attended the presentation night. I find it particularly refreshing to know even though you have been drinking since you were three, that you suffer as much as the rest of us!

Keep your eyes peeled in the next few days for our next player profile, featuring the most hated man in pool, the legend that is Bradley Robinson. During next weeks report we'll dip into the mailbag again.

Keep Cueing!

Week 3 - results

Week 3 Results
4 August 2008

Farmers rats 2 Racks Pack 10
Golden Cross 7 Earls Angels 5
Rose 1 Thatched Cottage 11
The Likely Lads [bye]

The Golden Cross get their first result of the season with a win in a tight game over Earls Angels, and two convincing victories for the Rackspack and Thatched Cottage. I'll update the tables after next weeks results.


K

Player profile - Neil Cameron

Name:	Neil Cameron
Nickname:	“105.4”
Age:	34 (not dd)
Weight:	Unconfirmed, but it is reported that Neil is currently at his “fighting weight”.
Job:	Software Test Manager.
Fav food:	Anything with calorific value.
Fav drink:	Lager. Plain & simple.
Fav woman:	Wife. Beyonce Knowles a distant second.
Fav music:	REM. Anything Indian.
He says:	“Oh Christ. Bloody hell. I might have to have a think about that one…go gentle on me”
They say:	He’s magic alllll the way.
K&K say:	It should be mandatory for every team to have at least one foreigner. Neil is a proud Scot, and is the solid foundation on which every Wonder Walls on-drugs clearance is built.
Where you might find him:	At Racks every week, rain or shine, on time and paid in full. On the terraces of Aberdeen football club.
Where you wont find him:	The hair dressers.
One more thing:	A former champion highland dancer in his youth, we managed to recover the last known footage of his dancing prowess. Neil likes to occasionally make the same moves after a break and dish. It is also the last remaining evidence of his blonde mane before it fell out. See how it shines like spun gold. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZzG1W4j-Vw

Match Report - Week 3

INTO THE MAILBAG

Never a blog to shy away from controversy, it seems our comments of last week (on the validity of awarding a team a 12-0 victory for an unopposed fixture) opened up Pandora's box. Here's a view from one of our regular readers:

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Yep its da Brant master general here, 12 - 0 I thinks a great idea, well I did but now I think you should get an 8 – 4 especially if the ROSE cant get a team together again. As for a pool panel, what about t.dingley, d.simm, s.carmichael, d.rajput, a.brant & n.stapley.

Also, love the player profiles. In the spirit of sharing, please find attached a picture of me and my partner-in-crime Raymondo.

Yours truly

ANDOS !!
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Thanks for getting in touch Andos. Whilst it's a grand gesture of you to offer to take an 8-4 if the Rose fail to turn up all season, we suspect that it is the results between the top teams that will settle this seasons league, not frames for...still optimistic straw clutching can always help so keep it up. Here's that picture for us all to share:

Match Report - Away versus Farmers Boy

After having last week off with a bye, it was business as usual for the Racks Pack this week. Like the rising of the sun, the turning of the tides and the glueing on of Brucie’s syrup, everything fell into its expected place. Firstly we hammered the opposition, secondly JY lost yet again, and finally Brad had rang in the morning to say he couldn’t make it, the afternoon to say he definitely could, and then 30 minutes before the start to say he wasn’t coming.

We had started off in Racks having a warm up session where none of us could pot a ball. Some of us were still a bit worse for wear from Sundays drinking session and the intake of far too much scotch, courtesy of my ‘remember to say when’ Dad. With Brad out of the picture and Ben not being available we had seven and it was ‘Magic 105.4’ Cameron who was in line to hit the pine for the first session.

Farrah and Dog appeared for a quick beer on their way to the Rose who saw fit to provide a team this week after the no show they put in against the Likely Lads. Having waxed lyrical in a previous blog entry about how players respond to pressure there was a certain irony to meeting up with Farrah. After mentioning his reaction in the Berkshire singles, he then became hero of the week for the Thatched when they beat Robert Uzzell’s team in the Slough League last Thursday. Recovering from a 5-3 deficit Chris stepped up at 6-5 ahead and clinched a 7-5 win with the last frame victory. This blog is reliably informed that the celebrations went on long into the night.

The Con Men were there as well, I played for them a couple of seasons ago when they were in Noctors so it’s always nice to bump into them and catch up. Dave, Adam, Jason and Tom were playing a team many considered to be the second best in racks – The Racks Maniacs - captained by the more than able-bodied Tony ‘the chef’.

Led by Coach Shiel, we headed down to the Farmers Boy and rocked up in time to mug Lee at the bar for the first round. The Slugger had come fresh from his gym workout and had pumped himself up to new heights of adrenaline in preparation for the task ahead.

Coach went first and survived a couple of outrageous flukes to set down the marker for the night with the opening frame (1-0). Vic was up second against Josh Blackman, and had bought with him his very own travelling fan club. They expected great things, but the only flair they got was in Vic’s trousers as he crumbled and Josh levelled for the Farmers at 1-1. His student squatter mates had already stolen our seats when our backs were turned and had to have a whip round to raise a pound between them for the football card!

Lee ‘the grinder’ was foot perfect in the next as usual (2-1) and then I stepped up with my attempt at two 8-ball finishes in the two matches. But rather cleverly I remembered that ‘Coach’ dropped me last time I did this. So I missed my last red, blamed the roll on the table, and then made an attempt at ‘pointless flair shot of the week’ by swerving round a ball to pot the red even though I could still see the edge of it. 3-1.

My quest for the PFSOTW was usurped when ‘the slugger’ doubled the black in to beat Mark ‘commando’ Hedges - the trip to the gym had paid off (4-1) and JY beat Richard ‘Bushtucker Trial’ Hurley who was the proud wearer of some shorts that left nothing to the imagination but everything to medical science. 5-1 at the break.

Positioning, potting and shot selection are just some of the finer qualities a good pool player needs. Sadly they were all lacking from ‘Magic’s’ appearance in the second half. A truly awful frame (the highlight being the schoolboy error ‘topping of the white ball’) was rescued at the end with a cut black where missing the in off was more luck than judgement. 6-1.

Vic saved his reputation in front of the tax dodgers against Albie Blackman, and was grateful to see Albie rattle a cross double on the black (7-1). I did my best to outdo Magic for the worst frame of the night but didn’t quite make it (8-1) and Lee ‘grinded’ out the next one in typical fashion (9-1). JY moaned about being played so late in the back half as he wanted to go and so decided the best thing to do was hammer the black in when there were still 12 balls left (9-2).

It was left to the man with more highlights than match of the day, the bronzed Adonis ‘Slugger’ Southam to rack up the double figure scoreline when he gave Mark Hedges another lesson in mediocre finishing – 10-2 the final score.

Handshakes all round and it was off lickety split to Racks to catch the last of the Racks Maniacs versus the Con Men. The CM, from 6-2 down, were on the verge of a Lazarus-like comeback at 6-5 and Tom ‘-Tom’ Parker was lining up a long black. But he got his directions all wrong and missed it letting Tony ‘the chef’ back in the frame and with a chance to clinch that 7-5 victory under pressure that we had been talking about only hours before.

He wasn’t helped by us all coming back and watching the frame in ‘crucible like’ fashion, whispering ‘he should . . .’ and making him even more nervous. In the end Tom missed three attempts at the black, Tony played a clever little double on his last red and the fourth Parker miss left Tony with two simple balls for the win 7-5.

Slugger and I then humiliated Coach and Magic in a few frames of scotch doubles (please, not more scotch let alone doubles!) before we headed off into the night.

On a separate note, this Saturday sees the MPL presentation night at North Maidenhead Cricket Club. Most of the team will be there, including Brad just to prove that he does exist and he’s not a figment of our imagination! Be warned that Eddie ‘Batman’ Barker may also be making an appearance, and no doubt once the presentation is over we will all be hitting the town. So lock up your daughters, or in Eddie and Brads case, your grandmothers.

Week 2 - Results & Table

Week 2 Results
28 July 2008

Earls Angels 5 Farmers Rats 7
Thatched Cottage 8 Golden Cross 4
Rose 0 Likely Lads 12
Racks Pack [bye]

TABLE
Played (won) points

Likely Lads 2 (2) 6
Thatched Cottage 2 (2) 6
Racks Pack 1 (1) 3
Farmers Rats 1 (1) 3
Rose 1 (0) 0
Golden Cross/Earls Angels 2 (0) 0

The Rose failed to put out a team for their match against the Likely Lads, earning the lads a a 12-0 victory and allowing them to take advantage of the Racks Pack bye and open up an early advantage in the frames-for column.

Firstly with frames-for counting in the event of a tie I think it's a bit off to give a 12-0 victory, especially in such a tight division. I'm sure Captain Dingley wouldn't agree with me...neither would committee chairman Dingley! I don't know what the answer is, but perhaps some sort of pools panel type decision should take place. Anyone have any better ideas? Email them to Rackspack@hotmail.co.uk - the best suggestions will be forward on to the committee.

Secondly I don't know the background to the Rose not turning up to what should have been their first game of the season, but really it pretty bad form if you've entered a team and can't get it together for your own home games. Come on lads - must do better.

Tournament Report - The 2008 Berkshire Open

Note from the Editor

Straight into the mailbox this week, and we've had a tremendous response to our player profile of Coach Shiel, our inbox being literally inundated with more than one email this week. Laura Averages and her sister Tabatha have been in touch, as has Coach Shiel himself.

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Dear Rackspack,

Guys, thanks so very much for the profile and pic of Coach Shiel. He really is a hunk of pool playing man. My sister says she'd like to **** his ***** **** and **** his ***** all night long! We're sorry we embarrassed you with our own picture last week, do you think you could show Coach Shiel a pic of my sister and tell him how she'd love to hear from him :-)

Which bronzed pool Adonis will you be featuring next I wonder?

Yours in pool,

Laura & Tabatha Averages, Age 19, Sweden
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Thank you girls, I'm sure Coach Shiel appreciates your feedback. The next profile will be of the man they call "105.4", he's magic all the way - it's Neil Cameron. Regarding your pic I'll let our censor review it and advise.

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Dear Rackspack,

Thank you for featuring my profile, but I'd like to point out a few factual errors. Firstly I have never been found in the HP dribbling in Roy Bannisters beer, neither do I have one super enlarged testicle. It was Bacardi & Coke, and I have two not one.

Coach John Shiel

PS you're both dropped.
-------------------------------

John, in the finest journalistic traditions, we at rackspack.blogspot.com never let the truth get in the way of good reportage, and we're only too happy to make corrections where necessary. Thanks for getting in touch Coach!

If you have any comments, complaints or congrats, please email rackspack@hotmail.co.uk, or add a comment at the bottom of each blog entry. Happy cueing bloggers!

Tournament Report

The 2008 Berkshire Open by Keith "Wonder" Walls

How do you take defeat in a big pool game? You know the sort of thing, it’s Monday night and you're 6-5 up, you are on last trying to win the game, knowing if you screw up it’s a draw and you’ve cost the team. Are you the sort of person who shrugs it off? Do you punch the nearest wall? Do you storm off in a huff? Do you stew over it for hours or even days thinking about what might have been…or do you not care?

Personally I fall into the ‘stewing it over’ category. I spend sometime going over some daft shot or other in my head, or think about how I should have played it a different way etc…although I have to add that it’s not something I do often, perhaps only after losing an important game. Most importantly I try to learn from my mistakes, sometimes even going so far to set up a match-losing situation on the table and discussing it with pool colleagues.

My favourite ‘reaction’ was when Kevin and I were playing for the Willow Wanderers a few years ago…Phil Reeves was playing for us and had just lost a frame. He shook the other guys hand, calmly picked up his cue, put the butt-end it into the corner pocket and then pulled down on the top end with all his force - splintering it into pieces. It was perfectly executed.

The question of how to take defeat stemmed from a conversation I had on Sunday at the Berkshire Open in Chiswick. More on this topic later.

The last time I entered this event was about 10 years ago when it was playing at the Bell. I got knocked out in the first round by some kid who’s dad was in it and had dragged him along. Having nothing better to do, Dad entered his son in the competition and he drew me. After eliminating me in double-quick time I ended up winning the plate competition for first round losers.

With the Racks Pack having a bye this week, a few of us decided to troop down to the sweatbox that is Chiswick snooker club and have a crack at this years Open. John ‘Coach’ Shiel, Neil ‘Magic 105.4’ Cameron and myself were joined by a motley crew of Maidenhead league players, all on a quest to prove themselves Berkshire’s indisputable number one. The club was terribly hot and sticky, and there were kicks and bad contacts all day. Not only that, but the number off players fouling by not hitting a cushion was ridiculous. You could hear the squeaks as players tried to push a varnished cue through their hot and sticky bridge hands.

With 57 players in the draw, Ankur Nangpal asked me who I thought was favourite to win it. I replied confidently that not only would Vid Sabharwal win, but that I was convinced I would draw him first round – and unfortunately I was right! At 2-2 I had had a dreadful roll off that I never recovered from, and once again I was bounced out of the main competition and into the plate. I recreate the roll off and moan to anyone who will listen about it before finally giving it up - ho hum…

Coach Shiel fared no better, losing 4-1 to Lucky Birdy, and he was off to the plate with the rest of the losers.

‘Magic’ was left to uphold Racks Packs honour in the main event. Having had a nice pipe-opener in the first round (winning 4-0) he came up against Chris ‘Farrah’ Fawcett in round two. As we all expected it was nip and tuck most of the way, and in the end it took a missed red into the middle from Farrah to separate them. Had he made it, the score was 3-3, as it was he missed it and Neil cleared to seal a 4-2 victory. They shook hands, Farrah stormed out in a rage and spent 30 minutes outside in a foul mood. It was a match either could have won, and the loser was always going to be gutted.

In round three Neil played Steve ‘Dog’ Walton’s conqueror Ray Prentice for a place in the quarters.

Steve had one of those days where from the first five minutes he was in the building everyone knew it wasn’t going to be his day. Playing the fruit machine he managed to get into the big money game on ‘Cops and Robbers’. Some random dude then chirped in his ear that ‘this thing is ready to pay out’. Steve won a grand total of £4.80 and slouched off muttering ‘this thing is ready to pay out’ in a mock girly voice and pointing at the dude. Needless to say, two minutes later the same dude pops a couple of quid in and drops fifty notes. Nice.

To compound his misery, Dog decides to get stuck in to the second fruit machine, but is dragged off to play his first round match. This time it’s the turn of some Indian fella to put two quid in straight afterwards and land £78 from the ‘Cash ‘n’ Curry’.

By the time Neil plays Ray Prentice (the apprentice dentist) in round three he has the unswerving support of both Chris Farrah (who had returned to normal by now) and Dog. Dog’s reaction to losing is to sit and support Neil whilst ripping the piss out of Ray behind his back and at every opportunity!

‘Magic’ lives up to his nickname and clinched a very good 4-2 win for a place in the quarter finals.

Meanwhile in other parts of the draw, Terry ‘Turncoat’ Dingley lost to Peter Lofts in a tight one. Peter then whitewashed Lucky Birdy and has a showdown with Robert ‘Ruzzler’ Uzzell. Ankur goes out to Maurice Sheehan who was just launching everything and had every ricochet and bounce go his way. When Ruzzler beat Peter (4-1) it’s him, Maurice and Neil in the quarters.

Videsh, as predicted, cut a swath through his quarter of the draw, with his only real opposition provided by Sefton Payne who blew a 3-1 lead to go out 4-3. Sefton had beaten Alan King who in turn had walloped Ed Rumsey 4-0. Ed dealt with his defeat by doing his goolies on the horses until Dean Hardesty gives him a winning 6-4 shot at Ascot.

So the quarters of the main competition look like this.

Del Sim v Videsh

‘Magic’ v Vikash

Ruzzler v Mo Sheehan

Bob Love v Granville Fowler

On a side note, it was great to see Bob and Barbara Hancock there. I played with Bob in Windsor and we worked out that it was at least 10 years since I saw him last. The fickle hand of fate would throw him together with two former team mates, firstly James Harness, who knocked him out in the first round of the main competition, and then me, following James’ lead I put him out of the plate as well – just like old times J Sweet. James eventually lost to Dogs’ fruit machine expert, and then walked straight into a row with a guy who was the spitting image of Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka character in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I never did find out what the argument was about, but the shouting match could be heard across the room. James had the last word (as he normally does), pausing for a moment and then putting his elbow through the wall. The hole that is left in the plasterboard is pretty much the same size as Willy’s head.

Back in the plate competition I finally put one over on my nemesis, one Leon ‘The Knife’ Stanley, who actually lets me beat him for a change as he is getting bored of constantly turning me over. Coach John is still going as well, and after beating Terry Dingley, Dog gets hammered by a bloke who looks like the Ghost of Christmas Past (Hughie Sutherland).

In the main event nothing can stop Videsh. He is going to win it, and I’m going to feel vindicated that I was beaten by the champion. Only a freak of nature or act of god can stop him. Unfortunately someone even more powerful than god appears during his win over Del – the wife and kids! Yes, the trouble-and-strife rolls up with the bin-lids and Vid is given his marching orders. He has to turn in his cue and suddenly the draw opens up – the winner of Magic and Vikash (Vids brother) will be straight through to the final! Thank god I didn’t run a book on the event because I don’t know how I would have paid out. Wallsbet.com doesn’t have a rule for ‘who’s wearing the pants in this house’.

Ruzzler loses a quarter final he should have won to Mo (4-3), but again everything seems to go Mo’s way. Bob Love beats Granville (4-1), but can’t stop the Sheehan Machine in the semi, Mo winning again (4-3) to make the final.

I make the final off the plate without dropping a single frame and have to wait for an epic quarter final match to be concluded between Coach Shiel and Frank Callaghan. It swung one way and then the other. 1-0, 1-1, 2-1 to John, then they stopped for a cigarette…came back and John led 1-0. Frank managed to win two in a row, they had another cigarette, came back and it was all square at 1-1 again. Confused? Not half as much as we were. These two gibbons had been playing around for about two hours on the freeplay table waiting for someone to tell them to start their game! Finally someone went over to find out what the hell was going on and managed to bring some order to proceedings. In the end, and after 10 frames of pool, Coach Shiel made it through 3-1!

In the semi Scott Matthews took a 2-0 lead over Coach Shiel before dialling out for ‘Rent-a-Flange’. They delivered in good time and he chucked away three frames in a row to crash out 3-2 and leave an all Racks Pack plate final.Yes it was the clash everyone had wanted to see – the new coach versus the ousted ex-coach!

I had been waiting for an opportunity like this since week one, after the new facist regime had unceremoniously dropped me after my immaculate 8-ball finish in his first match. Who was to know that the pool gods were going to grant me this chance so early on. The ‘Wonder’ wasn’t in the mood for niceties – two clearances and a scrappy middle frame gave me a 3-0 win and the plate title ten years after my first. The King is dead, long live the King!!

Back in the main competion, thee final thing to do was wrap up Magic’s quarter final. To cut it short he played well but Vikash won 4-2 but took out two great finishes that were the only difference between them. Neil was gutted, and even more so when he found out that it was for a place in the final after Videsh failed to extricate himself from under his wife’s thumb. Neil had to be pretty proud of his performance, his first time in a proper all day tournament against some of the county’s best, and earned a well deserved quarter final place. It was a long hot day and he did well to keep his concentration all day.

My opening question - how you take defeat –was kicked off by something Neil, Dog and I were talking about after Neil’s game with Farrah. Neil was saying how he couldn’t understand people getting so upset over a pool match after Farrah had stormed out, James had put an elbow through the wall, I moaned about my roll out etc…but within half an hour of their matches Farrah was back in the bar getting the beers in, James was up and about cracking jokes, making fun of some of the players and both of them were in high spirits.

They were there to the very end of the tournament laughing away and cheering on the rest of us and their defeats were long forgotten.

Neil’s reaction to his defeat was to slump into a chair clutching a bottle of Sol and repeat over and over ‘I could have won that’ for the next couple of hours. There was no little irony it it - someone who earlier on couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about took his defeat harder than any of the others despite doing better than any of us. Everyone deals with it differently. Personally, I thought it was a superb debut and he took out some excellent finishes under pressure at vital moments. It will stand him in good stead for future matches.

For the record Maurice Sheehan beat an out of sorts Vikash in the final 4-3. Considering the humidity and the length of the event, you had to take your hat off to Maurice for winning what was a very tough event in the conditions.

But performance of the day was Coach Shiel. At 9pm he called his wife Jeanette (Mrs Coach) and convinced her to drive all the way from Maidenhead to Chiswick to pick up him and others and took them all back to Maidenhead via Reading (to drop Neil off). That Videsh could learn a thing or two…

KW

Player Profile - John Shiel

For Laura and our army of female fans here's our first player profile, Coach Shiel.

Name:	John “Coach” Shiel
Age:	47
Weight:	Too much
Job:	Picking the team, basically. Supermarket manager for 15 years.
Fav food:	Spaghetti Bolognese
Fav drink:	Anything wet
Fav woman:	Anything wet
Fav music:	80’s
He says:	I am modest, incredibly good in bed, and I am the quickest player on the circuit
They say:	“30 seconds…”
K&K say:	A pillar of the Thames Valley pool community, John’s vast experience and level head makes him the perfect candidate to lead The Racks Pack to victory this summer.
Where you might find him:	In the HP dribbling into Roy Banisters beer at 3am
Where you wont find him:	The Thatched Cottage pool team, now he’s our captain.
One more thing:	John has only one engorged testicle. After a freak radiation accident in his youth, John’s left testical was absorbed by his right leaving him with just one that swells to between three and four times average size, depending on the time of day.

Match report - Week 1

REMINDER

Before we get to this weeks report here’s a reminder of our email address. It’s rackspack@hotmail.co.uk - and yes, it is genuine - so if there’s anything you want to gripe about, a report you want to give or you just want a mention then please do get in touch. In addition if you’d like to be kept informed of any blog updates as soon as they happen, we can add you to the mailing list. Let us know!

POSTBAG

Having been away and not checked the mailbox for a couple of months, it took Kevin and I literally weeks to get through the mountain of abuse, ahem...correspondence that had built up in the Rackspack inbox over the summer. However one email in particular leapt off the screen, and it was from one of our many female fans:

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Dear Rackspack,

Is there any chance that you could put up some player profiles on your site, perhaps with a photo or two? My twin sister and I read your blog every week, and it would be nice to put a handsome face to the names.

Yours in Pool

Laura Averages, Age 19, Sweden
-------------------------------

Laura we think that’s an excellent idea, and whilst for reasons of decency we won’t be able to put up the picture you kindly sent of you helping your sister remove the ping-pong balls, we will try and bring a few photos to the site for you and the rest of our legion of ardent female admirers.

I’m not sure it qualifies as handsome, but keep an eye out in the next few days for our first player profile featuring Coach Shiel.

FORMER CAPTAIN’S REPORT

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” or “There’s a new broom and it’s sweeping clean!”

You know when you go shopping and buy yourself a present - you can’t wait to tear open the box and get stuck in! Well that’s how we at the Rackspack feel on the dawning of a new season.

You arrive at the doors, take a look up at the stairway in front of you and hear the distant sound of wood on crystallite (or in Bens case, crystallite on laminate floor then bouncing off table leg). You take a deep breath and absorb the electric atmosphere – the new season has finally arrived!

The first game of the new season is a tricky one - we open up with a home game against “Earls Angels”. Steve Cox has spent most of the last few weeks giving us grief about our side and generally moaning about how difficult the section is blah blah blah. Unsurprisingly by match night he is nowhere to be seen - shame on him.

Most of us are there practicing at seven pm, and by the time Kevin arrives just before eight, declaring that “this is the god-damn best looking team I have ever played for” we’re only waiting on Brad. As if to prove the old adage that “the more things change, the more they stay the same” a text message comes in from ‘the Bear’ saying he can’t make the it – he’s in Magalouf, and the women are ‘a bit easy’ – I can’t work out if he is boasting or complaining. Regardless he says he is available for next week. Great - if only we didn’t have a bye.

In a staggering break from tradition Coach Shiel decides to act the part, and gives a prematch pep-talk. He immediately sets the cat amongst the pigeons by switching ‘Magic 105.4’ Cameron from his comfortable 6th spot to openers instead.

So first match, first game and it’s a clash with Tyler Coombs who is younger than my jeans but in far better condition. Tyler is an excellent young player and will soon be beating us all silly when our eyesight fades and hair goes grey [for some of us this will be sooner rather than later Mr Walls – KS]

Despite the lay off it’s business as usual for Magic as he picks up where he left off in the winter: playing badly, blundering up the finish, then getting let off the hook when his opponent gives him two shots. Textbook stuff, but at least he didn’t miscue. 1-0

By the way, Lao Tzu, the founder of Taoism, is the man responsible for the thousand miles quote. Amongst other ideas, it supports the concept that we can all be one with nature, and if we are then rules and order are not necessary.

However even Mr Tzu and all his karma dribble can’t explain JY’s appalling frame against Claire Dormer. After a terrible attempt to win ‘Pointless Flair Shot of the Week’ on the black, it looked like Claire had missed her chance when rattling her last yellow. JY had other ideas, but none of them included winning and he promptly went in off the black. 1-1.

From then on it’s Rackspack alllllllllll the way baby.

Vic Summers makes a winning debut with two excellent pots and defeats Josh ‘the pigeon’ Bladstock (2-1) and I put in the first 8 ball finish off the season (3-1). Vic and I are feeling pretty pleased with our performances! Coach Shiel was also impressed, so much so that he immediately drops us both from the second half!!! Unbelievable, the ex-captain is hitting the pine as he and Vic are benched.

Ben is up next and puts in the first of his two wins on the night by beating Ross, despite having to play the ‘impossible dream” - trying to roll a ball along the bottom cushion. You can roll a ball along it and see it curl out two inches before it reaches the pocket - a fact that we all helpfully pointed out to Ben after the game (4-1).

Lee ‘The Grinder’ Greenwood manages a double as well, starting off with victory over ‘Phodge’ and ending with another W against ‘the pigeon’. Neil clinches ‘Pointless flair shot of the week’ with a double on the black against Tyler who falls to him for the second time in the match.

Ashley Dingley (son of ‘Turncoat Terry’) feels the full wrath of Coach Shiel in the first of the back half, and Kevin seals the win on the night by beating Claire (7-1).

By the last frame everyone has won except JY. Coach Shiel cleverly put JY on last, which means not only did he have to stay to the end for a change, but he is also under maximum pressure to not register a double doughnut (00) on the night. Luckily Tyler’s dad is sympathetic to JY’s problems and let’s him win one. It finishes 11-JY.

So an excellent start to the season. Our big rivals Thatched Cottage and The Likely Lads posted 9-3 and 10-2 wins respectively so we have a frame advantage – it could prove to be all-important by the business end of the season.

K&K

Week 1 - Results & Table

Week 1 Results
21 July 2008

Racks Pack 11 Earls Angels 1
Farmers Rats 3 Thatched Cottage 9
Golden Cross 2 The Likely Lads 10
Rose [bye]

TABLE
Played (won) points

Racks Pack/The Likely Lads/Thatched Cottage 1 (1) 3
Farmers Rats/Golden Cross/Earls angels 1 (0) 0
Rose 0 (0) 0

A easy table to draw up, the three winning teams from Monday nights games are at the top, seperated by "Frames For", 11, 10 & 9 respectivly. A bye for us next week is great news - it means we get our bye out of the way early in the second half of the season too, which could be to our advantage if it gets tight.

Season preview

...EPISODE THREE - A NEW HOPE.

With the latest sports news from across the globe, this is the ASN American Sports Network Maidenhead pool league preview. This preview was brought to you by:

Chateau Rose Wine – the choice of the pool playing connoisseur, and

'Innuendo’ – the Italian suppository with a difference

“Hi, I’m Randy Ogre. I’m sure you all know my good friend and co-commentator Pat Butterscotch.

Folks, it’s time to lock the doggie in the barn and send the wife to the in-laws, because it’s back, it’s bigger than ever and everyone’s talking about it. Yes, it’s summer league pool in Maidenhead. It’s a new season, and a new look “Racks Pack” are using the same tried-and-tested excuses as they try to avoid crashing out on the sudden-death frame in the quarter finals for an unprecedented third season in a row.

Pat, let me start off by throwing you this curveball – Wimbledon, The Superbowl, Euro2008 Soccer-ball, the masters golf and the Olympic games: do any of these come close to the excitement and sheer drama of the Maidenhead summer pool league?”

“Ho ho ho, thank the lord you started me off with an easy one there chum! Randy, quite simply there is no bigger event in the whole god damn wide wide world of sports than the good old MPL. Why, you would have to be some sort of half-crazed lunatic even to suggest otherwise”

“Ha, ha, ha, I was only playing wit’ ya Pat, (slaps Pat on the knee).”

“Randy, this is no joking matter. We are standing on the high diving board above the community swimming baths of world class pool, and I for one cant wait to get my speedo’s on and plunge right in”

“Pat, I’m right there with you and holding the rubber ring. But this time make sure your trunks are not the ones where the ‘S’ has fallen off because I’m not going through that again”

“I hear you louuuud and clear there Randy”

“Pat, let’s cut to the chase – two years ago they got knocked out 7-6 on the deciding frame in the quarter final against the Forresters”

“Gutwrenching”

“Last year, quarter finals again and this time they lose 7-6 on the decider to the BAPL”

“Heartbreaker”

“I’m spotting a perverse pattern here, and I’m not just talking about that tie your third ex-wife bought you for Christmas. Are these guys just destined to fall apart like a Racks sandwich everytime they reach the knockout stages?”

“Pat, it would be dangerous to draw any conclusions at this stage. If we were the sort of sports network that throws around wild accusations without any substance then maybe we could say that Keith Walls should know the rules after five years. Or that JY took a winning position and exchanged it for kicking all his team mates in the Jacobs. Or that Robinson vanished yet again in their time of need to go to work rather than play the decider. But like I said, we aren’t in the business of pointing fingers.”

“So what have they done in the close season to stop this happening again? Everyday I pick up a newspaper and the back pages are full of speculation. Who’s in, who’s out, who cares? What about those stories of Robinson and Walls being spotted in a transsexual cabaret night club in Blackpool only three weeks before the start of the season. If I was a fan - and I am a fan Randy - I would be worried!”

“I feel you there Pat. With Trevor ‘Buenos’ Dias, Steve Carmichael and Del Sim also seen in the same club you wonder what sort of shenanigans were going on. For now, let’s focus on the team, and not on Robinson’s unnerving interest in the one of the lady-boy backing singers.”

“Good call. So who’s out this year? Last season these guys managed to play 16 different people in only 10 matches. You can’t run a franchise like that – it’s not good business! Every week they seemed to introduce someone new to the team who then disappeared without a trace. It was like the old Star Trek episodes when you knew that the new lieutenant handpicked for the mission was going to be wiped out before the show was over. ”

“Well, the core of the team remains the same, but the management’s changed – coach ‘wonder’ walls finally did the decent thing and stood down.”

“About time too Randy. Have you seen his record in the Slough Renegade league this season? Man, this guy was sinking like Venice, and stinking just a bad! I saw the averages table – and “average” was the right name for it - and this guy propped up more players than the Thatched Cottage bar during 2 for 1 rose wine night.”

“Pat, it’s back to ‘playing only’ for the failed ex-captain. There’s a new man in charge and it’s coach John Shiel. He’s promising to shake things up and get some competition for places for a change. The ‘Wonder’, JY, ‘Magic 105.4’ Cameron, ‘Slugger’ Southam and ‘Grinder’ Greenwood still remain from last years failed campaign. Add to that the new talents of Ben Kiely and Vic Summers and things are taking shape.”

“What about Brad ‘the Bear’ Robinson Randy, is he going to appear this season ?”

“Well he says he is but who knows?? This guy is about as reliable as a Dave Bryant result card - you never know if it’ll turn up and what it will be like if it does!”

“I’m going to have to interrupt you there Randy because we have just received breaking news about the draw for the section. ..Uh huh…. Yeah ...honestly ?…man alive! Oh its bad, it’s really bad!”

Racks Pack

Thatched Cottage B

The Likely Lads

Earls Angels

Golden X A

Farmers Rats

Rose A

“Randy this is a horror show! Who made the draw - Norman Bates?? This is carnage all the way from here ‘til Thanksgiving. Not only are the Thatched Cottage in the mix, but also Terry ‘the turncoat’ Dingley’s Likely Lads team! Oh boy it’s time to hide behind the sofas because I don’t think my mom is going to let me watch this season!”

“Pat, this should be pay per view because we have group of death that all punters and fans alike are going to be glued to this summer. You couldn’t hand pick a deadlier section. With the ‘derby’ factor of the Earls Angels and all the links they have to Racks, and the unpredictability of the Golden Cross and you have a script of Stephen King proportions. They will be queueing round the block for these matches”

“I hope the Farmers Rats and the Rose A have kitted themselves out with some tin hats because there is some heavy artillery heading their way. Coach Shiel has just got to love the opportunity of knocking out Dingley’s side after that double cross he pulled in setting up his own side on the quiet”

“You know it! Craig Shurley-Not, “Dancin” Danny Rajput, Steve “She wanted more” Carmichael and the Marlow Salsa King Nick Stapley are all coming to this party. Not to mention Ray and Andy the ‘Right Said Fred’ of local pool. It’s a bloodbath !”

“Randy, should we take a look at the rest of the divisions ?”

“What’s the point Pat? This is where the action is! Let’s face it, if you pull a stunner who’s already promised you a tug by 8 o’clock, then why bother wasting the rest of the night buying her more drinks?”

“Wise words Randy - we could all learn from you!”

“Damn straight Pat. This draw has sorted out the men from the boys. Now it’s time to separate the wheat from the chaff.”

“You’re right – the action starts on the 21^st July with our heroes kicking off at home to the Earls Angels in front of a sell out crowd down at Racks.

You’ve been listening to ASN with my co-host Randy Ogre and me Pat Butterscotch. Remember, don’t be a stranger at the bar, goodnight.”